Spinoff - Do men "settle"?

[Glib Gurl]

Inspired by the thread about women just "settling" for "Mr. Good Enough" after age 30.

There was some debate as to whether men "settle" --

Mr. Good Enough. Funny. No one tells men to settle for Ms. Good Enough. It is always another WOMAN telling WOMEN to settle for Mr. Good Enough.

And I think it's false - esp. when we are talking about the purely physical - to say that men don't settle.

How often have women puzzled over how an 'not quite attractive' looking woman snagged an 'attractive' man? Men just don't agonize over it, and I think that men - esp. men who want to get married - release the quest for Ms. Perfect in search for Ms. Right - who might only be 80% perfect.

That's pretty much my point. That is not settling in a mans eyes.

It's like the saying men don't settle they surrender.

I believe what woman negatively call settling men optimistically call thinking outside the box.

Paying attention to what he's getting vs her paying attention to what she isn't.

I know there is no simple yes or no answer to this inquiry, but I'd love to hear this debate further . . .

What do you think on this matter? In your opinion, do men ever "settle"? Do you know any men who have "settled"? What makes you think so? (Was it your male bff who straight told you that he settled?)

 

[tiara76]

yes men do settle a

they have the same ideas, fears and insecurities as women do and settle for the alot of the same reasons women do



this is as good as it will get, i dont deserve better than this, etcc

at least im gettin consistent sex (mad if they are not)

she is somebody who can't really hurt me, she loves me more than i love her, appeases and phrases the ground i walk on, decent qualities about her would make a good mom, can cook (if she does do anything it will just bruise my ego a bit but won't break my heart because i refuse to open up to another person who will crush me so i will avoid and run from anybody i feel that i have any sort of chemistry with because that opens up the possibility i could get hurt if i pursue it and i am terrified of that happening)

she is somebody i wont have to worry about other men wanting

fits the "role", looks good on paper, looks good on my arm, looks like a good front/facade to others

 

[Crackers Phinn]

They do it all the time.

 

[JustKiya]

I think that almost any time you happily accept less than 95% perfection, you've settled. That's just me.

With that said, I think that most happily married people - men and women - have happily accepted something between 75-85% perfection. They've all settled, in some ways. Of course, there are those who find someone so perfect for them it's unbelievable - but I think that's exceptional, not normal.

I think that men just agonize over that missing 15-25% less than women do, and simply accept that there is no perfect Princess Charmina for them. They don't have that expectation of perfection.

 

[Cheleigh]

I think that almost any time you happily accept less than 95% perfection, you've settled. That's just me.

With that said, I think that most happily married people - men and women - have happily accepted something between 75-85% perfection. They've all settled, in some ways. Of course, there are those who find someone so perfect for them it's unbelievable - but I think that's exceptional, not normal.

I think that men just agonize over that missing 15-25% less than women do, and simply accept that there is no perfect Princess Charmina for them. They don't have that expectation of perfection.

Ditto. I see men "settling" pretty often. I think they don't consider it settling though. While there are men who are holding out for "perfection," many men are just like women--it has more to do with timing, circumstances, preferences, background, etc. as to you who you select for a life's mate. Men are really more time/circumstance based than women are, I think.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I think that almost any time you happily accept less than 95% perfection, you've settled. That's just me.

Wow - that is quite a percentage? I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but do you feel like you and your dh are 95% perfect for each other? (If I'm overstepping my boundaries please feel free to tell me to MYOB.)

 

[Almaz]

No man is perfect and no woman is perfect you be with someone that is perfect for you.

And yes men settle all the time. Women do to.

 

[JustKiya]

Wow - that is quite a percentage? I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way, but do you feel like you and your dh are 95% perfect for each other? (If I'm overstepping my boundaries please feel free to tell me to MYOB.)

95%? Not even. I fully lump us into that 75-85% perfect for each other category - and I still feel thrilled, amazed, blessed and lucky that I found such a wonderful man.

 

[aribell]

I remember a guy talking about his future plans, mentioned he'd probably be moving back to DC where his girlfriend was, since "everyone is expecting me to marry her." I, and the other people around were like, "Everyone? Do you want to marry her?" He just kinda shrugged. Whatever his rationale was, it didn't have much at all to do with having these intense feelings for her.

I've heard other men talk about pressure from their mothers to marry certain women, or getting to the point where they feel like they owe the woman something because they've been together so long or don't want to create drama/embarassment by calling off an engagement.

So yes, I do think men settle.

 

[julzinha]

I feel that men feel pressured to marry by their mothers, but with women it is an even more intense pressure because with women once you hit a certain age they feel that no man will marry you and it is sad cause i believe every woman deserves a great man and every man deserves a great woman! but people get so pressured to marry that they settle for a man they don't really love or a man they know they won't be with 30 years from now

 

[Eritreladiee]

I think that almost any time you happily accept less than 95% perfection, you've settled. That's just me.

With that said, I think that most happily married people - men and women - have happily accepted something between 75-85% perfection. They've all settled, in some ways. Of course, there are those who find someone so perfect for them it's unbelievable - but I think that's exceptional, not normal.

I think that men just agonize over that missing 15-25% less than women do, and simply accept that there is no perfect Princess Charmina for them. They don't have that expectation of perfection.

I definitely agree with this.

I think it's easier for men to "settle," because unlike women they haven't been fed all this "prince charming," "the One," "my soul mate," type stuff since childhood (fairy tales, chick flicks, etc.)

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I'm not sure I agree....I know plenty of men who are trying to force fit their wives into that last 15 - 25%...particularly if its around the way they look and weight.

 

[tiara76]

lots of people (men and women) settle for some "percentage" of having it all in a main relationship and just go out and make up the rest in other relationships

 

[JustKiya]

^^^ I'm not sure I agree....I know plenty of men who are trying to force fit their wives into that last 15 - 25%...particularly if its around the way they look and weight.

Would you consider them happily married, though? I suspect that there are a lot of couples trying to force their partner to be 100% - but I doubt that many, if any, of those couples are happy.

lots of people (men and women) settle for some "percentage" of having it all in a main relationship and just go out and make up the rest in other relationships

And it doesn't always imply or equal cheating. I go outside my relationship to find spiritual connections, because that's a place where we don't match up. I make 'other' relationships to fill that need. He goes outside to play spades and talk smack, because that's a 'entertainment' that I don't find entertaining, so he forms other relationships to fill his need.

We don't expect each other to be everything we need.

 

[ambergirl]

Would you consider them happily married, though? I suspect that there are a lot of couples trying to force their partner to be 100% - but I doubt that many, if any, of those couples are happy.

Your original point was that men agonized less about settling then women, and I don't think that's necessarily true. Yeah, men may not agonize about the decision to settle as much as women do, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of men who setttled who are either trying to do an extreme makeover on their wives or are constantly critizing them or are out there getting that other 20% that's lacking in the marriage somewhere else. (and yes I am talking about cheating).

As for whether or not they're happy....I don't know how you could assess that looking in from the outside because IMHO a lot of marriages don't look very happy from the outside.

And it doesn't always imply or equal cheating. I go outside my relationship to find spiritual connections, because that's a place where we don't match up. I make 'other' relationships to fill that need. He goes outside to play spades and talk smack, because that's a 'entertainment' that I don't find entertaining, so he forms other relationships to fill his need.

We don't expect each other to be everything we need.

But what you're describing here isn't settling to me ...it's just the normal give and take in a relationship. Settling is when fundamental needs you have in a relationship are not present or the person exhibits traits that you have major problems with but you're going to marry them any way because you're not getting any younger, you want kids, they have money, you're feeling pressured to do so, etc.

 

[Eclass215]

Yes. I know of a good friend of mine who wanted to be married by a certain age. Since he didn't find anyone else who he thought he'd like to marry, he 'settled' for his son's mom. He hadn't really wanted to marry her, but they already had a kid together and he figured, why not.

 

[Bunny77]

Yes. I know of a good friend of mine who wanted to be married by a certain age. Since he didn't find anyone else who he thought he'd like to marry, he 'settled' for his son's mom. He hadn't really wanted to marry her, but they already had a kid together and he figured, why not.

You know, I do know a guy like this.

They were both of the same ethnic background, knew each other from age 13, kinda went back and forth in relationships with each other, etc. It was more of a case where he always felt he had to look out for her because she had family members who died young and they were just good friends and would kind of drift into a relationship... but when he was with other women, you could tell there was an actual sense of compatibility, desire and interest versus what he had with the first girl.

Anyway, the dude turned 40, he saw his brother get married and have a kid after eight years of marriage, and then the dude realized that he felt "left out" being the old bachelor. The girl he had an interest in was more focused on her career and wasn't interested in moving cross-country to be with him, so one day, he just proposed to Old Faithful. She's 42 now and feels like she hit the jackpot.

Him? I don't know. But he did the ole' man trick of waking up one day and deciding that he needed to get married, and the old standby was available!

 

[JustKiya]

Your original point was that men agonized less about settling then women, and I don't think that's necessarily true. Yeah, men may not agonize about the decision to settle as much as women do, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of men who setttled who are either trying to do an extreme makeover on their wives or are constantly critizing them or are out there getting that other 20% that's lacking in the marriage somewhere else. (and yes I am talking about cheating).

As for whether or not they're happy....I don't know how you could assess that looking in from the outside because IMHO a lot of marriages don't look very happy from the outside.

That's sad. I can't disagree with you, but that's just really sad. *sigh* And any marriage in with there is constant criticism or cheating isn't a happy marriage, in my eyes, by any stretch of the imagination.

But what you're describing here isn't settling to me ...it's just the normal give and take in a relationship. Settling is when fundamental needs you have in a relationship are not present or the person exhibits traits that you have major problems with but you're going to marry them any way because you're not getting any younger, you want kids, they have money, you're feeling pressured to do so, etc.

Oh, yipes, see - no. That, to me, is the extreme end of settling, and again, I don't think you'll be very happy in a marriage like that.

The point I am/was trying to make is that there is a HUGE range of possibilities between marrying a Mr. Abusive Drunk and marrying Mr. Perfect - it's not all or nothing at all.

And I think that a lot of women do themselves a disservice by not honestly assessing what they are willing to settle for - what their 15-25% of 'lack' will be. That's how you end up with Mr. Abusive Drunk, because he 'looks' good in all the other areas - but you settled in the 'wrong' direction.

 

[ambergirl]

That's sad. I can't disagree with you, but that's just really sad. *sigh* And any marriage in with there is constant criticism or cheating isn't a happy marriage, in my eyes, by any stretch of the imagination.



Oh, yipes, see - no. That, to me, is the extreme end of settling, and again, I don't think you'll be very happy in a marriage like that.

The point I am/was trying to make is that there is a HUGE range of possibilities between marrying a Mr. Abusive Drunk and marrying Mr. Perfect - it's not all or nothing at all.

And I think that a lot of women do themselves a disservice by not honestly assessing what they are willing to settle for - what their 15-25% of 'lack' will be. That's how you end up with Mr. Abusive Drunk, because he 'looks' good in all the other areas - but you settled in the 'wrong' direction.

Oh I get what you're saying...girl I just assume Mr Perfect doesn't exist but you're right, there are some men and women who's expectations of the spouse are way out of whack...as if you could just order'em up just like you want them.

I actually would prefer a mate with some quirks because it makes life more interesting.