The Power of "Coloring" in Marriage...Even in Loveless Marriages

[Lady Esquire]

Piggybacking off of another thread dealing with a loveless marriage, where couples live under one roof, yet they're not coloring, but remain together for the sake of the kids.

Assuming there's no other major deal-breakers, is it naive of me to think that coloring has POWER? I'd be willing to stay, as long as we can color. What's love got to do with it? We don't have to make love, we can just have some real animalistic coloring to keep me relaxed while I endure this really tense, unnatural situation. In fact, coloring might be better. No? Just saying.

 

[it_comes_naturally]

For me, just coloring won't get it. If I'm not feeling the guy, I don't really want him to touch me.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I get that. But if you've had kids, there are no major issues (i.e. abuse, disrespect, etc.) involved, and neither of you are going anywhere, might as well put love aside and enjoy the carnal nature of things. As long as the coloring is good, why cut that off? Even if you stay in different rooms, meet up a few times, do the do...then bounce. In fact, that should be the one thing to enjoy if the love is gone.

 

[Whimsy]

Coloring (and i feel like a real idiot saying that instead of s e x, as if s e x is a bad word...but whatever....) is powerful, very, but I wouldn't stay with someone just for the coloring. That's not healthy to me.

 

[fletches]

For many women sex is tied to the emotions. So if the emotions aren't there then sex goes out the door. Some women can do the carnal sex thing and others have to be in love to do it.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Not just for sex, I agree, Whimsy. I am referring to the couples who decide to stay in loveless marriages for the sake of the kids. Quite a few threads have shed light on how many marriages exist with couples going YEARS without it. Does loveless always have to equate to sexless?

 

[Britt]

I get that. But if you've had kids, there are no major issues (i.e. abuse, disrespect, etc.) involved, and neither of you are going anywhere, might as well put love aside and enjoy the carnal nature of things. As long as the coloring is good, why cut that off? Even if you stay in different rooms, meet up a few times, do the do...then bounce. In fact, that should be the one thing to enjoy if the love is gone.

That's the thing, those carnal urges of mine would yearn to be satiated, but not by the person who I am emotionally disconnected from. I cannot enjoy sex to the fullest if I have no desire to even be with the person on a romantic level. I wouldn't want to hug them, kiss them, four play, anything like that at all, b/c my heart would be turned off from him in that way. I'm not a man, I can't just disconnect my mind from my vagina and get it crackin and really enjoy it when I know I'm in a loveless marriage and wish my situation weren't what it is .

For many women sex is tied to the emotions. So if the emotions aren't there then sex goes out the door. Some women can do the carnal sex thing and others have to be in love to do it.

This.....

 

[Lady Esquire]

For many women sex is tied to the emotions. So if the emotions aren't there then sex goes out the door. Some women can do the carnal sex thing and others have to be in love to do it.

Quite honestly, I am the type that "needs love" to do it too. But I was thinking, it seems like a huge part to give up, if he's all up in my face day in and day out. Maybe I would relieve the tension, to get through... I don't kow.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I can't color with someone I don't love. I won't even want him to touch me.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I can't color with someone I don't love. I won't even want him to touch me.

I agree me neither. Reading these threads, people are going 5, 10, and more years without any. Okay, so we don't love each other. That's been established. But we're here indefinitely....I know I may sound like a plum fool...it crossed my mind.

 

[LoneStarGirl]

I don't think I could do it. You have to get to that point mentally and if you can't (well, myself anyway), it wouldn't be enjoyable for either of us.

 

[janiebaby]

I agree me neither. Reading these threads, people are going 5, 10, and more years without any. Okay, so we don't love each other. That's been established. But we're here indefinitely....I know I may sound like a plum fool...it crossed my mind.

I think I see what you mean. I know of people who were in loving relationships who stopped having sex when they reached a certain age (no one really thinks about that IRL)....so they're pushing over 20 years without sex and probably none in sight unless their partner dies (which actually happened in one case that I know of).....so why would you choose to stay AND let the most active years of your sex life go in a loveless relationship? I mean in theory you should be able to have an active sex life into old age but sadly this is not the reality for many many many people (I don't think that it is talked about).....

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I agree me neither. Reading these threads, people are going 5, 10, and more years without any. Okay, so we don't love each other. That's been established. But we're here indefinitely....I know I may sound like a plum fool...it crossed my mind.

I see. Well if cheating wasn't an option I just had to color then perhaps I'd consider coloring with my husband. The issue then is am I attracted to my DH?

 

[Lady Esquire]

I think I see what you mean. I know of people who were in loving relationships who stopped having sex when they reached a certain age (no one really thinks about that IRL)....so they're pushing over 20 years without sex and probably none in sight unless their partner dies (which actually happened in one case that I know of).....so why would you choose to stay AND let the most active years of your sex life go? I mean in theory you should be able to have an active sex life into old age but sadly this is not the reality for many many many people (I don't think that it is talked about).....

Yes, you're right. I'm not referring to the people who are delusional and sexing for the wrong reasons, hoping it'll turn into something that its not. But if you've both decided that we're stuck together, for a long while, and no one's allowed to go outside, why not enjoy sex without emotions? As long as we both have good chemistry in that department, does love have to be the reason we DON'T do it?

The older I get, I realize that I can go without it. But I love how I feel when I've had it. I like looking forward to it.

I see. Well if cheating wasn't an option I just had to color then perhaps I'd consider coloring with my husband. The issue then is am I attracted to my DH?

Maybe you're attracted and maybe not. But we respect each other as coparents and share everything else. Why deprive myself that for so long? Can't two adults agree to enjoy sex while married and then keep it moving as far as all of the other pleasantries of marriage?

To go YEARS on end, a toy or a hand can only pleasure you but for so long. No?

 

[MissYocairis]

I think I see what you mean. I know of people who were in loving relationships who stopped having sex when they reached a certain age (no one really thinks about that IRL)....so they're pushing over 20 years without sex and probably none in sight unless their partner dies (which actually happened in one case that I know of).....so why would you choose to stay AND let the most active years of your sex life go? I mean in theory you should be able to have an active sex life into old age but sadly this is not the reality for many many many people (I don't think that it is talked about).....

exactly. I think, if I made a conscious decision to stay for the children, I'm going to go ahead and get me some too. Oh well. He may not be my ideal but I am stuck, I've made a decision to BE stuck, so I am going to get mine.

Quoting Bernadine from Waiting to Exhale, "I'm not like you, Gloria. I need somebody to hold me."

But seriously, I also think that having some semblance of a sex life could make the way you VIEW your partner a little better over time.

If you can muster that carnal feeling, then maybe you can rekindle passion altogether.

 

[Lady Esquire]

exactly. I think, if I made a conscious decision to stay for the children, I'm going to go ahead and get me some too. Oh well. He may not be my ideal but I am stuck, I've made a decision to BE stuck, so I am going to get mine.

Quoting Bernadine from Waiting to Exhale, "I'm not like you, Gloria. I need somebody to hold me."

But seriously, I also think that having some semblance of a sex life could make the way you VIEW your partner a little better over time.

If you can muster that carnal feeling, then maybe you can rekindle passion altogether.

Yep. Have a glass or two of your favorite drink, and/or watch some XXX videos, or whatever. Its a relaxing, stress reliever. And it'll give you two something to look forward to. Maybe it could be a new hobby. All love aside.

 

[snillohsss]

Im sorry. No sex, no passion, no emotion is a dealbreaker for me. I will be in divorce court. My dh knows that if a few days go by and we haven't done the do there will be problems.

Sex is an entirely different ballgame when you are in love with the person. (I refuse to use the word color.) I didn't get married just to "bust one". I would get a vibrator before I would just lay with someone I wasn't in love with to just get some.

Im not a fan of staying just for the kids. I refuse to have my kids thinking marriage is boring, no love. I want them to have healthy relationships as adults. They learn this from the parents. I want them to see a healthy marriage. I want them to see laughing, hugs, kisses, flirtation, affection between their parents.

Staying for the kids, and to just get broke off at night, and then retreat to my own room? nah.

 

[ambergirl]

To me it would be the same as the type of sex you have with a soon to be ex boyfriend. Going through the motions, hitting all the right physical spots, but emotionally depressing in the end because it feels like mockery.

Personally I think if you continued to have sex in a loveless marriage it would hasten the move to divorce because it would just remind you of what you don't and could never have with that person.

 

[gabulldawg]

i feel you, op. i've always said, (God forbid) if for whatever reason my dh and i don't work out and we remain single i would hope that we could be buddies, musiq soulchild style. adults have needs!! and i'm sorry, but a toy can't handle my needs...

 

[shinyblackhair]

How does one even get to the point of having sex with their spouse whom they don't love? I mean if you're just together for the kids...then your relationship is going to be like roommates and very business-like. I can't even picture in my mind how one transitions into having sex in a relationship like this, and then what happens after? Business as usual? Thanks for the roll in the hay, now let's go back to despising each other?erplexed

 

[Ladybelle]

sex in marriage is different than any other kind of sex. One of the purposes of marital sex is to enforce the oneness, the bond of matrimony. If that bond has broken down over time it seems on one hand it would be very difficult to partake in it, but on the other hand it seems it would be needed to help rebuild the bond that has been broken. If a couple can reconnect sexually, it seems inevitable that they would be able to reconnect in all the other ways.

 

[Lenee925]

This scenario is more real than many of you care to think. Just saying.

 

[anon123]

I don't know. I've had some very good times with someone who I knew it was winding down with . . .

 

[Lady Esquire]

How does one even get to the point of having sex with their spouse whom they don't love? I mean if you're just together for the kids...then your relationship is going to be like roommates and very business-like. I can't even picture in my mind how one transitions into having sex in a relationship like this, and then what happens after? Business as usual? Thanks for the roll in the hay, now let's go back to despising each other?erplexed

All valid questions. I'm referring to the couples that even though there is no love, there's still mutual respect...loveless doesn't always equate to despising, does it? I dunno. If we're stuck in this house, for some couples there can be a weird "medium" in between the spectrum of loving and despising.

 

[DaughterOfZion1]

I thought you were asking OP if coloring CAN awaken a marriage again. Like through coloring can a marriage that has lost its love and passion be revived.

I would have liked to see the answers to that one. Or if anyone is interested in answering that would be cool.

 

[dlewis]

I thought you were asking OP if coloring CAN awaken a marriage again. Like through coloring can a marriage that has lost its love and passion be revived.

I would have liked to see the answers to that one. Or if anyone is interested in answering that would be cool.

This is what I thought she was asking also.

I think it can. I know at different times during my marriage I haven't been into Dh but we still kept things going and I was able to fall in love again. This is why I'm not lead by my feelings. Feelings come and go, if you have everything else there I believe a marriage can work. I don't know people who like to admit it BUT I seriously doubt everybody likes/is love with there spouse every minute of their marriage. I know I don't.

 

[cheetarah1980]

This is what I thought she was asking also.

I think it can. I know at different times during my marriage I haven't been into Dh but we still kept things going and I was able to fall in love again. This is why I'm not lead by my feelings. Feelings come and go, if you have everything else there I believe a marriage can work. I don't know people who like to admit it BUT I seriously doubt everybody likes/is love with there spouse every minute of their marriage. I know I don't.

Can I just say that I appreciate how real you are about marriage. I love your commitment to the commitment you made. You seem to be happily married even if your husband doesn't make you happy all the time. Seriously, that's what I aspire to.

 

[BostonMaria]

Interesting topic. I don't think sex should be held back to get what you want in a relationship. I can't imagine that sex should be the most important thing holding 2 people together either.




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[metro_qt]

I get that. But if you've had kids, there are no major issues (i.e. abuse, disrespect, etc.) involved, and neither of you are going anywhere, might as well put love aside and enjoy the carnal nature of things. As long as the coloring is good, why cut that off? Even if you stay in different rooms, meet up a few times, do the do...then bounce. In fact, that should be the one thing to enjoy if the love is gone.

I think, in theory, this Should work.. but a lot of women and men get trapped in further uncomfortable marriages, and divorces this way.

Ex. Swizz beats and Mashonda. I'll bet my bottom dollar they were still coloring while they were separated... which is why she was so surprised that while *still living together, and 'making things work'* he starts dating Alicia Keys...

What?!? he says.. they were separated!
What!!!! she says...they were still coloring..therefore making the marriage work.

 

[LBoogie85]

This is what I thought she was asking also.

I think it can. I know at different times during my marriage I haven't been into Dh but we still kept things going and I was able to fall in love again. This is why I'm not lead by my feelings. Feelings come and go, if you have everything else there I believe a marriage can work. I don't know people who like to admit it BUT I seriously doubt everybody likes/is love with there spouse every minute of their marriage. I know I don't.

OT: ^^^This is what I think of when I think of marriages that have lasted for decades and it is probably how I will approach marriage when I get to that point. Feelings can change like the wind. I never really understood how some ppl expect to stay in love with someone forever. Heck, I can hardly stand my own flesh and blood sometimes, including my mom, and she birthed me so I know I definitely would get sick of some other person all up and through my personal space