Throw in towel?

[syze6]

When a man in a marriage says we have grown apart and not on the same page do you throw in the towel or work on it?

My friend and her hubby have been going through it lately. She says, he seems to constantly complain and pick arguments over the silliest things. She said it got to the point, she felt she was walking on egg shells in her home. He would have these bouts of depression and when asked why he couldn't produce an answer. She said, it got to the point, you never know what kind of day it's going to be when he's around. He was constantly hot and cold.

So yesterday, they got into a argument that ended being a blow up with him saying they have grown apart and not on the same page. She's thinking how did the argument go from this small thing to the whole grown apart comment. That's not the kind of thing one just blurts out. She says, she was kind of relieved to hear him say those words. She got tired of feeling as if something was off with her and trying to figure him out. She says, it explained a lot about his actions. So she tells him, if he's not happy he doesn't have to be there. She wouldn't want to live her life with someone around her who isn't happy within the marriage. Her cousin, tells her she just basically gave up on her marriage.

 

[brownb83]

He has to change and work on the marriage too.

He has already mentally checked out.

He likes/wants someone else and is possibly already communicating with them.

He doesn't want the marriage. But men dont like to be the bad guy hence his actions. He is going to tell everyone she ended the marriage.He knew she was/is uncomfortable.

If he really wanted to be with her he wouldn't act this way. I'm not telling her to leave but these are signs/flags that she needs to sort out.

However I'm not a fan of telling women to actively work on martial issues alone. She has protect her heart/emotions so she won't become hard.

Bottom line this is his out. She should let him have it.

 

[Foxglove]

They need to go to a counselor and get to the root of their problems

 

[syze6]

I was thinking along these lines but I try not to tell people about their marriage.

He seems to have been looking for a way out. She said in the argument, he bought up something that he felt she did that occurred last summer. It was at that moment she says, she realized that he harbored some type of negative feeling toward her. He basically was holding that on his heart against her. When I asked her what it was, I couldn't get the gist of it myself. It was something that really seemed so petty. I can't imagine having to live day to day with someone who is harboring resentment of some kind. When she asked him why he was in a marriage he seemed so unhappy in, he told her he didn't know, he will figure it out.

 

[LeftRightRepeat]

i am hot headed so i probably would have said the same thing too.

and as said before, she can't work on the marriage by herself. If he gives no indication of wanting to do tha, then it makes no sense for her to "fight for her marriage" by herself imo.

If she said it out of anger or pride , she can go to him later after things have calmed down and ask him if he's willing to go to counselling or try to work on their marriage in other ways.

 

[brownb83]

They need to go to a counselor and get to the root of their problems

I can guarantee he won't want to go.

 

[*CherryPie*]

He has been divorced in his mind for a while now, and he's not going to a counselor... He just needed her to open the door for him to leave...and she just did.

 

[syze6]

Pretty much. She did share that she found out he was calling/texting escort services. So yeah, he has been single in his mind for a while. I'm sure one would grow apart from a partner for sure with that going on.

 

[ElizaBlue]

If he wanted it to be fixed he would have given her the tools to fix it last summer, but by withholding his feelings and allowing the resentment to grow he took away any opportunity she...they had to recover. Counseling is for people who want to fix what is broken...not for those couples where one wants out.

Me...I would bid him adieu and thank the Baby Jesus for giving me a chance to get it right again with someone else.

 

[hopeful]

Pretty much. She did share that she found out he was calling/texting escort services. So yeah, he has been single in his mind for a while. I'm sure one would grow apart from a partner for sure with that going on.

Yep, he's definitely checked out. ITA with ElizaBlue. I'd bid him adieu. Also, keep in mind that the "small" thing she did may be bigger than she's letting on. But either way, doesn't seem like there's anything she can do about it now.

 

[Fine 4s]

Wrote a post that got lost...
Feel bad for both of them. He shouldn't have to stay if he's not happy and she deserves to find love. Why don't marriages last forever....maybe they aren't meant to be? This has me really thinking about this forever after stuff....nothing lasts forever *sniff*

 

[Bklynqueen]

This situation hits a little too close, I sure could have wrote this post. Your friend may just be realizing this but she was basically in a war by herself to save her marriage, her husband went AWOL for more than a year. The worse feeling in the world is to be in a relationship, especially in a marriage with someone who holds onto grudges. It means more often or not, your partner is always angry at you for something and once that anger starts to fade, they have to come up with another reason to remain angry, hence the petty arguments over nothing. Your friend will NEVER win with her husband because he doesn't want to resolve it - that's why she's walking on eggshells now. Her husband is emotionally abusive by not being a mature adult by discussing his anger in a normal and mature way. He's a passive aggressive jerk and unfortunately your friend needs to start getting her ducks in a row, her husband will certainly show a much more nasty personality if she stays. I'm so sorry she wasted her time on a person like this.