So this is what he tells me

[sheedahp]

Ive attempted to end this 5 yr long relationship several times this year but the seperations didnt last. I finally ended it about a month ago for good. I asked him why when I told him how I felt that this relationship is at a standstill and I wasnt happy all he could say is, "well what do you want to do", his response was....

I truly understand how you feel and appreciate your patience over the years. Unfortunately, I have grown weary of the roller coaster associated with this relationship. One minute your fine with our relationship, the next your wanting time to rethink the relationship. If you recall correctly, I said, "if you decide to walk away from our relationship in the future, it would have a lasting effect." I meant every word and it is my intention to stand strong behind those words. You may question my love or unwillingness to fight at this point. You may say that I just don't care but deep within you know this is far from the truth.. One thing you mentioned that is of truth is I've allowed my past experiences to form a barricade around my heart. I feel this is an issue for me and there's no need in me allowing my barrier to become another's obstacle. You are a wonderful woman, this I never question. The time has come for you to be wonderful for someone more deserving. You made your decision weeks ago and reaffirmed it with a recent email dated . Therefore, my response is only an extension of what you already feel and shouldn't be taken negatively. We have our friendship and I'm sure that will continue but anything beyond friendship is a lost cause at this point. Love always,

Boy do I feel like s**t!!

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Succinctly stated, he's not that into you!

Let him go girl and run while you can. Better to end this now then later. You deserve better!

 

[tiara76]

why do you feel like ****..

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Ive attempted to end this 5 yr long relationship several times this year but the seperations didnt last. I finally ended it about a month ago for good. I asked him why when I told him how I felt that this relationship is at a standstill and I wasnt happy all he could say is, "well what do you want to do", his response was....

I truly understand how you feel and appreciate your patience over the years. Unfortunately, I have grown weary of the roller coaster associated with this relationship. One minute your fine with our relationship, the next your wanting time to rethink the relationship. If you recall correctly, I said, "if you decide to walk away from our relationship in the future, it would have a lasting effect." I meant every word and it is my intention to stand strong behind those words. You may question my love or unwillingness to fight at this point. You may say that I just don't care but deep within you know this is far from the truth.. One thing you mentioned that is of truth is I've allowed my past experiences to form a barricade around my heart. I feel this is an issue for me and there's no need in me allowing my barrier to become another's obstacle. You are a wonderful woman, this I never question. The time has come for you to be wonderful for someone more deserving. You made your decision weeks ago and reaffirmed it with a recent email dated . Therefore, my response is only an extension of what you already feel and shouldn't be taken negatively. We have our friendship and I'm sure that will continue but anything beyond friendship is a lost cause at this point. Love always,

Boy do I feel like s**t!!

Sounds to me like there was a lot of back and fourth on your part (based on what you said about trying to end the relationship five times just this year) sounds like you tested him right out the door. I thnk you both deserve exactly what each of you want. However this one is over. Been there done that. Learn and grow. I love my ex with all my heart, but I know...I wouldn't want to go through that door if I could. Too much damage done on my part. Live and learn. When a man has made up his mind, there is nothing you can do. What we think is cute and cat and mouse, they are not going to put up with for only so long.

 

[anon123]

Isn't this what you wanted? He didn't really say anything mean or insulting to you. You keep trying to end it because you feel like it isn't going anywhere. It still isn't going anywhere, right? It sounds like, wherever you wanted this relationship to go, he wasn't interested in taking it there. So it looks like this is all for the best. This is actually pretty decent terms to part on. No reason to feel like ****. I'm sure it hurts after a 5-year relationship, but it really sounds like it was for the best.

 

[lesedi]

Hmmm.... i hate how men pull the 'rational/logical' card. He didn't say anything mean but it was quite formal considering you spent 5 years of your life with him.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

Im just sorry you feel badly. It's a normal feeling after a breakup.

 

[sheedahp]

I dont know why I feel like s**t, I just do. I guess I just dont like to hurt people and I feel that I have hurt him even though he's hurt me as well. I wasnt playing cat and mouse, it was more of me talking to him about my feelings and that it was at the point of me wanting to leave the relationship and I do feel Ive done the right thing by finalizing it because it wasnt going to go anywhere based on his confession of having a baracade around his heart, he is not a forgiving type person and no matter how good you are or apologetic you are he shuts down. I wasnt looking for answers or a way to try to fix this beause I know its over, I just wanted to share this with you.

 

[Irresistible]

I dont know why I feel like s**t, I just do. I guess I just dont like to hurt people and I feel that I have hurt him even though he's hurt me as well. I wasnt playing cat and mouse, it was more of me talking to him about my feelings and that it was at the point of me wanting to leave the relationship and I do feel Ive done the right thing by finalizing it because it wasnt going to go anywhere based on his confession of having a baracade around his heart, he is not a forgiving type person and no matter how good you are or apologetic you are he shuts down. I wasnt looking for answers or a way to try to fix this beause I know its over, I just wanted to share this with you.

you can be doing the right thing and knowing what you gotta do and it still not feel good, because its not what you ultimately wanted in the first place

its ok for you to hurt

5 years is a long time

I'm sure you hoped you had made some kind of break through with his barricades in that time

but know when your fighting a losing battle and let go , as you have, and its normal to hurt or feel pain after a break up

even when its the only thing left to do

it will get better tho

 

[firecracker]

Oh hell puck em and feed em fish! NEXT!!!!!

 

[Ediese]

Sounds to me like there was a lot of back and fourth on your part (based on what you said about trying to end the relationship five times just this year) sounds like you tested him right out the door. I thnk you both deserve exactly what each of you want. However this one is over. Been there done that. Learn and grow. I love my ex with all my heart, but I know...I wouldn't want to go through that door if I could. Too much damage done on my part. Live and learn. When a man has made up his mind, there is nothing you can do. What we think is cute and cat and mouse, they are not going to put up with for only so long.

Totally agree. I've been there and done that too. I think I woke up one day, and realized that one of my past relationships wasn't going anywhere. I don't know how many times I ended it, but when I started missing him, I'd try to get back together. It came to a point where he had enough. He said I was crazy though because one day I was happy, and the next I kept complaining about how bad things were. lol Anyway, I had to come to terms that the relationship just wasn't right for me, and then I was able to truly move on.

 

[ThickHair]

It sounds like you really didn't want it to be over. You wanted something to hit him suddenly and for him to realize that you were good for him. Since he didn't, now you are feeling some sorta way about it. Yeah it is sad, but if he was really "iffy" with his feelings, then this ends well, you are now done with each other.

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

It goes back to that old saying...if you love something let it go..if it comes back to you then it was yours in the first place.....

Girl you sound like me, take some time to evaluate how you respond in relationships and if you see a pattern, pay attention to how you have responded to past boyfriends. Work on leaving those patterns and people in the past. He admits he is full of baggage and girl we all have a heavy enough load of our own we dont need to be sifting thru and disgarding someone elses.

Love doesnt fade, so love him but from a distance, find yourself in this situation, fall in love with her and them share that love with someone else who loves themselves also, we have no time to teach or hope that a person knows how....

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

here we go again....

imma call dis bama Teflon Don and imma tell u why....

the only reason why he said.."well what do u want to do" is because he wanted an out, but he wanted YOU to be the one to do it. then he goes on to say sumfin like...he appreciates your patience ova da years (patience of putting up wif his dogism, mood swings, etc), yaddi yaddi, calls it a roller-coaster ride (that means, everytime u question the validity or status of da relationship, he gets irritatated), and basically put everything on YOU and not take responsibility for his own actions. Meaning, he knews from jump he ain't wanna be bothered, but as long as u was sex'n him, then it was all coochie crunch. then he tries to sound all sophisticated n smooth n shyt tawkin bout some "The time has come for you to be wonderful for someone more deserving." Git da phuck outta hea....c'mon now. Then he tells you that the only truth to his madness is da fact that YOU mentioned his past issues of putting up a barricade around his heart. Then he goes on to say dat his response is onlyl an extension of what you already feel....

lemme tell u sumfin...dis guy is a smooth playa. he was out of da relationship long time ago. you just confirmed it for HIM. da bytch wasn't even man enuff to let you go along time ago. I don't think you and him were in a relationship for five years, I think YOU were in the relationship for the past 5 years. He was just a participant for "whateva" witchu.

Leave him alone..u did right. From what I read, he put everything on you. Everything u mentioned regarding the relationship, he threw it back on you, hence da name Teflon Don.

U shouldn't feel bad about ur decision....he's tryin to throw blame on you and not own up to anything cuz he wanted a way out. And it's workin cuz u feel bad, when u really shouldn't. Delete his numba from ur cell phone and I would cease all communications from him. But learn from this one and don't let anotha man get ova on u...especially via e-mail.

 

[Makenzie]

here we go again....

imma call dis bama Teflon Don and imma tell u why....

the only reason why he said.."well what do u want to do" is because he wanted an out, but he wanted YOU to be the one to do it. then he goes on to say sumfin like...he appreciates your patience ova da years (patience of putting up wif his dogism, mood swings, etc), yaddi yaddi, calls it a roller-coaster ride (that means, everytime u question the validity or status of da relationship, he gets irritatated), and basically put everything on YOU and not take responsibility for his own actions. Meaning, he knews from jump he ain't wanna be bothered, but as long as u was sex'n him, then it was all coochie crunch. then he tries to sound all sophisticated n smooth n shyt tawkin bout some "The time has come for you to be wonderful for someone more deserving." Git da phuck outta hea....c'mon now. Then he tells you that the only truth to his madness is da fact that YOU mentioned his past issues of putting up a barricade around his heart. Then he goes on to say dat his response is onlyl an extension of what you already feel....

lemme tell u sumfin...dis guy is a smooth playa. he was out of da relationship long time ago. you just confirmed it for HIM. da bytch wasn't even man enuff to let you go along time ago. I don't think you and him were in a relationship for five years, I think YOU were in the relationship for the past 5 years. He was just a participant for "whateva" witchu.

Leave him alone..u did right. From what I read, he put everything on you. Everything u mentioned regarding the relationship, he threw it back on you, hence da name Teflon Don.

U shouldn't feel bad about ur decision....he's tryin to throw blame on you and not own up to anything cuz he wanted a way out. And it's workin cuz u feel bad, when u really shouldn't. Delete his numba from ur cell phone and I would cease all communications from him. But learn from this one and don't let anotha man get ova on u...especially via e-mail.

For all your lighting up newports and hennesey drinking moments, your posts are always well written and very insightful. And ALWAYS hilarious.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

here we go again....

imma call dis bama Teflon Don and imma tell u why....

the only reason why he said.."well what do u want to do" is because he wanted an out, but he wanted YOU to be the one to do it. then he goes on to say sumfin like...he appreciates your patience ova da years (patience of putting up wif his dogism, mood swings, etc), yaddi yaddi, calls it a roller-coaster ride (that means, everytime u question the validity or status of da relationship, he gets irritatated), and basically put everything on YOU and not take responsibility for his own actions. Meaning, he knews from jump he ain't wanna be bothered, but as long as u was sex'n him, then it was all coochie crunch. then he tries to sound all sophisticated n smooth n shyt tawkin bout some "The time has come for you to be wonderful for someone more deserving." Git da phuck outta hea....c'mon now. Then he tells you that the only truth to his madness is da fact that YOU mentioned his past issues of putting up a barricade around his heart. Then he goes on to say dat his response is onlyl an extension of what you already feel....

lemme tell u sumfin...dis guy is a smooth playa. he was out of da relationship long time ago. you just confirmed it for HIM. da bytch wasn't even man enuff to let you go along time ago. I don't think you and him were in a relationship for five years, I think YOU were in the relationship for the past 5 years. He was just a participant for "whateva" witchu.

Leave him alone..u did right. From what I read, he put everything on you. Everything u mentioned regarding the relationship, he threw it back on you, hence da name Teflon Don.

U shouldn't feel bad about ur decision....he's tryin to throw blame on you and not own up to anything cuz he wanted a way out. And it's workin cuz u feel bad, when u really shouldn't. Delete his numba from ur cell phone and I would cease all communications from him. But learn from this one and don't let anotha man get ova on u...especially via e-mail.

Pretty much. Stop trying to get water from that desert pant! Let his own thorns stick him in the balls.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Pft @ people trying to blame it on him.

I agree with everything he said and have done the same before as well. I hate when you think you can keep dumping me, but I'll always be there "waiting for you to get it together."

 

[texasqt]

Exactly why are you calling it quits this time if you don't mind me asking? Do you believe he loves you?

I've had to learn from something similar. If you expected before hand for him to beg and plead for you not to leave him/you wanted some type of emotional respond from him and not what you got then I have to agree with TheLaurynDoll's post. Men are not emotional and they certainly are not perfect. He's not going to cry his eyes out for you to stay especially if there is nothing seriously wrong with your relationship and he has been a good man to you. This I don't know but just stating.

My SO loves the heck out of me and for the longest time I didn't believe it. I've broken up with him numerous times but he's taken every blow and he's still here but I promise you if I break up with him again he won't be back. Also, I've noticed that I tend to break up with him around my menstral cycle. Just something to think about...

If you have found that you aren't compatible with him and there are unresolved issues, then it's best to just move on. No it's not going to be easy but eventually it'll have to be done for good at some point in time. If not today, then tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Why waste that kind of time when life is short. No need in crying over spilt milk, right?

 

[TCatt86]

Totally agree. I've been there and done that too. I think I woke up one day, and realized that one of my past relationships wasn't going anywhere. I don't know how many times I ended it, but when I started missing him, I'd try to get back together. It came to a point where he had enough. He said I was crazy though because one day I was happy, and the next I kept complaining about how bad things were. lol Anyway, I had to come to terms that the relationship just wasn't right for me, and then I was able to truly move on.

I was in a relationship like this as well. He also told me I was crazy and bipolar because one minute I wanted the relationship and the next I didn't. Truth is deep down I knew he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and I struggled with loving him or stepping away and getting what I truly wanted. To the OP Of course you feel bad, you miss him, you loved him, but you know he's not the one for you.

 

[Stormy]

Well... it's what you wanted right? No, not really? Or did you just not expect that response from him? In any case, it'll be okay. You just need some time to heal. If you were going back and forth for all these years, it's probably for the best.

 

[Irresistible]

here we go again....

imma call dis bama Teflon Don and imma tell u why....

the only reason why he said.."well what do u want to do" is because he wanted an out, but he wanted YOU to be the one to do it. then he goes on to say sumfin like...he appreciates your patience ova da years (patience of putting up wif his dogism, mood swings, etc), yaddi yaddi, calls it a roller-coaster ride (that means, everytime u question the validity or status of da relationship, he gets irritatated), and basically put everything on YOU and not take responsibility for his own actions. Meaning, he knews from jump he ain't wanna be bothered, but as long as u was sex'n him, then it was all coochie crunch. then he tries to sound all sophisticated n smooth n shyt tawkin bout some "The time has come for you to be wonderful for someone more deserving." Git da phuck outta hea....c'mon now. Then he tells you that the only truth to his madness is da fact that YOU mentioned his past issues of putting up a barricade around his heart. Then he goes on to say dat his response is onlyl an extension of what you already feel....

lemme tell u sumfin...dis guy is a smooth playa. he was out of da relationship long time ago. you just confirmed it for HIM. da bytch wasn't even man enuff to let you go along time ago. I don't think you and him were in a relationship for five years, I think YOU were in the relationship for the past 5 years. He was just a participant for "whateva" witchu.

Leave him alone..u did right. From what I read, he put everything on you. Everything u mentioned regarding the relationship, he threw it back on you, hence da name Teflon Don.

U shouldn't feel bad about ur decision....he's tryin to throw blame on you and not own up to anything cuz he wanted a way out. And it's workin cuz u feel bad, when u really shouldn't. Delete his numba from ur cell phone and I would cease all communications from him. But learn from this one and don't let anotha man get ova on u...especially via e-mail.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Pft @ people trying to blame it on him.

I agree with everything he said and have done the same before as well. I hate when you think you can keep dumping me, but I'll always be there "waiting for you to get it together."

I think it boils down to the OP wanting to get married and he didn't (the OP does not come out and say that but I've seen a couple or a few DOZEN stories similar to hers in my day). I think women are so scared to be alone, that they dont tell a man in the early stages of a relationship what they want out of the relationship. The older I get, I guess the more I dont want to waste time. I would love to be in a realtionship in the next few months or so. However I make it known on the first date that I am dating and in no rush for a relationship, but the end result of dating is to get married. I have been rejected more times then I'd like to admit, BUT it is not because of that but other things (my weight or no sex before marriage thing ). If a man rejects you because of your desire to marry, then he is not what you need, because he is not going to eventually give you what you want (hence, more time wasted). Not worth it. If you are not engaged with a ring and a date (if marriage is the goal) after 2 years, the relationship is over, IMO.

 

[jada1111]

why do you feel like ****..

Yeah, I thought you were trying to end it. Shouldn't you be happy that he agrees with you?

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think it boils down to the OP wanting to get married and he didn't (the OP does not come out and say that but I've seen a couple or a few DOZEN stories similar to hers in my day). I think women are so scared to be alone, that they dont tell a man in the early stages of a relationship what they want out of the relationship. The older I get, I guess the more I dont want to waste time. I would love to be in a realtionship in the next few months or so. However I make it known on the first date that I am dating and in no rush for a relationship, but the end result of dating is to get married. I have been rejected more times then I'd like to admit, BUT it is not because of that but other things (my weight or no sex before marriage thing ). If a man rejects you because of your desire to marry, then he is not what you need, because he is not going to eventually give you what you want (hence, more time wasted). Not worth it. If you are not engaged with a ring and a date (if marriage is the goal) after 2 years, the relationship is over, IMO.

I feel you but...

1. In a relationship, married or "paired", you, the person, are either generally happy or you're not. The fact that someone has to keep taking a break to re-think things says something about them, not the other person. If you keep asking for something, then be sure you want it, because eventually you will get it, esp. playing with someone's emotions.

2. I'm not going to speculate on what it is OP really wanted. All she said is... "I've been trying to end this 5 year relationship... but I couldn't... and now I did.... and he stopped fighting me. When I asked him why... he basically reminded me that this is what I wanted." So she seems to realize.. she asked for it, and he gave her what she asked for.

Maybe what you said is true, but I don't see why people are so set to ask for a legal commitment when there is a struggle under the surface. Get the relationship together first, then legally solidify it when necessary.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

I'm sorry OP. But if you've been trying to break up with him and not trying to get him to admit his commitment, I don't know why you're feeling like ****. This is why we as women have to be DIRECT with men and stop saying things we really don't mean. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I feel you but...

1. In a relationship, married or "paired", you, the person, are either generally happy or you're not. The fact that someone has to keep taking a break to re-think things says something about them, not the other person. If you keep asking for something, then be sure you want it, because eventually you will get it, esp. playing with someone's emotions.

2. I'm not going to speculate on what it is OP really wanted. All she said is... "I've been trying to end this 5 year relationship... but I couldn't... and now I did.... and he stopped fighting me. When I asked him why... he basically reminded me that this is what I wanted." So she seems to realize.. she asked for it, and he gave her what she asked for.

Maybe what you said is true, but I don't see why people are so set to ask for a legal commitment when there is a struggle under the surface. Get the relationship together first, then legally solidify it when necessary.

I guess my post wasn't the clearest it could have been. I agree with what you said in your original post. I for one think that women have the majority of the control in relationships, we just some times find a way to mess up or settle for something or a relationship that we really don't want and think we can manipulate it to be what we want (break up, mend...break up, mend, etc). That pretty much never works. Especially when we opt to start playing the afore mentioned head-games. I think the OP can put a bow on it because this relationship is a wrap. However, in the future, she and all us women should learn to say what we want from day one. That way she didn't have to waste five years of her life for something that was never going to happen because he did not have the capacity/desire to give it to her. I think it is crucial to state what your ultimate purpose is with dating. If it is to just date, then say it; if it is to eventually marry -- say it. I think the OP would have gotten a good sense of what the long term potential of the relationship were after the first date. He would have never called her back and she would not have cared less. The OP described the relationship as being at a stand still after five years. The only other direction would be marriage after that long of a time together.

 

[Bunny77]

If I'm not mistaken, I think this man is the father of her child, and that's complicating the issue.