"The Lightness of Being"

[Glib Gurl]

I am reading Hill Harper's "The Conversation" and he talks about how some of his female friends, while jovial and carefree with their girlfriends, adopt a cold, reserved posture while on dates. One example he gave was a friend who generally drinks socially put on a show of refusing drinks while on a date - possibly because she didn't want to appear too loose or for fear of lowering her guard too much. Hill goes on to encourage women to have the same air about them with dates as they would with their friends. He refers to this as the "lightness of being."

What are your thoughts on this? I know that I am definitely guilty of "shutting down" around men .... how do you maintain the lightness of being?

 

[Raspberry]

I can see what he's saying. Part of that is nervousness and yea, a lot of woman are very self-aware early in the dating process which probably comes off as being stiff. We put too much pressure on ourselves sometimes - lots of build-up to getting a date, maintaining his interest, etc.

One thing that's helped me as I've gotten older is just realizing that you're good enough as you are - your personality, looks, etc. The right man will be into your essence, no need to spend time figuring out what face he needs you to put on. It's ok to be yourself... I'm awesome and so are you

 

[HoneyA]

I went out the other night with some friends. Honestly men were the last thing on my mind. I went out to have fun and listen to some good music. I was just "being" and carefree. I got so much attention it was unbelievable from the gorgeous to the average looking without even trying.

I think it works the same way with dates. I really think that author is right. Every guy we meet doesn't have to be auditioning for a spot so he is to be treated like any other friend/acquaintance. Right now when I go on a date with a guy, he's just someone I can have good conversation and fun with like I have with my girlfriends. That's it. That's how I maintain lightness of being. Sometimes we try too hard. I prefer just "being". So much less pressure.

 

[metro_qt]

I can see what he's saying. Part of that is nervousness and yea, a lot of woman are very self-aware early in the dating process which probably comes off as being stiff. We put too much pressure on ourselves sometimes - lots of build-up to getting a date, maintaining his interest, etc.

One thing that's helped me as I've gotten older is just realizing that you're good enough as you are - your personality, looks, etc. The right man will be into your essence, no need to spend time figuring out what face he needs you to put on. It's ok to be yourself... I'm awesome and so are you

This is exactly how I do it... He CHOSE to take me on that date right? I didn't coerce him.. so it's up to me to show him how fantabulous I am... and I am truly fantabulous.
lolol

If anything, it's a free meal, and really, i'm nice and happy when i get free food..*the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach too...and good conversation*

lol

 

[JustKiya]

Interesting!

I guess first I would ask - why do you shut down? What makes you want to shut down? Fear of appearing to 'into him'? Too 'needy'? Too 'loose'? Too 'real'?

Personally - I have to make an active effort to not be lightheartedly myself - but then, I also truly believe that I am the ****, and there are only two situations in which people cannot see that.

a) They are blind to me - which means I really shouldn't be wasting my time on them anyway, and even more so in a romantic setting. Usually, this happens when people judge my book by it's funky cover.

b) I'm hiding my own fabulousness and light. Usually, this happens because I'm afraid/I'm trying to pretend to not be fully 'me' - whether to fit into a certain environment (work for example), or to try to convince someone else that I'm 'worthy' (I gave up on that ****, though. I know I'm worthy, dammit!)

 

[HoneyA]

but then, I also truly believe that I am the ****,

There is a lot to be said for adopting this attitude. Somehow things don't bug you when you have this attitude.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Interesting!

I guess first I would ask - why do you shut down? What makes you want to shut down? Fear of appearing to 'into him'? Too 'needy'? Too 'loose'? Too 'real'?

Uhm, all of the above? Mostly it's fear and low self-esteem . . . not wanting to appear to "into" someone for fear they won't reciprocate.

That's awesome that you know you're the ish . . . I often have to remind myself of this and really walk in it consistently.

 

[lux10023]

i agree be yo self gurrllllllllllll....


its hard for me to cover up my personality so i just let it all out...lol

i think for some women reserved equals classy---when the two just dont always translate well during dates or situations where being social is required

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I am reading Hill Harper's "The Conversation" and he talks about how some of his female friends, while jovial and carefree with their girlfriends, adopt a cold, reserved posture while on dates. One example he gave was a friend who generally drinks socially put on a show of refusing drinks while on a date - possibly because she didn't want to appear too loose or for fear of lowering her guard too much. Hill goes on to encourage women to have the same air about them with dates as they would with their friends. He refers to this as the "lightness of being."

What are your thoughts on this? I know that I am definitely guilty of "shutting down" around men .... how do you maintain the lightness of being?

I personally disagree. Yup I am a social drinker. But I socially drink around PEOPLE I KNOW! The people I'm around while drinking are people who have known me for months or years even and they have good intentions.

Women tend to have cloudy judgement WITHOUT alcohol. We think too quickly with our hearts and body and hold back on using logic to really scope out and see if the guy is the one. I don't need anything such as alcohol clouding my judgement even more.

And then I don't want to put myself in the situation where I could be physically or emotionally mistreated. Whose not to say the drinks are reeeallly strong today or the dude knows the bartender and blah blah (ok I'm thinking to much)

BUT Bottom line, I don't drink around men unless I know them very well and it's late into the dating game. If I DO drink it's going to be something very very very light. (Half a daiquiri or something)

 

[MarcustheWu]

Seriously SimpleKomplexity. I would not even drink a little on a first date with a person I did not know. Did he just suggest having the same behavior with trusted friends and having a couple of drinks with them as the same behaviour that you would have with A DATE that you DO NOT KNOW?
Of course most people are going to be more reserved around people they really do not know verses THEIR FRIENDS, people they know and trust. This is a standard part of social interaction. Isn't this why people are encouraged to give potentials a couple of dates to get to know each other and loosen up?

 

[phynestone]

I'm working on this and it seems to have an effect on a male friend of mine. I think he likes me.

 

[lovely008]

I can see what he's saying. Part of that is nervousness and yea, a lot of woman are very self-aware early in the dating process which probably comes off as being stiff. We put too much pressure on ourselves sometimes - lots of build-up to getting a date, maintaining his interest, etc.

One thing that's helped me as I've gotten older is just realizing that you're good enough as you are - your personality, looks, etc. The right man will be into your essence, no need to spend time figuring out what face he needs you to put on. It's ok to be yourself... I'm awesome and so are you

Lovely post <3

 

[ambergirl]

While I agree you should just be yourself on dates, I think some men talk out of both sides of their mouths on this one. On the one hand they say they want a woman who's relaxed, jovial, open, etc. while on the other hand a lot of men are more intrigued by the aloof, quiet, reserved woman.

Frankly, I think most men aren't honest with themselves about what they are REALLY attracted to and why.