*sigh* I really do love him but...

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I want to be on my own for a while.

I have been with my fiance for 6 years now (6th anniversary will be in November). We met when I was 19, he was 23.

Back in 2005 I moved from up North to Florida with my family. We broke up for about a year as neither of us wanted to do the long distance relationship. He eventually relocated to Florida as we decided that we really do love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

We got engaged January 2009. I have been putting off an engagement and a wedding because I want to finish grad school, and I would hate for anything to derail my academic success. Whether it be a husband, a baby, whatever.

I graduate May 2010, and the plan was for us to take a vacation, get married in Europe travel for about 2 months then come home and settle into married adult life.

I don't know if I want to do it.... Don't get me wrong, I love the man with all my heart, and I could never see myself with anyone else. I just want to be independent for a little while before I make the transition into being someone's wife. In all my 25 years I have lived on my own once, and that was only for 6 months, otherwise I have always lived with my grandparents.

I still want to go on the trip and I want to get married eventually, just not right away... I'm scared to tell him as I don't want him to think I'm rejecting him, or don't love him. I can tell him I love him all I want, but if my actions say otherwise he will likely start to wonder.

Am I being ridiculous? Should I just get married as planned after graduation, or should I try to be completely independent for awhile? I just worry that one day I will be resentful about going straight from my grandparents home to my husband's home and never feel like I accomplished anything on my own.

What say you LHCF?

 

[JustKiya]

I totally understand where you are coming from, and respect that you are aware of it, now. I think that living on your own is healthy, and a good idea............

But at the same time, I don't know how your fiance will feel about delaying the wedding for a year, so that you can live on your own. I know, if it was me, I'm be giving a serious stankeye, and that's being real.

I'd talk to him about it, and see how he feels.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

*sigh*

Sending you a big hug, because I'm about to say something you don't want to hear.

You should NOT have taken the ring unless you were sure. I'm glad you haven't set a date, but this is something you should have BEEN talking to him about. He should know how you feel and by you keeping this to yourself, I think you're being just a little selfish. I would tell him, because it's only fair. I don't think you're being ridiculous, I think you're showing some very necessary maturity in knowing what you want. But I would have that talk with him now rather than later, and understand that there may be consequences. But this is your life and you have to do what you see fit.

I am curious as to why you think you'd be missing out on something, and why you haven't moved out prior to this, but I know life happens.

I wish you all the best, and congratulations.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

*sigh*
I am curious as to why you think you'd be missing out on something, and why you haven't moved out prior to this, but I know life happens.

I wish you all the best, and congratulations.

I lived on my own for about six months after moving to America from Jamaica. Then my grandparents decided they also wanted to live in the States so they moved. As their income is very limited, between my mother and myself we take care of them and their expenses. It's cheaper for me to live in a house that essentially I'm paying for, rather than pay their expenses and my own on top of that.

The thing is I am sure, absolutely 100% sure that I want to be his wife, just not in 7 months erplexed.

 

[TCatt86]

I don't think you are being ridiculous by any means, living on your own is a valuable experience. But exactly what do you feel you are missing out on if you don't? Is it worth possibly losing him? It is very possible if you tell him you need your space he will give it to you and never come back. Is that a risk you are willing to take? Talk to him, see how he feels.

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

Ultimately you have to do what is is that makes you happy.
I can't offer any advise but I wish you all the best.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I totally understand where you are coming from, and respect that you are aware of it, now. I think that living on your own is healthy, and a good idea............

But at the same time, I don't know how your fiance will feel about delaying the wedding for a year, so that you can live on your own. I know, if it was me, I'm be giving a serious stankeye, and that's being real.

I'd talk to him about it, and see how he feels.

I think he will be hurt, disappointed, upset....
I really do feel like I am being selfish because he has made so many sacrifices for me, and in all honesty, I haven't really sacrificed anything. The only time I can say I made a sacrifice for him was during this past year when he was really ill and I took care of him and was there for him throughout the entire cancer ordeal. And I didn't view that as a sacrifice as I wanted to do it.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

I don't think you are being ridiculous by any means, living on your own is a valuable experience. But exactly what do you feel you are missing out on if you don't? Is it worth possibly losing him? It is very possible if you tell him you need your space he will give it to you and never come back. Is that a risk you are willing to take? Talk to him, see how he feels.

What am I missing out on? I really don't know.... I just want to have my own for a while. My own apartment, where it's just me and no one else. I want to relocate to a bigger city, particularly because for my industry the job prospects would be better. I just want independence ....

Is it worth losing him for that opportunity? Not at all
And it really isn't something I want to risk, but I still want the opportunity.

 

[Bunny77]

I understand how you feel... this was always one reason that I never wanted to get married "young" (like under 25).

The only thing I would question is your feeling that you want to finish grad school before marrying. I think people underestimate how great it is to have a support system like a spouse in place while you are attending grad school and have someone helping you hold up a household, finances, etc., while you are working on that degree. That's how folks used to do it all the time.

As for the living on your own part, well, I do understand that a lot more. Since you never got to experience that freedom for a while, you might always wonder what it's like if you go straight into marriage.

I guess that in general, you have to prioritize what's most important for you, and also discuss your feelings with your guy.

 

[varaneka]

do you feel smothered? I think you might be able to do both & be independent but still be in a relationship...that's just my opinion.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

do you feel smothered? I think you might be able to do both & be independent but still be in a relationship...that's just my opinion.

No, I don't feel smothered. And I still want the relationship, I just don't want to be married immediately after finishing with school, which is what he wants, and pretty much what has been planned all along.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

The only thing I would question is your feeling that you want to finish grad school before marrying. I think people underestimate how great it is to have a support system like a spouse in place while you are attending grad school and have someone helping you hold up a household, finances, etc., while you are working on that degree. That's how folks used to do it all the time.

As for the living on your own part, well, I do understand that a lot more. Since you never got to experience that freedom for a while, you might always wonder what it's like if you go straight into marriage.
.

See, I already have that support system. He is pretty much my crutch right now, because I know I can be irresponsible with my money as he will be there to cover my expenses. Sounds awful, but he has always been like that. Also, without him motivating me and keeping me sane, I believe I would have dropped out a longtime ago...

 

[varaneka]

No, I don't feel smothered. And I still want the relationship, I just don't want to be married immediately after finishing with school, which is what he wants, and pretty much what has been planned all along.

oh okay I see now. well I think that he should try to understand at least a little since you're younger than him.

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

oh okay I see now. well I think that he should try to understand at least a little since you're younger than him.

Exactly!!!! He had his opportunity to be crazy and all that, he has been on his own since he was 18! I don't want to go buck wild or anything, lol, I just want my own little place, with my own bathroom, a cute little kitchen, with a pet possibly....

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I feel your situation. I waited 7 long years for the purposal and then I started in with the cold feet. I still sometimes struggle a little with it, I am on my own now for the first time ever and I'm 37! I went from my parent's home to being a single mother for 18 years to now living on my own in a cute little loft in downtown and I love it, but not as much as I love him. I am committed to fullfilling my year's long lease to give me some of that time I need/want. Maybe if you set an actual date in the near future, but not next year and explain that you need time to prepare and plan for the wedding (and marriage).
I really can't tell you what to do, but talking it out sooner than later seems like the best idea. I hope he would understand that you may need to experience life as your own boss and captain as a necessary and important part of development and will have enough love and respect for your relationship and faith that he will never be far from his true love.
I know that may sound corny, but so's love.

 

[tiara76]

do you feel as if you are dependent on him and maybe you want to take time for yourself to figure out who you are as a woman?

maybe you want to know if you can motivate yourself, have faith in yourself and keep yourself together and be able to bring a together woman into a relationship vs a woman who may just fall apart if he's not there to keep you together and the urge to take the time is to know for sure your true motivation for being with him or marrying him is not for him to be your crutch but because you truly love him....

there is a valid reason for your feelings and deep down you truly know what they are and your heart is bringing this to your attention for a reason

if space if what you need express it...know that you may take the chance in losing him if he doesn't understand what you are feeling, but having faith in love and knowing that if he is truly the one for you and you for him that it will work out...

way more people are fearful in love than they are faithful..thats where selfishness comes from

staying with him out of fear of losing him is not doing you or him any good and if you don't address your heart you will never be content and a discontented spirit will find ways to express itself in destructive behaviors that will cause discontentment in the relationship regardless....

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

do you feel as if you are dependent on him and maybe you want to take time for yourself to figure out who you are as a woman?

maybe you want to know if you can motivate yourself, have faith in yourself and keep yourself together and be able to bring a together woman into a relationship vs a woman who may just fall apart if he's not there to keep you together and the urge to take the time is to know for sure your true motivation for being with him or marrying him is not for him to be your crutch but because you truly love him....

there is a valid reason for your feelings and deep down you truly know what they are and your heart is bringing this to your attention for a reason

if space if what you need express it...know that you may take the chance in losing him if he doesn't understand what you are feeling, but having faith in love and knowing that if he is truly the one for you and you for him that it will work out...

way more people are fearful in love than they are faithful..thats where selfishness comes from

staying with him out of fear of losing him is not doing you or him any good and if you don't address your heart you will never be content and a discontented spirit will find ways to express itself in destructive behaviors that will cause discontentment in the relationship regardless....

That!!!! The bolded, is what I feel, I just didn't know how to express it.... Get out my head Tiara

While I have complete confidence in my love for him beyond what he does for me, I need to do for myself for once rather than always having him as my safety net and my caretaker.

Also I want to make my own decisions. Right now household problems and such my grandparents need to be consulted. When you get married household decisions and financial decisions have to be a joint venture. I want to make my own decisions without worrying about anyone else's opinion...

 

[Bunny77]

See, I already have that support system. He is pretty much my crutch right now, because I know I can be irresponsible with my money as he will be there to cover my expenses. Sounds awful, but he has always been like that. Also, without him motivating me and keeping me sane, I believe I would have dropped out a longtime ago...

Maybe when you tell him, you should kinda piggyback off the bolded... that you haven't had a chance to really "grow up" and be responsible, and that you feel that until you can do that on your own, you'll feel like a crutch and not an equal partner.

Obviously, say it however works best for you, but I hope you got the idea.

 

[Highly Favored8]

I just wanted to say that I been down that road. Congratulations on graduating in 2010. You have to really sit down and think about what marriage really means and the responsiblity it entails for both parties involved. You are only 25 and got a taste of being on your own. That is understandable. Overall you have to do what is best for you and makes you happy.

 

[Ediese]

Good luck with whatever you decide! I don't have anything to add except that I've been on my own ever since I was 17 (moved here from St.Croix), and it's not all that it's cracked up to be. It would be a very easy decision for me if I felt that I really found the person that I'm suppose to share my life with. On the other hand though, I understand you wanting to experience being on your own. I've always regretted not attending a black college and doing all the wild partying. lol

 

[aribell]

You should do what you know is best for you in the end, which may or may not be what you're thinking and feeling at the moment.

We're about the same age and I've been on my own since I was 18, so that might be coloring my perspective, but I don't think that being out on your own is necessary to really growing up. I tend to think that independence/dependence are more states of mind and heart than anything else, and you can learn to be responsible while in a relationship, too.

The place where I think you might be being a tad selfish (maybe just a tad) is that the idea of being by yourself feels really good when you know that you have someone waiting for you when you're done with your "me time." If you feel like this will be great for a time and then you can go back to FH and resume your plans, then I think you are kind of trodding on his feelings a bit and perhaps, though I couldn't say, taking them for granted...assuming that he doesn't want to postpone marriage. But if you really would be willing to start all over again having to find someone else, be single, be truly on your own, then maybe this is what you need to do.

While you can't live in fear of losing him, these are real stakes on the table, and people do look back with regret on decisions like this sometimes. Just be sure that whatever it is you want to get from this time alone is something that you really need to do and can't be done some other way.

 

[rabs77]

Lamara, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? He approaching you and asking for some space?

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

Lamara, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? He approaching you and asking for some space?

I would be hurt ... I would feel rejected ... I would be mad as hell to be honest because I would feel like I had been wasting my time up until then erplexed

 

[tiara76]

I would be hurt ... I would feel rejected ... I would be mad as hell to be honest because I would feel like I had been wasting my time up until then erplexed

now ask yourself why you would feel like this and why would you take his needing space so personal and his honesty as something "bad"....would you not even try to understand this man you claim to love or just make him out to be the bad guy because of his feelings and his sharing them with you?

 

[Kerryann]

you know what i think from my experience i think you might actually be growing apart.

Dont get me wrong from the age that you met this gentleman was young and you havent experienced anything really thats what having a long relationship at a young age does.

Now you are feeling as if you are missing something i had that same feeling i remembered it so well.
Feelings are a hell of a thing so choose carefully
Whatever you decide to do pray on it first

 

[tiara76]

you know what i think from my experience i think you might actually be growing apart.

Dont get me wrong from the age that you met this gentleman was young and you havent experienced anything really thats what having a long relationship at a young age does.

Now you are feeling as if you are missing something i had that same feeling i remembered it so well.
Feelings are a hell of a thing so choose carefully
Whatever you decide to do pray on it first

heart feelings and emotions are a hell of a thing because most people don't know the difference...

to act on emotions will get you in trouble..people evoke emotions, manipulate others emotions to get them to act a certain way on them to appease them not to understand and allow for the person they claim to love and one's own emotions can lead them into their own internal hell and conflict

to act on your heart it won't lead you astray..first you have to know it, then trust it

 

[rabs77]

I would be hurt ... I would feel rejected ... I would be mad as hell to be honest because I would feel like I had been wasting my time up until then erplexed

OK, so now after him telling you this is there anyway he could convince you that this is a temporary break and that he still wanted to be with you, without you still feeling rejected? Probably not. IMO telling him you want your space and requiring/expecting him to be there waiting 6 months down the line is like having your cake and eating it. It's not worth the trouble if you really do love him. And by the way, the sole indepence thing is over rated. You ain't missing a damn thing. Take it from me

 

[♥Lamaravilla♥]

now ask yourself why you would feel like this and why would you take his needing space so personal and his honesty as something "bad"....would you not even try to understand this man you claim to love or just make him out to be the bad guy because of his feelings and his sharing them with you?

Because in the beginning of our relationship he would always be the one to pull away, so I still have my insecurities where that is concerned. I shouldn't because he has proven to be genuine and in it for the long haul, but it's still one of my fears. I would try my best to understand, but I would be suspicious.

you know what i think from my experience i think you might actually be growing apart.

Dont get me wrong from the age that you met this gentleman was young and you havent experienced anything really thats what having a long relationship at a young age does.

Now you are feeling as if you are missing something i had that same feeling i remembered it so well.
Feelings are a hell of a thing so choose carefully
Whatever you decide to do pray on it first

I really don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I just don't want to one day be alone if our marriage wouldn't work out and be @$$ out because I don't know how to be an adult on my own.

I don't believe we are growing apart, if anything we are growing closer, particularly since we have been doing the pre-marital counseling. I guess this is a topic I need to introduce into one of our sessions

heart feelings and emotions are a hell of a thing because most people don't know the difference...

to act on emotions will get you in trouble..people evoke emotions, manipulate others emotions to get them to act a certain way on them to appease them not to understand and allow for the person they claim to love and one's own emotions can lead them into their own internal hell and conflict

to act on your heart it won't lead you astray..first you have to know it, then trust it

My feelings are that I am content and happy and satisfied when I'm with him. My emotions are that I am kind of envious of my friends that are on their own who are accountable to anyone but themselves.

OK, so now after him telling you this is there anyway he could convince you that this is a temporary break and that he still wanted to be with you, without you still feeling rejected? Probably not. IMO telling him you want your space and requiring/expecting him to be there waiting 6 months down the line is like having your cake and eating it. It's not worth the trouble if you really do love him. And by the way, the sole indepence thing is over rated. You ain't missing a damn thing. Take it from me

That's what I keep hearing from you ladies and my friends, that it's not all it's cracked up to be, but I don't know that.... I feel like a selfish inconsiderate cow

 

[YankeeCandle]

Allow me to tell you a story, OP.

My very best friend lived with her parents through high school, and roommates through college.

She went off to the big city to work and got to live by herself for two years.

Then, at 25, she railroaded her own self into a marriage, in part for cultural reasons (pressure from family to marry before "too old") and also for personal insecurities (he was a comfortable shoulder to cry on whom she felt she could make a life with, compared to a pervious man who had hurt her.).

She told me on the phone once or twice: "yankeeCandle, I know everything's going fast...I kind of wish I had had more time on my own in the city, you know?" [note to readers: NOT to sample other men, in whom she had no interest, but to drink fully of life as a human being in her own right, not as part of a matched pair].

The marriage took place.

Sometimes on the phone, she would say, in the most wistful of tones, "YankeeCandle, I envy you your cramped studio apartment, your choice of jobs that is dependent only on YOUR factors and not on those of a partner, your LIFE as a person growing mentally, emotionally, spiritually without needing to account for another person."

"Oh," I would say, and then quickly make a joke to pass the awkward moment. Because once someone is married, it is never a good idea to speak ill of their union.

Once a year we would visit each other in our respective cities.

The care with which she would plan our activities was astonishing...always, she looked for a dancing club because she so loved to dance, just we women together and happy and working up a sweat. She always absolutely insisted that we go dancing, even when I wasn't feeling well or when it was raining or someone had juts been shot outside the club the night before. But she never danced with a man, never accepted their advances. She would just kick off her heels and shake her head and glow with pleasure as she shimmied to the beats.

"That's my last time to dance," she would say dully in the cab afterward. It's not that her husband wouldn't go dancing with her. He would, if she asked. I understood instinctively that she meant that was her last time that year dancing BY herself, FOR herself, TO PLEASE herself alone.

Time rolled on, and her sacrifices for her husband began to draw blood...she left a well-paying career path for a more sterotypically "female-oriented" profession that, like most women's-associate work, is grossly underpaid. She had already paid off his student loans for him, gave him money to remit back to his parents overseas, and filled out all of his job applications, netting him a great position.

Her lips paid service to the fact that she loved him...and I think she did, and he her. But love needs a chance to flourish. Like a pet fish, you can feed love too much...too much togetherness too soon; too much responsiblity before YOU feel you're ready.

This couple has been in divorce proceedings for the past year or so. When she came and visited me this year, she said, "Two years on my own was not enough for me. I needed more, and I knew I needed more."

Now, that is NOT the main reason they are getting divorced, OP. But damned if she was not eaten alive for the years of her marriage, always prematurely wondering, at age 27 and 28, where her youth went. Always looking back over her shoulder wondering what type of man, if any, she would have gravitated toward if she had had the time to get her own mind and psyche together and learn about herself BEFORE she linked her life to another's.

Just a few more things to think about as you weigh the pros and cons of postponing things with your loved one.

Good luck to you...

 

[YankeeCandle]

I really don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I just don't want to one day be alone if our marriage wouldn't work out and be @$$ out because I don't know how to be an adult on my own.

I just saw this.

I believe your mind is trying to pull you to safety, and you should take heed to its very apt warning. I have known so many women, now in their forties and fifties, who found themselves divorced or widowed and at sixes and sevens, unsure of how to take care of themselves and their children, but also unsure of WHO they were, if no longer "wife of ____ " And some of these women worked part time or full time while married, so I'm not bringing up any of this "mommy wars" silliness.

This is one reason why I have repeatedly refused marriage to my marvelous SO of 6 years...I am inbetween professions now, and went back to school recently to aid in the transition. I cannot contemplate marriage until I am solidly on my feet as "YankeeCandle." Then, and only then, will I be able to take the step toward a permanent legal and financial union.

I love him very much, and would be despondent without his warm presence in my life, but ultimately, I cannot know what tomorrow holds...so I focus now on training myself to readiness for whatever comes my way.