Sick of Being a Virgin...and High Standards?

TokyoReina

TokyoReina

New Member
Greetings. I know I don't post a ton but I lurk around these forums a ton. So I think there might be some pretty wise and experienced people around that could offer some kind of opinion.

I'm 19, single,still a virgin, and in college at the moment. The fact that I'm a virgin is just plain ridiculous to some of my friends. There's so much talk about people having sex and getting theirs that, quite frankly, getting sick of being a virgin. In fact, we went a out few days ago and I met a man (a few actually) that obviously wanted to just sleep with me, and the sad part is that I was actually kind of tempted and considered the idea. I even went so far as to really "make out"/Fool around with one of them and allowed a lot more touching that I really feel I should have. So I don't feel very classy nor do I feel proud of myself. :nono:

I have set some standards (which I've been told are too high) that I would like the guys I date to somewhat live up to. Yet there are times when I'm out that I drop them for the sake of what I guess is attention/affection/whatever and I end up feeling a little cheap. I suppose my question would be...how am I supposed to keep myself from dropping my bar simply for the sake of not being alone or simple affection? and is there such a thing as too high standards or being too old to be a virgin?
 
we've had posts like this before. its hard being a virgin in college, especially when those around you arent.

simply put, if you think you will regret it, dont do it.

there are many places to meet guys who arent just after getting theres...& hi red flag if they make it obvious if thats all they want :)
 
Perhaps being a virgin is ridiculous to your friends because they gave away their's too hastily and would like you to do the same so that you are less special and you'll become more like them?


Please stop listening to your friends (it seems to me that you feel the way you do mainly because of them)...and realise that you've got a treasure and not a curse. If you give it to someone who doesn't appreciate it, you'll regret your first time for ever.

I don't advocate waiting till marriage but i feel strongly that its best to wait till you meet someone special.
 
Hey there

You don't have to lower your standards or feel bad about your decision I think if your standards are reasonable and realistic and don't stem solely out of superficial expectations. :)
 
I never understood why people who choose to be virgins have to let everyone know. You sexuality is your own business and it just brings more attention which creates more pressure. You are not the only virgin on campus. Stop broadcasting that you are virgin to everyone. Its none of their business.
If you feel bad after foreplay or 2nd base with a boy then you are not ready and you will feel awful if you go all the way. Maybe you should change you friends or surroundings. This is your first year, you have time to party, meet boys and get loose. You should have sex when you are comfortable and ready to handle the consequences and it doesn't have to be while you're away at college with some boy tryna get his.
 
When I was in college most of my friends were virgins as well, so there was no pressure to have sex. My sexually active friends always encouraged me to wait, and my best male friends/boyfriends never pressured me.

What you don't want is to have sex, and then be sitting around and thinking, "that's it?" Sex with someone you love and trust is very different than random sex with some dude.

And I understand about the feeling guilty after making out...I was that way at your age too. You're getting older, and more curious...but try to limit your interactions with dudes who don't really care for you. Just make up your mind to do what makes you feel whole and good...then stick to it and demand that your friends and dates respect it.

I had a dude start masterbating in a car with me once...cause I wouldn't have sex with him. I've also had a romanian man tell me no one would marry me if I was a virgin....I said tell that to your sister.

No true freind would pressure you to give up something so precious. It's yours, and you deserve to share it with your husband.
 
You need some new friends.

I'm thinking if they can't support you and encourage you, then you need some new friends.

There is way too much going on out here for you to think about giving something so precious away so hastily. There are several posts about how to date with different STDs. Go read them. Really listen to people as they talk about issues they have to deal with when it comes to sex (including your 'friends'). You are only 19 years old. And I'm not saying that in a bad way at all. I mean to say that there is so much more for you right now. You are doing yourself a world of good by waiting because there are far more important things for you to be concerned about. Take an account of where you are in life. Are you where you want to be spiritually, financially, mentally? What are your career goals? You're in college right now. What are your dreams? Some people can't even think about that because of a bad report they recieved from their doctor. And that's real. Use this time as an opportunity to get YOURSELF together and become the woman you want to be. Sex will come, girl. It will come. The right person will come...at the right time. And you want to have that phase come in your life with no regrets. No shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Cause once it's gone...you can't get it back. That's what your homies and your friends aren't telling you...:)

Please believe me. I was in your shoes. Everything will be just fine. Just, please, do you.
 
Don't listen to them. Do your own thing in your own time. Don't have sex just for the sake of having sex. Have sex because you found someone who you love and loves you and you trust and know they will be there for the long run and not just a wham, bam, thank you man one night thing with some random guy you don't even like and certainly doesn't like you but just wants you to be another conquest. Trust me sex is not all it's cracked up to be and when you finally do have it you'll be like dang is this what I waited for? Is that it?
 
Taliah said:
I never understood why people who choose to be virgins have to let everyone know. You sexuality is your own business and it just brings more attention which creates more pressure. You are not the only virgin on campus. Stop broadcasting that you are virgin to everyone. Its none of their business.
If you feel bad after foreplay or 2nd base with a boy then you are not ready and you will feel awful if you go all the way. Maybe you should change you friends or surroundings. This is your first year, you have time to party, meet boys and get loose. You should have sex when you are comfortable and ready to handle the consequences and it doesn't have to be while you're away at college with some boy tryna get his.
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I see what you're saying. but after reading ur post and the 36 and still a virgin post i just have to put this out there. i'm a virgin and i NEVER broadcast it. EVER!! but guess what? i'm asked. the subj. of sex comes up SO often its ridiculous. and when a group of ppl are having a discussion and i have nothing to add, or if one person keeps going on and on and i'm not doing anything but smiling and looking uncomfortable then yea they tend to ask me about it and i'm not gonna lie. i'm not gonna say i did this guy and that guy just to be cool. sometimes i dont answer but thats hard to do w.o making urself seem standoffish. and even when u dont answer that just makes it seem like you are ANYWAY. so its just like by not answering you've already answered. 'cept by not answering it makes it look like you're ashamed of what you are. which i know I certainly am not.

also, there've been plenty of times when guys just assume it right off the bat. they say they can tell when a girl is a virgin and when they're not. they say there's something about them, an innocence that you don't retain after you've already had sex. now i'm not saying thats true. i'm just saying what i've been told by a few guys.

and also word travels fast. if one person finds out then guys what? next time there's a party and the subject is sex its not uncommon for the one person who knows to drunkenly yell out "don't talk about sex around her!! she's a virgin!!" :rolleyes: then everyone knows. so yea.. no broadcasting here.

so to however bothers to read this pls stop assuming that just b/c ppl kno ur a virgin that means u go around knocking on ppl's door saying "guess what? im a virgin!!" and skipping away all holy like.

ETA: lol @ my first line of saying i never broadcast i'm a virgin and then me broadcasting it to the forum. but i think ya'll get what im saying.
 
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Taliah said:
I never understood why people who choose to be virgins have to let everyone know. You sexuality is your own business and it just brings more attention which creates more pressure. You are not the only virgin on campus. Stop broadcasting that you are virgin to everyone. Its none of their business.
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I never understood why people who choose to have sex have to let everyone know. Their sexuality is their own business and it just brings more attention which creates more pressure. They are not the only non-virgins on campus. They should stop broadcasting their sexual activity to everyone. It's none of their business.
 
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Majesa said:
Greetings. I know I don't post a ton but I lurk around these forums a ton. So I think there might be some pretty wise and experienced people around that could offer some kind of opinion.

I'm 19, single,still a virgin, and in college at the moment. The fact that I'm a virgin is just plain ridiculous to some of my friends. There's so much talk about people having sex and getting theirs that, quite frankly, getting sick of being a virgin. In fact, we went a out few days ago and I met a man (a few actually) that obviously wanted to just sleep with me, and the sad part is that I was actually kind of tempted and considered the idea. I even went so far as to really "make out"/Fool around with one of them and allowed a lot more touching that I really feel I should have. So I don't feel very classy nor do I feel proud of myself. :nono:

I have set some standards (which I've been told are too high) that I would like the guys I date to somewhat live up to. Yet there are times when I'm out that I drop them for the sake of what I guess is attention/affection/whatever and I end up feeling a little cheap. I suppose my question would be...how am I supposed to keep myself from dropping my bar simply for the sake of not being alone or simple affection? and is there such a thing as too high standards or being too old to be a virgin?
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I didn't lose my v-card until 3 weeks from my 19th birthday.
Your standards are your standards. Your friends might think it's ridiculous but if you can pick up some books on sexual addiction, including porn addiction and premarital sex... you can see some of the true unhappinesses which face you if you give it up before you're ready to a man who will not respect you.

When I lost my v-hood, I was tricked out of it. It wasn't wholly consensual... and dishonesty led me to do it. I have not harbored respect for SEX since that time, because I saw how rude people treated it and the situation. Men are just out to get theirs and if you give it up before you're ready, you will feel damaged, hurt, tarnished and less classy than even this previous incident made you feel.

I was once waiting for marriage and would not care who and what I missed in the meantime. Dating was fun. After that, I had a hard time trying to discern when I would sleep with a man since it always felt "out of my control" and inevitable. I didn't have sex with a lot of men.... but I have had a hard time establishing sexual boundaries since.

Wait til you're ready. The quality of men these days sucks anyway.

My sister is 20 and she hasn't even had her first kiss. She's a beautiful girl, but she has standards and doesn't care to date or kiss anyone just so she can fit in.... She''ll be 21 within 6 months...

You're not alone.
 
Majesa said:
Greetings. I know I don't post a ton but I lurk around these forums a ton. So I think there might be some pretty wise and experienced people around that could offer some kind of opinion.

I'm 19, single,still a virgin, and in college at the moment. The fact that I'm a virgin is just plain ridiculous to some of my friends. There's so much talk about people having sex and getting theirs that, quite frankly, getting sick of being a virgin. In fact, we went a out few days ago and I met a man (a few actually) that obviously wanted to just sleep with me, and the sad part is that I was actually kind of tempted and considered the idea. I even went so far as to really "make out"/Fool around with one of them and allowed a lot more touching that I really feel I should have. So I don't feel very classy nor do I feel proud of myself. :nono:

I have set some standards (which I've been told are too high) that I would like the guys I date to somewhat live up to. Yet there are times when I'm out that I drop them for the sake of what I guess is attention/affection/whatever and I end up feeling a little cheap. I suppose my question would be...how am I supposed to keep myself from dropping my bar simply for the sake of not being alone or simple affection? and is there such a thing as too high standards or being too old to be a virgin?
Click to expand...

Because HE WILL COME. I am 24 years old and a virgin and I kept my morals when it came to dating b/c that's was one of the ways I could tell how serious a guy was. There was this guy that I REALLY liked and was tempted to possibly give it up, but when he pretty much told me that he either needed some or he was out then I let his A*S GO. Less than a month later I met my soulmate who shares the same values that I do (24/virgin) and we are both going to wait until marriage.

There are guys that are willing to wait. I am still friends with the guy that gave me the sex ultimatum and I asked him if he knew a girl was the one would he wait. He said it would be a little bit of a struggle but he would. It shows you that even though I wasn't the one for him that guys are capable of waiting if they care enough for you and want a serious relationship.
 
First off, Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. I do feel a bit more confident about waiting for someone special. I don't tell the entire world I'm a virgin, but I do talk with my friends about it often enough. While my still being a virgin is a bit of a joke between us at times, they do tell me "Do You, and don't worry about anyone else" and they didn't encourage me to sleep with the guy I met. I don't think the pressure is so much coming from them as from myself. I just get tired of waiting for someone, or something, that just may never happen. I don't want to look back years from now and see wasted time...or what feels like could be a waste of time.

I don't think I'd feel bad just kissing a guy or making out, but I did this time because I hardly knew his name and I let him feel me up quite a bit. But that's done with, and I'll have to better at saying No.
 
Majesa said:
First off, Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. I do feel a bit more confident about waiting for someone special. I don't tell the entire world I'm a virgin, but I do talk with my friends about it often enough. While my still being a virgin is a bit of a joke between us at times, they do tell me "Do You, and don't worry about anyone else" and they didn't encourage me to sleep with the guy I met. I don't think the pressure is so much coming from them as from myself. I just get tired of waiting for someone, or something, that just may never happen. I don't want to look back years from now and see wasted time...or what feels like could be a waste of time.

I don't think I'd feel bad just kissing a guy or making out, but I did this time because I hardly knew his name and I let him feel me up quite a bit. But that's done with, and I'll have to better at saying No.
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I understand. And everyone knew I was boy crazy but not having sex, so it made it even harder to relate when I would say I'm "backedup" or something... More offensively, I had curves but when they got bigger, I wa accused of having sex because it makes your hips and butt bigger.:rolleyes:
 
There's nothign wrong with setting high standards for yourself and wanting to be with someone who is the same way. Don't listen to yoru fast friends . .. there are plenty of people namely women who say they wish they had waited. . don't fall for it. . especially with all those diseases out there. . you can still get herpes even if you they dont have an outbreak AND you are waring protection!!
 
I will tell you one thing:
I have heard several people, countless people tell me they regretted losing their virginity. I am yet to meet one (I'm sure there are some) who waited and is now regretting their decision.
 
Taliah said:
I never understood why people who choose to be virgins have to let everyone know. You sexuality is your own business and it just brings more attention which creates more pressure. You are not the only virgin on campus. Stop broadcasting that you are virgin to everyone. Its none of their business...
Click to expand...

Bunny77 said:
I never understood why people who choose to have sex have to let everyone know. Their sexuality is their own business and it just brings more attention which creates more pressure. They are not the only non-virgins on campus. They should stop broadcasting their sexual activity to everyone. It's none of their business.
Click to expand...
I agree with both of you ladies and have known people to put their business out there on both accounts. Someone's decision to have or not to have sex is a personal decision; nothing more and nothing less. IMO/IME, a lot of people (virgins and non-virgins alike) put their business out there because they are looking for a pat on the back. In either case, the inevitable feedback (positive and negative) will follow. Avoiding ridicule is one of the many benefits of keeping your business to yourself.
 
No one has to know you're a virgin.
Discretion is key. No one needs to know that about you.
That's cool that you are, but if you want to escape the judgment...
just change the subject or say "Good girls never tell" or something like that.
 
TheLaurynDoll said:
I understand. And everyone knew I was boy crazy but not having sex, so it made it even harder to relate when I would say I'm "backedup" or something... More offensively, I had curves but when they got bigger, I wa accused of having sex because it makes your hips and butt bigger.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I got accused of that too! I was a slim little thing in college til I lost my virginity. I thought it was just the 'Sophomore 15' that i gained.

But i also heard that when you have sex your hips WILL spread because the body is getting prepared for the inevitable..a baby.
 
Majesa said:
Greetings. I know I don't post a ton but I lurk around these forums a ton. So I think there might be some pretty wise and experienced people around that could offer some kind of opinion.

I'm 19, single,still a virgin, and in college at the moment. The fact that I'm a virgin is just plain ridiculous to some of my friends. There's so much talk about people having sex and getting theirs that, quite frankly, getting sick of being a virgin. In fact, we went a out few days ago and I met a man (a few actually) that obviously wanted to just sleep with me, and the sad part is that I was actually kind of tempted and considered the idea. I even went so far as to really "make out"/Fool around with one of them and allowed a lot more touching that I really feel I should have. So I don't feel very classy nor do I feel proud of myself. :nono:

I have set some standards (which I've been told are too high) that I would like the guys I date to somewhat live up to. Yet there are times when I'm out that I drop them for the sake of what I guess is attention/affection/whatever and I end up feeling a little cheap. I suppose my question would be...how am I supposed to keep myself from dropping my bar simply for the sake of not being alone or simple affection? and is there such a thing as too high standards or being too old to be a virgin?
Click to expand...
It sounds like you've already answered your own question. IMO, people overthink issues surrounding sex. With any other life decision (i.e. getting your own place, moving to another state, etc.) you don't get involved with it if you aren't ready. All things being equal, if we were talking about an issue OTHER than sex, would you be second guessing yourself as much? The truth is most decision in life aren't easy because most things aren't all good or all bad. If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have it. I'd also wouldn't make this a topic of discussion with your friends since they are more concerned about your following the crowd than being true to yourself.
 
MizzBrown said:
I got accused of that too! I was a slim little thing in college til I lost my virginity. I thought it was just the 'Sophomore 15' that i gained.

But i also heard that when you have sex your hips WILL spread because the body is getting prepared for the inevitable..a baby.
Click to expand...
I guess but I wasn't even having sex and I had BEEN had hips. :ohwell:
 
Majesa said:
Greetings. I know I don't post a ton but I lurk around these forums a ton. So I think there might be some pretty wise and experienced people around that could offer some kind of opinion.

I'm 19, single,still a virgin, and in college at the moment. The fact that I'm a virgin is just plain ridiculous to some of my friends. There's so much talk about people having sex and getting theirs that, quite frankly, getting sick of being a virgin. In fact, we went a out few days ago and I met a man (a few actually) that obviously wanted to just sleep with me, and the sad part is that I was actually kind of tempted and considered the idea. I even went so far as to really "make out"/Fool around with one of them and allowed a lot more touching that I really feel I should have. So I don't feel very classy nor do I feel proud of myself. :nono:

I have set some standards (which I've been told are too high) that I would like the guys I date to somewhat live up to. Yet there are times when I'm out that I drop them for the sake of what I guess is attention/affection/whatever and I end up feeling a little cheap. I suppose my question would be...how am I supposed to keep myself from dropping my bar simply for the sake of not being alone or simple affection? and is there such a thing as too high standards or being too old to be a virgin?
Click to expand...

I'm going to leave the "virgin" and feeling pressured cuz other folks are doing it alone because I think other folks have touched on it already.

What struck me more was the notion of having standards and finding yourself lowering them for the sake of attention/affection. Do you have "a list"? What are the criteria that you're looking for and what is that criteria based on? I'd give THOSE notions some serious thought.

That being said, stick to it. Do it for you, not for anyone else, not because it sounds good and not for your future husband, but FOR YOU. I know it sounds soooo cliched, but sex is so much more meaningful when there's emotional, spiritual and physical connections behind it. Someone who will listen to you and try to make you most comfortable, and rub your back and play with your hair afterwards. :grin:
 
Your friends are probably just jealous. That's one bell that you can't unring and if it sucked the first time, there is no "do-over" and it probably feels better to know that everyone around you is in the same boat. Why do they care?
 
I am in the same boat (19, in college, virgin). I think the difference is the people you surround yourself with. My friends are about 50/50 (virgins/non virgins). I have never heard any of my friends comment on my virginity. Everyone pretty much knows that its your personal business. And having sex with a guy you just met is a big nono, even for my friends who have sex. I just think you need to take a step back and evaluate your friendships. Are these people really close to you? Do you value their opinion? You seem to know who you are and your values so don't let other people change that!

Hope that helps!
 
Majesa said:
Greetings. I know I don't post a ton but I lurk around these forums a ton. So I think there might be some pretty wise and experienced people around that could offer some kind of opinion.

I'm 19, single,still a virgin, and in college at the moment. The fact that I'm a virgin is just plain ridiculous to some of my friends. There's so much talk about people having sex and getting theirs that, quite frankly, getting sick of being a virgin. In fact, we went a out few days ago and I met a man (a few actually) that obviously wanted to just sleep with me, and the sad part is that I was actually kind of tempted and considered the idea. I even went so far as to really "make out"/Fool around with one of them and allowed a lot more touching that I really feel I should have. So I don't feel very classy nor do I feel proud of myself. :nono:

I have set some standards (which I've been told are too high) that I would like the guys I date to somewhat live up to. Yet there are times when I'm out that I drop them for the sake of what I guess is attention/affection/whatever and I end up feeling a little cheap. I suppose my question would be...how am I supposed to keep myself from dropping my bar simply for the sake of not being alone or simple affection? and is there such a thing as too high standards or being too old to be a virgin?
Click to expand...

I agree with the other folks...letting others pressure you into feeling like maybe you are wrong.....as for the bolded....what you first need to do is get a clear definition of what sex is to YOU, what it means what you would like to get out of it....shame and guilt around your actions won't help you...

if you didn't feel good about what you did, then just take it as a signal that thats not what you want to be doing right now and thank your emotions for letting you know thats not the route you are trying to go....its seems as if you may not have a clear understanding of what your personal ideas are around sex.....feelings of being alone or not having affection have nothing to do with having sex and if you think sex is an exchange for these feelings then you will find that you will get them, although there is a good chance they will be very short lived though.....and this type of thinking it was is liable to spiral a woman even deeper into pits of shame and guilt about herself....and the more shes tryiing to exchange sex for affection or love the more disappointed she will be and the more damage she is doing to herself.....

own your sexuality and stand in it....if you have standards treat yourself with them first.....if you want love, affection, attention, respect, admiration and cherishing of your body...do all these things for yourself and know that when you do decide to "GIVE" yourself to somebody its not to get something in return because you are already filled with love, so now you give it to share and experience and there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with wanting to share and give yourself to somebody who will appreciate you in the way you appreciate yourself

take this time to learn yourself, learn your body , learn about sex and when you do find somebody you feel you can share yourself with you will have more self confidence and security in knowing that your decisions are your own and you own up to the responsibility of taking care and cherishing your body in your own personal accord
 
I love my friends, and while it may not seem like it, I think they're pretty good people. Some of them are virgins an tell me to wait and get married first, but they always attach religion to it and my reasons have nothing to do with that. Also, these aren't the partying and clubbing types. I like to go out, and this is when I get put into this position.

As for my standards, I don't think they're too high. They're pretty much what I expect any girl would like in a guy. Pretty much just someone whose nice, ambitious with hopes (as I am), takes care of himself, and capable of good conversation. (Sounds like an ad). However, even those attributes are hard for me to find right now. So sometimes I get so fed up with being disappointed, that I find myself out and saying "He'll do" even when the guy's not very good and after one thing. I guess I get tired of seeing everyone else with someone and me with no one. Plus, although it's a personal issue I realize, just the act of being hugged up or grinding with some guy (and having the attention, the wrong kind of attention I know) makes me feel temporarily feel pretty good. I don't want to sleep with these guys though, it's not usually an idea that even crosses my mind. I don't know how to fix that. Maybe it's some kind of self-esteem issue, don't know.
 
Majesa said:
I love my friends, and while it may not seem like it, I think they're pretty good people. Some of them are virgins an tell me to wait and get married first, but they always attach religion to it and my reasons have nothing to do with that. Also, these aren't the partying and clubbing types. I like to go out, and this is when I get put into this position.

As for my standards, I don't think they're too high. They're pretty much what I expect any girl would like in a guy. Pretty much just someone whose nice, ambitious with hopes (as I am), takes care of himself, and capable of good conversation. (Sounds like an ad). However, even those attributes are hard for me to find right now. So sometimes I get so fed up with being disappointed, that I find myself out and saying "He'll do" even when the guy's not very good and after one thing. I guess I get tired of seeing everyone else with someone and me with no one. Plus, although it's a personal issue I realize, just the act of being hugged up or grinding with some guy (and having the attention, the wrong kind of attention I know) makes me feel temporarily feel pretty good. I don't want to sleep with these guys though, it's not usually an idea that even crosses my mind. I don't know how to fix that. Maybe it's some kind of self-esteem issue, don't know.
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No need to lower your standards.....I mean that would be settling for somebody who doesn't take care of themselves (people who don't take care of their own well being have a hard time caring or be considerate of anothers).......somebody you can't talk to, someone who isn't nice, etc and get used to saying..."He won't do".....

and as far as self esteem you honestly know how you feel about yourself and if you feel theres issues that need to be addressed, and you address them you will enter into a relationship with a male without the ideas of settling for less than what you want
 
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