Spinoff: Keeping in Touch with His Family

[cocoberry10]

Spinoff: Keeping in Touch with His Family/Friends

Hi Ladies:

This is a spinoff to the Tameka Goes off on Chilli thread in ET forum (http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=139743).

Basically, sometimes a relationship is not meant to be between two people, but...What if you really, really liked his family/friends?

Do you believe you have to cut/sever the ties with your ex's "people" (family/friends) if you really, really got along with them?

Or, do you think that you can continue to associate with them, even though your relationship is over?

 

[bluediamond0829]

i think it just depends really...i mean all that showing up to family functions and his new girlfriend being their that to me would not be cool...but i mean if it was a good relationship say for example with his cousins, sisters, i mean even maybe his parents....i would keep a distant relationship(not as close of a relationship and connection with them)...and then it depends on how the individuals can handle it...because you have some women that just do it out of spite and just so they can keep tabs on their ex....but if its all in good love and friendships that has been built with the family then i dont see anything wrong with it....(all about maturity level)

 

[cocoberry10]

i think it just depends really...i mean all that showing up to family functions and his new girlfriend being their that to me would not be cool...but i mean if it was a good relationship say for example with his cousins, sisters, i mean even maybe his parents....i would keep a distant relationship(not as close of a relationship and connection with them)...and then it depends on how the individuals can handle it...because you have some women that just do it out of spite and just so they can keep tabs on their ex....but if its all in good love and friendships that has been built with the family then i dont see anything wrong with it....(all about maturity level)

I totally agree with this. I guess I know of some situations where a person becomes really close with their SO's family (i.e. siblings, parents) and friends.

I think it's easier to stay friends with your SO's friends than his family when you break up. And I definitely believe that if you stay friends with his family, you need to know boundaries (i.e. maybe having lunch in a restaurant, instead of showing up to family functions). I guess it depends on the two people and their maturity level. If it would bother your ex, you should be cognizant of it. They obviously were in his life before yours.

 

[pink_flower]

I think you should move on. Parents LOVE me but, I can't see myself chatting it up like nothing after a break up.

I like to keep a healthy distance between the famlies WHILE dating anyway. Folks will meddle when you get to close .

 

[cocoberry10]

I think you should move on. Parents LOVE me but, I can't see myself chatting it up like nothing after a break up.

I like to keep a healthy distance between the famlies WHILE dating anyway. Folks will meddle when you get to close .

What about friends? I can totally understand keeping a distance from family. But what if you become really good friends with his friends (i.e. female especially)? Should you cut them off too?

I'm asking this hypothetically. I have not been in this situation myself!

 

[pink_flower]

What about friends? I can totally understand keeping a distance from family. But what if you become really good friends with his friends (i.e. female especially)? Should you cut them off too?

I'm asking this hypothetically. I have not been in this situation myself!

I haven't been in that situation either. I also never dated anyone who has a close female friend( prefer it that was too), so I dunno. I think I would be more lenient with the friends, but then there are so many other factors. Like the reason for the break up, maturity level of people involved. etc. It's really depends.

 

[blackmaven]

I totally agree with this. I guess I know of some situations where a person becomes really close with their SO's family (i.e. siblings, parents) and friends.

I think it's easier to stay friends with your SO's friends than his family when you break up. And I definitely believe that if you stay friends with his family, you need to know boundaries (i.e. maybe having lunch in a restaurant, instead of showing up to family functions). I guess it depends on the two people and their maturity level. If it would bother your ex, you should be cognizant of it. They obviously were in his life before yours.

ITA, When I was dating my now husband we had broke up several times. His family would still invite me to family functions. I would say what if he brings a female friend, I would not want him to be uncomfortable.
His mother and aunts would say he better not we told him the deal.

Thank goodness we ended up marrying each other his family would have acted like plum fools.

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

I voted that it depends. My husband has female friends that he has dated at some point or another that come and visit his grandmother. Now I live in this house and they could be riding by and stop by, I don't find it disrespectful because that relationship was formed before I was even in the picture. They are very respectful towards me, only one wasn't and his grandmother asked her to leave and never come back, and I respect the relationship that was formed with his grandmother. She is a doll, I would definitely keep in touch with her, although me husband and I are NEVER separating.....So it depends on the situation. Also if I was the one doing the visiting I would want to do it when the mother was not expecting my ex so that I wouldn't cause problems and I would ask her if she viewed us continuing talking as a problem, if she didn't view it as a problem and we weren't plotting against her son and his current relationship, which I wouldn't unless its my current husband LOL, then I don't see the problem.

However, it takes being secure in yourself to build a relationship with his family and being secure in your relationship.

 

[Puddles]

I was best friends with his sister way before we got together. I'm still close to his whole family.....except him.

 

[divya]

Usually, for the most part, it's a wrap. I will be cordial to his friends and family but that's about it.

 

[cocoberry10]

I voted that it depends. My husband has female friends that he has dated at some point or another that come and visit his grandmother. Now I live in this house and they could be riding by and stop by, I don't find it disrespectful because that relationship was formed before I was even in the picture. They are very respectful towards me, only one wasn't and his grandmother asked her to leave and never come back, and I respect the relationship that was formed with his grandmother. She is a doll, I would definitely keep in touch with her, although me husband and I are NEVER separating.....So it depends on the situation. Also if I was the one doing the visiting I would want to do it when the mother was not expecting my ex so that I wouldn't cause problems and I would ask her if she viewed us continuing talking as a problem, if she didn't view it as a problem and we weren't plotting against her son and his current relationship, which I wouldn't unless its my current husband LOL, then I don't see the problem.

However, it takes being secure in yourself to build a relationship with his family and being secure in your relationship.

This is a great way to look at it, and I totally agree!

 

[cocoberry10]

I was best friends with his sister way before we got together. I'm still close to his whole family.....except him.

 

[cocoberry10]

Usually, for the most part, it's a wrap. I will be cordial to his friends and family but that's about it.

Even if you had become really good friends with his friends (i.e. a female, especially--I mean like sisters)???

 

[Puddles]

However, it takes being secure in yourself to build a relationship with his family and being secure in your relationship.

That is so true. I'm "Very" secure in my marriage. As a matter of fact......my ex was my first bf. That was when I was 15 to the age of 19....I'm 39 now. We we're going to get married....that's a whole other story.
I'm still close to the whole family. His lil brother is getting married next year and I'm going to the wedding. Me and his sister (my ace boon-coon) still hang. We've known each other since the age of 13. I wasn't getting rid of my gurl because of no man.....brother or not.

 

[caribeandiva]

no way! just because it's over between us doesn't mean i can't still be friends with his family members. In fact, me and one of my best friends became close friends AFTER she broke up with my brother. It's a totally different relationship.

 

[Evolving78]

Usually, for the most part, it's a wrap. I will be cordial to his friends and family but that's about it.

That's true for me.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

I had a really bad experience with this once.
My ex's family and I were extremely too close! His mother and I were closer than he and his sister were to their mother. We're still close, but we've distanced ourselves so that I can have a healthy relationship. The problem is that I was torn about moving on. I found myself wanting him back, but it was really because I wanted to be a part of that family. I really wanted the mother-in-law more than I wanted her son. NOT HEALTHY! Now we only talk every few months for life updates and encouragement, but we used to talk a few times a week. I dated her son for almost 5 years, and we were once engaged to marry. We both thought it was safe, but things between her son and I went bad. We broke up, but the family and I weren't ready to break up. His little sister grew up with me around, and it has been hard to loosen the ties with her too.

I learned the hard way that I'm gonna resist getting too close until after I'm married.

 

[Puddles]

I had a really bad experience with this once.
My ex's family and I were extremely too close! His mother and I were closer than he and his sister were to their mother. We're still close, but we've distanced ourselves so that I can have a healthy relationship. The problem is that I was torn about moving on. I found myself wanting him back, but it was really because I wanted to be a part of that family. I really wanted the mother-in-law more than I wanted her son. NOT HEALTHY! Now we only talk every few months for life updates and encouragement, but we used to talk a few times a week. I dated her son for almost 5 years, and we were once engaged to marry. We both thought it was safe, but things between her son and I went bad. We broke up, but the family and I weren't ready to break up. His little sister grew up with me around, and it has been hard to loosen the ties with her too.

I learned the hard way that I'm gonna resist getting too close until after I'm married.

Aww.....sorry to hear that it couldn't work out for you and the family.

I knew there couldn't be no more me and him.......he was very verbally abusive. I still feel he was adopted. He's nothing like the rest of his family.

 

[cocoberry10]

I had a really bad experience with this once.
My ex's family and I were extremely too close! His mother and I were closer than he and his sister were to their mother. We're still close, but we've distanced ourselves so that I can have a healthy relationship. The problem is that I was torn about moving on. I found myself wanting him back, but it was really because I wanted to be a part of that family. I really wanted the mother-in-law more than I wanted her son. NOT HEALTHY! Now we only talk every few months for life updates and encouragement, but we used to talk a few times a week. I dated her son for almost 5 years, and we were once engaged to marry. We both thought it was safe, but things between her son and I went bad. We broke up, but the family and I weren't ready to break up. His little sister grew up with me around, and it has been hard to loosen the ties with her too.

I learned the hard way that I'm gonna resist getting too close until after I'm married.

I'm sorry to hear this. It seems to be the general consensus (from the posts) that it's harder to stay close with family members you become close or friends with, but if you become friends with his friends and break up, it's easier to stay connected to them??? Am I right?

 

[locabouthair]

Re: Spinoff: Keeping in Touch with His Family/Friends

Hi Ladies:

This is a spinoff to the Tameka Goes off on Chilli thread in ET forum (http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=139743).

Basically, sometimes a relationship is not meant to be between two people, but...What if you really, really liked his family/friends?

Do you believe you have to cut/sever the ties with your ex's "people" (family/friends) if you really, really got along with them?

Or, do you think that you can continue to associate with them, even though your relationship is over?

I went through this before. It was a bad breakup and I still kept in touch with his family. His mother called me her second daughter. I'll admit staying in contact with them made it harder for me to get over him. There was one point where I was so hurt by him that I really wasn't going to speak to his mom again. Nothing against her but it was just hard for me. Even though I loved his family, they were very nice to me. In the future I would be cautious of getting close with the family. It really sucks when the family loves you but things dont work out with him.

I'll say thta you can associate with them if you are 100% over him. If you aren't it can make it harder for you to move on.

As far the chilli and tameka thing, I dont see why chilli should have to stop speaking with usher's mom just because he's engaged to tameka.

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Keeping in Touch with His Family/Friends

I went through this before. It was a bad breakup and I still kept in touch with his family. His mother called me her second daughter. I'll admit staying in contact with them made it harder for me to get over him. There was one point where I was so hurt by him that I really wasn't going to speak to his mom again. Nothing against her but it was just hard for me. Even though I loved his family, they were very nice to me. In the future I would be cautious of getting close with the family. It really sucks when the family loves you but things dont work out with him.

I'll say that you can associate with them if you are 100% over him. If you aren't it can make it harder for you to move on.

As far the chilli and tameka thing, I dont see why chilli should have to stop speaking with usher's mom just because he's engaged to tameka.

I agree with this and I understand your situation. I esp. agree with the bolded!

 

[lexi08]

I would not have an issue with wanting to remain close or keep in touch with an ex's family members. I keep my distance from my SO's family members and friends, its much better that way.

 

[audacious1]

In theory, I'd keep my distance from SO's family because it could potentially let them in on a relationship where they shouldn't be. I enjoy my privacy

Being buddy buddy comes with risk. So I wouldn't sustain a relationship with a family member unless there's a real connection with them. Otherwise, when I say adios to him, I say adios to the family.


But this is all a theory. I haven't had to deal with this yet. Different variables could mean different things though. ::shrugs::