Spinny: Love YOURSELF FIRST....

[MissYocairis]

....this is a spinny off of Glib's thread, which is now closed. I know a lot of people and experts always say, "you must love yourself first" in response to relationship quandaries. My thing is, do we really understand what it means to love yourself first? Do we respect that concept enough to understand HOW it would lead to a fulfilling relationship?

It occurred to me recently that, no man is going to love you for YOU and commit to YOU when you refuse to commit to YOURSELF. Why should he? Are ladies looking for a knight in shining armour who is going to rescue you from your own self-loathing and give you worth? (this isn't for the above mentioned OP in the other thread, this is general)

It's similar to when someone goes through a devastating experience like a divorce and people come in and say, "this too shall pass." It seems so cliche and out of touch with the pain one is experiencing. YET...it is the truth and the value in it is far-reaching.

Why would you attract to yourself the kind of mate who will love you unconditionally when you do not even love yourself unconditionally?

Why would someone COMMIT to you for a lifetime when you will not even commit to YOURSELF on small things like accomplishing your goals, doing better in familial relationships and honing a craft or hobby that interests you?

If you committed to stop smoking, for instance, and you BREAK that committment to YOURSELF....what does that say about your own level of self-love?

If you committed to workout at LEAST 3 times per week and you BREAK that committment to YOURSELF....then why are you expecting someone else to commit themselves and all that they have to offer to you when you have disrespected your own self by breaking your own personal committments?

Just some thoughts. Self-love is highly important and really IS the first step. It cannot be forgone if one expects to have their love goals met.

Do you ACCEPT yourself? Honestly....is there not a little voice in the back of your head saying, "yeah, you look cute even though your shoes are from payless"? Is there not a SELF-DEFEATING spirit that is accusing you in the back of your mind?

I challenge us all to seek and look for it and silence that. Start working on self-acceptance and self-love. Appreciate all the beautiful things about yourself MORE than you acknowledge those things that need work.

When YOU see the beauty in YOU...so will the world.

 

[rabs77]

Love this post!

 

[NappyNelle]

Excellent post.

 

[Imani]

I think I started to grasp this concept a little about 2 years ago. And only recently just REALLY started to get it. I am working on this and its my main focus right now. This really is at the core of a lot of issues once you peel away all the layers. People can give dating advice and tips all day but if you don't love yourself none of that even really matters.

 

[MissSenegal]

I was just telling my bff this. She jumps from relationship to relationship and literally says she's looking for prince charming. I told her get to know yourself first love yourself first. I can see why she's like this her mom has been divorces 4 times and is getting married for the 5th time. She's always asking how I can stay single for so long because her life sucks when she's single. I just wish she would take my advice.

 

[MissYocairis]

MissSenegal, she probably has not gotten to a point where "love yourself first" has meaning. It takes a long time finally "get" it. It's like a cliche and seems to gloss over the intracacies in someone's personal experience so they are like, "yeah, ok, whatever". But once you "GET" it, I mean, really get it, then everything else falls into place.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Oh wow..... Great thread! This really hit home........... Thanks!

Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier

 

[Renewed1]

This is right on time. I've been telling myself daily, to love me first, respect me first and others WILL follow.

Thank you.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Very true, and especially the part of committing to yourself, it really helps build your love and trust in yourself. Learning to believe you deserve to be treated well and loved regardless of other circumstances.

 

[bellatiamarie]

STICKY!!!!!!!!!!

 

[FlowerHair]

Wonderful post and so true!

 

[ambergirl]

Great post CharlotteYork!

My two cents is that I think sometimes people get tripped up around what it means to have true self acceptance and how the world perceives that.

Haven't some of you noticed that often times people are attracted to you when you least expect it? I've been slimmer and heavier, long hair and short hair, glasses and contacts, dressed up or jeans and tee, and I've found none of it really matters when it comes to attracting men and other cool people into your life.

When you're in a place of true self acceptance you radiant openness, non-judgement (because if you're judging yourself the energy you're giving off is that you will judge others and nobody likes that), warmth, comfort....all things that draw people to you and make you easy to be around.

Self acceptance and self love also means you take care of yourself out of joy not desperation or fear. So doing all the things to be healthy and beautiful aren't a chore but just one of the ways you love yourself.

I truly believe that when you are thinking negative thoughts about yourself your body responds to that. I've found when I'm thinking "I'm eating well and exercising because I'm fat", it's harder to lose weight then when I'm thinking "I'm eating well and exercising because I love the way it makes me feel". Literally, the pounds seem to come off faster when I'm in a good place even if my regime is the same.

Self acceptance is so key. Glad you started this thread Charlotte!

 

[Highly Favored8]

Nice thread.

 

[Whimsy]

Plenty of men 'commit' to women who don't love themselves.
I do hear what you're saying OP.
But I think since so may people see men with women who don't love themselves they think it's not a requirement.

 

[divachyk]

Nicely stated OP.

 

[mychai]

Great post. Thanks.

 

[ambergirl]

Plenty of men 'commit' to women who don't love themselves.
I do hear what you're saying OP.
But I think since so may people see men with women who don't love themselves they think it's not a requirement.

I completely agree. I see this all the time. But I think the thing to be careful about is some of these men are attracted to the brokenness and self-doubt so they may try to keep you in that space. I have several friends who had to completely reneogtiate or leave relationships when they improved their lives because their SOs could not handle it.

 

[Whimsy]

I completely agree. I see this all the time. But I think the thing to be careful about is some of these men are attracted to the brokenness and self-doubt so they may try to keep you in that space. I have several friends who had to completely reneogtiate or leave relationships when they improved their lives because their SOs could not handle it.

So true. I didn't think thanks was enough. Had ta quotecha!

 

[Imani]

I completely agree. I see this all the time. But I think the thing to be careful about is some of these men are attracted to the brokenness and self-doubt so they may try to keep you in that space. I have several friends who had to completely reneogtiate or leave relationships when they improved their lives because their SOs could not handle it.

Yep, I know of someone married for like 20 years and has been fighting her weight for years. Every time she tries to lose weight her husband finds a way to sabotage it.

 

[BERlin]

Great post, OP.

However, I think we should jump out of loving oneself as a means to something (in this case, a healthy romantic relationship.) Sure loving oneself can bring about a healthier relationship, and it's foolish to ask someone to do something for you that you have not invested in yourself. But loving oneself is not a means to something, it is important in and of itself. Some may get the message, but not the meaning. You should love yourself for you, based on motivations that have nothing to do with others. Loving oneself so that others will love you is similar to asking for someone to validate your worthiness of love; the latter seemed to inspire this thread.

 

[MissYocairis]

Great post CharlotteYork!

My two cents is that I think sometimes people get tripped up around what it means to have true self acceptance and how the world perceives that.

Haven't some of you noticed that often times people are attracted to you when you least expect it? I've been slimmer and heavier, long hair and short hair, glasses and contacts, dressed up or jeans and tee, and I've found none of it really matters when it comes to attracting men and other cool people into your life.

When you're in a place of true self acceptance you radiant openness, non-judgement (because if you're judging yourself the energy you're giving off is that you will judge others and nobody likes that), warmth, comfort....all things that draw people to you and make you easy to be around.

Self acceptance and self love also means you take care of yourself out of joy not desperation or fear. So doing all the things to be healthy and beautiful aren't a chore but just one of the ways you love yourself.

I truly believe that when you are thinking negative thoughts about yourself your body responds to that. I've found when I'm thinking "I'm eating well and exercising because I'm fat", it's harder to lose weight then when I'm thinking "I'm eating well and exercising because I love the way it makes me feel". Literally, the pounds seem to come off faster when I'm in a good place even if my regime is the same.

Self acceptance is so key. Glad you started this thread Charlotte!

The entire post is on point and the bolded gave me chills! TRUTH! I LOVE the above bolded, Amber! Brilliant!

 

[MissYocairis]

Great post, OP.

However, I think we should jump out of loving oneself as a means to something (in this case, a healthy romantic relationship.) Sure loving oneself can bring about a healthier relationship, and it's foolish to ask someone to do something for you that you have not invested in yourself. But loving oneself is not a means to something, it is important in and of itself. Some may get the message, but not the meaning. You should love yourself for you, based on motivations that have nothing to do with others. Loving oneself so that others will love you is similar to asking for someone to validate your worthiness of love; the latter seemed to inspire this thread.

Oh, I am not advocating that one love themselves purely as a mechanism for finding love. I've done a thread in the past on taking the focus OFF of obtaining a relationship and placing it BACK on loving self (in OT)...so, my OP here is not mentioned in a vacuum. It's just that, I was responding based on another thread dealing with male/female relationships. And, there was a lot of "love yourself first" - as there always is - in that thread and it occurred to me that many times, we don't know what loving yourself has to do with your interactions with others. NOT that you love yourself only for one reason...to attract others, but that IN loving yourself, your world opens up.

I was just giving some illustrations of what one has to do with the other. At the end of the day, once you place your focus on you and spend time healing and building and appreciating you, the world cannot help but respond. It is one of the beautiful "side effects" that comes from genuine self-love.

 

[MissYocairis]

I completely agree. I see this all the time. But I think the thing to be careful about is some of these men are attracted to the brokenness and self-doubt so they may try to keep you in that space. I have several friends who had to completely reneogtiate or leave relationships when they improved their lives because their SOs could not handle it.

This also bears repeating! On point.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Plenty of men 'commit' to women who don't love themselves.
I do hear what you're saying OP.
But I think since so may people see men with women who don't love themselves they think it's not a requirement.

[mention=13921667] Whimsy [/mention]....I was going to say the same exact thing!

I get what you're saying OP, and I agree 110% with it.


However, I think that SOMETIMES women in general are just sick and tired of the OVERanalysis of why some of us are single. Sometimes it's really NOT that serious! Why do I have to go through a 10-course therapy session, get rid of my "baggage", live my single life to the fullest and n'th degree, travel around the world 3 times, work on being my most "perfect" ME, BEFORE I personally can find a good man to date and/or marry?? Especially when I see soo many women settling down and marrying GOOD men (mind you) who haven't even done remotely what I've done? I see girl friends of mine who have been divorced, have kids w/tons of baggage getting married every single day.

I'm just saying............................

I completely understand that we as women want to be the BEST we can be in order to attract the man that we desire, and I totally agree with that. BUT... at the same time, I have SO many friends, family members and acquaintances who have gotten married to GOOD men who treat them right even though THEY themselves are not the typical "ideal" prize of a woman. So, really...I think part of it IS us, but I think the majority is just up to chance. Right time, right place, right people, etc. Being more proactive does help, letting others know you're ready to get married/be serious about a relationship and are looking helps as well.

Idk....It just makes me frustrated sometimes to see that things seem to come so easily for some women, and yet they don't come as easily to the rest of us.

 

[ElegantPearl17]

I totally agree with this point!

@ Whimsy ....I was going to say the same exact thing!

I get what you're saying OP, and I agree 110% with it.


However, I think that SOMETIMES women in general are just sick and tired of the OVERanalysis of why some of us are single. Sometimes it's really NOT that serious! Why do I have to go through a 10-course therapy session, get rid of my "baggage", live my single life to the fullest and n'th degree, travel around the world 3 times, work on being my most "perfect" ME, BEFORE I personally can find a good man to date and/or marry?? Especially when I see soo many women settling down and marrying GOOD men (mind you) who haven't even done remotely what I've done? I see girl friends of mine who have been divorced, have kids w/tons of baggage getting married every single day.

I'm just saying............................

I completely understand that we as women want to be the BEST we can be in order to attract the man that we desire, and I totally agree with that. BUT... at the same time, I have SO many friends, family members and acquaintances who have gotten married to GOOD men who treat them right even though THEY themselves are not the typical "ideal" prize of a woman. So, really...I think part of it IS us, but I think the majority is just up to chance. Right time, right place, right people, etc. Being more proactive does help, letting others know you're ready to get married/be serious about a relationship and are looking helps as well.

Idk....It just makes me frustrated sometimes to see that things seem to come so easily for some women, and yet they don't come as easily to the rest of us.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

ahhh thanks... Love it...

 

[SuchMagnificent]

@ Whimsy ....I was going to say the same exact thing!

I get what you're saying OP, and I agree 110% with it.


However, I think that SOMETIMES women in general are just sick and tired of the OVERanalysis of why some of us are single. Sometimes it's really NOT that serious! Why do I have to go through a 10-course therapy session, get rid of my "baggage", live my single life to the fullest and n'th degree, travel around the world 3 times, work on being my most "perfect" ME, BEFORE I personally can find a good man to date and/or marry?? Especially when I see soo many women settling down and marrying GOOD men (mind you) who haven't even done remotely what I've done? I see girl friends of mine who have been divorced, have kids w/tons of baggage getting married every single day.

I'm just saying............................

I completely understand that we as women want to be the BEST we can be in order to attract the man that we desire, and I totally agree with that. BUT... at the same time, I have SO many friends, family members and acquaintances who have gotten married to GOOD men who treat them right even though THEY themselves are not the typical "ideal" prize of a woman. So, really...I think part of it IS us, but I think the majority is just up to chance. Right time, right place, right people, etc. Being more proactive does help, letting others know you're ready to get married/be serious about a relationship and are looking helps as well.

Idk....It just makes me frustrated sometimes to see that things seem to come so easily for some women, and yet they don't come as easily to the rest of us.

ALL OF THIS..Lets keep it real

 

[PinkyPromise]

Good post!

 

[curlcomplexity]

Subbing to this thread.

...this should become a sticky!

 

[MissYocairis]

[mention=13921667] Whimsy [/mention]....I was going to say the same exact thing!

I get what you're saying OP, and I agree 110% with it.


However, I think that SOMETIMES women in general are just sick and tired of the OVERanalysis of why some of us are single. Sometimes it's really NOT that serious! Why do I have to go through a 10-course therapy session, get rid of my "baggage", live my single life to the fullest and n'th degree, travel around the world 3 times, work on being my most "perfect" ME, BEFORE I personally can find a good man to date and/or marry?? Especially when I see soo many women settling down and marrying GOOD men (mind you) who haven't even done remotely what I've done? I see girl friends of mine who have been divorced, have kids w/tons of baggage getting married every single day.

I'm just saying............................

I completely understand that we as women want to be the BEST we can be in order to attract the man that we desire, and I totally agree with that. BUT... at the same time, I have SO many friends, family members and acquaintances who have gotten married to GOOD men who treat them right even though THEY themselves are not the typical "ideal" prize of a woman. So, really...I think part of it IS us, but I think the majority is just up to chance. Right time, right place, right people, etc. Being more proactive does help, letting others know you're ready to get married/be serious about a relationship and are looking helps as well.

Idk....It just makes me frustrated sometimes to see that things seem to come so easily for some women, and yet they don't come as easily to the rest of us.

You know, everyone is where they are and you have to decide what works for you. There is not one thread here that is a referendum on your life.

This thread isn't about tap-dancing for someone else. This thread is about your own personal self-assessments. That can take any form you wish.

There is no laundry list in the OP about how one should look, how much one should weigh, how much education one needs (to snag the upper echelon), how high your heels need to be, and how much you need to cook.

I'm not sure how an encouragement to turn inward becomes a parallel to THOSE types of threads/books/blogs/discussions. I was simply pointing out something from another thread that kept being brought up.....speaking of which, MANY in the other thread WERE giving SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS on what the OP needed to do physically in order to present herself as more appealing. I believe there was PLENTY of "lose the weight" talk going on there. I didn't take that route by any stretch of the imagination.

If you want to vent about being sick and tired of the laundry lists, I find it ironic that a thread on generic self-love -- in the midst of scores of threads that focus on giving better head, being more feminine, traveling in upper echelon circles, looking sexier, cooking more, etc, etc, etc -- would be the thread where you have your venting breakdown. Really, you JUST NOW realizing it in a self-love thread? Why not realize you were fed up when you read that the brothas don't like your wedges and you need to learn to walk in stillettos instead? (pure example!)

Oddly, there is a certain resonance with the principle of self-love and self-acceptance in your post. Why can't someone love me just the way I am? If you love you just the way you are, how is that incongruent with the op? I think that's the whole point.

And, as Ambergirl so eloquently put it, when one begins to experience themselves from a place of non-judgment then so goes the world. I think that resonates with your post as well.

Anyway, as I stated before, everyone is where they are, if you see something of value, awesome. If it is of no value to you, I will try diligently to meet your expectations next time I post a relationship thread and I am sorry you have been offended.