Threesome About to Become a Twosome :(

[Enyo]

Threesome About to Become a Twosome UPDATED!!

Even though I'm not very active in the LGBT community, I do have a few friends that are lesbian or bisexual. One of them (I'll call her Jane) was over last night and told me that she was falling for a mutual female friend of ours (I'll call her Karen). To start, I hate when people tell me about feelings towards mutual friends because it's awkward. I know Jane is gay/bi friendly because we talk about girls around/to her and she listens and sometimes asks questions.

Jane is going to separate herself from Karen because it's a serious conflict. The three of us are pretty close - we go out at least once a week and text a lot. Jane is not going to say anything to Karen because she doesn't want her to know. She's just going to fade out and I'm sure Karen is going to notice. And, of course, I cannot tell Karen that Jane and I are still hanging out because it would hurt her feelings.

This situation sucks feet. I have had to separate myself from people who I caught feelings for, but they weren't part of a clique or group. Advice? Thanks in advance.

UPDATE ON PAGE 2!
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[BEAUTYU2U]

Snitch.

10 characters.

 

[Enyo]

Snitch.

10 characters.

Girl, I can't be doing that. At least, not when it comes to same-sex stuff. If Jane was a dude, I probably would. But people can get real funny when they find out that a same-sex friend who has seen them butt nekkid (we go to the Korean spa once a month) is physically and emotionally attracted to them.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Is Karen gay or bi? I think Jane is being a little childish about the whole thing. She's putting you in an awkward position and losing a friendship.

 

[Enyo]

Is Karen gay or bi? I think Jane is being a little childish about the whole thing. She's putting you in an awkward position and losing a friendship.

My impression about Karen is that she is a straight woman who finds same-sex relationships interesting. But I honestly don't think she has any real interest in women in a physical sense. I'm mad at Jane, but at the same time I completely understand. I have seen when women tell another woman that they are attracted to them, and it really got nasty. Accusations were made and spirits were broken. I don't want to see that down! :-(

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

My impression about Karen is that she is a straight woman who finds same-sex relationships interesting. But I honestly don't think she has any real interest in women in a physical sense. I'm mad at Jane, but at the same time I completely understand. I have seen when women tell another woman that they are attracted to them, and it really got nasty. Accusations were made and spirits were broken. I don't want to see that down! :-(

But you see how Jane has made that YOUR problem instead of hers? Not cool.

 

[Enyo]

But you see how Jane has made that YOUR problem instead of hers? Not cool.

True. I guess I'm torn because I can see both sides of it. Either way, there is going to be a serious split. It's just a matter of how it happens.

Jane can tell Karen how she feels, and knowing Karen, I don't think she'd be happy. She'd do what a lot of people do and question if Jane was being kind and supportive for nefarious reasons. Also, she'd be upset with me thinking that I knew the whole time. She might end up distrusting us both.

I wonder if she is able to lay low for a while and then admit what happened after she and Karen have not seen either other in a few months. At least some distance will have grown by then making it easier to break the news.

 

[PJaye]

It seems like Karen is going to be penalized for Jane's lack of boundaries. I also think that Karen has a right to know that her friend is checking out her cheeks at the spa.

 

[ckisland]

Why would she not like finding out that her friend likes her? Someone can be attracted to you and care about you at the same time. . . it's the foundation of relationships . Never had a friend leave the circle because they liked another friend. I guess I was a part of a really supportive circle, because those of us in the know would always tell the person to go for it and see what happens . Sexual attractive doesn't have to negate friendship. It would be sad to have your set up fall apart because someone was being a chicken. I'd be pissed, and would tell the other friend myself

 

[Enyo]

It seems like Karen is going to be penalized for Jane's lack of boundaries. I also think that Karen has a right to know that her friend is checking out her cheeks at the spa.

I don't think Jane has crossed any boundaries. As far as the jjimjilbang goes, I can't put Jane out there like that because Karen is unique looking and has the most beautiful skin I've ever seen. I look too. If I snitch on Jane, I have to snitch on myself...and half of the bathhouse.

Why would she not like finding out that her friend likes her? Someone can be attracted to you and care about you at the same time. . . it's the foundation of relationships . Never had a friend leave the circle because they liked another friend. I guess I was a part of a really supportive circle, because those of us in the know would always tell the person to go for it and see what happens . Sexual attractive doesn't have to negate friendship. It would be sad to have your set up fall apart because someone was being a chicken. I'd be pissed, and would tell the other friend myself

I think it's because it's a same-sex thing. I honestly do not think if Jane was named "John" that'd I'd even be talking about this. I have seen these types of situations go wrong so many times. In fact, I've never seen it be successful. Hearts always get broken, someone feels betrayed, and things are never the same. That's why I make it a point never to make friends with straight women I'm very attracted to. It always gets messy. But I usually tell the lady why I can't be close to them and most of them have accepted it.

 

[PJaye]

I don't think Jane has crossed any boundaries. As far as the jjimjilbang goes, I can't put Jane out there like that because Karen is unique looking and has the most beautiful skin I've ever seen. I look too. If I snitch on Jane, I have to snitch on myself...and half of the bathhouse.

I hear you, but I disagree. Catching feelings for a friend, not to mention one that is of the same sex, is a boundary-crossing deal breaker. Friends are platonic entities; you never dally with them (or the help). That's just how my friends, family and I roll. Still, I respect your view on the issue.

 

[pearcey]

It seems like Karen is going to be penalized for Jane's lack of boundaries. I also think that Karen has a right to know that her friend is checking out her cheeks at the spa.

Ya know at first I was gonna be like, who cares if Jane likes Karen, they can still be friends. especially if she doesn't act on it, knowing Jane does not go that way.

THEN I read what you wrote. I never thought of that. yeah, that would be weird. One day Karen may see Jane oogling weirdly and it would probably come out...

 

[caltron]

This is such a tough situation. I can understand Jane's reluctance to tell Karen, but I know if I were in Karen's shoes I would be very hurt by the distancing. You three are close friends and not just passing acquaintances.

I think Karen needs an explanation. If she's a true friend, she won't go off the deep end and she'll be concerned for Jane's feelings. Jane is understandably assuming the worse, but it might be that Karen is flattered even if she has no interest since she is gay/bi friendly. Male/female platonic friendships usually don't work, but here you would have one straight friend and on gay friend so there wouldn't be the chance of mutual sexual attraction that you'd normally have.

I think Jane needs to give Karen a chance and be honest.

 

[Enyo]

This is such a tough situation. I can understand Jane's reluctance to tell Karen, but I know if I were in Karen's shoes I would be very hurt by the distancing. You three are close friends and not just passing acquaintances.

I think Karen needs an explanation. If she's a true friend, she won't go off the deep end and she'll be concerned for Jane's feelings. Jane is understandably assuming the worse, but it might be that Karen is flattered even if she has no interest since she is gay/bi friendly. Male/female platonic friendships usually don't work, but here you would have one straight friend and on gay friend so there wouldn't be the chance of mutual sexual attraction that you'd normally have.

I think Jane needs to give Karen a chance and be honest.

This is the most logical idea, but a lot of people are not willing to let that slide. My close friend from high school who is gay/bi friendly completely dropped a friend when the poor girl said she had feelings from her. I find that people can accept things when they are purely conceptual, but when it becomes a reality in their lives, everything changes.

I also believe this attraction is 70% emotional. The things Jane says about Karen are usually about stuff that anyone can technically appreciate, but is hyperbolized in this situation. I understand because I'm similar in that I tend to find women beautiful, but most of my attraction comes from wanting to be in their presence a lot and feeling down when you're apart, listening to them talk, feeling my heart rate jump when I see them, being viciously protective, etc. In my experience, sexual attraction is MUCH easier to hide than emotional. Emotional crap often comes out during common social situations. The intensity in interest is very palpable.

Case in point: Karen tends to deal with loser men. She’s casually dating a nice guy, but the last one was too young for her an unstable (serious PTSD from multiple deployments). He’d call drunk, curse at her and insult her. I gave this guy a huge side-eye and told Karen she deserved better and should cut this guy out of her life. Jane, however, went off. She got all loud, huffy and red and was about to call the guy herself. It was so different than what she did the last few times Karen told us about whatever idiot was in her life at the moment. Karen was just confused, but I had a feeling in my gut it was going there.

 

[caltron]

I see what you mean now. So sad that the friendship has to end! I hope you're able to maintain your friendships with both.

 

[metro_qt]

I do believe Karen should be told, and the decision should be up to her.

If Jane wants to distance herself, she let's karen know what's going on and why she won't be around, because of the conflict of interest.

Karen can now make up her own mind about how she wants to proceed, instead of y'all doing it for her.

It was also not jane's place to put you in the middle.

 

[Enyo]

I see what you mean now. So sad that the friendship has to end! I hope you're able to maintain your friendships with both.

It sucks because they are both amazing women. I might try and talk Jane into disclosing the emotional part. I think that's less threatening that the physical. Everyone wants to be loved and desired. Hopefully Karen will not ask if there is a physical aspect, and if she does, I hope stuff doesn't hit the fan.

I do believe Karen should be told, and the decision should be up to her. If Jane wants to distance herself, she let's karen know what's going on and why she won't be around, because of the conflict of interest. Karen can now make up her own mind about how she wants to proceed, instead of y'all doing it for her. It was also not jane's place to put you in the middle.

I was mad, but I understand why she did it. She really doesn't have anyone else to tell because we are each other's only support system down here. We are not "out" and no one from her home on the mainland knows.

As far as making Karen's choice for her, I think it's Jane's right to only share what she wants to share. Whatever she decides to do is going to affect her as much as it does Karen. In the end, Jane wants to leave. She has the right to do that if she wants. I think it's a little mean, but I have no say in the matter. She's grown.

 

[SmileyNY]

You shouldn't lie to "Karen" about spending time with "Jane". It's Jane's job to explain to Karen what's up. If she doesn't want to, that's not your problem. Eventually, Karen will call her to see what's up and they can hash it out between the two of them... as they should.

 

[Lucie]

I think Jane should tell Karen. It's not like Karen is a stranger. I've been in that situation and it was awkward at first but as long as no lines are crossed, it should be fine. I'd hate to see a friendship dissolve. Good luck to all of you.

 

[Enyo]

You shouldn't lie to "Karen" about spending time with "Jane". It's Jane's job to explain to Karen what's up. If she doesn't want to, that's not your problem. Eventually, Karen will call her to see what's up and they can hash it out between the two of them... as they should.

I was going to commit the sin of omission. Sure as heck not going to lie, but I may not put it on Facebook and stuff like that. I hope they do work it out.

I think Jane should tell Karen. It's not like Karen is a stranger. I've been in that situation and it was awkward at first but as long as no lines are crossed, it should be fine. I'd hate to see a friendship dissolve. Good luck to all of you.

What did you end up doing?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Does Karen know Jane's sexuality? Cause if she does and her admission freaks her out, she's quite naive

 

[sky_blu]

This is tough to me bc I've been hit on by women and I felt awkward then I would avoid them once I knew bc of the awkwardness. Now these were random women but if it was my close friend I would rather them tell me as opposed to just disappearing but I dont think you should tell the friend.

 

[Enyo]

Does Karen know Jane's sexuality? Cause if she does and her admission freaks her out, she's quite naive

Yes, but like I said earlier, known and having to face it directly are two different things.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Maaaan, it shouldn't be this hard I have a bi best friend and I know she's looked at me some kind of way before (that emotional attraction), she never did anything, but I knew. Eventually, she moves on. We're still best friends. You may be the only mature one in the bunch.

 

[MixedBerry]

Maybe Karen already knows. Women have great intuition. Maybe Karen suspects something and that's why she stills hangs out with Jane and you. My ex best friend, who I already knew was bi, told me she was very attracted to me after a few months of hanging out. See, I knew she was bi since the very beginning of our friendship. If I had any issues with that, I wouldn't have became friends with her. And yes, I was extremely flattered when she told me of her attraction towards me. Things were crazy awkward at first...and then they became lovely. I became attracted to her. Heck maybe I was already attracted to her but didn't realize it or suppressed it. Anyway, I'll stop right there with all that lol and just say that Karen is a grown woman who may or may not have feelings for Jane and who may or may not freak out. Tell Jane to tell her so she can at least sleep better at night!

 

[Enyo]

Maaaan, it shouldn't be this hard I have a bi best friend and I know she's looked at me some kind of way before (that emotional attraction), she never did anything, but I knew. Eventually, she moves on. We're still best friends. You may be the only mature one in the bunch.

I know!! It's a mess.

Maybe Karen already knows. Women have great intuition. Maybe Karen suspects something and that's why she stills hangs out with Jane and you.

Karen is dense in that way. I remember once a guy saying something like, "Being around you makes me feel better after a crazy day" and she all surprised like she couldn't pick up on the fact that he craves her company because she's comforting. Jane and I were like most people feel that way about you.

 

[SincerelyJane]

Hmm this is interesting. I honestly never thought about this. My roomie from college who has remained one of my besties is bi. She came out to me when we first talked about rooming together. It had never ever occurred to me that she was or ever would be attracted to me, we were just friends. However, I don't know if I would have been as comfortable rooming with her in such close quarters (we shared a dorm room) if I ever had a thought she was physically attracted to me because I mean we saw each other naked it all the time.

This is the first time I've ever even considered the idea that my friend could have ever been attracted to me. The other women she hung out with who were LGBT were more vocal about their attraction to various women, and even a little aggressive IMO. I didn't feel as comfortable hanging out with them. But my roomie never made me feel uncomfortable at all.

IMO, I think your friend should say something to Karen, because either way the friendship has been changed. It's never going to be the same again. She is choosing to end it on her terms, but if she talks to Karen about it, maybe Karen can let you all know wha boundaries she would like to set to maintain the friendship, or maybe she will agree with Jane that they shouldn't hang out anymore.

That's JMO.

 

[SincerelyJane]

lol not you guys are making me feel naive

Maybe that's why my parents were so uncomfortable with me living with her??? I honestly didn't get it

Either way it's a non-issue for me and my friend, it had never affected our friendships. We were both dating heavily during the time we lived with each other, I really don't think she sees me in that way. I do wonder how it never crossed my mind though. Maybe I am naive a little bit.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

lol not you guys are making me feel naive

Maybe that's why my parents were so uncomfortable with me living with her??? I honestly didn't get it

Either way it's a non-issue for me and my friend, it had never affected our friendships. We were both dating heavily during the time we lived with each other, I really don't think she sees me in that way. I do wonder how it never crossed my mind though. Maybe I am naive a little bit.

IMO, it's not really different than having a straight male friend. It doesn't mean they want to attack you but the close relationship is already there and sometimes lines get blurred. It could be fleeting, it could get serious. My best friend/roommate didn't even tell me she was bi. Our other friend accidentally spilled the beans although I had suspicions.

 

[kupenda]

These relationships are so hard lol. When I first moved on campus, I told my roomies I was bi. They knew my orientation and still wanted to be friends with me. When I became emotionally attracted to one, I told her. She understood and welcomed it. I had to distance myself because she tried to abuse it (turn it into a me, her and some guy thing -__-).

All that to say, ol Karen aint stoopid. She knows you guys orientation. I wouldnt be surprised if she already kinda knew. Idk. If I were jane, I would tell her. I've actually lost interest after telling a person lol