*sigh* I really do love him but...

[FlowerHair]

I don't think you should do it, unless you feel that there is some other, underlying reason for it - like maybe just maybe he isn't the right man for you and you want to think about that for a while?

If you are willing to risk the whole relationship, then do it. Chances are that he might just not want to wait that whole year...

If you do approach him, be willing to compromise. Maybe not 1 year, but 6 months? You know.

Best of luck.

 

[changedname]

I was in this situation earlier on this year. I'd say please remember that:

1) There are plenty of men out there. Never, ever put your life on hold for a man. You will regret it.
2) Life is short and your twenties are an amazing time that you will never get back. Enjoy being young! When you settle down and have children you can never ever turn the clock back.
3) 1 year/6 months is nothing when the average life span for a woman in Western countries is somewhere in the 80's/70's.
4) There is nothing worse than a life full of regrets.
5) People have fought and died for you, as a black woman, to be able to live pretty much where you want, eat where you want, travel where you want to, work where you want to etc. We live in amazing times. Take these opportunities and run with them.

These are some points that inspired my decision. I spoke to my Grandparents, mother, father, friends, sister, you name it. I think as black women, we sometimes feel that if we meet a good man, we shouldn't ever put the relationship in jeopardy because we might not meet another 'good' black man. But of you marry and you are not 100% happy within the marriage, there will be nothing this man could do to make you happy, because you are not happy within yourself. Just make sure that before you do marry you have done everything you want to do. Please. And if you do decide to marry him having thought things through, please don't resent him. You made the decision.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I forgot about this thread. We broke up . . .

 

[DayStar]

^^ that sucks!

 

[bimbabe]

Awww....but if you were having doubts it was for the best.

How are you adjusting?

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

^^ that sucks!

Who you telling

What sucks even more is I think I regret it . . . But there's no going back now.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Awww....but if you were having doubts it was for the best.

How are you adjusting?

Not very well. I miss him so much. I find myself crying every night. It's been about 3 weeks now . . . I wish I hadn't done it, but if I hadn't I think I would have regretted that as well.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Just came in to give you a hug

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Just came in to give you a hug

Thank you Honeycomb. I haven't really told anyone besides my family and my closet friends. Coincidentally his best friend just got dumped by his fiance as well, and they were supposed to get married next month. So me and her have been talking a lot and hanging out trying to help each other keep our minds off them.

It's weird, I was the one who broke up with him but I feel like I was the one who got dumped . . .

 

[JustKiya]

Oh, wow,

I'm sorry, but it's better to regret not marrying a man than it is to regret marrying him.

I hope you heal swiftly, and your doubts are soothed.

 

[bimbabe]

(((HUGS))) Lamaravilla!!!!
I think you are gutsy.
The pain will pass with time.

 

[zenith]

Oh, wow,

I'm sorry, but it's better to regret not marrying a man than it is to regret marrying him.

I agree.
I struggled with breaking up with the last man i dated, feeling like a made a mistake leaving him.
But the inner me was not happy in the relationship- he is a really good guy but, for some reason beyond me i just wasn't 100% happy.

Lamaravilla you will be fine. Take it one day at a time.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Thank you ladies, I knew you all would understand. Everyone in my life is like, "why are you sad, you left him". Yeah I left him, someone who has been a huge part of my life for 6 years . . .

We were talking everyday still, but I can't do that anymore. It makes me miss him more

 

[krikit96]

Oh honey... I'm sorry you are hurting...

Can I ask how you approached it and how he reacted... and what led up to the decision to break up?

Just wondering, because I am one of the women who lived on my own for a good minute, but I still wonder what could have been.

I am now 31, with a 6, 3 and 1 year old. My husbands work schedule forces me to go thru alot of changes with MY OWN job,PLUS I'm in school and the burden of the responsibility of the children ALWAYS falls on me... I too sometimes reminisce on the 'good ole days' when I could just get up in the middle of the night and run to the store, or stay out late and come home when I want... there is so much hassle with dressing 3 small children just for a trip to wal-mart for some milk, toothpaste and hair conditioner...

If it's meant to be, it'll be and maybe you two will reunite again, you've done it before when he moved to FL to be with you after a brief separation... but then again, don't go on hoping that this will be the case, keep moving in your life, finish school, move on your own... who knows what will be... but still I am interested to know how it all went down...

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I graduate in May. It's been the plan for the last year and a half that we would move to NY when I was done with grad-school. I recently had a job interview in NY, the company flew me in and everything.

I was offered the position, but it doesn't start till September. I was really excited, but he was upset. He said he wants to move back to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania where he is from and all his family is still there.

I think all this time he has been planning to move back home, I believe he figured he could convince me to move back to Pennsylvania. I told him it's not happening as I will not get a job offer like this in PA. He said he isn't moving to NY, he already moved once for me and if he's going to move again it's going to be back home.

I asked him why he has been leading me to believe he wanted to move to NY but he can't (or won't) give me an answer. I told him I can't do the long distance relationship again and if he isn't planing on going where I go we need to just separate right now rather than put it off till we actually move. He agreed . . .

He was upset and he said I played him He said he has given up so much for me and I'm being selfish. We continued talking every night the first couple of weeks, but I haven't spoken to him since this past Sunday. I haven't taken his calls or answered texts or emails.

I love him, I have been through so much with him, I can't begin to imagine myself with anyone else or being intimate with anyone else. And honestly I don't know if I want to take the job in NY now because I was just promoted at my current job . . .

I'm confused And all I know for sure is that I miss him sorely.

 

[naijamerican]

Oh wow Lamara... I am so sorry to hear of your break up.

But I did want to say, after reading this thread I see the value in knowing who you are, on your own terms, and allowing yourself to grow as a woman before you commit to marrying someone. I really admire you for your bravery in breaking up with a man that you've loved for the past 6 years. Maybe you two will end back up together; if that does end up happening, you will be more confident in many things that only time apart can teach you.

 

[dinanicole]

I say take that job girl!!
I'm assuming that the job is in NYC right?
The energy of that city will remind you to be excited to live your life
the way you want.
So much to do there and now U CAN DO IT!
Remember you wanted to live your life your way, do it and don't feel guilty.
I'm prayin 4 ya.

 

[AstroQueen77]

Well, maybe this is something that you just had to go through. I think if you love him and ultimately want to be with him, talk about getting back together. Things still can be worked out.

 

[Kneechay]

oh wow, I just saw this thread,



I have been where you were back in the day, and I know how it feels. I'm really sorry you're going through this; reading it gave me flashbacks. Congrats on the job offer and look towards the future, it's not bleak. I hope however things turn out, that you (and him) are happy.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Well I went on a date yesterday afternoon . . .

I've known the guy for about 2 years, we took some classes together, he graduated last year. It was nice, he picked me up from work and we went to this sushi restaurant, then we went go-carting!

I felt incredibly guilty when I got home, like I had just cheated on my ex or something. I don't want to jump into another relationship right away, but I don't want to sit at home crying and missing my ex either.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement

 

[brownelovely]

Well I went on a date yesterday afternoon . . .

I've known the guy for about 2 years, we took some classes together, he graduated last year. It was nice, he picked me up from work and we went to this sushi restaurant, then we went go-carting!

I felt incredibly guilty when I got home, like I had just cheated on my ex or something. I don't want to jump into another relationship right away, but I don't want to sit at home crying and missing my ex either.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement

Good for you! You can't sit around depressed all day, that's definitely not good for you.

The thing to remember is that you made the best decision for you right now. We always regret things in the future (the "what if's")...comes naturally but you have to focus on the fact that it was right at that point.

Hope your feeling better soon!!!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

*hugs*

If it is meant to be, it will be.

Take this for everything that happens. I wish you all the best.

 

[hopeful]

After reading your update I can tell you that you did the right thing. You just wanted to wait a little longer before getting married while he completely flipped the script and wanted to move to a completely different city. He knew how much you wanted to move to NY and intentionally misled you. Quit feeling guilty--he is not the one for you. Cut your losses and KIM. You are a smart cookie and you will be fine. And congrats on the job offer--that is wonderful news!!!