Shutting them down

softblackcotton said:
Update.
Last Tuesday, he texts me at 9:30pm. I tell him I'm going to sleep because I'm tired of texting. He replies wow okay!

Forward to Thursday, he texts me at 9:15pm I tell him I'm going to sleep. Goodnight. He replies are you brushing me off? I say yes. He says why. I say because you keep texting me when I asked you to call. So goodnight. He says ok.

Today. He texts me. I will proceed to ignore him because now he is just doing it to annoy me since I brushed him off. I hate that. Who is raising these type of males?
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I don't even respond to text if I'm getting ready for bed or sleeping. I reply like at the end of the day the next day lol.
 
NOEChic said:
I don't even respond to text if I'm getting ready for bed or sleeping. I reply like at the end of the day the next day lol.
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I wasn't really ready to sleep. I was just in my bed getting ready to read my books, but I just said that to brush him off. Jerk. These males have no respect. Even less respect for women who have standards.
 
Fine 4s said:
Can you block his number?
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I will have to block him if he keeps bothering me. I keep attracting losers who won't leave me alone once I leave them alone. There's this one guy who I went out on three dates with in 2009 who is still emailing me a couple times a week begging me to call him and forgive him. Loser. I have no luck with this kind of stuff.
 
softblackcotton said:
Update.
Last Tuesday, he texts me at 9:30pm. I tell him I'm going to sleep because I'm tired of texting. He replies wow okay!

Forward to Thursday, he texts me at 9:15pm I tell him I'm going to sleep. Goodnight. He replies are you brushing me off? I say yes. He says why. I say because you keep texting me when I asked you to call. So goodnight. He says ok.

Today. He texts me with an lol following behind it. I will proceed to ignore him because now he is just doing it to annoy me since I brushed him off. I hate that. Who is raising these type of males?
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Unfortunately, when silly men get older it becomes no longer the blame of the mother, but the blame of the silly women who reinforce their behavior:look:

I wish I would stay on hold for five minutes, even with Dh:look: (but he would know better than to try that mess)

Maybe you like the run around, and jumping through hoops, so keep texting:yep:. Maybe one day, when you get sick and tired and fed up and wasted enough time, you will get a phone conversation. Keep hope alive.:look:
 
I don't know, softblackcotton, I don't get the message that you are really setting standards. You think you are, but I am not sure it is translating that way. I have the same problem, too, where I talk and talk and think it's standard-setting, but the very act of engaging someone in conversation negates the message you are trying to give.
It doesn't sound like he takes you seriously at all, unfortunately. By talking to him about what he's doing wrong continuously, he continues to see this as a game-- a very annoying one.
I think that is why setting the tone from the beginning matters so much. I am trying to be more conscious of that as well... because I sometimes have the tendency to try to set standards once I start liking someone, which, in some cases, might be too late, i.e, they are already used to a certain behavior or response from you.

In the case of this guy, he was used to texting you (if I recall correctly). You change it up, and he's not really willing to change along with it. With the next guy, it will benefit you to know the standards before he even gets into the picture, state them upfront before you start communicating, and let that be that. Then, he knows from the beginning what is expected, and if he isn't willing to put in the effort you ask, that's okay, no investment on the part of either of you.

With this particular guy, I would just let him go. Nothing good can come from it now-- not even if he decides to call. I mean, will you be sweet to him if he calls? Won't that feel fake, knowing that you had to pressure him into dialing your #?:nono: I couldn't... I like to talk to people who like to talk to me:yep: If I have to force anyone into doing anything, then I just don't want it anymore.
 
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RegaLady said:
Unfortunately, when silly men get older it becomes no longer the blame of the mother, but the blame of the silly women who reinforce their behavior:look:

I wish I would stay on hold for five minutes, even with Dh:look: (but he would know better than to try that mess)

Maybe you like the run around, and jumping through hoops, so keep texting:yep:. Maybe one day, when you get sick and tired and fed up and wasted enough time, you will get a phone conversation. Keep hope alive.:look:
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I don't like the run around but I try to be patient and give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't know why I stayed on.hold that long maybe I was in too good of mood that day plus it wasn't like I was waiting on hold aimlessly doing nothing. I was reading my book with the phone on speaker. I didn't even realize I was on hold that long until after the fact since I was lost in my book.
 
CarLiTa said:
I don't know, softblackcotton, I don't get the message that you are really setting standards. You think you are, but I am not sure it is translating that way. I have the same problem, too, where I talk and talk and think it's standard-setting, but the very act of engaging someone in conversation negates the message you are trying to give.
It doesn't sound like he takes you seriously at all, unfortunately. By talking to him about what he's doing wrong continuously, he continues to see this as a game-- a very annoying one.
I think that is why setting the tone from the beginning matters so much. I am trying to be more conscious of that as well... because I sometimes have the tendency to try to set standards once I start liking someone, which, in some cases, might be too late, i.e, they are already used to a certain behavior or response from you.

In the case of this guy, he was used to texting you (if I recall correctly). You change it up, and he's not really willing to change along with it. With the next guy, it will benefit you to know the standards before he even gets into the picture, state them upfront before you start communicating, and let that be that. Then, he knows from the beginning what is expected, and if he isn't willing to put in the effort you ask, that's okay, no investment on the part of either of you.

With this particular guy, I would just let him go. Nothing good can come from it now-- not even if he decides to call. I mean, will you be sweet to him if he calls? Won't that feel fake, knowing that you had to pressure him into dialing your #?:nono: I couldn't... I like to talk to people who like to talk to me:yep: If I have to force anyone into doing anything, then I just don't want it anymore.
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I agree with setting standards from upfront. I thought a few days into communication was upfront enough. But this guy is really immature. I think the next guy who uses texts as an initial communication to me will get no response at all. Not even a text back saying to call. I've noticed that older men call first, but men around my age do everything but call. The thing is that I don't want to date anyone that much older than me. Not at my experience now.
 
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You're not being picky. I had a few experiences like this and since then I've made a rule not to respond to texts from guys in these situations. In my mind if he really wants to get in contact with me, he'll call and usually that's what happens.:yep:
 
I love texting and hate talking on the phone ,i dont have time to talk ..i can text anytime even when i m doing something else .When i write i m more focused ,sometimes i m shy or dont feel like being on the phone with that akward silence or ranting just to cover the silence LOL so I avoid it .I only talk to Hubby and very close friends ,anybody else especially people who talk for a long time are "screened" .
This to say that some people prefer texting or e mailing,not EVERYBODY likes talking on the phone ,especially when you don't know each other ,it's akward ...its a bit like an interrogation and you have to answer quickly ..you have to fully relax and let go of whatever you re doing .
With that said ,I dont think this guy has serious intentions to get to know you ,his behavior seems a bit shady .:ohwell:
 
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You have to let them know up front that you are opposed to texting as the primary form of communication. My prospect, calls me every day and we talk all night, but he texts me in the morning to wish me a good day.
 
CarLiTa said:
Whatever happened to the guy, softblackcotton?
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I haven't heard from him since two weeks ago. I already deleted his number off of my phone and un-friended him on Facebook. I don't care.

AHeadOfCoils said:
You have to let them know up front that you are opposed to texting as the primary form of communication. My prospect, calls me every day and we talk all night, but he texts me in the morning to wish me a good day.
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Sounds like what a guy should do when he is into you. Lucky you.
 
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Kindheart said:
I love texting and hate talking on the phone ,i dont have time to talk ..i can text anytime even when i m doing something else .When i write i m more focused ,sometimes i m shy or dont feel like being on the phone with that akward silence or ranting just to cover the silence LOL so I avoid it .I only talk to Hubby and very close friends ,anybody else especially people who talk for a long time are "screened" .
This to say that some people prefer texting or e mailing,not EVERYBODY likes talking on the phone ,especially when you don't know each other ,it's akward ...its a bit like an interrogation and you have to answer quickly ..you have to fully relax and let go of whatever you re doing .
With that said ,I dont think this guy has serious intentions to get to know you ,his behavior seems a bit shady .:ohwell:
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That's exactly why I want to talk on the phone because I want quick answers, to hear tones. I want to the best chance to figure out shady intentions. I actually prefer face to face to phone so I could read facial expressions and body language but talking on phone is the next best thing you can hear subtle intonations that can change the entire meaning of what is communicated with the exact same wording. That is all lost in text which why people overuse lol :-) as to not offend depending on what tone the text is interpreted in. I feel many shady characters who use text a scapegoat. It's much easier for them to lie and hide major incriminating information through text than on the phone or in person.
 
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Okay so I followed some of you all's advice about being upfront about the texting right away.... So this new dude, 24, Facebook messaged me to text him. I told him I was tired of texting. He says well goodnight. I say goodnight. I'm confused. 5 mins later... I tell him to give me his number and I will call him tomorrow. He says don't worry about it. I say Okay how come? He said its not that big of a deal. I say well I just meant I would prefer to talk on the phone to get to know each other rather than text. No answer, he unfriended me right after that. Lol! Guess I can't get a man unless I am willing to text my life away. Guess that means I'm single forever. That's two dudes in two months who have scurried away because I want them to call and not text.
 
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softblackcotton said:
Okay so I followed some of you all's advice about being upfront about the texting right away.... So this new dude, 24, Facebook messaged me to text him. I told him I was tired of texting. He says well goodnight. I say goodnight. I'm confused. 5 mins later... I tell him to give me his number and I will call him tomorrow. He says don't worry about it. I say Okay how come? He said its not that big of a deal. I say well I just meant I would prefer to talk on the phone to get to know each other rather than text. No answer, he unfriended me right after that. Lol! Guess I can't get a man unless I am willing to text my life away. Guess that means I'm single forever. That's two dudes in two months who have scurried away because I want them to call and not text.
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That's really weird... and rude.
Anyway, to control what you CAN control, that is, only YOUR own actions, here is my take on this:
No one likes to be berated, especially if they do not know you well, or at all. No one likes to be told what to do, especially if they do not know you well, or at all.
So, in order to get people to do things the way YOU want them done, then you encourage them positively. That means, you always have to be sweet with them, excessively so if necessary.
Otherwise, it only turns them off... and makes them think you have an attitude, which isn't what you want.

In one article I read on dating a while back, a woman got a message from a guy who gave her his number and told her to call him.
She sent him back a very sweet/fun message that read something like: "I'd love to call you because I really do want to talk to you, but, call me traditional, I know I'd love it even more if you called me :)" Something like that... It made it clear what she wanted, and it framed it in a way that there's no friction whatsoever.

But you know, this texting thing is causing a lot of rifts and problems. Even in my case, I am not sure how to enforce it. Yeah sure I can tell a guy that I hate texting and that he needs to call me, but the truth is, I don't like talking on the phone with ANYONE, period.

So, me enforcing phone calls, when it's not something I like to engage in, doesn't always make the most sense.

I will NOT get to know anyone via text, though, that's for sure. If you want to get to know me, then we're going to have to meet in person, like, on a date:yep: which is my ultimate goal in talking to most guys anyway, NOT spending countless hours on the phone like I'm 16 years old and without responsibilities.

Anyway, maybe it might help to text a bit (within short limits), sweetly suggest they call you, and see if they're going to ask you out. If they don't ask you out, then you stop texting and move on to the next person.

Just remember that sometimes, telling people what to do, especially if they don't know you, gives them the wrong impression... that you're angry and difficult (which is a stretch, but you don't want that regardless).

HTH.
 
CarLiTa I totally see your point. I honestly wasn't sweet about it at all. I wasn't rude either but I didn't sugar coat it. I want to be taken seriously. Didn't think he would've been so touchy. Oh well. But from my point of view I don't like being told what to do by people I don't know at all without a please or thank you unless they are paying me. But gee he shows he wasn't that into me then. He'll let something as minute as that chase him away. If he would have taken the time to get to know me he would see I'm the exact opposite of domineering and aggressive.
 
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softblackcotton,

Sorry, to clarify, the first line in my previous post (about weird and rude) was about the guy...

About him showing that he's not into you... Well, I wouldn't see like that, TBH. It doesn't sound like you and this guy have had a lot of interaction, from the fact that you don't have each other's number yet, so how should he know if he's into you or not?

Seems like there was definitely some intrigue there (by him wanting to communicate more with you), and he decided that if you're going to respond that way, then not worth it, I guess:ohwell:
But... it's a pretty competitive field out there... and sweetness is a competitive trait:look:, so I'd utilize it often:yep::lol:

I'm just thinking: If a guy I *just* started talking to tried to tell me what to do, um, yeah, I'd stop communicating with him too, and FAST... because there are plenty of guys out there who will either let me know their boundaries much more sweetly or who just won't tell me what to do, period.

Him wanting you to text him doesn't say that he doesn't take you seriously... or, at least, it doesn't have to.

I'm thinking about this approach, for example:
Guy: text at 10am
Guy: text at 3pm
You: no response
Guy: text next day at 11am
You: Hey, guy! Sorry I keep missing your texts-- so busy with work! it's kinda hard for me to text while at work... Maybe we can talk on the phone tonight? Generally after 7pm works for me :)

Guy might not call that night bc of his schedule, and you still don't reply but you don't write him off, and he might call the next day within the window you give him... And then you're all set:yep: Nobody got angry nor turned off:lol:
 
softblackcotton said:
CarLiTa I totally see your point. I honestly wasn't sweet about it at all. I wasn't rude either but I didn't sugar coat it. I want to be taken seriously. Didn't think he would've been so touchy. Oh well. But from my point of view I don't like being told what to do by people I don't know at all without a please or thank you unless they are paying me. But gee he shows he wasn't that into me then. He'll let something as minute as that chase him away. If he would have taken the time to get to know me he would see I'm the exact opposite of domineering and aggressive.
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Well, generally, you have to make that as possible as possible (yes, I wrote as possible twice... I don't want to use "as easy" bc it doesn't translate what I am trying to say:look:)

A guy friend told me recently:
Think about the guy's perspective. He faces rejection when he asks you for your number, a date, etc. And yes, you STILL want him to ask, preferably... so you should try to give the impression that if he were to ask, you would say yes.

So, regarding the bolded, sounds like your message made a bigger "first impression" that your other interactions with him, and that sucks... but it makes sense:ohwell: given how first impressions work... and how competitive the dating field is out there:ohwell:

What I am saying is, he unfortunately doesn't have to interact with you if there are plenty of other women who will be nicer to him off the bat. So, if he's approaching, and you welcome his approach, then you accept it nicely/sweetly. If something about the way he does it doesn't please you, then you eventually politely suggest a different course.
If he doesn't change it, then he can be cut loose. But at least he already has had a sweet impression of you.

I remember when I first started dating my ex, I made 2 comments that turned him off, and he corrected me on the spot. The thing is, he said them so nicely, which didn't make me feel hurt or turn me off, and I knew he was serious, so I nipped that in the bud RIGHT there.

Last year, I was dating this pretentious kid who seemed to like to give me orders:nono: like, jokingly.
After he'd done that a couple of times, I had to ask myself: is this something I could live with?... NO.
So I said: Daniel... you keep giving me orders...[pause]... and I don't like it... [semi smile, semi scrunchy face].

He started apologizing right away, saying he was glad I told him, blah blah, other women seemed to like that, etc.
I was like "Well... I don't :)... You should say "please" if you want me to do something"

That resolved the issue, and we didn't have to talk about it anymore.
 
CarLiTa okay I am going to have to try your advice with the next loser. Lol. I really used to be sweet by nature when it came to these things. My heart has hardened through disappointment. But I will try even just for the sake of experimentation. I guess being myself is too harsh for these guys used to women coddling them.
 
softblackcotton said:
@CarLiTa okay I am going to have to try your advice with the next loser. Lol. I really used to be sweet by nature when it came to these things. My heart has hardened through disappointment. But I will try even just for the sake of experimentation. I guess being myself is too harsh for these guys used to women coddling them.
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Men can smell negativity or resentment ,I understand how you feel ,use your wisdom and experiences to "keep an eye open " but don't feel each and every man are losers,or playas ,alot of them are but sometimes if we don't show anything "special" or positive ,men will get turned off by it .
Don't be overly nice ..just be nice but a bit stand offish ,make sense?:spinning:
 
softblackcotton said:
CarLiTa okay I am going to have to try your advice with the next loser. Lol. I really used to be sweet by nature when it came to these things. My heart has hardened through disappointment. But I will try even just for the sake of experimentation. I guess being myself is too harsh for these guys used to women coddling them.
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I know you say you're not aggressive or domineering, but your attitude towards men seeps through even in your offhand comments. They are probably picking up on this and shying away.

There's no need to chase a man down to get him to call you. If a man gives you his number and tells you text him, simply reply by giving him yours and asking him to call you. Most will oblige. If they don't there's no need to keep telling them the same thing over and over again. It only makes you look bad.

Stay optimistic and positive. A good attitude goes a long way in attracting men.
 
I'm sick of this whole texting mindset too. I was dating a guy a few months back that did just that. It annoyed the he$$ outta me cause I'm like can we talk on the phone for crying out loud!!!!! And then he would say, I'll call you tonight and never would. I would be pissed. Then when I called him, it always went to voice mail. I got tired and moved on and I agree with you. Don't let some busta waste your time!
 
maybe they all got together and decided
they won't call, only txt
they won't date, only "meet up"
they won't dance, just sit on the wall

i swear they have a conference where they come up with this mess
 
softblackcotton said:
@CarLiTa okay I am going to have to try your advice with the next loser. Lol. I really used to be sweet by nature when it came to these things. My heart has hardened through disappointment. But I will try even just for the sake of experimentation. I guess being myself is too harsh for these guys used to women coddling them.
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LOL why does the next guy have to be a loser? And does it have to be coddling? You get more bees with honey... isn't that how the saying goes? You don't want guys that want to be coddled, but you do want guys that can appreciate a challenge. Being a challenge doesn't necessarily mean that you're mean.

And you still want to be yourself. According to you, this isn't even your "true self"... this is you "hardened" after years of disappointment. So let your real self shine though :-)

Keep in mind that when you talk to guys, you're communicating via both your actions and your words. Guys tend to respond better to action, but words are important too. Some really good advice that I got was that early on, its best to be sweet and affectionate via your words, but somewhat aloof in action. So never calling or texting him but being acting sweet and happy to hear from him when he does call, not going out of your way to see him, but being warm and appreciative when he comes to see you, it frustrates them, but trust me, they love it.

Try it! You'll see. It works soooo well.
 
meh. I don't see what all this negative outlook on men amounts to.
If they "all" are a certain way, a bad way, then what does that mean for your prospects? if you think they all will refuse to do what you want them to do, then what does that mean for your dating success?
They don't *have* to be defective beings whose teeth you have to pull to get them to do what you want... and your outlook has a lot to do with that.

Having that kind of outlook puts you in the position of always trying to change a man... As you've seen, it's pointless and aggravating.
Not taking every little thing as a personal affront ('cause, these guys didn't do anything "wrong" per se, they just did something you didn't like/want) and nicely redirecting the course of the situation might yield better results than having such a jaded outlook on things.
 
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I don't like texting neither. I feel that its impersonal. Texting are for short messages. Like something you would leave on a voicemail. It shouldn't be the main communication line. Its not a viable conversation tool. I much prefer to hear a person voice. But if you start off communicating that way then you really can't blame the person for continuing it. I went thru that myself. I try to tell my partner that I don't like communicating that way. I much prefer his voice but he still continued to do it. Then I just stopped texting him. He would text and I wouldn't respond. I was prepared to stay the night alone. But I knew that I couldn't go on with the texting. I felt like I am worth him calling and later on he called me and said didn't you get my message. So I had a choice come out and tell him I told you I don't like texting or lie. So I said "my phone has been acting up I have to call my carrier everyone has been saying they texted me." So the next day he texted and I didn't answer so then he called me. After the 3rd day he asked when was I going to get my phone fixed. He missed texting me. So I said I actually cut off text messaging. I don't know if I am going to cut it back on. It takes too long to respond to a text when I can just call or leave a person a voice message. Plus it saves me $$$. Then he offered to help pay my bill. I said if its that important then by all means go ahead but I prefer hear his voice first thing in the morning and last thing at night. His voice is very soothing to me. I told him I feel closer to him when I am hearing his voice. Reading a text I don't get that comfort. He never asked me again about the texting. And he paid for the bill. He wanted to make sure that I never missed a message.
 
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