Should I Tell Him? #2

[BeeYoung1]

Thank you to everyone who gave their 2 cents on the question I posted a few days ago “ Should I tell Him?”. Some of your posts were very insightful. Unfortunately, now I’m even more confused! So many folks say “ don’t tell” with really good reasons and the ones who say that “ I should tell” have good reasons also. I gained a lot of perspective but I’m still in the same place I started. I know this is a decision that I have to make on my own but I am just so confused about this one. Both of the consequences just seem so unbearable! I guess I have some more soul searching to do. I guess I have to admit that I’m leaning towards telling him. Only because deep inside I feel it’s the right thing to do. A part of feels like if he stays with me he’ll just use it as an excuse to cheat behind my back or say “See! Your’e just like me after all!”. I would hate to give him that satisfaction. But it is getting harder and harder to look him in the eye and even harder to look at myself in the mirror. Not sure if I want to live the next 20 years like this. Anybody know how much a one way ticket to the moon is. Lol?

(Original Post)
When my DH and I were in high School as BF and GF I "literally" caught him cheating on me with my so called cousin. We broke up and then somehow got back together (long story ). Years later we got married and after the first 2 years of marriage I think he cheated on me again but I was not really sure. I got so mad that (regretfully ) I cheated on him too. I never told him and I still feel guilty about it. Should I tell him and clear my concious? Sometimes I feel like such a fake even though I really love him and I'm positive that he really loves me. I've been told by some that if we have real love then we will be able to get passed it. But I'm just afraid and not really sure. Any Advice out there from older members?

 

[HoneyA]

Well you already got my advice but if you want to tell him tell him.

 

[Amcd]

You are not going to get any answers that are different from what you got the first time around. Ultimately the decision is up to you. Maybe I'm an awful person, but I think I could eventually live with the guilt, but I'm also sure that my husband would leave me if I ever cheated. You do what is best for you, good luck.

 

[janda]

I didn't see the original post but here is my two cents. What could you possibly gain by telling him? You want to hurt your DH just to clear your conscious? Nothing good will come out of telling him-- it would just be a selfish thing to do. So, unless you are looking for a divorce, keep your mouth shut and NEVER speak of this!

 

[ThickHair]

Your new post is nothing new. I doubt that anyone will switch sides on their position. It seems like you really want to tell. Not being snarky but what is your problem? Are you going to post another time about the same topic? Women up and tell or keep your mouth shut.

 

[Melody.Monroe]

Here is something that I know from experience - PLUS it is WRITTEN...in the bible that is - but what is done in the dark will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS come to light! This I promise you. It may not be right when it happens...could be 30 years from now but he will find out somehow, someway. It should be from your mouth...but at the same time..."if it ain't broke don't fix it." If you want to wait until he finds out and then explain yourself you can do that too...but he would be more hurt that you didn't tell him yourself. But it does seem that men are less forgiving when they are the ones that get cheated on. And Guilt...she's a greedy ***** and she LOVES to eat people alive...her appetite is never satisfied, and she only moves on to the next victim when the current victim has no more guilt for her to feed off of...do what YOU feel is right. Will telling him BETTER whatever the situation is or ultimately cause latent problems to resurface??

 

[chocolatedoll18]

Am i the only one who feels a certain way about why she feels so guilty after he cheated twice? You stayed with him after he cheated and now you want to go and clear your conscious because yall are in a good place. If he cheated again you might not be so willing to tell all. Only you know what you should do but i've heard from male friends that once they find out you were with someone else they will leave, no matter how many second chances you gave them

 

[carcajada]

Am i the only one who feels a certain way about why she feels so guilty after he cheated twice? You stayed with him after he cheated and now you want to go and clear your conscious because yall are in a good place. If he cheated again you might not be so willing to tell all. Only you know what you should do but i've heard from male friends that once they find out you were with someone else they will leave, no matter how many second chances you gave them.

Op, please don't make a divorce thread after we told you what will happen. Enjoy a guilt free and husband free life.

 

[ShortyDooWhop]

I didn't read the first thread so if my advice is redundant please disregard it. If I were you, I'd ask him to go to couples counselling. I advise you to try to address how his infidelity affected you, then ask him how he would feel if you cheated. His response should help you figure out whether it's information that you really need to share with him.

HTH

 

[*CherryPie*]

I would tell him since you're feeling this guilty. Guilt and secrets will wreak havoc on you, mentally. I wouldn't hold on to something that's causing me mental trauma, just because he would be hurt. I would tell, and then deal with theconsequences.

Anyway, he cheated too , maybe even TWICE.....so what he says wouldn't really hold much water to me.

ETA: Me, personally? He would never know. .........because I wouldn't feel guilty after he has cheated.

What am I saying?!?.......I wouldn't even be with him after he cheated.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

...................................

 

[NappiShawti]

don't tell hun...u will lose your husband without a doubt. he doesnt need to kno u were unfaithful, esp. if he is too.

 

[God_Favor]

seem like you want to tell , so I think you should do it asap. Seems to be really on your heart to do this. So go for it !!!

Not that it matte rs a bit, but I feel if its the past leave it there especially if you don't have feelings for the other man and want to be with him.

But being honest, he has the right to know the truth and he should be given the opportunity to choose if he still wants to be wit.

Uh you. You knew about his other women and stayed he probably will do the same. And maybe you guys get s fresh start
Sent from my PC36100 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[QueenFee]

Do you want to tell him because you think he should know or do you want to tell him because you want him to hurt like you did when he cheated on you?

 

[classychic1908]

If that situation has no bearing on your current life-- what could you possibly gain from telling him?????????? Are you trying to sabotage your marriage?? IMHO take the guilt as a lesson learned and keep it to yourself!

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Just tell him, its no point in you walking around feeling extra guilty. just be prepared for what may or may not happen. Men are NOT as forgiving as women, period.

 

[*CherryPie*]

OP, Did you tell him?

 

[msdeevee]

This is the same thing with no real difference except that your conscience is eating you alive.

No one can tell you what you want or need to hear. The decision is ultimately yours and believe me you will have to live with the consequences of your decision all by yourself.

As I said in the first thread a woman that loves her man can forgive him most times for an indiscretion and yes we all say if it ever happens I'm out but when it actually happens it's a whole new scenario. I know many women that have been through it and have forgiven their husbands and moved on .

On the other hand if a man finds out his wife has let another man trespass "on his territory" their like dogs that have marked their property and that calls into question their ego's , their manhood....all that.

Unless your Husband is a very special man he will probably look to leave you. I hope when you clear your conscience you are prepared to live with that.

You have to make your own peace.