SPINOFF: The ART of getting AND KEEPING a man WHILE DATING

D

DiamondDivyne

...
This is just a spin off of the thread re: The ART of helping run a household (or something like that)

Anyway, someone mentioned the art of getting and keeping a man WHILE DATING (which I hope will lead up to a proposal and marriage), can someone please shed some light on that?

Oh...Please and thank you! :yep:
 
:scratchch

I'm going to have to think about this, because to be honest, I never worked on getting or keeping a man while I was dating. :look: If he didn't want me enough to keep me based on me - *shrug* - I'd drop him and find another one. :lol:

Hopefully other ladies will respond, and it might stir my memory.
 
I'm not married yet but I've found that for the guys that were really into me..it didn't matter what I did, they wouldn't go away until I got rid of them. Soooo..I agree with JK. The only time I was making changes and doing extras..I was trying to get with a man that wasn't into me.

The main thing that comes to my mind now is to not come off as desperate and clingy.
 
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*sighs*

Am I gonna have to start sending people the "b" book. :lachen:

Seriously though, important thing is to make sure he doesnt think he has you on LOCK which means he should NOT believe that no matter what he does/say you'll always be there.
 
IMO, the most important thing is something you can only partially control... Getting and keeping a man is MUCH easier if he wants to be gotten and kept! If you know you'd like to get married, only pursue relationships with men who have the same goals. Relationships are much more enjoyable and rewarding when both people are on the same page.

Getting to know him (as an individual) is VERY important. Sure there are similarities among men, but there are differences as well. Getting advice from others about men and relationships can be give you a lot of insight into your situation (and even yourself), just don't forget that no one knows your SO better than he knows himself. People tell (and show) you a lot about themselves and observation is an extremely useful tool in relationships. :yep:

Best of luck Diamond Divyne!!! :grin:
 
The only thing I really did AFTER a guy fell head over heels for me was to be oh so sweet and appreciative of certain things he'd do for me.

He's really handy and fixes stuff at my house, for example. I'll go, "Ooh, I'm so glad I have my own personal handyman now!" (nod nod, wink wink).

When he's visiting, he'll bring in food when I'm working late and I'll say, "It's soooo nice to know I have dinner to come home to!"

Just little stuff to make him feel appreciated... but I don't go overboard or try to "prove" how good of a wife I can be by cooking 24-7, cleaning, doing things on command, etc.
 
Thinking about this a little more, I realized that while we were dating, I kind of expected the man to put in a majority of the work/effort in the relationship.

I was always grateful and appreciative, as Bunny mentioned, but I wasn't worried about his ego being safe, I wasn't worried about him pitching in around the house, I wasn't worried about proving that I could be a good wife by cooking for him and cleaning for him and swinging from the chandelier and all that other stuff. :lol: I kept my house clean. I cooked dinner for us - occasionally. We had good sex. Those things demonstrated to him that I had the potential to be able to do all of these things as a wife. :lachen: Though, he still talks bad about the first meal I made for him. :rolleyes: :lachen:

I was a heck of a lot more 'difficult/stubborn/selfish' as a girlfriend/fiancee than I was as a wife. His opinion mattered maybe 10%. I didn't run anything dealing with my personal life (what kind of cars to buy, what apartment to rent, where to go on vacation, etc) by him. He didn't have enough 'weight' in my life.
:lol: Really, I think that for DH, he saw the worst aspects of me early in our relationship. :lachen: And yet, he was still crazy enough to marry me.

As I mentioned in the husband thread, it's the difference between the effort you put into a temp summer job at the amusement park, and the corporate job that you are trying to maintain for 20 years. I'll do right, but I'm not going to go above and beyond to 'prove' that I'm the right woman.

Honestly, I don't think that women can make a man to realize that she is the one he should marry. That's a realization that he has to come to own his own.
 
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TayMac said:
I'm not married yet but I've found that for the guys that were really into me..it didn't matter what I did, they wouldn't go away until I got rid of them. Soooo..I agree with JK. The only time I was making changes and doing extras..I was trying to get with a man that wasn't into me.

The main thing that comes to my mind now is to not come off as desperate and clingy.
Click to expand...

This is so true. A man thats into you...is just that. There's nothing you have to do, you just be who you are and he'll be in love with that. Thats the getting part. The keeping part is nothing but alot of love and appreciation. Just because he's into you doesnt give you a license to treat him like a doormat or play games. You'll find yourself by yourself real fast.

Most important is stay true to who you are in any relationship. He may not like everything but he'll appreciate you not changing into a different person for him. But he'll also appreciate you compromising and showing him that you want him too.
 
Here's my two cents. When I dated (I'm kinda old-fashioned and some folks might disagree)

In addition to Justkiya's thread which I agree with 100%

1- let him do his job, let the man be the man: when I say this, I mean let him do the chasing. If you find yourself always having to call him, always having to arrange the dates, opening your own doors, getting yourself out of situations you've told him about - you might want to re-evaluate yourself and the relationship. This really shouldn't change from beginning to marriage.

2- don't come off as being too desperate or needy, meaning you sit aroudn the house waiting on his calls & stuff. The first thing out of your mouth when you start dating a guy should not be "I'm ready to get married &have babies." I think someone else said it, always keep it clear that he can be dismissed. Don't always be readily available, especially in the beginning. Even if you don't have plans, say you do sometimes. Don't answer the phone on the first ring...

3- set standards for how you want & expect to be treated & KEEP THEM.

4- have a life. other interests, goals, and stuff.

5- don't jump through hoops for him. Being a doormat is not cute neither is going all out for him. Save that for marriage except for very, very special occassions to give him a taste of what it would be like to have you permanently. I think I just bought my husband a very expensive gift this year, after three years of marriage! Before that, I got him things but I wasn't saving up money to get him things.

6- if you must fornicate, do it at your discretion. Make him wait & make him earn it. Don't just all willy nilly give it to him whenever he wants it & if you can't save sex for marriage, at least save some things for marriage:blush: You choose whatever *things* at your discrection.

7- don't be the wife or the mother. You can do this if you want, but you are prolonging marriage if it does happen. I mean washing his clothes, cooking all his meals, the saying is true: why buy the cow if you get the milk for free? Spoiling a man too much before marriage will leave you unmarried.

8- don't waste time dating folks that ain't marriage material, too many times we waste our time with non-marriage material and fall in love with non-marriage material and then marry non-marriage material or we end up heart-broken, either way- MISTAKE!

That's all I can think of right now. I'll add more if they come to me.
 
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lol this is the title of one of my blogs

the title is how to get and keep a man

the first thing to do is throw that line of thinking out

there is no need to try to get or keep anybody

men will stay where they like being with who they like being with and they don't necessarily need to feel "needed" as if they need to feel as if they matter to you...like bunny says...appreciate everything he does for you and let him know you appreciate him in your life...appreciation is a lost art in the present day notions people have that men are supposed to do, supposed to act, supposed to feel a certain way when they really don't have to and if they aren't scared and running or running game on you and they choose to feel, do and act on love for you appreciate that from him...it is a blessing
 
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JustKiya said:
Thinking about this a little more, I realized that while we were dating, I kind of expected the man to put in a majority of the work/effort in the relationship.

I was always grateful and appreciative, as Bunny mentioned, but I wasn't worried about his ego being safe, I wasn't worried about him pitching in around the house, I wasn't worried about proving that I could be a good wife by cooking for him and cleaning for him and swinging from the chandelier and all that other stuff. :lol: I kept my house clean. I cooked dinner for us - occasionally. We had good sex. Those things demonstrated to him that I had the potential to be able to do all of these things as a wife. :lachen: Though, he still talks bad about the first meal I made for him. :rolleyes: :lachen:

I was a heck of a lot more 'difficult/stubborn/selfish' as a girlfriend/fiancee than I was as a wife. His opinion mattered maybe 10%. I didn't run anything dealing with my personal life (what kind of cars to buy, what apartment to rent, where to go on vacation, etc) by him. He didn't have enough 'weight' in my life.
:lol: Really, I think that for DH, he saw the worst aspects of me early in our relationship. :lachen: And yet, he was still crazy enough to marry me.

As I mentioned in the husband thread, it's the difference between the effort you put into a temp summer job at the amusement park, and the corporate job that you are trying to maintain for 20 years. I'll do right, but I'm not going to go above and beyond to 'prove' that I'm the right woman.

Honestly, I don't think that women can make a man to realize that she is the one he should marry. That's a realization that he has to come to own his own.
Click to expand...

Okay, this is how I am now. I thought I was abnormal and honestly started to doubt myself. My friends treat me like I'm crazy...but I look at the things they go through and the things the tolerate/accept from their man (NOT husbands....just boyfriends!) and feel like I can't be wrong. Then at the same time, I feel like if I'm not wrong, why am I single. I'm starting to just lean toward me not meeting the right person yet. And I am partially to blame for that as well (same daily routine, not getting out enough, when I do go out it's with male friends, etc.)

Thanks ladies!
 
Based on reading all of your responses, I can definitely see that I can work on appreciating the things that a man does. Even if they are the things I expect him to do as a man. I'll def work on that. I think I'm good in all other areas. I would rather have a man that is with me cause he's totally into me, than a guy that is with me because I let him treat me any kind of way yet treat him like a King!
 
OH, I thought of one last one:

try not to rely on advice from unmarried folks. It's like asking a police officer how to be a doctor... :look:
 
asuperwoman said:
OH, I thought of one last one:

try not to rely on advice from unmarried folks. It's like asking a police officer how to be a doctor... :look:
Click to expand...

Well, with a caveat. I think asking people who are in stable, loving relationships or who have had stable, loving relationships is fine--married or not. Er'body who is married doesn't have the type of marriage you want.
 
Cyd Chicago said:
Well, with a caveat. I think asking people who are in stable, loving relationships or who have had stable, loving relationships is fine--married or not. Er'body who is married doesn't have the type of marriage you want.
Click to expand...


If you've never been married & want to get married, I just don't see how it would be productive to seek advice from those who have not been married on how to date in order to eventually get married. I personally know people who have been in loooooooooooong relationships, but no ring. And, I think the OP's question lended itself to a relationship leading to marriage.

The ability to get married vs the ability to stay married is two totally different things.

just, IMHO anyway.
 
asuperwoman said:
If you've never been married & want to get married, I just don't see how it would be productive to seek advice from those who have not been married on how to date in order to eventually get married. I personally know people who have been in loooooooooooong relationships, but no ring. And, I think the OP's question lended itself to a relationship leading to marriage.

The ability to get married vs the ability to stay married is two totally different things.

just, IMHO anyway.
Click to expand...

Yes, the question was definitely regarding relationships leading toward marriage. However, I do understand both points of view and do find them relevant.

Thanks again to all who have responded!
 
tiara76 said:
lol this is the title of one of my blogs

the title is how to get and keep a man

the first thing to do is throw that line of thinking out

there is no need to try to get or keep anybody

men will stay where they like being with who they like being with and they don't necessarily need to feel "needed" as if they need to feel as if they matter to you...like bunny says...appreciate everything he does for you and let him know you appreciate him in your life...appreciation is a lost art in the present day notions people have that men are supposed to do, supposed to act, supposed to feel a certain way when they really don't have to and if they aren't scared and running or running game on you and they choose to feel, do and act on love for you appreciate that from him...it is a blessing
Click to expand...

:lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen:
 
asuperwoman said:
If you've never been married & want to get married, I just don't see how it would be productive to seek advice from those who have not been married on how to date in order to eventually get married. I personally know people who have been in loooooooooooong relationships, but no ring. And, I think the OP's question lended itself to a relationship leading to marriage.

The ability to get married vs the ability to stay married is two totally different things.

just, IMHO anyway.
Click to expand...

I'd hope step one to a stable, loving marriage is a stable, loving relationship. :yep:

Every person's timeline for marriage is different, but from my viewpoint, usually in a stable, loving relationship, marriage is the natural progression--for some couples it's quicker, for some it's longer. Most of the time both parties know why the timeline is longer, granted the relationship is stable and loving.

IMO, if you're able to establish a stable, loving relationship, I think you have the upper hand on establishing a stable, loving marriage--unless the ultimate goal is just to get married, then, I'd say it's safe to take advice from anyone who's married.
 
Cyd Chicago said:
I'd hope step one to a stable, loving marriage is a stable, loving relationship. :yep:

Every person's timeline for marriage is different, but from my viewpoint, usually in a stable, loving relationship, marriage is the natural progression--for some couples it's quicker, for some it's longer. Most of the time both parties know why the timeline is longer, granted the relationship is stable and loving.

IMO, if you're able to establish a stable, loving relationship, I think you have the upper hand on establishing a stable, loving marriage--unless the ultimate goal is just to get married, then, I'd say it's safe to take advice from anyone who's married.
Click to expand...

maybe you're right. As OP said- all points of view are welcomed. So, does anyone else have any info?


I'm interested in what Tiara said, just curious to know if the married ladies or those who have been in long term relationships agree?

I personally think you have to position yourself for marriage just like anything else in life.
 
tiara76 said:
lol this is the title of one of my blogs

the title is how to get and keep a man

the first thing to do is throw that line of thinking out

there is no need to try to get or keep anybody

men will stay where they like being with who they like being with and they don't necessarily need to feel "needed" as if they need to feel as if they matter to you...like bunny says...appreciate everything he does for you and let him know you appreciate him in your life...appreciation is a lost art in the present day notions people have that men are supposed to do, supposed to act, supposed to feel a certain way when they really don't have to and if they aren't scared and running or running game on you and they choose to feel, do and act on love for you appreciate that from him...it is a blessing
Click to expand...

I agree with this post, although I'm certainly no authority on these subjects :lol:

I somehow feel that he should be thinking about how to get and keep me.

Tiara, I like how you switch things around and gets us thinking in new ways! :)
 
asuperwoman said:
maybe you're right. As OP said- all points of view are welcomed. So, does anyone else have any info?


I'm interested in what Tiara said, just curious to know if the married ladies or those who have been in long term relationships agree?

I personally think you have to position yourself for marriage just like anything else in life.
Click to expand...

I was kinda like on the mean side when I was dating. Didn't take no mess. I wonder NOW why anyone wanted to date me.:perplexed I think it was my confidence. I always had the attitude "who wouldn't want me. Any man should me happy to to have me on their arm". I was also sweet and could be very loving. But Ive always always dated men who wanted to marry me and I've only been mistreated by one guy (when I was 17 he pushed me and I dumped him).
 
dlewis said:
I was kinda like on the mean side when I was dating. Didn't take no mess. I wonder NOW why anyone wanted to date me.:perplexed I think it was my confidence. I always had the attitude "who wouldn't want me. Any man should me happy to to have me on their arm". I was also sweet and could be very loving. But Ive always always dated men who wanted to marry me and I've only been mistreated by one guy (when I was 17 he pushed me and I dumped him).
Click to expand...

yeah, i was kinda like that too. I think justkiya summed it up really well.
 
asuperwoman said:
maybe you're right. As OP said- all points of view are welcomed. So, does anyone else have any info?


I'm interested in what Tiara said, just curious to know if the married ladies or those who have been in long term relationships agree?

I personally think you have to position yourself for marriage just like anything else in life.
Click to expand...

What do you mean by 'position'? In my mind, the main positioning that I did for marriage was - once I was ready to get married, I didn't date men who weren't interested in marriage. Full stop.

Even if I decided I wasn't interested in marrying them - that was one of my 'requirements'. My longest relationship before DH was 9 months, because my thought was - if I'm not ready for marriage, then I'm ready to move on and have fun with someone else. :lachen: While I was 'free', there were far too many gorgeously plumed birds out there for me to be willing to cage myself in with one for the long term. ;) ;)

tiara76 said:
lol this is the title of one of my blogs

the title is how to get and keep a man

the first thing to do is throw that line of thinking out

there is no need to try to get or keep anybody
men will stay where they like being with who they like being with and they don't necessarily need to feel "needed" as if they need to feel as if they matter to you...like bunny says...appreciate everything he does for you and let him know you appreciate him in your life...appreciation is a lost art in the present day notions people have that men are supposed to do, supposed to act, supposed to feel a certain way when they really don't have to and if they aren't scared and running or running game on you and they choose to feel, do and act on love for you appreciate that from him...it is a blessing
Click to expand...


I strongly agree with the bolded.
When I was dating, I felt like he should WANT to be with me, and if he didn't, he knew where the door was. I wasn't trying to be someone 'different' to get him to stay with me, because that only works in the short-term - in the long term, you can't maintain that facade. And if he falls for a facade, you have shortchanged both yourself AND him. And if it's only going to be short term - why waste the time faking it?
 
JustKiya said:
What do you mean by 'position'? In my mind, the main positioning that I did for marriage was - once I was ready to get married, I didn't date men who weren't interested in marriage. Full stop.

Even if I decided I wasn't interested in marrying them - that was one of my 'requirements'. My longest relationship before DH was 9 months, because my thought was - if I'm not ready for marriage, then I'm ready to move on and have fun with someone else. :lachen: While I was 'free', there were far too many gorgeously plumed birds out there for me to be willing to cage myself in with one for the long term. ;) ;)




I strongly agree with the bolded.
When I was dating, I felt like he should WANT to be with me, and if he didn't, he knew where the door was. I wasn't trying to be someone 'different' to get him to stay with me, because that only works in the short-term - in the long term, you can't maintain that facade. And if he falls for a facade, you have shortchanged both yourself AND him. And if it's only going to be short term - why waste the time faking it?
Click to expand...

by position, I mean be aware of what you want.Be confident in who you are, be whole and know what you're about to get yourself into. I think many of us get so caught up in planning a wedding that we forget to plan the marriage.

There is certainly a mindshift from dating just to have fun and dating to get married.
 
asuperwoman said:
by position, I mean be aware of what you want. Be confident in who you are, be whole and know what you're about to get yourself into. I think many of us get so caught up in planning a wedding that we forget to plan the marriage.

There is certainly a mind shift from dating just to have fun and dating to get married.
Click to expand...

Oh, good lords, yes!! :lol: That's just - normal, ain't it? :lol: I mean, even when I was dating just for fun, I had a pretty good image in mind of what I would want my husband - and my marriage - to be like. :look: Folks don't do that? :ohwell:

That helped, a lot I think, with allowing me to just date for fun - because some of the dudes I dated were busters - had no chance of being a husband, but they were fun. *fond memories of dicks & days gone by*
And the awareness that was always in the back of my head - you are here for merely a season - helped me not get in too deep/give up to much/fall too hard - until I found one that I wanted to marry. DH is actually the first guy I met that I wanted to marry......
 
JustKiya said:
Oh, good lords, yes!! :lol: That's just - normal, ain't it? :lol: I mean, even when I was dating just for fun, I had a pretty good image in mind of what I would want my husband - and my marriage - to be like. :look: Folks don't do that? :ohwell:

That helped, a lot I think, with allowing me to just date for fun - because some of the dudes I dated were busters - had no chance of being a husband, but they were fun. *fond memories of dicks & days gone by*
And the awareness that was always in the back of my head - you are here for merely a season - helped me not get in too deep/give up to much/fall too hard - until I found one that I wanted to marry. DH is actually the first guy I met that I wanted to marry......
Click to expand...


Interesting, lol @ the whited part! Great minds think alike... so, what about preparing for marriage? Did you take the time to do that?

I wanted to get married, but it's a lotta stuff about marriage I didn't learn about until after I said I do. I wish I had taken more time to learn about what makes a marriage work, the role of wife/husband. It would have been beneficial to me. I think you said it in another thread, marriage does indeed take WORK, waaay more work than planning a wedding.
 
asuperwoman said:
maybe you're right. As OP said- all points of view are welcomed. So, does anyone else have any info?


I'm interested in what Tiara said, just curious to know if the married ladies or those who have been in long term relationships agree?

I personally think you have to position yourself for marriage just like anything else in life.
Click to expand...

I will say that I am not married by choice....there was a point in my life where i was looking for the guy who DIDN"T want to get married...options for marriage material men (as in what most people deem marriage material) or men who would like to get married are always available if that is what one is looking for

I spent years not knowing what i was looking for and it wasn't marriage in the traditional sense or security from a man or anything like that... thats why I passed it up more than a few times in my life...it wouldn't be fair to me or to him to just settle when i knew in my heart its not what i wanted

even with my last ex if I could of been sure I could marry him or promise him some sort of forever he wouldn't of been as scared as he was of love but i couldn't give him that guarantee and he didn't want to take a chance and get "caught out on a limb" as he put it...

at that point I decided to figure out myself...what is goin on with me and it took me a few years to redefine my own ideas of love, commitment, marriage and now i know the reason why i was never gung ho to get married its because what i really feel all of that is about doesn't align up to what most other people feel it is about ....and now i am completely open to marriage in the way i see it and men who see it that way are poppin up all over the place...and its about me being me and attracting those who align up to me....when I was still thinking of marriage the way most people see it as, even though i didn't want that, i attracted men who wanted marriage in that way...they are still around, just now men who think like i do presently are attracting to my field of choice

if marriage is what one wants have faith marriage is what you will get

trying to get and keep people shows you have a lot of fear in "losing" somebody vs having faith that somebody will want to be with you
 
JustKiya said:
Oh, good lords, yes!! :lol: That's just - normal, ain't it? :lol: I mean, even when I was dating just for fun, I had a pretty good image in mind of what I would want my husband - and my marriage - to be like. :look: Folks don't do that? :ohwell:

That helped, a lot I think, with allowing me to just date for fun - because some of the dudes I dated were busters - had no chance of being a husband, but they were fun. *fond memories of dicks & days gone by*
And the awareness that was always in the back of my head - you are here for merely a season - helped me not get in too deep/give up to much/fall too hard - until I found one that I wanted to marry. DH is actually the first guy I met that I wanted to marry......
Click to expand...

i learned alot from the guys i didn't take seriously....learning about men in general with the different types of relationships and experiences with them...i learned about myself.....all of my dating experiences with men before is what has helped me find myself and help me get a clear idea on what marriage means to me ME

i have met only one guy to present who I would marry no doubt....and when i laid eyes on him i instantly knew why i always had a inner doubt about anybody else up until i met him...even my ex...i wanted to WANT TO MARRY him and something in me kept sayin let it go..and i love him to itty bitty subatomic pieces lol, still do but when you know you just know....
 
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