So...if cheating were inevitable, would you still want to get married?
- Thread starter aribell
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ClassicBeauty
New Member
Because it is NOT inevitable, I have a hard time answering this poll. It's kind of like the Goody Goody thread. I just can't answer.
I've been in a relationship where he talked of marriage, and I knew he would eventually be a cheater. I walked away from that relationship. There are some people who will cheat and others who won't.
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
I've been in a relationship where he talked of marriage, and I knew he would eventually be a cheater. I walked away from that relationship. There are some people who will cheat and others who won't.
I see what you mean. We walk away because we believe we'll find something better and don't have to settle for this.
I guess I still wonder if I didn't believe any man would be different if I would still seek to get married. I mean, I can see why women might stay once they're already married, have kids, etc. But to go into marriage expecting it...I don't know.
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locabouthair
Well-Known Member
No, I wouldn't. I just cant do that to myself.
JFemme
Well-Known Member
Marriage is so much more than the human frailties that can plague it...
People get married everyday despite compelling evidence that perhaps its not all is cracked up to be...
And nothing is promised to anyone in this life...
Just do your best to choose the best person for you.
And it would not hurt to read on up on the history of marriage, monogamy as such...
My perspective grew/eased once I understood the forces underneath the reasoning.
(I'm not saying I condone nor expect cheating to occur, but that I understand the 'how' and that has opened my eyes, shifted my focus to living fully rather than worrying...)
People get married everyday despite compelling evidence that perhaps its not all is cracked up to be...
And nothing is promised to anyone in this life...
Just do your best to choose the best person for you.
And it would not hurt to read on up on the history of marriage, monogamy as such...
My perspective grew/eased once I understood the forces underneath the reasoning.
(I'm not saying I condone nor expect cheating to occur, but that I understand the 'how' and that has opened my eyes, shifted my focus to living fully rather than worrying...)
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ClassicBeauty
New Member
I'm just saying that you don't have to know because it's not inevitable that all men will cheat. Don't waste your thoughts. Just find one that won't.
Sistaslick
New Member
I would still get married. But we'd have to have a "Big Love" situation kind of thing going. She'd have to marry me too. 
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
I would still get married. But we'd have to have a "Big Love" situation kind of thing going. She'd have to marry me too.
So, polygamy before cheating, huh? Interesting.
Marriage is so much more than the human frailties that can plague it...
People get married everyday despite compelling evidence that perhaps its not all is cracked up to be...
And nothing is promised to anyone in this life...
Just do your best to choose the best person for you.
And it would not hurt to read on up on the history of marriage, monogamy as such...
My perspective grew/eased once I understood the forces underneath the reasoning.
(I'm not saying I condone nor expect cheating to occur, but that I understand the 'how' and that has opened my eyes, shifted my focus to living fully rather than worrying...)
You say things so much better than I do.
I agree, Once you understand the dynamics you can put it all in its proper perspective. Both partners can have realistic viewpoints and move beyond any idealized "story book" that neither partner can duplicate or live up to...
tocktick
Well-Known Member
Imo, this question really means, if you knew the following would be inevitable:
* catching aids or another STD from a man supposed to honour/love/protect you
* having to deal with "outside kids" that are the product of your man's infidelity
* constantly wondering about your own self-worth
* having to fight for time between one or more other women
* have a man who is not really there
...would you still get married?
Imo, it's madness to say yes. Even if you set "ground-rules" for this cheating and told him to be discreet, the chances of him even giving a damn about the arrangement you have is slim to none since cheating is a non-issue. Furthermore, I feel if I'm going to put up with this just for the sake of saying I am married and having the crumbs of a crappy man, then something is wrong on multiple levels with my life and myself as a human being. Imo, this is not something I could deal with. So my answer is no.
eta: In my mind, cheating is a selfish and sneaky act. Sure they can be multiple reasons why one cheats but I still don't approve and feel it's best for someone to sooner leave a marriage if they feel they're going to have an issue being faithful and can work through such feelings with counselling etc. However, many people are too selfish and comfortable to do this. Open relationships and the like are not the same - that's a different situation where there tends to be a level of honesty.
* catching aids or another STD from a man supposed to honour/love/protect you
* having to deal with "outside kids" that are the product of your man's infidelity
* constantly wondering about your own self-worth
* having to fight for time between one or more other women
* have a man who is not really there
...would you still get married?
Imo, it's madness to say yes. Even if you set "ground-rules" for this cheating and told him to be discreet, the chances of him even giving a damn about the arrangement you have is slim to none since cheating is a non-issue. Furthermore, I feel if I'm going to put up with this just for the sake of saying I am married and having the crumbs of a crappy man, then something is wrong on multiple levels with my life and myself as a human being. Imo, this is not something I could deal with. So my answer is no.
eta: In my mind, cheating is a selfish and sneaky act. Sure they can be multiple reasons why one cheats but I still don't approve and feel it's best for someone to sooner leave a marriage if they feel they're going to have an issue being faithful and can work through such feelings with counselling etc. However, many people are too selfish and comfortable to do this. Open relationships and the like are not the same - that's a different situation where there tends to be a level of honesty.
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aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
Good points. If you could control the how, why, when, with whom of someone's unfaithfulness, as well as its consequences, so that it always came out such that you all could just go to counseling and fix the issue and be happy again, well, that'd be something entirely different. But IRL, marrying someone who's ability to be faithful seems questionable just seems like inviting all of the above into your life.
I think that I can accept that my husband may very well cheat without expecting it of him from the outset...since if any man I date indicates an inability to be faithful or a weakness with respect to women, I won't hesitate to let him go.
moonglowdiva
New Member
Because I trust God and believe that He sent His son Jesus to die for my sins on Calvery. God is able to do ALL things. He can send me a man that won't cheat. He can make me a woman that don't cheat. I do not doubt. I believe. To me it makes the question pointless and it question my faith as a christian. It give the devil annumition.
But this is just how I see it.
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
I feel you.
Nicola, I'm glad you started this thread.
I will say that ALL marriages have their ISSUES, I just don't personally believe that CHEATING is going to be an issue in EVERY marriage. But I think I more than explained that on the last thread
For example, I'm sure if you spoke to a couple that's been married for 50+ years, they would tell you things that you wouldn't believe.
My grandparents were married almost 60 years. When my grandfather was dying, he shared some very private things about he and my grandmother's marriage that only they knew...but cheating was not a part of it. Do I know 100%? No, but I truly do believe it. He shared some things that went on that I never would have expected. Every marriage has secrets that only the spouses know. IN some cases, that will involve cheating, but in other cases, I think it will be something else.
That's why I say, don't go into marriage thinking that you are marrying Mr. Perfect. Mr. Right is Mr. Perfectly Imperfect, and so are you.
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
Women cheat just as often as men do...
(just saying
They sure do. And I believe that many of them are actually better at getting away with it than the men (sadly)
aribell
formerly nicola.kirwan
They sure do. And I believe that many of them are actually better at getting away with it than the men (sadly)
I was thinking the same thing. I wonder why that is.
I feel you.
Nicola, I'm glad you started this thread.
I will say that ALL marriages have their ISSUES, I just don't personally believe that CHEATING is going to be an issue in EVERY marriage. But I think I more than explained that on the last thread
For example, I'm sure if you spoke to a couple that's been married for 50+ years, they would tell you things that you wouldn't believe.
My grandparents were married almost 60 years. When my grandfather was dying, he shared some very private things about he and my grandmother's marriage that only they knew...but cheating was not a part of it. Do I know 100%? No, but I truly do believe it. He shared some things that went on that I never would have expected. Every marriage has secrets that only the spouses know. IN some cases, that will involve cheating, but in other cases, I think it will be something else.
That's why I say, don't go into marriage thinking that you are marrying Mr. Perfect. Mr. Right is Mr. Perfectly Imperfect, and so are you.
Yikes! I think I agree w/ Coco...HELP!
(Just giving you love, Girl)
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
Marriage is so much more than the human frailties that can plague it...
People get married everyday despite compelling evidence that perhaps its not all is cracked up to be...
And nothing is promised to anyone in this life...
Just do your best to choose the best person for you.
And it would not hurt to read on up on the history of marriage, monogamy as such...
My perspective grew/eased once I understood the forces underneath the reasoning.
(I'm not saying I condone nor expect cheating to occur, but that I understand the 'how' and that has opened my eyes, shifted my focus to living fully rather than worrying...)
Lovely post!
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
I agree with this!
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
[/b]
Yikes! I think I agree w/ Coco...HELP!
(Just giving you love, Girl)
I love everyone at this board!I definitely don't think that anyone is perfect. I agree with JFemme. I don't think you can spend your life being paranoid either
cocoberry10
Well-Known Member
I agree with your whole post.
I have varied views of cheating (when it DOES happen in a marriage). Although I don't think it happens in every long term marriage, I do realize that some people are in lifeless marriages, and that cheating can be a very complex thing....but I still don't think everyone does it
I do think humans are complicated and life doesn't make much sense.
Ultimately, the more I learn, the less I realize I know!
tocktick
Well-Known Member
I agree with your whole post.
I have varied views of cheating (when it DOES happen in a marriage). Although I don't think it happens in every long term marriage, I do realize that some people are in lifeless marriages, and that cheating can be a very complex thing....but I still don't think everyone does it
I do think humans are complicated and life doesn't make much sense.
Ultimately, the more I learn, the less I realize I know!
@ bold - for sure, I agree. However, I think that if both parties in a long term marriage/relationship are up front with each other about seeing other people in order to get some kind of fulfilment, that doesn't bother me. It's when people become sneaky and deceptive about their actions big problems arise. I can see marriage working where a partner seeks something they can't get in their partner in another person - if the relationship was honest about this and the other partner accepting of such actions.
If in a long marriage, a partner is feeling some kind of itch they want to scratch, then there should be honest and open communication, especially if you're 20, 30, 40 etc years deep. If you can't speak up, then move on because there are deeper issues at play, imo. People come with excuses about why things may be stopping them from leaving a long marriage but imo it all boils down to being selfish/wanting the best of both worlds.
One final point: imo, I feel that the long term marriages where people cheated discreetly was an era where there was another moral code/standard. Divorce was more frowned upon, mistresses were not openly tolerated and couples were in empty shell marriages to keep up appearances. However, they did their dirt on the side anyway. In a lot of cases, I think they eventually simmered down and just focused on each other as they got older and realised they were all they really had.
In my mind, I don't see why this kind of behaviour needs to continue on for couples of my parents or my own generation today, especially in the western world. I'm more tolerant of the older generations doing that mess but now...not so much.
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Southernbella.
Well-Known Member
Marriage is so much more than the human frailties that can plague it...
People get married everyday despite compelling evidence that perhaps its not all is cracked up to be...
And nothing is promised to anyone in this life...
Just do your best to choose the best person for you.
And it would not hurt to read on up on the history of marriage, monogamy as such...
My perspective grew/eased once I understood the forces underneath the reasoning.
(I'm not saying I condone nor expect cheating to occur, but that I understand the 'how' and that has opened my eyes, shifted my focus to living fully rather than worrying...)
This is such a great post. Not enough thanks for this!
Gigi-07
New Member
I totally agree.
LBoogie
Well-Known Member
naijamerican
Well-Known Member
Marriage is so much more than the human frailties that can plague it...
People get married everyday despite compelling evidence that perhaps its not all is cracked up to be...
And nothing is promised to anyone in this life...
Just do your best to choose the best person for you.
And it would not hurt to read on up on the history of marriage, monogamy as such...
My perspective grew/eased once I understood the forces underneath the reasoning.
(I'm not saying I condone nor expect cheating to occur, but that I understand the 'how' and that has opened my eyes, shifted my focus to living fully rather than worrying...)
I love this whole post, but the first sentence is so beautiful, profound, and true.
It also gives me hope.
SelahOco
Well-Known Member
If I knew he was going to "cheat?" No. I actually know someone who feels that EVERY man will cheat. She doesn't chastise her son for doing it, she only gets on his case if he is not "respectful" with it.
Her husband cheats and she cheats. Out of "respect" they hide it from each other. As jaded as she is, one morning she got up, packed her stuff and left. She said she rolled over and looked at him and just didn't want to do it anymore.
She ended up staying in the marriage...but for such a die hard believer in the inevitability of fidelity, she sure is broken deep, deep inside. I think it's part of the human make up to want your man/woman all to yourself.
But there are societies that operate outside of monogamy...but I often wonder if the women/men feel "a ways" about it deep down inside. The way I'm socialized...I'd take single-hood over infidelity any day.
Her husband cheats and she cheats. Out of "respect" they hide it from each other. As jaded as she is, one morning she got up, packed her stuff and left. She said she rolled over and looked at him and just didn't want to do it anymore.
She ended up staying in the marriage...but for such a die hard believer in the inevitability of fidelity, she sure is broken deep, deep inside. I think it's part of the human make up to want your man/woman all to yourself.
But there are societies that operate outside of monogamy...but I often wonder if the women/men feel "a ways" about it deep down inside. The way I'm socialized...I'd take single-hood over infidelity any day.
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