Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
He’ll start using his man cave when you start asking him to do stuff. You don’t need separate houses.
Ticked At Spouse - Asked To Continue Working
- Thread starter Transformer
- Start date
I know right! I was going to suggest that she take an extended "vacation" alone and visit hotels, spas, friends, family, etc. and leave him at home to dally about as he pleases. However, he has it made with that setup. OP, I think this is a case of "I don't wanna be lookin' in yo face all day every day now that I'm retired, so can you go away for the bulk of the day". If it were me, I would retire on schedule and become unavailable while I pranced about and did things solo; but I would resent being pushed from my home in order to accommodate this sudden need of his, especially since he has a gloriously comfortable hideaway at home. I just might take that over and redecorate it to suit my particular needs.
FlowerHair
Reclaiming my time
It would be very difficult for me to extend my working life if I was set on retiring on a certain date! He must understand that.
I think I would take it as a joke, more or less, and just laugh it off.
What's more pressing is to find a way to live together without getting on eachothers' nerves. Can you talk about that with him? I totally understand not wanting to spend all day together when you've basically only had dinners and weekends together for the most of your life together. I think getting busy with hobbies, friends and grandkids is the key. I think I would be out the door early in the morning too - go to the gym and then have breakfast with a friend, go to the library for a while and then lunch with someone else. Spend the afternoon at a café and then meet hubby for dinner lol.
I think I would take it as a joke, more or less, and just laugh it off.
What's more pressing is to find a way to live together without getting on eachothers' nerves. Can you talk about that with him? I totally understand not wanting to spend all day together when you've basically only had dinners and weekends together for the most of your life together. I think getting busy with hobbies, friends and grandkids is the key. I think I would be out the door early in the morning too - go to the gym and then have breakfast with a friend, go to the library for a while and then lunch with someone else. Spend the afternoon at a café and then meet hubby for dinner lol.
LeftRightRepeat
Well-Known Member
i think one of you has to start using the man cave . there's just so much gymming, visiting others and pretending to enjoy being out of the house that you can do. At some point one or both of you has to sit down at home.
maybe it will happen organically as you start getting on each other's nerves (silence vs. radio in the morning) or maybe it needs to be a discussion. i dunno how you guys normally work stuff out.
maybe it will happen organically as you start getting on each other's nerves (silence vs. radio in the morning) or maybe it needs to be a discussion. i dunno how you guys normally work stuff out.
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Nikkiluv254
Well-Known Member
Are you sure he's going to the gym? 3 hours is a lot for someone who (assumingly) is 60+. I would not do it.
He's not even qualified to be a househusband. <Insert Annalise Purse gif>
He's not even qualified to be a househusband. <Insert Annalise Purse gif>
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Yep-- that's his routine. But if he's doing something else--I DON'T CARE.
He spends the first hour "warming up" his bones in the sauna and stretching. Next 1.5 hours some form of exercise plus weight training. Then about a half hour to shower and dress. He actually wants a job opening the gym in the mornings---so that he can ensure the sauna will be hot when he uses it.
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
Found this article about couples divorcing due to RETIREMENT.
Divorce after 50 — also flatteringly known as gray divorce — is on the rise, and retirement may have something to do with it.
Some couples are not prepared for the realities of being around their spouse more often, according to marriage experts. Rob Pascale, a retired marketing research executive, and Dr. Louis H. Primavera, dean of Touro College School of Health Sciences, are co-authors of “The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire” (Rowman & Littlefield, 2012). Pascale and Primavera told the Huffington Post via email how retirement can hurt a marriage.
“Some couples might find they don’t have quite as much in common as they once thought,” they wrote. “While still in the workforce, underlying differences can be masked, because so much attention is taken up by work and raising a family. But these differences can come to the forefront when couples are more focused just on each other.”
We asked the authors to share just how retirement can negatively impact a marriage, and what couples can do to protect their marriage.
How do relationships change when one or both of the partners are retired?
For retiring men, marriage is a good thing. He has a ready companion, a source of emotional support, and some continuity in a disrupted life. Well, at least if his marriage is good. If it’s not, he and his wife might find that retirement makes their relationship even worse just from the added time together. In fact, those who don’t want to retire point to the quality of their marriage as one reason why they plan to keep working. But even in good marriages, two people spending day after day in close proximity can be stressful. Things are likely to start off well enough — in the initial stages, couples rate their marriages more favorably, have better sex lives, and feel their relationships have actually improved. But the honeymoon ends rather quickly, and some might run into snags as they grapple with the realities of close quarter living.
Why do these changes occur?
Out of sync expectations can be one. Husbands and wives might have very different notions about how they want to live, individually and as a couple. For example, a wife might presume her retired husband will help more with household chores, or either spouse may expect more involvement from the other in their preferred leisure activities. Feelings of disappointment because of misaligned expectations can lead to resentment if either partner feels neglected or is not getting fair consideration of his or her own interests.
Then there is the issue of social over-dependency. Psychologists assert that being socially connected is essential for mental health, and we found that happily retired couples have active social lives with lots of friends. Women seem to grasp this — they are generally more socially integrated, having more and stronger emotional ties to friends and family. Men, in contrast, have fewer close relationships, and many depend on their wives to keep them socially involved. A certain amount of social dependency is reasonable. But for some wives dependency can become extreme. In fact, we found that many men expect to be the primary focus of their wives’ attention when newly retired. This of course is not at all realistic nor is it healthy for either spouse. And many wives might become angry and resentful if they have to surrender more of their personal time than they’d like to.
Finally, some retired husbands might try to interfere in household management, typically the domain of their wives. In some respects, this is predictable, especially for those men who held supervisory positions and were used to directing people and events. When they retire they turn their attention to managing what‘s left — their home and their wives. However, not many wives have a need for or will accept a domestic consultant, and are likely to react negatively to such an intrusion of their territory.
What are some ways couples can psychologically prepare for retirement and protect their marriage?
In general, we found that with time and practice — after a few years — many husbands get better at retirement. They become less demanding of their wives’ time, and some either establish their own personal interests or just learn to respect their wives’ independence. And there’s also likely to be some compromise, with husbands expecting less and wives giving more than either initially planned. But when difficulties surface, there are things couples can do to avoid driving each other crazy. Much can be accomplished simply by talking to each other. Frank and open conversations help to establish the rules of engagement for a much more intrusive co-existence.
Manage expectations. Understanding what each partner expects of the other can help ward off disappointments. For example, discuss joint and individual activities, and keep a calendar of these so there are no surprises. It’s also a good idea to start these discussions a few months before retirement so both of you have time to prepare mentally and work on personal plans. In running the household, some husbands might not realize they are expected to help with chores when they retire. Talking that out explicitly eliminates any ambiguity. Consider letting him choose his tasks — he might find this more palatable, and still gets you to a more equitable work load. Regarding a husband’s need to offer un-sought advice in household management, it’s up to his wife to keep her ears peeled and
nip such intrusions early.
Pursue your own interests and maintain some separate friendships. Along with providing space, individual goals and friendships provide opportunities for personal growth and help you maintain your own identity. Along with ensuring emotional well-being, the time you spend apart gives you something to talk about when you’re together.
Establish separate territories in the home. My wife and I have our own pursuits and hobbies, and we do these in our own rooms in our house. We sometimes will go hours without running into each other, and when we do, it’s a welcome break from the time alone. Without our own individual space, each of us is much more likely to feel as though we are intruding or being intruded on, and as a result is more likely to get on each other’s nerves.
Know that you are not alone. Lots of happily married couples run into obstacles — and being aware adds a sense of normalcy to the event. If it happens, it’s not a reflection on them and their marriage isn’t necessarily falling apart. Nevertheless, each couple will find it’s worth the effort to face all issues early on when they’re minor annoyances, rather than let them fester and become major sources of conflict.
Divorce after 50 — also flatteringly known as gray divorce — is on the rise, and retirement may have something to do with it.
Some couples are not prepared for the realities of being around their spouse more often, according to marriage experts. Rob Pascale, a retired marketing research executive, and Dr. Louis H. Primavera, dean of Touro College School of Health Sciences, are co-authors of “The Retirement Maze: What You Should Know Before and After You Retire” (Rowman & Littlefield, 2012). Pascale and Primavera told the Huffington Post via email how retirement can hurt a marriage.
“Some couples might find they don’t have quite as much in common as they once thought,” they wrote. “While still in the workforce, underlying differences can be masked, because so much attention is taken up by work and raising a family. But these differences can come to the forefront when couples are more focused just on each other.”
We asked the authors to share just how retirement can negatively impact a marriage, and what couples can do to protect their marriage.
How do relationships change when one or both of the partners are retired?
For retiring men, marriage is a good thing. He has a ready companion, a source of emotional support, and some continuity in a disrupted life. Well, at least if his marriage is good. If it’s not, he and his wife might find that retirement makes their relationship even worse just from the added time together. In fact, those who don’t want to retire point to the quality of their marriage as one reason why they plan to keep working. But even in good marriages, two people spending day after day in close proximity can be stressful. Things are likely to start off well enough — in the initial stages, couples rate their marriages more favorably, have better sex lives, and feel their relationships have actually improved. But the honeymoon ends rather quickly, and some might run into snags as they grapple with the realities of close quarter living.
Why do these changes occur?
Out of sync expectations can be one. Husbands and wives might have very different notions about how they want to live, individually and as a couple. For example, a wife might presume her retired husband will help more with household chores, or either spouse may expect more involvement from the other in their preferred leisure activities. Feelings of disappointment because of misaligned expectations can lead to resentment if either partner feels neglected or is not getting fair consideration of his or her own interests.
Then there is the issue of social over-dependency. Psychologists assert that being socially connected is essential for mental health, and we found that happily retired couples have active social lives with lots of friends. Women seem to grasp this — they are generally more socially integrated, having more and stronger emotional ties to friends and family. Men, in contrast, have fewer close relationships, and many depend on their wives to keep them socially involved. A certain amount of social dependency is reasonable. But for some wives dependency can become extreme. In fact, we found that many men expect to be the primary focus of their wives’ attention when newly retired. This of course is not at all realistic nor is it healthy for either spouse. And many wives might become angry and resentful if they have to surrender more of their personal time than they’d like to.
Finally, some retired husbands might try to interfere in household management, typically the domain of their wives. In some respects, this is predictable, especially for those men who held supervisory positions and were used to directing people and events. When they retire they turn their attention to managing what‘s left — their home and their wives. However, not many wives have a need for or will accept a domestic consultant, and are likely to react negatively to such an intrusion of their territory.
What are some ways couples can psychologically prepare for retirement and protect their marriage?
In general, we found that with time and practice — after a few years — many husbands get better at retirement. They become less demanding of their wives’ time, and some either establish their own personal interests or just learn to respect their wives’ independence. And there’s also likely to be some compromise, with husbands expecting less and wives giving more than either initially planned. But when difficulties surface, there are things couples can do to avoid driving each other crazy. Much can be accomplished simply by talking to each other. Frank and open conversations help to establish the rules of engagement for a much more intrusive co-existence.
Manage expectations. Understanding what each partner expects of the other can help ward off disappointments. For example, discuss joint and individual activities, and keep a calendar of these so there are no surprises. It’s also a good idea to start these discussions a few months before retirement so both of you have time to prepare mentally and work on personal plans. In running the household, some husbands might not realize they are expected to help with chores when they retire. Talking that out explicitly eliminates any ambiguity. Consider letting him choose his tasks — he might find this more palatable, and still gets you to a more equitable work load. Regarding a husband’s need to offer un-sought advice in household management, it’s up to his wife to keep her ears peeled and
nip such intrusions early.
Pursue your own interests and maintain some separate friendships. Along with providing space, individual goals and friendships provide opportunities for personal growth and help you maintain your own identity. Along with ensuring emotional well-being, the time you spend apart gives you something to talk about when you’re together.
Establish separate territories in the home. My wife and I have our own pursuits and hobbies, and we do these in our own rooms in our house. We sometimes will go hours without running into each other, and when we do, it’s a welcome break from the time alone. Without our own individual space, each of us is much more likely to feel as though we are intruding or being intruded on, and as a result is more likely to get on each other’s nerves.
Know that you are not alone. Lots of happily married couples run into obstacles — and being aware adds a sense of normalcy to the event. If it happens, it’s not a reflection on them and their marriage isn’t necessarily falling apart. Nevertheless, each couple will find it’s worth the effort to face all issues early on when they’re minor annoyances, rather than let them fester and become major sources of conflict.
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
By the way, I think he failed Aristolian Logic
RUBY
Well-Known Member
Well OP what do you want to do?
If you want to retire at per the original plan, just tell him so. What is he gonna do if you don't go along with his fantasy? He can't mess up your retirement plans. You retiring isn't going to stop him from going to the gym from 6-9am is it? He can do all the things he wants to do whether you are out working or lying in bed next to him.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Well, I'm doing like @Crackers Phinn suggested and negoitiating. But here's the twist. I'm keeping my original date but he can retire early---I'm not changing my plans. I also asked for all the closet space in our bedroom.
He failed SAHH tryouts yesterday---did laundry, no meal.
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
Okay, I don't think we can reach an agreement.
Day 1 - No Dinner
Day 2 - No Dinner ; League Bowling for him.
Day 3 - Discussion. " On days that I do league bowling, I don't think I should have to cook. Also, you need to keep Sunday dinners."
Okay, so he has removed himself from three out of seven days, plus Sunday dinner usually generates 2 days of left overs, so now we are up to 5 days. On Fridays and Saturdays, we usually don't have a heavy evening meal just a late lunch of salad/sandwiches -- in the summer grill meats.
So that means ZERO days of cooking for him.
Day 1 - No Dinner
Day 2 - No Dinner ; League Bowling for him.
Day 3 - Discussion. " On days that I do league bowling, I don't think I should have to cook. Also, you need to keep Sunday dinners."
Okay, so he has removed himself from three out of seven days, plus Sunday dinner usually generates 2 days of left overs, so now we are up to 5 days. On Fridays and Saturdays, we usually don't have a heavy evening meal just a late lunch of salad/sandwiches -- in the summer grill meats.
So that means ZERO days of cooking for him.
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Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
This is sounding less and less like a partnership. Maybe he needs to go somewhere and find himself. What is he trying to accomplish here? I’d say it sounds like he wants to be single but there’s no indication that he’s interested in seeing other people. He just wants no responsibilities and the appearance of being taken care of. Is this a mid life crisis?
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Has he always been like this?
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Yes. He has always been serious and competitive in intramural sports league play, and I mean SERIOUS. He also follows pro sports and politics. He has NEVER cooked because I actually enjoy cooking. We also have had definitive household roles and cooking has never been in his wheelhouse.
Now he is being cunning.
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
Cost for trappers to remove squirrels - $900.00. The cost of trapping cages would have been $125.00---but then you have to retrieve the cages and release the squirrels at least three miles away.
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
Okay,
Talked to a girlfriend whose husband retired last year--she is still working. She states her husband will ask her "Do you need me to cook today?" Her daily reply is "are you home today?"
Talked to a girlfriend whose husband retired last year--she is still working. She states her husband will ask her "Do you need me to cook today?" Her daily reply is "are you home today?"
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I would just die! You’d have to put the cage with a wild animal in it in your car and drive 3 miles to release it? I cannot even imagine! $900 well spent!
Transformer
Well-Known Member
You have to do this everyday until there are three consecutive days without anyTHING in the trap.
GreenEyedJen
Well-Known Member
OP,
I'll preface this by saying I'm not married, not really trying to get married in the super near future; I am in a serious relationship with someone I consider my friend. In my case, this man is also my twin flame--I know you don't think that way about your spouse (yes, I was creeping in that soul mate thread).
I'm not trying to get too into your business, but you did mention in that thread that you don't believe he is your soul mate. Well, do you believe he is your friend? If so, what would your reaction be to friend that went back on a promise you two made to each other? Would you get annoyed and say screw the friendship, or would you get annoyed but then say fiiiineeeeeee, you my bestie or whateva and you is annoying or whateva but I got you this time cuz you got me next?
Maybe thinking about it in terms of friendship and not relationship would make your next move clearer to you.
I'll preface this by saying I'm not married, not really trying to get married in the super near future; I am in a serious relationship with someone I consider my friend. In my case, this man is also my twin flame--I know you don't think that way about your spouse (yes, I was creeping in that soul mate thread).
I'm not trying to get too into your business, but you did mention in that thread that you don't believe he is your soul mate. Well, do you believe he is your friend? If so, what would your reaction be to friend that went back on a promise you two made to each other? Would you get annoyed and say screw the friendship, or would you get annoyed but then say fiiiineeeeeee, you my bestie or whateva and you is annoying or whateva but I got you this time cuz you got me next?
Maybe thinking about it in terms of friendship and not relationship would make your next move clearer to you.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Mind you we had this done in the Spring. Trapper says it is our fault that we didn't keep the tree limbs cut back at least 6 feet from the roof line and that we didn't closed some openings in the soffit.
My sister has suggested that we spray the trapped squirrels YELLOW so that we can identify them when they return. She thinks the trapper released the squirrels in the neighborhood knowing that they will find their way back to our attic.
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Transformer
Well-Known Member
This is a hard one. We're friends but not the level of friendship I have with my sister which is really deep. I'm more pissed at this out of no where FANTASY request that he has no intent on making good. I would have felt better if he had openly stated " I have reservations about us retiring at the same time because we will get on each others nerves." I know some men will fake cooking ....like grilling....he won't go near a grill. I had him to place chicken on the grill once and he placed it skin side down on a non oiled surface. We had blacken chicken that day.
My girlfriend stated she gave her husband 60 days of freedom then she wanted him to make good on his promises. She also says she fears the impact to the relationship when she retires and is the reason why she hasn't retired.
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Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
Did they offer a service to address the roofline? I had flying squirrels in the attic and the service included trapping and exclusion (closing up the soffits).
Black Ambrosia
Well-Known Member
You need to have an honest conversation about this and suggest counseling. If he values you and this relationship he’ll see that this is a bigger issue than he’s presenting it to be.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
This is what is bothering me. When me and the mister negotiate on something it's with the understanding that the other person is going to do what they said they are going to do. There may be some foot dragging and a little hemming and hawing but eventually we both make good or at least exert the effort to make good.
I've mentioned before that me and him do our best to resolve conflict before small problems become big because we both have a tendency to hold things in until things reach a boiling point. That said sometimes ugly pressure cooker explosions are necessary to remind you of how precious a peaceful home is.
I have no suggestions beyond a cussing out and I know you're a fancy lady and won't do that.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
It’s funny you say that because I was listening to a YouTube video and the guy was saying those moments of intensity are necessary to solve problems.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Yep, they did. We told the trapper we would get the original installer to cap the ends of the soffit in the SPECIALTY color to match the rest of the soffitt. Bottomed line we didn't have it done. Now the trappers will use a different color at the ends to close them.
Since I'm told that squirrels are territorial, I didn't they would return. I think the squirrels are employing GPS.
Transformer
Well-Known Member
Understand. He says we are still in the negotiating and try-out stage. He's blaming his lack of meals on UNINVITED Holiday GUESTS prep which is whole different thread.
I've always enjoyed your shady posts about your husband tbh.Exactly. I would've just laughed.
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