"The talk"...who's usually the initiator?

[zzirvingj]

When I say 'the talk' I'm referring to a convo about being exclusive with someone. Do you, as a female, usually initiate that type of convo? Do you mind doing so?

Or would you rather the man initiate it?

I'm asking because...I feel like men expect that women will be the ones to initiate 'the talk' because it's usually women who want the commitment. However, as a woman I don't necessarily like the idea of initiating...I'm still trying to figure out why but I feel this way...must be a pride thing...

 

[Poohbear]

My current boyfriend was the initiator. He brought it up after 3 weeks of dating. I was sorta surprised with him too.

 

[VelvetRain]

Honestly I have never been the initiator and never will be. That is his responsibility to ask and me to accept or deny. Besides you will usually know by a mans actions what direction he plans on taking things to.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

My boyfriend was the initiator and I think that's how it should be. If a man really wants you, he does not have a problem saying it and showing it.

 

[DayStar]

FH, was.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Oh my...well I have no problems being the first one to discuss something like that. And when I'm inclined to it's usually because we both appear to be on the same page. I would never do it otherwise. I've done it twice in my relationship life and the feelings were definitely mutual and the guy was happy to express himself to me and what he wanted as well. In fact, I was told that he was so happy that I felt that way because he did too. I guess I have no issues with doing it because I did not have a bad experience either time. You aint asking him to marry you...you are just taking the initiative to discuss exclusivity. It's HOW you discuss it/come across more than anything else.

If you havent already addressed this:
You can start by asking what are you looking for in a relationship, provided he wants one? Discuss values and ideals, dreams surrounding the future and relationships...feel him out. What he says will determine what you say.

My current bf, told me he was marrying me the day he met me. As his feelings grew, he expressed everything to me. He said as he got to know me he knew he was not letting me go. But if he did not start it up, I would have. He's a great guy so yeah...yep.

 

[TayMac]

In my situations, I would expect the man to do it although I was the initiator with my SO. He already "assumed" we were exclusive so I had to let him know a lil' something...

 

[SmileyNY]

I think the woman should let her expectations be known, then take a step back and let the man take it from there. There's no use waiting around silently for someone to magically want what you want. It doesn't always happen that way.

 

[hopeful]

I wouldn't initiate jack. I would keep dating other people and keep my eyes open for other prospects, until he made it clear he wanted to be exclusive. I'd be like ooh I can't make it next week, someone asked me out on date. Him: what? Me: yes? Him: I didn't know you were seeing other people...Me: well you haven't made your feelings clear or suggested exclusivity, so uhm until you have made things clear I will assume we are both seeing other people. But I really like you. So like I said I'm busy Friday, how does Saturday look?

Maybe that's kinda mean but that's what I'd do. Then the ball will be in his court. A real man who wants you will do everything he could to get you to cancel that date.

 

[kandake]

The guy should do it. HOWEVER, if he doesn't within the time I think he should, I'll say something along the lines of "what are we doing" 9 times out of 10 if he doesn't say something before me its because he's not looking for an exclusive relationship. At that point I either bounce or if I enjoy his company I may keep dating while looking for other prospects and start weening myself away from him.

 

[qchelle]

I wouldn't initiate jack. I would keep dating other people and keep my eyes open for other prospects, until he made it clear he wanted to be exclusive. I'd be like ooh I can't make it next week, someone asked me out on date. Him: what? Me: yes? Him: I didn't know you were seeing other people...Me: well you haven't made your feelings clear or suggested exclusivity, so uhm until you have made things clear I will assume we are both seeing other people. But I really like you. So like I said I'm busy Friday, how does Saturday look?

Maybe that's kinda mean but that's what I'd do. Then the ball will be in his court. A real man who wants you will do everything he could to get you to cancel that date.

I've always done this!

 

[natural2008]

My fiance initiated the convo.

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

I agree with you OP, I would rather him be the initiator...

 

[NYAmicas]

In my experience the man has always.

 

[jazzerz]

I think the woman should let her expectations be known, then take a step back and let the man take it from there. There's no use waiting around silently for someone to magically want what you want. It doesn't always happen that way.

I agree with this.

What if he never 'initiates'? Do you just wait? Also, for the ladies that say they'd never initiate the talk, why not?


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[nappystorm]

I usually have the "what are your intentions" talk early on so I can know what to expect. After that, the ball is in his court. I make it known that I date multiple people until we're exclusive.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I wouldn't initiate jack. I would keep dating other people and keep my eyes open for other prospects, until he made it clear he wanted to be exclusive. I'd be like ooh I can't make it next week, someone asked me out on date. Him: what? Me: yes? Him: I didn't know you were seeing other people...Me: well you haven't made your feelings clear or suggested exclusivity, so uhm until you have made things clear I will assume we are both seeing other people. But I really like you. So like I said I'm busy Friday, how does Saturday look?

Maybe that's kinda mean but that's what I'd do. Then the ball will be in his court. A real man who wants you will do everything he could to get you to cancel that date.

YES, THIS all day. Maybe drop something about a cute dress I just bought, and how I hope it'll look nice at -insert nice date place- and in his mind the gears start grinding about how another man will be on the scene trying to woo you away. Men don't like that and it makes them eager to commit- if they were interested in committing to start with.

It sounds like playing games I guess but really it's just helping the man to figure out what he wants.

 

[aribell]

I don't know about "usually" but if nothing is said by him it's generally because he has nothing to say. If he's not asking for exclusivity or indicating that he believes that you are already exclusive, then it's because that's not what he's after--at least not at the moment. Don't wait for anyone, imo.

 

[Britt]

I wouldn't initiate jack. I would keep dating other people and keep my eyes open for other prospects, until he made it clear he wanted to be exclusive. I'd be like ooh I can't make it next week, someone asked me out on date. Him: what? Me: yes? Him: I didn't know you were seeing other people...Me: well you haven't made your feelings clear or suggested exclusivity, so uhm until you have made things clear I will assume we are both seeing other people. But I really like you. So like I said I'm busy Friday, how does Saturday look?

Maybe that's kinda mean but that's what I'd do. Then the ball will be in his court. A real man who wants you will do everything he could to get you to cancel that date.

I love this!

YES, THIS all day. Maybe drop something about a cute dress I just bought, and how I hope it'll look nice at -insert nice date place- and in his mind the gears start grinding about how another man will be on the scene trying to woo you away. Men don't like that and it makes them eager to commit- if they were interested in committing to start with.

It sounds like playing games I guess but really it's just helping the man to figure out what he wants.

I like this! These little tips and tricks are really helpful when dealing with men.

 

[*CherryPie*]

With me, the men always initiates...and if they take too long, I kind of take take my focus off of them, because I don't like playing games.

 

[sky_blu]

If a guy waits on me to initiate the conversation, he'd be waiting for a mighty long time. Sometimes I think I should initiate but I get comfortable and wait on him then I end up in situations where he's either giving me an ultimatum to be with him or he's out OR we end things because he thinks Im not interested in him because I didn't bring it up SMDH. I am so confused by guys.

 

[chocolat79]

I wouldn't initiate jack. I would keep dating other people and keep my eyes open for other prospects, until he made it clear he wanted to be exclusive. I'd be like ooh I can't make it next week, someone asked me out on date. Him: what? Me: yes? Him: I didn't know you were seeing other people...Me: well you haven't made your feelings clear or suggested exclusivity, so uhm until you have made things clear I will assume we are both seeing other people. But I really like you. So like I said I'm busy Friday, how does Saturday look?

Maybe that's kinda mean but that's what I'd do. Then the ball will be in his court. A real man who wants you will do everything he could to get you to cancel that date.

This happened to me with one of my exes. I was at his house chillin' and I told him I had to go and he was like, "where are you going?" I was like, "I'm going out with a guy." He was mad salty, he begged me to stay. Nope! The next day or so, he brought flowers to my house and told me he would have to step his game up, I was like, "yep, I guess you do". He did....

I said all that to say....I don't initiate. I don't think I've ever waited longer than 4 weeks for a guy to initiate "the talk", so I haven't had the opportunity to even think about initiating if I wanted. I'm spoiled now, so no point changing.#kanyeshrug

 

[Renewed1]

I was always the initiator because back then if I want a guy I will go and get him. Sometimes it work...sometimes not.

But now that I'm older and wiser, a man that is interested in me will give me the title of "girlfriend" or whatever.

 

[PraisedBeauty]

Me. And it's usually after I make out with them. (I'm saving myself until marriage)....And making out is taking it very far in my opinion. So afterward I am like "Yo. Are you bout to wife me?" I think I've done this 4 times. They all said yes. And we were exclusive.

 

[Honey Bee]

With my current SO, we were friends with benefits for about two weeks and then I let him know his 'trial period' was up... but he was already in love by then, so he jumped at the chance to make it exclusive.

 

[VelvetRain]

I will say this. The first time I asked where was this going? in a relationship was the last time I asked because I got dogged out by asking it. In other words I got strung along by dude telling me exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. You have no guarantee he is going to tell you the truth anyway. Personally I don't ask a thing. I sit back, chill and watch his actions to determine where it is going. Be careful asking that or just don't ask it at all. If dude is really feeling you and it's mutual there will be no doubt as to where it's going.

 

[gabulldawg]

I think that it usually should be the guy to initiate the talk, but with me and DH I was the one to initiate it. When we first started dating I told him that I didn't think I was ready for a serious relationship, so he told me to let him know if I ever decided that I was ready. So, I had to be the one to bring it up.

 

[ebsalita]

I think that it usually should be the guy to initiate the talk, but with me and DH I was the one to initiate it. When we first started dating I told him that I didn't think I was ready for a serious relationship, so he told me to let him know if I ever decided that I was ready. So, I had to be the one to bring it up.

Same here... I must add that when I said let's be exclusive he replied "I alrady am!" Lucky me

 

[gabulldawg]

Same here... I must add that when I said let's be exclusive he replied "I alrady am!" Lucky me

Same for me, which I'd figured.

 

[Aviah]

He was. And I think it should be that way. I tend to find that more men (more often) have no problem being in a relationship that isn't exclusive than women do. Therefore when he initiates the talk, along with his other interactions with you, to me it shows he's more serious about it than if it happens the other way around.
Not always the case of course, but that's how I see it.