Take a minute to THINK before replying!!!!

[nuance7]

Hello Ladies...

I'm going to ask a questions and would like you to REALLY take a moment to think before replying. I ask this because I'm seeing a trend in the responses to relationship questions and am curious to whats really going on.

Are we to QUICK to cut him off...move on...kick him to the curb...early on in the relationship????

I ask that you think before answering because often times we respond out of our past hurtful experiences, information from books such as He's just not that into you....or think like a man act like a lady....as if the authors are the SOLE authority to relationships.

I do feel like very useful information can come from suh sources, however, do we take it to extremes?

If you meet someone and are getting to know them...why would you expect daily multiple calls frm day one...why would you expect him to introduce you as his girlfriend in week 4? And if he doesn't why would you kick him to the curb? Why couldn't he see you and someone else in the early stages of dating while BOTH of you decide if you want to move the dating phase to something more?

Why do we expect committed and we've just me the person? Any testimonies from ladies who WOULD NOT be in an exclusive relationship NOW if you would have listened to all the KICK HIM TO THE CURBERS?

Think FIRST, then reply....Let's talk.....

 

[Bunny77]

Well, I think that all of the "move on" responses on this board are usually justified for the situations being posted.

In many of them, the man wants sex early in the process or refuses to court the woman properly (no dates, only going to his house to chill). THOSE are definitely situations in which she needs she needs to move on immediately if she is looking for a relationship.

I don't see anyone telling women to move on from a guy who is doing the things you stated above.

 

[nuance7]

Hi Bunny...thanks for responding! I agree that the respones are related to the THOSE situations that are posted but I also feel the issues I posted lie below the surface. For example, in the post "why hasn't he called me"...they went on a semi date.....now he is not calling. My thinking is that, if we take time to determine what WE want up front and not allow what is NOT that UP FRONT...then all the kicking to the curb etc...will be unnecessary. If he presents what you want...cool...if he doesn't...cool! But my interpretation of SOME of the responses is that the man is wrong...a player...etc...if he interest level is not where ours is. Could it not grow to meet ours in time...without us scarificing who we are?

If he wants to color and you don't...don't. If he keeps coming around cool...but must we kick him to the curb cause he wants to color?

 

[BlackMarilyn]

Hello Ladies...

I'm going to ask a questions and would like you to REALLY take a moment to think before replying. I ask this because I'm seeing a trend in the responses to relationship questions and am curious to whats really going on.

Are we to QUICK to cut him off...move on...kick him to the curb...early on in the relationship????

I ask that you think before answering because often times we respond out of our past hurtful experiences, information from books such as He's just not that into you....or think like a man act like a lady....as if the authors are the SOLE authority to relationships.

I do feel like very useful information can come from suh sources, however, do we take it to extremes?

i have noticed this trend alot as well but never mentioned it. i'm glad you brought it up though. i honestly find that alot of responses here to almost every scenario have been "you need to forget him and KIM"...despite other important factors not being taken into place.

 

[Bunny77]

Hi Bunny...thanks for responding! I agree that the respones are related to the THOSE situations that are posted but I also feel the issues I posted lie below the surface. For example, in the post "why hasn't he called me"...they went on a semi date.....now he is not calling. My thinking is that, if we take time to determine what WE want up front and not allow what is NOT that UP FRONT...then all the kicking to the curb etc...will be unnecessary. If he presents what you want...cool...if he doesn't...cool! But my interpretation of SOME of the responses is that the man is wrong...a player...etc...if he interest level is not where ours is. Could it not grow to meet ours in time...without us scarificing who we are?

If he wants to color and you don't...don't. If he keeps coming around cool...but must we kick him to the curb cause he wants to color?

Okay, I see what you're saying!

In that post, in my opinion, she did need to move on because obviously she didn't want to color and he did. However, we did mention that she shouldn't have done the "semi-date" at his house and then wondered why he wasn't calling... their priorities were different.

Personally, I don't believe in waiting to see if a man's interests will grow to meet mine... if we just remain friends (and not with benefits) and I continue to date other people but we happen to end up together later on down the road, that's fine.

But if I know I want a relationship, and the other person doesn't, it does me no good to wait and see. In the time I spend waiting, I could have been found another dude who does want the same things!

 

[nuance7]

Now we talking!!!!!!! You hit the nail on the head....if we want a relationship and he doesn't why shouldn't we see other people AND him too if we like spending time with him. He egts no relationship benefits like coloring though!!!!! But I don't see a reason to STOP seeing him if we like him.

Usually, in the post, the poster has done too much too soon...whether it be coloring...calling/texting all the time...early in the relationship and we make him the bad guy cause he isnt there YET! Now he may never get there...but how would we know.

We say to the woman...move on...kick him to the curb...INSTEAD of ...next time...hold back a little bit until you see where he is...or don't accept what you don't want from the very begging. If you don't like texts...REALLY don't like them...DON'T reply to them EVER!

I am all woman...and in the beginning...I don't like contact every day. For some women, this is a cardinal rule! People are just different! It takes me some time to warm up. Why would it be any different for a man?

Thoughts???

 

[Ms_Delikate]

^^^^^I see what you are saying...I look at it like this. I don't mind reading the "rules" and all the other books out there that give relationship advice and even my fellow LHCF sisters who give great advice..

At the end of the day however, I decide what I want and how I am going to get it...For me that means I NEVER go to ANYONE'S house on a first date or have them over to mine...

Even if that works for some people and may work for me I just don't do it. Other things that may be dealbreakers for some may be my thing!

As long as everyone is aware of what they want and have a strategy of getting what THEY want then its all good...If that strategy is not working then you need to regroup and find out why, whether this means coming here for advice or doing something else.

I read the post that you were referring to and I was agreeing with the posters that were saying "move on, don't call him etc"...then I read another poster that spoke about his phone fell in the water and people were saying "move on etc...and I was like..."Fo real???" I would just take his word for it until his actions showed me otherwise but that is just me...

I guess I said all this to say that a lot of time when we give advice we go of of our personal experience so what may be a "move on episode to one person may not be such a big deal to another person and we need to keep this in mind when giving and receiving advice!

 

[harrison]

Not everyone is going to give a response that is mature, rational, etc.

Some speak from their own personal experience which is fine, but it doesn't always give you a full view of how these situations go. Many people carry so much baggage that their perception of certain things will be distorted.

I went through cycles of dealing with shady men. But when DH came around... there was no shade! I had lots of issues. I was waiting for him to kick me to the curb because of my BS. But because we were meant to be together. It all smoothed out.

One other thing is this... keep catty, immature, baggage carrying, unstable, irrational, etc... people out of your relationship. YOU and that person work it out on your own. People will have your vision distorted quick! If you feel a certain way, then work from there. Ask questions, set boundaries and stick to it unless you have had open communication with the other person and decided to adjust.

***If you are dealing with a person that does not/will not/ cannot - openly communicate. That is a red flag****

 

[nuance7]

Delikate and Harrison...great feedback! Harrison....you may have just summed it all up when you said..."people will have your vision distorted quick"!

I remember the old..."phone in the water" espisode! LOL! was like "for real" too...cause I would have taken what he said at face value. I want to be the type of mature woman who trusts someone until I have a bona fide reason not to. Not a imagined reason beacuse my perception is distorted. Now is there a chance I might get hurt living this way! Heck yeah! But is it worth it! Heck yeah! What kind of life will you have if you're not open and put yourself out there?

I guess the bottom line is this....if we're open and honest about what we want WITH OURSELVES....and act accordingly when we meet someone of interest...then we can be open to receive what they bring that fits into what we desire...and reject WITH OUT hostility...what is not going to work for us! All the while...not placing any blame on HIM for being who he is or where he is at the moment.

Speak....

 

[chocolat79]

As other posters have mentioned, alot of women are speaking from personal/past experiences and those usually play a role in how they answer a question at that particular time. I have noticed a lot of women suggesting to K.I.M. or kick him to the curb too, but I think we hear so many books telling us not to waste our time on guys, then sometimes we take it to heart, when a guy could be cut some slack. But, if the guy is not on the same page as us at the same time or they're not treating us how we want to be treated, then sometimes, the K.I.M. principle is appropriate.


The good thing about the forum, fortunately, is there plenty of advice that's willing to be given and for any negative, there's usually a positive or at least a different perspective from which to look at something.

The post about the OP who's new guy friend dropped the phone in the water, yes, I think the K.I.M. principle was a little premature, but there were also good points made as well.

So many different perspectives weigh in when asking a relationship question.

 

[envybeauty]

The problem is not that women are too quick to cut a brotha off. The problem is that we tend to linger with brothas and waste our time. There is no shortage of Black women in long term relationships with men not suited for them. That said most folks are encouraging women to break that habit, clarify what/who they want early on, and KIM if they don't get it. Most women don't do well with "dater turned friend" relationships bc women tend to be very emotional and fall into infatuation stages with men we like. So to encourage that goes against our human nature.

 

[nuance7]

That's just the problem EnvyBeauty....getting what we want early on. Now I'm not talking about respect and common courtesy. I'm talking about a long tem relationshsip (if thats what one wants). How do you know you want one with HIM if its only been a few weeks and you're getting to know one another. Now if he says he's not interested in a LTR right now and that's what you want than YES...you shouldn't continue you to date him. But if he's not saying that and is just not calling you often or taking you out every night or calling you the day before for a date...I don't see the need to kick him to the curb.

I'm not talking about disrespected. And you're sooo right...that knowingf what you want and don't want is KEY to getting what you want. Its not an ANNOUNCEMENT you have to make to him...its the foundation by which you relate to him.

 

[Bunny77]

I didn't read the phone in the water thread. Oh wait, I think I read the first post... I thought it was fine that the guy called her and explained what happened. Guess I should read the thread to see what others said.

As for the rest of this topic... again, for ME, most times that I give the "move on" response is when women say, "I've been kickin' it with this dude for six months and he was great at first but now he rarely calls and says he isn't ready for a relationship but he's always nice to me and I want this to work so what do I do?"

A guy who you are just dating (not sleeping with) who isn't calling daily, but is continually showing interest would be someone worth keeping around for a bit WHILE both of you date other people. Most of the situations I read on this board involve a woman already sleeping with a guy before there's any declaration of exclusivity/relationship/whatever, and the woman is acting like she's in a relationship but the man is not. That's another time to say, "move on."

I think Envybeauty hit the nail on the head. Most (not all) of these threads involve a woman who has stayed waaaaay too long in a dead-end situation that they shouldn't have gotten into in the first place. And if we see someone about to get into a dead-end situation (like the semi-date girl), we try to advise them to move on NOW and not waste their energy.

Otherwise, they'll be back in six months with the same story that should have ended 5 months and 3 weeks ago.

 

[Highly Favored8]

It is not about being so quick to cut off a man. Why waste time and energy on someone who does not want you. Men and women are two different we know this already. If a man is playing games and a woman is picking up on it quick fast and in a hurry then why not move on.

Then again we learn from past experiences which sometimes good or bad can shape a persons future on relationships. JMHO though.

 

[chocolat79]

I think that in a few weeks, most people can tell if they want a relationship with the person or not, you don't really need months to figure someone out. You need months to determine whether it's actually going to work or not.

If you're actually paying attention to a man's actions AND words, then it really doesn't take that long to know if you want to be with him. I think a lot of women, just stay because they 1) want a man, 2) don't have anything better to do. But if he says or does something that is not something you can live with within a few weeks, there's no reason to continue. As a matter of fact, if at ANY time, he does/says something that raises a red flag, then I think you should K.I.M.

What's minor to some, may be major to others.

 

[Ganjababy]

I have wondered if all the posters that are giving the advise to kick the man to the curb too quickly would actually do the same in real life?

 

[nuance7]

Loving ALL the responses! One issue is that for ME the option to dates others is not alays an option at all! LOL! Its hard enough to find one black man (my preference) to whom I'm attracted and inetrested in let alone a couple to date at one time. So there might be tendancy to place all the eggs in one basket so to speak.

But with that being said...I agree that if you've been dating for 6 months and wnt an exclusive relationship and he doesn't than its time to move on. But honestly, usually when I see those threads its when the woman has been coloring, cooking, cleaning, etc without having the exclusivity talk and now they MAD at him.

I guess I would like to see more focus on what WE can do IN THE BEGINNING to get what we want in the END...so the cycle is not repeated.

 

[nuance7]

Evsbaby...I've wondered that too!

 

[Bunny77]

I have wondered if all the posters that are giving the advise to kick the man to the curb too quickly would actually do the same in real life?

I do!!!

I hate those "do as I say, not as I do" folks!

 

[Farida]

I never think there are necessary standards in a relationship. No book will tell you what a perfect relationship looks like, and they are lying if they say that. A lot of this "advice" is usually arbitrary. It is really not based on anything other than someone's musings.

I usually tell people to be patient, unless I see a red flag. Red flags to me as well as no-compromise issues are an instant RUN! to me. If a woman says she is being abused or controlled, I don't say "wait it out." If he is an addict, I don't say "wait it out."

If women say, "oh, he forgot my birthday." I say wait it out.
If they fought, and I think it is something "normal" I say wait it out.

I also apply higher standards to marriages, because that's not a walk-out willy-nilly commitment. I remember recently someone on the board was complaining that her in-laws don't call her kids on their birthdays and people were telling her to leave her husband! I was like, seriously? If her relationship is otherwise wonderful, why should she put her kids through all that because of a birthday call? So they won't have daddy and mommy 1/2 the time, AND no birthday call. Geez.

Most of the time I take the slow approach because DH and I had a great first few months of dating, but then the next few months after that were TERRIBLE. We fought a lot, almost broke up, cried, you name it. But it was all because we were getting know each other and how to work with each other. There was no abuse, drugs or infidelity. FFWD 4 years later it's great. We worked out the major kinks, but they were workable.

I do think people in our generation give up way too fast, and I do think the media has influenced as negatively. Almost all movies and shows I see encourage people to leave rather than try and work things out. I get so happy when a show encourages working things out.

 

[iCandyc]

I haven't read all the responses but personally I would NEVER discuss or ask for relationship advice on this board b/c 9 out of 10 times the responses are so disgusting! Most of these women sound sooo scorned, like they don't like men or something! I have friends like this and I treat them the same way! If you always expect the worse that's exactly what you will get! It's so annoying!

ETA: like i get really annoyed when a woman says a man text her and ppl respond like TEXT?? He Txt you? Oh no cut him off! WHaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Everyone doesn't want to sit on the phone all day! it's 2009 so things have changed. I for one HATE talking on the phone and I can get my point/feelings across better via text than on the phone. Yhere are many times ppl call me, i hit ignore and text them and say whats up? I see nothing wrong with this, texting is easier for some. My S.O. and i speak on the phone once in a while but we text alllllllllll day! From the moment I wake up, till the moment I go to sleep!

 

[jwhitley6]

Delikate and Harrison...great feedback! Harrison....you may have just summed it all up when you said..."people will have your vision distorted quick"!

I remember the old..."phone in the water" espisode! LOL! was like "for real" too...cause I would have taken what he said at face value. I want to be the type of mature woman who trusts someone until I have a bona fide reason not to. Not a imagined reason beacuse my perception is distorted. Now is there a chance I might get hurt living this way! Heck yeah! But is it worth it! Heck yeah! What kind of life will you have if you're not open and put yourself out there?

I guess the bottom line is this....if we're open and honest about what we want WITH OURSELVES....and act accordingly when we meet someone of interest...then we can be open to receive what they bring that fits into what we desire...and reject WITH OUT hostility...what is not going to work for us! All the while...not placing any blame on HIM for being who he is or where he is at the moment.

Speak....

That's it right there!

 

[Highly Favored8]

I have wondered if all the posters that are giving the advise to kick the man to the curb too quickly would actually do the same in real life?

The answer to your question me personally yes. I done it before.

 

[Ramya]

As far as the texting thing goes, many people now-a-days do the texting thing. I don't. I expect a phone call so that I can consider things like tone and so that my questions can be answered fully and I can ask follow up questions depending on the tone ect.

But the point is there are some conversations that should never be had via text message. Most people that post here are grown. Use your discretion when getting involved with serial text messagers. If a man has never called you but texts you important stuff, yes that's a problem.

If you don't want to talk on the phone, why not meet up with him somewhere? Text messaging is communication but it's broken communication. Broken communication should not be the primary source in a relationship and especially in establishing a relationship.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

No matter whay anyone says..always go with gut...

I feel when people post threads..they are looking for other people's opinions...

When you ask for someone's opinion...that's what they are going to give you...

Whether they agree or disagree..naive...or scorned..it's their opinion..

So there are no right or wrong answers...

What the thread starter must do..if they are seeking advice..is take all opinions into account... and decide what's best for them.

Not saying...majority rules...but take in all advice..make an informed decision..go in with eyes wide open...and be ready to deal with whatever comes with the decision you've made...