Since I raised my standards...I have not dated much...you?

[Smiley79]

Since I raised my standards...my dating life declined.

Yup, I barely am approached or meet any one...I been single for almost 6 years now. No matter how busy you stay, it sucks being single most times.

Based on a thread I was just posting in, it made me wonder about this topic. While replying to the post, I realized that my single blues went into overdrive when my standards raised up. I confess, I used to put up with and allow a lot of foolishness just to "be with" someone rather than validate my self worth by waiting for quality men. I would ignore many signs thinking that "he'd be better or change". (yea, the foolish days in my young 20serplexed) But thanks to my Bible studys, patience, a change in who I keep as company and a lot of hard work in myself, I'm in a wayyyyy better place and I have more realistic and quality expectations of what to look for in a man now. I tactfully yet firmly decline anything less and dont even allow myself to start a single thing with someone that I know is not along those pages. Unfortunately, I not feel invisible, I can count on a few fingers how many men have approached me in the past 5+ years. It makes me sad sometimes. ( Ladies, just to be clear, please understand when I say I "raided my standards" I'm not talking about outrageous expectations or standards, so please do not get the idea that I'm waiting for a man dipped in gold with a red bow on top to land at my front door and cook me dinner 7 days a week , massage my feet and pay all my bills).
Anyways, did any of you notice a decline in your dating once you raised your standards of what your deserve in a man or did you notice no changes. I'i'm curious.

 

[JayAtlanta]

Don't lower your standards for nothing. But then again, maybe you're standards are a little... Whats the word I'm looking for.... (Somebody help me out here) unrealistic? (even though you're saying they aren't)

You say you can count on your hand how many guy's you've been approached by, then maybe you should take a look at yourself and see what you're doing wrong. Do you act mean or unapproachable? Are you fat? (sorry just being real...I'm a dude) .. Do you look at a man and automatically think he doesn't fit your standards without even knowing him, then you shut off and come off as unapproachable?


Hmm...

By the way, sorry for any spelling errors, I'm on IE right.

 

[LongTimeComing]

Yes, I noticed a decline.

I starting to spend more time at the places where I might find what I am looking for and it's getting a little better (art events, libraries, excercising vs the club and the yard in college).

 

[lushcoils]

This is interesting. How often did you get approached before you raised your standards? I don't think raising your standards should dramatically decrease the attention you get, though it should dramatically increase the quality.

It might be where you are surrounding yourself...Bible studies... what percentage of people in these Bible studies you attend are single, attractive, straight men that you would date?

In the other thread you said: "beaches, parks, library's, shopping, dinning, vintage shopping, activities with my Church and so forth"

Church activities tend to be female dominated. Same with vintage shopping. Dining, libraries, parks, and beaches are fine, but if you are not the type that man randomly approach maybe you should focus more on co-ed places/activities that encourage social interactions.


Also, do you mind sharing what you are looking for?

 

[LongTimeComing]

Church was a huge bust for me. As lushcoils said it female dominated.

 

[Smiley79]

I totally agree, and that's my point...I should have been more clear though. My point is that while I fixed one area in my life (that of being more selective of who I choose to date or give my time too) it opened another area which is there aren't as many available men who are date-worthy or into serious straight forward dating. There are some out there...but not as many. What makes this conversation interesting and perhaps a bit confusing is that me saying "raising my standards" can vary from person to person. So wthe standards that I have chosen to set may be unrealistic to some or possibly even substandard to the next. Honestly I was too lazy to take this thread in thr dirction of defining "your standards" but I trust everyone has them suited to their desires and that we don't compromise our self worth as women.

I'm not fat, lol, I'm in shape and keep up with myself. Interstingly, I am open to the idea that there could be somethings that I'm doing wrong and don't even realize. I been single so long that sometimes I feel like "I lost it" whatever "it"is, lol. You see, I don't even know what it is anymore! Lol. Sort of like i've become so used to being single and am so used to my ways to the point that I could be doing something wrong and be thinking its perfectly fine. Maybe i'l ask a couple close friends about that...honest feedback wouldn't hurt.

Excuse my typos...I'm using my phone ina hurry.

 

[Syrah]

Yep. Decline in quantity. Huge increase in quality.

It'll take some time before you fall into your "groove", but be patient and be approachable.

And don't forget to ask yourself if you are mirroring what you want to seek. It doesn't mean you have to step out the house dressed to the nines, but if dating and mating is truly about reflections, you've got to at least hint that you are what you hope to attract...

 

[Smiley79]

Good points Lush...those are female dominated activities...and overall I guess I do make myself unappoachable, I'm not doing it on purpose but maybe that the reason for the decline. Before I raised my standards, I was not selective. I would trust everyone and give everyone a chance. I have a very big heart and love to see the good in people and believe people. As I grew older and wiser I came to understand there is work that goes into dating especially if you have intentions of of pursuing long term relationships-marriage. Another thing I used to do wrong was date guys who I sensed had no desire for serious relationships but I thought it would be different with me. So little things that you can usually pick right off the bat were amongst the silly mistakes I made and this would waste my time.

 

[Smiley79]

Yep. Decline in quantity. Huge increase in quality.

It'll take some time before you fall into your "groove", but be patient and be approachable.

And don't forget to ask yourself if you are mirroring what you want to seek. It doesn't mean you have to step out the house dressed to the nines, but if dating and mating is truly about reflections, you've got to at least hint that you are what you hope to attract...

Well said. Thank you for your post..these words came at the right time. Thank you.

 

[softblackcotton]

Does raising standards include age limits? I just met a man who seems really sweet and is very attracted to me, but he is TOO OLD for me. He seems to be in about his mid 40's and I am in 26. He bought my lunch 5 minutes after meeting me, said he would be my slave, gave me a free raffle ticket for cruise, and has been blowing up my phone since I met him this past weekend. However, I just don't want him. I want a YOUNGER MAN. I hope that's not too shallow.

Part of my standards include men in my age cohort..My experience is just toolittle to have someone with so much possible HISTORY and BAGGAGE. I am just not into the many of the older men who have approaching me. I don't want my first relationship ever to be with someone who is my dad's age or close. 5 years older is my limit. I do get a few young guys my age or younger, but I notice many, more older men approaching. I don't know why because I am often told that I look much younger than 26. I don't count them towards the number of guys that approach me, because according to a couple of my associates, these older men approach any young thing. Just for the sake of having a young thing. I am not flattered.

Also my insistence on platonic, friendship "getting to know YOU first" dating, has caused me to have less dates. Most times I don't get past the talking on the phone/texting stage. Guys find me out really quick. I am waiting for marriage kind of girl. I don't care for wasting their or my time because I hate fake dating. I just tell them outright, I am not into kissing, hugging, pet-name calling, romantic stuff with strange men that I do not know. I want to KNOW EVERYTHING about you, before I could get into to you to naturally want to do all that stuff. I find it QUITE gross to be so affectionate with a basically stranger who I've only met a few days, weeks, or months ago.

SHOOT I feel like I am going to be single forever, if I don't slut it up and move fast. I refuse to disrespect myself in that way.

 

[LiftedUp]

My standards has been always high hence me having only two bfs beyond the age of 19

Also my friend got every single thing on her list. He is well educated, has a great job, great family background, loving, kind and gentle and he even called her up one day professing his love to her and promised that he'll work hard to take care of her and their future family and that she'll never want for anything again (also on her list).

So it can and will happen, I'm not worried about dating random placeholders in between

 

[Keshieshimmer]

Does raising standards include age limits? I just met a man who seems really sweet and is very attracted to me, but he is TOO OLD for me. He seems to be in about his mid 40's and I am in 26. He bought my lunch 5 minutes after meeting me, said he would be my slave, gave me a free raffle ticket for cruise, and has been blowing up my phone since I met him this past weekend. However, I just don't want him. I want a YOUNGER MAN. I hope that's not too shallow.

Run girl...be your slave? I am 26 as well, I would not date someone in my parent's age bracket.

Also my insistence on platonic, friendship "getting to know YOU first" dating, has caused me to have less dates. Most times I don't get past the talking on the phone/texting stage. Guys find me out really quick. I am waiting for marriage kind of girl. I don't care for wasting their or my time because I hate fake dating. I just tell them outright, I am not into kissing, hugging, pet-name calling, romantic stuff with strange men that I do not know. I want to KNOW EVERYTHING about you, before I could get into to you to naturally want to do all that stuff. I find it QUITE gross to be so affectionate with a basically stranger who I've only met a few days, weeks, or months ago.

Really even in you knew the person for 2 or 3 months? No hugging? Girl you need to open up a bit. But then again this is just my opinion.

SHOOT I feel like I am going to be single forever, if I don't slut it up and move fast. I refuse to disrespect myself in that way.

Being a slut is not hugging every man you see.

 

[softblackcotton]

Being a slut is not hugging every man you see.

okay maybe I exaggerated a bit there. I would be willing to hug and maybe some close-mouthed kisses after few months and the guy turns out to be good. However, I have to limit it to PG kisses and hugs, I am not into getting myself into situations in which things can go too far and I'll regret. why tempt and tease yourself as such. I don't think I'm that strong to resist if somebody does the right things.