Settling vs. Adjusting

Mane.Attraction

Mane.Attraction

New Member
A couple of friends and I were discussing how we have a mental checklist of qualities that we want in our significant other/future husbands, and we all realize the purpose of our individual "checklist" is so we don't settle for anything less than what we want from our significant other, but my question to you is:

Can a woman become too attached to her checklist?

Would you ever be willing to adjust you "criteria" (for lack of better word)?

And also, is your checklist centered around material things instead of characteristics and personality?

Also, do you have certain dealbreakers in your checklist when you're getting to know someone? (i.e. for me, if he's not Christian, I can't go NO FURTHER)

Some of my male friends that took part in our discussion seem to think that these checklists keep us from finding love instead of guiding us to it, and I just wanted to know if you felt that that's a true statement.
 
I wouldn't say I have a checklist per se but having things that makes me feel automatically as if we won't be compatible is kind of the same thing. For example, I'm not interested in high school diploma only men, and being an atheist, I'm not checking to date religious men (even though having some kind of supernatural higher power belief is not a dealbreaker). I would say my only dealbreaker is having a child; you have a child, no thanks.

Other than that, I'm pretty flexible. I don't think those things are unreasonable so I don't think it limits my pool too much, and since those are things that I'm really not interested in budging on I'm ok with it eliminating whoever qualifies.
 
Like Patty(Millionaire Matchmaker) says; you need to find you non-negotiables, anything else you can adjust to.

But when you start to overlook your non-negotiables, then you are starting to settle.
 
I had a checklist of like 20-30 different things from the age of 18-22. It got me no where.
Finally when I reached 23, I was able to do some real self reflecting and soul searching and narrowed my list down to about five things.

He has to be:
-my height (5'9") or taller
-emotionally disciplined and supportive
-financially disciplined. This doesn't mean he has to make a bunch of $$ either.
-he must provide physical security
aaannnnddd drum roll please: the sex has to be good.

1 year later when I was 24, I met the man of my dreams (or checklist) and we just got married. I'm 26 now.

So yeah, i definitely think the checklists can hinder your search. It definitely did in my case. Because I guess theres so many things on the list that you can't focus on what you REALLY need from a man.
 
I think an extensive checklist can hinder your search. I had a long list of things I wanted. But I had to realize that I know what areas I won't negotiate on and what areas are negotiable.

Non-negotiable - religion, height, nationality, etc.

Negotiable - income to a degree, etc
 
I agree with the ladies who've already posted. Before, when I'd hear people criticize a woman for being too picky I'd always wonder how picky is too picky? But no one would give me an answer.:perplexed I just go by negotiables and non-negotiables.

Non-negotiables:
--Education (I'm busting my butt getting 2 degrees, I refuse to date a man who doesn't at least have 1)
--Family Oriented (added note: no kids, I don't have any so I don't think it's unreasonable for me to expect him not to)
--Ambition/Financial Security (No he doesn't have to be rich and I plan to work too but I want to live comfortably and want a man who takes seriously his role as a provider)
--Emotionally supportive
--Interest/Willingness to travel
--No smokers/excessive drinkers

Negotiables:
--Height (I'm 5'3 and while 5'10-5'11 is my ideal, as long as he's clearly taller than me I'm good)
--Race/Ethnicity (Very few restrictions when it comes to race/ethnicity. As long as he treats me right and I'm physically attracted to him, I'm good)
--Religion (don't care what his religion is as long as he has one, no Atheists)
 
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I don't see why height should be a nonnegotiable. That would be like looks or weight for a woman.
 
mischka most men won't look at you if you don't have the right cup size. So why should women settle/accept a male's less than desirable attribute(s)?

For me it boils down to preference. I'm 5'7 and I like to wear up to 4-inch heels; therefore I would need a guy at least 6'2.

Plus I find tall man sexually attractive. Something about his height, heightens that side of me a little. Therefore, for a husband I would need that attribute.
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Uh-huh I'm only 23 lol! Even if the right person was in my life right now I ain't ready for that! But if it means I come off as mature then I'll take it as a good sign.:lachen:
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ScorpioBeauty09 Yes you seem more mature than your age. 23!!! Gosh girl, I thought you were 28!

I wish more young ladies your age had your maturity! Then again I wish women older than you had your maturity....:lol:
 
For me it was taking a serious look at my wants and needs; my "list" was driven by my wants and I was left with yet another heart-break. When I decided to take a look at my needs, I found a totally different guy from all the other guys I've ever dated and it feels damn good!!!!
 
MarriageMaterial said:
mischka most men won't look at you if you don't have the right cup size. So why should women settle/accept a male's less than desirable attribute(s)?

For me it boils down to preference. I'm 5'7 and I like to wear up to 4-inch heels; therefore I would need a guy at least 6'2.

Plus I find tall man sexually attractive. Something about his height, heightens that side of me a little. Therefore, for a husband I would need that attribute.
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I've NEVER heard this. Sure I've heard men say they love some t&a but I'd never heard a single one say cup size was a nonnegotiable.

So you mean to tell me if brotherman was 5'11", loved you in your heels, and had his **** together, you'd be like "nah shorty...keep it moving!!"??

Nevermind...I'll leave it alone... :look:
 
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I wasn't gonna get into it because I seem to be disagreeing with everyone today, but height as a nonnegotiable, really? Ironic considering the comments in the op
 
Windsy said:
For me it was taking a serious look at my wants and needs; my "list" was driven by my wants and I was left with yet another heart-break. When I decided to take a look at my needs, I found a totally different guy from all the other guys I've ever dated and it feels damn good!!!!
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Exactly.

Syrah wanted a 6'2"+ man with broad shoulders (shoulders, traps and backs make me melt), and a good job (undefined). Dated a few of those and realized that I needed to adjust. Not settle...but revisit my expectations.

Syrah needs support, loyalty, humor, adventure and someone for whom "can not" is not in their vocabulary.

In reality, my needs became my wants, and my old wants? ehh..."Nice to haves". :lol:
 
Syrah said:
I've NEVER heard this. Sure I've heard men say they love some t&a but I'd never heard a single one say cup size was a nonnegotiable.

So you mean to tell me if brotherman was 5'11", loved you in your heels, and had his **** together, you'd be like "nah shorty...keep it moving!!"??

Nevermind...I'll leave it alone... :look:
Click to expand...


Sorry, I should have said SOME men and I have met them. Yes, I have had guys told me they weren't interested in various women because they were "A" cups. They like breast, I got it. Like I met a guy last year that doesn't like "D" cups. I get it he like smaller breasts.

YES, I would not consider a guy if he's 5'11. His height is important to me like knowing he's a good provider. I don't like short men; I don't want a relationship with one.

There's no right or wrong when it comes to a person's negotiable or non-negotiable list.
 
MarriageMaterial said:
Sorry, I should have said SOME men and I have met them. Yes, I have had guys told me they weren't interested in various women because they were "A" cups. They like breast, I got it. Like I met a guy last year that doesn't like "D" cups. I get it he like smaller breasts.

YES, I would not consider a guy if he's 5'11. His height is important to me like knowing he's a good provider. I don't like short men; I don't want a relationship with one.

There's no right or wrong when it comes to a person's negotiable or non-negotiable list.
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I'm with you. Short women in my life are always getting on me for wanting a taller man. And yet, they roll out with "I need someone 6'5 since I need to make sure my kids are tall." :lol: Or they have SOs who are least 7 inches taller by simple virtue of the fact they are 5'1.

I'm talking with a dude who is my height whom I like. It's too early to say if he meets all of my needs, but if he does, that's good for me. I like feeling protected, looking up, and feeling like a woman. Short men don't naturally do it for me. If I could pick, I would choose a less attractive taller man over a gorgeous looking dude of smaller stature all else being equal. Some women may want really nice teeth, good athletic body, etc.

But it's so funny to me how guys can desire girls with certain attributes and put it on their lists without even blinking. I'm skinny and do you know how many times dudes have been, "if only you were a bit thicker?"
 
the only non-negotiable i can think of is that you can.NOT have titties. idc if that makes me shallow, *****y, picky etc. even a *hint* of a titty will disqualify you.

if i end up with a man that could put my bras to good use; i settled.
 
I have had to revisit my list of essentials: confident, thoughtful, humble, sense of humor and physically fit. I am only 5'1 so the height thing is not a big deal to me. I actually like shorter guys. (I think I might be the only one giving them some love)

Everything else I can work around. I think I am flexible, although all of my friends would say otherwise. I am not in the best place in my life right now, thus I am really not trying to seriously date or get to know anyone and I don't do casual sex so I don't see the need in dating.

I really think that I will know him when I see him because I have a very clear picture of what I have to offer and what I can and can't tolerate in a mate. It seems with time I have gotten a clearer understanding of what it is gonna take to make a relationship work for me.
 
Oasis said:
the only non-negotiable i can think of is that you can.NOT have titties. idc if that makes me shallow, *****y, picky etc. even a *hint* of a titty will disqualify you.

if i end up with a man that could put my bras to good use; i settled.
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Quietly adds to non-negotiable list.....:look:
 
Gonna come right out and just say I think height is a dumbass qualifier :rolleyes: just seems so childish to me
 
nagawa said:
I'm with you. Short women in my life are always getting on me for wanting a taller man. And yet, they roll out with "I need someone 6'5 since I need to make sure my kids are tall." :lol: Or they have SOs who are least 7 inches taller by simple virtue of the fact they are 5'1.

I like feeling protected, looking up, and feeling like a woman. Short men don't naturally do it for me.
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I'm 5'3 and I'm kinda like the women you quoted. I don't want midgets for kids and being short, I want someone taller than me lol. But I also agree with the bolded. Taller guys make me feel more like a woman.:lick: Although the guys I attract are usually taller, as long as he's taller than me, height is negotiable. At the end of the day all I want is someone to love me.:grin:
 
For me the non negotiables are things like spirituality, wanting/not wanting kids, and general personality characteristics like being kind, respectful, CONFIDENT, and open minded. And I need to be attracted to him, I ain't saying you gotta be Boris or Idris, but I need to not be repulsed at the thought of kissing you. Also, I'm in shape, he needs to be in shape too and I don't care if thats shallow or not. I've went the route of trying to "make" myself be attracted to the "nice" guys, that didn't work. Men don't budge on their physical criteria and I'm not either (anymore).
 
I have a couple but my biggest non negotiable - I will NOT date a man who does not take care of his kids. Period. Not gonna happen.
 
I don't have any physical non-negotiables. Sure, I have physical preferences but no automatic disqualifiers...I would be open to compensating factors. Those factors might not outweigh the deficiencies but I would at least honestly consider them.

Priorities definitely change as you get older...or at least they have for me. I remember when an ethnic-sounding first name or odd last name was a disqualifier for me....DUMB!!!
 
Oasis said:
the only non-negotiable i can think of is that you can.NOT have titties. idc if that makes me shallow, *****y, picky etc. even a *hint* of a titty will disqualify you.

if i end up with a man that could put my bras to good use; i settled.
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You mean, mitties? :lol:
 
The average American height - male is 5 feet 9.2 inches. This means half of all American men are taller than 5 feet 9 inches and half are shorter than 5 feet 9 inches.

They say taller...but not about how much. DH is 5'11 so he exceeds the average. I was dating 6'4" the day I met DH. Sister married 6"5 guy and he's a bum. Their kids turned out to be 5'10 and 6'2---no guarantee.

Feeling protected--ha..that just means he has longer legs to outrun you when who/whatever attacks....not a sign of chivalry.
 
First off, thanks for all the input ladies!!! Really appreciate it...me and my friends were having part 2 of our discussion after I read through these replies!


And I Just have to say that I TOTALLY agree with this post:
Windsy said:
For me it was taking a serious look at my wants and needs; my "list" was driven by my wants and I was left with yet another heart-break. When I decided to take a look at my needs, I found a totally different guy from all the other guys I've ever dated and it feels damn good!!!!
Click to expand...

I will be TOTALLY satisfied when I get ALL of what I NEED and some of what I want!
 
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