Sooo I just had an argument with my mom....

drappedup

drappedup

New Member
.....about my hair. I've been sans a relaxer for 13 months now, so my curls and frizz have kicked in in full force, and while I flat iron my hair weekly, sometimes every other week, it's not longer straight for more than 2 or so days at a time. Anyway, before these past 13 months I used to get my hair relaxed regularly since I was 5 years old, so my hair has always been "pin straight", and I guess that is how my mom is used to seeing me. Well, I've only seen her 3 times this year, once in February when my hair still looked somewhat relaxed then again in September where she nagged me about getting one, and then again recently this week where she would not shut up about "making my hair look nice again". I've tried to lightly respond in good nature and without offense, but as this past week went on she kept bringing it up more and more during our time together, to the point where I really started to take offense. I told her two nights ago to respect what I do with things like my hair because I am a grown *** chick who is 100% reliant on me, myself, & I, so she has no right to continually impose her opinion after I have asked her to accept it and move on.

But she won't drop it! Just tonight I phoned her to check how she's doing since her flight back home, and our convo is going GREAT and we're joking and laughing and all that, then all of a sudden she's like......next time I see you you better have your hair in better shape. I don't like seeing you like that. I'm like......SERIOUSLY.....why are you bringing this up again? And she continued to persist, to the point where we started arguing about it for like 10 minutes, and I even said at one point her saying she wants my hair to look "nice" heavily insinuates she thinks curls/frizz/kink/whatever/etc. does not look "nice", but in fact ugly, and she couldn't really defend her point, lol. Then I told her I don't feel comfortable with anyone touching my hair but myself (fact, given my last experience 13 months ago), and she totally laughed and said I was being silly and overreacting. I reminded her of how badly my hair had broken off in the back last November and she said it doesn't matter now that it's grown back. She was just so mocking and insensitive, I flat out told her she was hurting my feelings, because I think my hair is just fine the way it is, and I keep it moisturized and soft and somewhat straight, and I have learned so much taking care of my hair for the first time in my life, and she just would repeat herself (But it should look nice, you're taking care of your face and everything but your hair, etc.). I said I was going to hang up and not talk to her til she apologized for hurting my feelings and all but calling my more natural, less relaxed hair ugly, and she said she wouldn't apologize ever because it's the truth. At that point I was sort of pissed and I told her she was projecting her childhood insecurities about her curly hair onto me, and that I'm not her, I'm me, if she wants a relaxer so much she can get one on her own head, I'm not, and then I hung up.

Sooo I'm kind of insulted at this point, and I know my mom....she's super stubborn, as much as I love her, and I KNOW she will not apologize. Actually, she just may bring it up again whenever we next talk. What should I do? I feel like I have tried to explain the reasons I am not interested in relaxing my hair right now in various ways (originally lighthearted, then with the whole cause and effect of my last salon visit, etc.) and it's like in one ear out the other. But it's kind of like the food comments she used to make (I FINALLY got her to stop on those), it really hurts my feelings. Am I overreacting? What should I do? I'm genuinely starting to get annoyed she's so intent on trying to verbally force me to get a relaxer. Thank god I am all on my own, lol....she's so intent on it for whatever reason I could see her taking away the computer or something if I still lived back home. >.<

Opinions please? Maybe some similar situations and past experiences? :sad::sad:
 
Sorry, I have no advice. Sometimes this natural journey is hard. Not everyone understands or appreciates it.:bighug::bighug:
 
You have to remember that this is your hair and you have to do what is right for you. If going natural is what you want to do, nobody has the right to make you feel bad about it.
 
Girl I walked in the house for Christmas and my mama said..."I don't understand why you insist on walking around with a nappy head"

I am not about to waste my God given breath lecturing her on self hate AGAIN sooooo I just said "Im Nappy Happy...ur the one with the problem"
 
Well when you have bushels and bushels of healthy long hair then she it is a different story.
 
It sounds like your stubborn too!.... Do you have a solid relationship otherwise? because if so I would stand my ground and every time she mentioned it end the conversation and then wait a few days and call her again and start the conversation with "my hair is not up for debate" then plow into a normal conversation.... ....I am stubborn and so is my mother but we are best friends and I am known to text her "I'd LOVE to talk to you but only if we can stay on neutral topics Love ya LOL call me!" (its a saved message in my phone) She/I will also call and say "OK I am going to tell you this story and I just want to vent..And have you tell me it will be ok or your right or that was awful etc" I love how open and honest and indestructible our relationship is but it took time and a series of blow ups and I had to gain her respect and truthful in my personal case she had to earn mine...... Hold yourself tall and love yourself while loving her, despite what she does..
 
OP, since there's not getting her to &quot;hear&quot; you, maybe you should just end those discussions with &quot;OK, Mom!&quot; and then change the topic. If it gets to the point where you feel so hurt/insulted that it's hard to ignore and you're really getting hurt, you can either write her a heartfelt letter and tell her that if she continues to tell you hurtful stuff (and she can't argue it isn't coz hurt is personal and no one can determine what's hurtful for another), then you will have to stay away for your own peace of my mind. If you've got an aunt or family friend who's close, maybe you can have her mediate by explaining how much it hurts. Sometimes our loved ones hear things better from others...which is why counseling helps so many people. It's like no one was listening until some stranger gets involved finally the message hits home.

Most importantly, OP, find reasons to love your hair and enjoy it so. Being happy is catching. I could swear there was once a story like this that ended with the mom deciding to go natural herself after seeing the improvement in the daughter's hair. I don't think I dreamed this up. If someone remembers that story please bump it up for OP.
 
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Ignore her when she starts banging on about your hair. She, like many other black women are still reliving the past about nappy hair. You are in the present. You can always come here for moral support! :)
 
What I usually do is shut the conversation done real quick. She brings it up, shut it down real quick. My mom also never apologies... Agree to disagree, and the topic is off limits. Mom will always have a comment or disapproval, my grandma still trying to teach my own mother a thing or two about life even tho she is over 50. I'm sorry you have to go through that, I was in a similar situation, after our last nice conversation she didn't mention my hair for months. Now she has a lot of faith in my HHJ... I have faith in your mom to turn around her views on your hair too.. it still all pretty new to her.
 
You know how you deal with that? Whenever she brings your hair up, change the subject. Hell it can be anything, the knicks, puppies, the inability of people to drive and you think they get their drivers licenses out of cracker jack boxes....ANYTHING.

She'll get the hint. If not she has to build a bridge and get over it.
 
My grandmother called me knotty head for YEARS after I went natural. It didn't stop until she started developing alzhiemers. :-\

Sent from my DROIDX using Long Hair Care Forum App
 
Whenever I relaxer strech for a few months and make a trip home, my mother always has something to say. last time it was "Why is your hair so notty? If you get a interview, I hope that you will fix it pretty." She got the side eye and immediately changed the subject. My hair, my choice.
 
My mother did not approve of my hair. Even now, I realize that she did not like my hair natural until a recent visit. She heard the number of comments OTHERS heaped on my two-strand twist out. This was the break that got her to back off of the hair hate.

While this isn't advice, I guess I would say, recognize that this is one area where you will not agree. but don't let it be the reason you stop talking to her or let it affect your close relationship. There are just some subjects that we won't see eye to eye with our parents. They come from a different era and can be slow to change their views to reflect the "current" viewpoints.
 
My mother doesn't like my natural hair at all. I usually wear braids or full weaves as a protective style but whenever she sees my hair in its natural state she goes:

"here you go with that kinky stuff again"

"why would anyone want natural hair ?!"

"I don't like your hair like that... why don't you straighten it? "


It used to hurt and anger me to the point that I became rude:

"If you didn't want a child with kinky hair, why did you marry a black man? You should have tried your luck with another race!"

"You should be proud I accept and love my hair as it grows out of my scalp instead of trying to shame me into relaxing. I will never do it again so you're wasting your time."

It usually ends there... until the next time she sees my hair! It's like she hates it so much she can't refrain from saying something bad!

YES I DID tell her how much it much it pains me that my own MOTHER won't accept me as God (and she) made me... she acts like she understands. Then she does it again. :nono:

There are many threads on LHCF reporting this specific issue. And with my own experience, I've just come to realize that many people of the older generation will NEVER accept natural hair... including our own parents.

(I'm 100 % african, born and raised in Africa. IMO slavery and colonization did that to us black people.)

Lately I've adopted a new strategy. Whenever she starts talking about my hair, I'll interrupt her with something like:

"Maman, it's a sensitive subject. You will end up hurting my feelings and I'll respond negatively. I love my hair as it is and I will not change it. Please accept my decision as I am a grown woman."

Then I smile and quickly talk about something else. It does the trick.

To be truthful, it still really hurts me but I've decided to take her power away by NOT engaging in this kind of fruitless discussion.

My advice to you: You should do the same.
 
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my mother is just like yours. keep it simple. if she isn't willing to support your hair journey, completely ignore the comments. Act like it wasn't even said, and move on to something else..

if a bully is bothering a kid at school, and they realize they're not getting a reaction out of the kid, they'll stop..

well in some cases
 
Being happy is catching. I could swear there was once a story like this that ended with the mom deciding to go natural herself after seeing the improvement in the daughter's hair. I don't think I dreamed this up. If someone remembers that story please bump it up for OP.
Click to expand...
I'm not the one you are referring to, but that happened to me.:yep: Back in dec 05 my mother and sister started to tag team asking me when I was going to relax again, or offering to "keep it pressed". Five years later, now my mother, 2 aunts, 4 close cousin, and my neice are natural(some use color). They all have mentioned my NHJ as an inspiration because I stuck with it. Even my sister now only relaxes the back and crown of her head because the front and sides are thinning. :ohwell:

OP, be consistant and content with yourself and let others work out their issues. My mother now has the nicest 7month TWA and I tell her that often.
 
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your mother: "chile, yo hurr is nappy. you need to relax it so it can look polite"
you: "did you see that Saints game last night?
your mother: "what? your hai-
you: "they shole whupped X team last night. them Aint's aren't gonna win another superbowl for 40 years though. they just got lucky last time!"
your mother: "oh, okay"

she'll get the hint soon enough. ♥
 
I've been in your shoes and all I can recommend is that you stay strong and have a serious conversation with your mom. She may never change her mind and you have to accept that. You won't change your hair because she doesn't like it and she needs to hear it and accept that.
It will be hard to convince her to stop bringing up the topic if she is as stubborn as you say, but you are a grown woman and you deserve to be treated as such.
My mom and sister used to laugh at me, poke my hair and offer to pay for me to get it done...fast forward 4 years later, they both went natural and my sister herself told me that I had made the beat decision ever for my hair.:yep: When she said that I was so shocked that I had to ask her to repeat it, lol.
Don't give up and above all don't let that difference of opinion ruin your relationship with your mom.

Sent from my HTC Evo using Long Hair Care Forum App
 
*hugs*

Sorry, My mother is doing the same thing in a round about way... She says im "vain" and that I spend way too much time and money on my hair. Mind you that when I was relaxed She thought it was totally normal to drop $45-65 biweekly to go sit in our stylist's chair for 4-6 hours at a time. *shrug and now my little sister who's 16 wants to go natural...She doesnt want to hear any of that. Hard being raised by relaxer generation. I think its absurd that our hair is HEALTHY, beautiful, and growing...but yet it looks "unkempt" or nappy to them(on the other hand i get tons of compliments from strangers). So over that ish. However mama has had alot less to say when my hair stated growing... I have 4 inches of hair from my June buzzed BC...:look: Also somebody has started doing braidouts..stealing my hair goodies and PS'ing as well...:rolleyes: This situation my ladies will have to be a speak softly and carry a big stick remedy... Sorry ma can't hear you while im swingin' my hair...Lol... If my stubborn mom got the hint yours will too...
 
Wow your mother sounds like my mother!! I feel for you
I can tell you how I have decided to handle my mother

Just agree with her, but then DO YOU. Moms are going to say whatever the hayle they want, they think it makes you a better person. You know your hair is better and healthier than ever you don't need to prove that to anyone not even your mother
So just respect her, love her, accept her for who she is, she ain't gonna change
And you continue to care for your hair.

Just say yes mom you are right, thanks for the advice
love you I gotta go bye bye
 
If you love your hair and don't care what anyone says, including your mother, you will not engage in such conversations. When people say negative stuff about my hair I don't care and I don't respond. I just don't waste my time anymore.
 
My mother used to do this to me and my sister. My sister started first on her NHJ and my mom kept saying get a relaxer, esp when I joined and went natural. Then her tune changed when my sister's hair thrived and is now mbl at the 3 yr mark. (I am about to hit the 2 yr mark so my hair isn't nearly as long)

But now my mother is on the your hair must always be pressed (by a professional) and you should never wear it curly. (my sis is heat trained and never wears it curly) And unlike my sis I don't wear it straight all the time and I refuse to go to the stylist to do what I can already do to my hair.

My advice is be firm because ultimately your hair is no one's decision but your own.
 
Sheesh. It pains me to hear that so many mothers hate natural hair. I know my mom is still mad at me because I bc'ed but she's more anti short hair than natural, I think.

I don't know how to process this so I'll back my nappy arse up outta this thread.
 
I just say Oh okay or nothing at all. I refuse to argue with people about my hair. I did, however, give my brother a bag of straight weave and said that could be his sister from now on. That stopped the snarky comments. I hope you feel better OP.
 
Sorry to hear it OP:sad: Probably best for you to just change the subject anytime she brings it up. My mom would LOVE for me to go natural and stay that way. But she also realizes I'm going to do what I'm going to do.


-A
 
It's a big ol' generational difference.

My mom is constantly saying something about my hair. She's a bit of an
entertainer so she likes to have an audience too. When I feel the per-
formance about to begin, that is, my heart starts to race and I feel warm
all over, my only statement is:

"Oh, well, this is the way God made me. I kinda like it."

That's it. She'll say something else but soon she has to drop it because I'm
just smilin' and shrugging my shoulders. I have too much other emotional
stuff going on in my head and on my heart to be wasting time arguing
with someone who will NEVER like my nappy hair.


A few weeks ago I let it slip that I was gonna straighten my hair so I could
check to see how long it is and you would think I told her I just saw Jesus
at Target or something, :lol:
 
OP next time your mom brings up the subject of your hair while taking to her on the phone, just tell her that you have another important call on the other line and that you gotta go.

If it's in person, just get up and go to the bathroom for about 5 minutes. If you come back out and she's persisting, tell her you do not want to talk about it and you do not want her to talk about your hair.

I thank God i have a wonderful mother who has never had hangups about my hair and what i did to it. She even held her tongue when i chopped it all off.


You don't have to bring your mom into your way of thinking, the results will speak for themselves.

(((hugs)))
 
Basically, your mom cannot argue with herself. In whatever way you can, do not
feed into her insecurities. Don't let her project her feelings onto you :bighug:
 
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