the silent treatment

[chebaby]

im about to break down.

i have a male friend at work. we are just friends and we are always around each other even when we were told several times not to be. for the last three days, even though i missed one day of work, he has not been talking to me. he will walk by me and look the other way like he doesnt see me even though i sit in the same spot everyday. we normally work out together but we havent lately because i guess he doesnt want to. im about to break down because i used to date some one that works with us too and we arent talking right now either. normally i can take what people dish at me because i can give it back but this is really taking its tole on me.
i dont want to ask him whats wrong because i think thats what he's waiting for and im tired of chasing guys. even though we are just friends i dont want to take any crap from him that i wouldnt let a bf give me. im already depressed about the ex that i work with and its getting harder and harder for me to fake like im ok and my friend just added on more emotional confussion.
when i say im about to break down, i mean my eyes are burning with tears as i write this. im just so tired of people hurting me. i cant take it anymore. i dont know what to do.

thanx for reading this.
do you have any suggestions for me?

 

[WomanlyCharm]

If he was a real friend, he'd come to you and tell you if he has a problem with something you've done.

The fact that he's acting like a stupid little boy, just waiting for you to beg him to tell you what's wrong rubs me the wrong way completely.

Don't let his attitude affect how you feel...if he wants to act like an ass, I say let him! Square those shoulders, put a smile on your face and act HAPPY. Not only will this confuse him , studies show when you act or pretend that you're happy, you really do end up feeling better.

In the meantime (((HUGS))) from me!

 

[Tallone]

I'm used to females doing this kind of thing.
I don't think trying to find out the cause of his malfunction is chasing him. It could be a misunderstanding; a case of he said she said; or anything petty.
If I valued him as a friend and no I didnt do anything wrong, I would certainly call him (email is too easy to ignore) and ask what the problem is.
I also have the uncanny ability to not give a mothajumpa who chooses not to be bothered. Its a handy trait to have

 

[SeatownSista]

I would just ask him about it so that I wouldn't have to wonder what's going on. I don't see that as chasing at all. Since you two have been told several times already not to be around each other, perhaps he is just following orders. Try not to take it personal because you don't know what the reasons are behind his silence. I would just go to him in a light hearted manner and say that you've noticed he's been dodging you lately, whats up with that?

 

[chebaby]

thanx for all the responses.
usually i have the ability to not give a darn but its really getting to me. i think im gonna call him though.

 

[zora]

I wouldn't call him. I'd confront him at work during a break or something. You never explained why you aren't allowed to hang with him at work. Were you guys not doing your work?

Anyway, I don't like making phone calls in these situations. It gives the person too much power to decide whether to pick up the call or not. And I like to see non verbal communication and look them in the eyes to see what the real deal is. But that's just me.

If you think you might break down while confronting him in person, then I'd do the phone call.

Anyway, I hope you feel better. I totally understand how you feel. Do something nice for yourself.

 

[chebaby]

I wouldn't call him. I'd confront him at work during a break or something. You never explained why you aren't allowed to hang with him at work. Were you guys not doing your work?

Anyway, I don't like making phone calls in these situations. It gives the person too much power to decide whether to pick up the call or not. And I like to see non verbal communication and look them in the eyes to see what the real deal is. But that's just me.

If you think you might break down while confronting him in person, then I'd do the phone call.

Anyway, I hope you feel better. I totally understand how you feel. Do something nice for yourself.

thanx for the response.
we werent allowed around each other because we have this policy where the big wigs dont like too many people together at a time. i said earlier i was gonna call but i cant bring myself to do it. i decide sometime tonight though.

 

[MD_Lady]

thanx for the response.
we werent allowed around each other because we have this policy where the big wigs dont like too many people together at a time. i said earlier i was gonna call but i cant bring myself to do it. i decide sometime tonight though.

I hope today is a better day for you.

Since this is the first time he's acted like this towards you, I don't see the harm in giving him a call. But when you do, he needs to come right out and tell you what the deal is and not beat around the bush. If his "silent treatment" becomes a habit, I strongly recommend letting him sit there and stew. I had a male friend whole would give me the silent treatment and get mad at me for not knowing what his deal was and it wound up driving a wedge between us.

 

[itismehmmkay]

I'd ask him at work if something was wrong. Then read his response. If he says nothing and acts like nothing is wrong, that's your cue to leave it and him alone.

How are you feeling today?

 

[chebaby]

hey ladies.
im feeling better today thanx for asking.
but i think im only feeling better because i havent seen him yet. its when he walks by and looks the other way that bothers me, but we are adults and this seems so childish to me. im going to try not to let this bother me today.

 

[MD_Lady]

hey ladies.
im feeling better today thanx for asking.
but i think im only feeling better because i havent seen him yet. its when he walks by and looks the other way that bothers me, but we are adults and this seems so childish to me. im going to try not to let this bother me today.

I agree, his behavior is childish. Speaking from experience, I know it's not a good feeling when a friend ignores you. However, he really shouldn't carry on like this.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

hey ladies.
im feeling better today thanx for asking.
but i think im only feeling better because i havent seen him yet. its when he walks by and looks the other way that bothers me, but we are adults and this seems so childish to me. im going to try not to let this bother me today.

I agree with most of the advice here, which is to just calmly ask him if he's okay. I wouldn't even ASSume that it has anything to do with you personally. A lot of times we think that people are treating us a certain way due to us personally. We are usually the "stars" of our own show. But a lot of times people may just be having bad days, having something on their mind, or may be trying to keep a low profile. I also agree that his behavior is immature, but I've been known to act this way as well. When we've been hurt emotionally, sometimes we may not carry ourselves in a very mature way.

Suppose maybe he has gotten word from someone that you two shouldn't be "socializing" so much, and so he's trying to tone it down and act like he doesn't see you due to that? Just a thought...

Also, are you SURE there were NOOOO romantic feelings between either of you at one point in time? Maybe you only saw him as a friend, but are you SURE that he only saw you as a friend? His ignoring you seems to have gotten you a bit down also...and I'm wondering if there isn't a deeper reason why... Just a thought!

But yeah, usually if something is bothering w/someone, or if I think that I may have offended someone, the best thing to do is just approach the person directly. Unless you can't be physically face-to-face w/the person, or you think you may breakdown and get emotional infront of him, I wouldn't do the phone call thing either since it's so impersonal.

Hope everything works out for you! Keep us posted!

 

[chebaby]

I agree with most of the advice here, which is to just calmly ask him if he's okay. I wouldn't even ASSume that it has anything to do with you personally. A lot of times we think that people are treating us a certain way due to us personally. We are usually the "stars" of our own show. But a lot of times people may just be having bad days, having something on their mind, or may be trying to keep a low profile. I also agree that his behavior is immature, but I've been known to act this way as well. When we've been hurt emotionally, sometimes we may not carry ourselves in a very mature way.

Suppose maybe he has gotten word from someone that you two shouldn't be "socializing" so much, and so he's trying to tone it down and act like he doesn't see you due to that? Just a thought...

Also, are you SURE there were NOOOO romantic feelings between either of you at one point in time? Maybe you only saw him as a friend, but are you SURE that he only saw you as a friend? His ignoring you seems to have gotten you a bit down also...and I'm wondering if there isn't a deeper reason why... Just a thought!

But yeah, usually if something is bothering w/someone, or if I think that I may have offended someone, the best thing to do is just approach the person directly. Unless you can't be physically face-to-face w/the person, or you think you may breakdown and get emotional infront of him, I wouldn't do the phone call thing either since it's so impersonal.

Hope everything works out for you! Keep us posted!

actually i do have a theory why he isnt talking to me. he asked me last wednsday to do work for him and i said no. he pushes the key to me so i could do it anyway and laughs and walks away. later that night around 11pm he asked me did i do it and i said no. he gets mad and walks away saying for me not to ask him for anything but the whole time i was laughing because i didnt think he was serious. this si the same guy that i asked to do me a favor at work and he lashed out at me about being lazy and that no he wouldnt do my work for me. i said fine, i understood and walked away with no problem. its been almost a week and i guess hes still mad. i was sad at first but the more i think about it the more pissed i get. he's been doing a lot of little things lately that pisses me off and i let it go. i still havent asked him whats wrong and i dont think i will. i'll just let him sulk.

 

[itismehmmkay]

actually i do have a theory why he isnt talking to me. he asked me last wednsday to do work for him and i said no. he pushes the key to me so i could do it anyway and laughs and walks away. later that night around 11pm he asked me did i do it and i said no. he gets mad and walks away saying for me not to ask him for anything but the whole time i was laughing because i didnt think he was serious. this si the same guy that i asked to do me a favor at work and he lashed out at me about being lazy and that no he wouldnt do my work for me. i said fine, i understood and walked away with no problem. its been almost a week and i guess hes still mad. i was sad at first but the more i think about it the more pissed i get. he's been doing a lot of little things lately that pisses me off and i let it go. i still havent asked him whats wrong and i dont think i will. i'll just let him sulk.

Well hell I think I'd do the bolded, too. That probably is why he's mad...oh well.

 

[MD_Lady]

actually i do have a theory why he isnt talking to me. he asked me last wednsday to do work for him and i said no. he pushes the key to me so i could do it anyway and laughs and walks away. later that night around 11pm he asked me did i do it and i said no. he gets mad and walks away saying for me not to ask him for anything but the whole time i was laughing because i didnt think he was serious. this si the same guy that i asked to do me a favor at work and he lashed out at me about being lazy and that no he wouldnt do my work for me. i said fine, i understood and walked away with no problem. its been almost a week and i guess hes still mad. i was sad at first but the more i think about it the more pissed i get. he's been doing a lot of little things lately that pisses me off and i let it go. i still havent asked him whats wrong and i dont think i will. i'll just let him sulk.

I'm glad you have more clarity about this situation. Given your past interactions, I think your response is more than appropriate.

 

[chebaby]

so i failed. it kept eating at me so i finally asked him about it.

this is the conversation.
me: so are we not talking anymore
him: i have no idea what you are talking about
me: im talking about how you've been ignoring me lately
him: i have no idea what you are talking about
silence
him: i dont know. i guess people are just pissing me off
me: who?
him: just people
me: so people are pissing you off but you talk to every one else and ignore me
him: i'd rather not talk about it now there are a lot of people around
me: CLICK(hangs up the phone)

10 minutes later he calls me back

me: hello
him: so are we kool now
me: umm......no
him: well how about i just apologize and we squash it
me: no because now im pissed off. i was sad at first but im heated now.
him: why?
me: because you havent said anything to me for a whole week and you still havent said why
him: well you didnt say anything to me either. you should have come up to me and apologized
me: for what?
him: because i asked you to do me a favor and you didnt. i thought that was mean and lazy of you.
me: what? if that makes me lazy for not doing your job than what does that make you?
him: well i apologize. i thought you were a better person than that but i guess i was wrong. i thought you were different so i apologize for that.
me: CLICK(hangs up the phone again.

yall iam so hurt but atleast now i can leave it alone

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

so i failed. it kept eating at me so i finally asked him about it.

this is the conversation.
me: so are we not talking anymore
him: i have no idea what you are talking about
me: im talking about how you've been ignoring me lately
him: i have no idea what you are talking about
silence
him: i dont know. i guess people are just pissing me off
me: who?
him: just people
me: so people are pissing you off but you talk to every one else and ignore me
him: i'd rather not talk about it now there are a lot of people around
me: CLICK(hangs up the phone)

10 minutes later he calls me back

me: hello
him: so are we kool now
me: umm......no
him: well how about i just apologize and we squash it
me: no because now im pissed off. i was sad at first but im heated now.
him: why?
me: because you havent said anything to me for a whole week and you still havent said why
him: well you didnt say anything to me either. you should have come up to me and apologized
me: for what?
him: because i asked you to do me a favor and you didnt. i thought that was mean and lazy of you.
me: what? if that makes me lazy for not doing your job than what does that make you?
him: well i apologize. i thought you were a better person than that but i guess i was wrong. i thought you were different so i apologize for that.
me: CLICK(hangs up the phone again.

yall iam so hurt but atleast now i can leave it alone

Oh wow....

Ummm...either this guy is seriously MOODY, or there's something you're not telling us Chebaby! LOL*

I find it kind of odd that a guy at work would act so moody and resort to the silent treatment just because you refused to do HIS work. That's strange IMO.

But good for you for confronting him about it! YOur instinct was right this time. He WAS upset at you for something you did. I think it's pretty trivial though, so maybe it will blow over. IF you still want to remain friends with him, I would just apologize for offending him (even if you don't think what you did was wrong), and just agree that you both will each do your own work in the future. Because afterall, he DID apologize to you, even though he was the one who felt hurt first. But if you don't think it's worth it, then I'd just give him the silent treatment and leave him alone period.

What kind of work do you guys do btw?

 

[MD_Lady]

so i failed. it kept eating at me so i finally asked him about it.

this is the conversation.
me: so are we not talking anymore
him: i have no idea what you are talking about
me: im talking about how you've been ignoring me lately
him: i have no idea what you are talking about
silence
him: i dont know. i guess people are just pissing me off
me: who?
him: just people
me: so people are pissing you off but you talk to every one else and ignore me
him: i'd rather not talk about it now there are a lot of people around
me: CLICK(hangs up the phone)

10 minutes later he calls me back

me: hello
him: so are we kool now
me: umm......no
him: well how about i just apologize and we squash it
me: no because now im pissed off. i was sad at first but im heated now.
him: why?
me: because you havent said anything to me for a whole week and you still havent said why
him: well you didnt say anything to me either. you should have come up to me and apologized
me: for what?
him: because i asked you to do me a favor and you didnt. i thought that was mean and lazy of you.
me: what? if that makes me lazy for not doing your job than what does that make you?
him: well i apologize. i thought you were a better person than that but i guess i was wrong. i thought you were different so i apologize for that.
me: CLICK(hangs up the phone again.

yall iam so hurt but atleast now i can leave it alone

I SWEAR that not only was I friends with this guy, but that I've also had a VERY similar conversation! I COMPLETELY understand your feelings because I really, truly have been there. It took me 3 years to realize, though, that a person who behaved like this really wasn't worth my time. I spent quite a bit of time agonizing over e-mails and phone calls when, in retrospect, I really should have said my peace and distanced myself from him. I'm not going to tell you to end the friendship, just realize that his behavior is ALWAYS going to be an issue no matter considerate or thoughtful you may think you're being. Best of luck though!