Is this settling??

[JustifiablyMe]

This reminds me of the rules revisited; he said people never want to "settle" because they date based on their potential; not who they are right now. Or something to that effect lol.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Oh hell naw.

I'll be damned if I'm like "ewww" about a dude and HE'S holding out on marrying ME.

The AUDACITY.

 

[nlamr2013]

Everyone settles a little because we all have this idea of the perfect mate and no one can ever live up to that.

Saying that, if you're compromising in things you said we're concrete (like for example for me would be that my future spouse is Godly) then that's where the problems lie but to compromise on something small (ex for me looking fine to me in the face and like he hits the gym lol) is normal compromise because I'm sure there will be things about me he had on his list that I don't meet. Also, we can work on that physique

 

[FoxxyLocs]

You have to have sex when you're married (unless you're going to be the 3yr no sex lady). But generally there's sex involved. I'm not signing up for lifelong sex with somebody who turns my stomach.

 

[Kiadodie]

Oh hell naw.

I'll be damned if I'm like "ewww" about a dude and HE'S holding out on marrying ME.

OK?!?!?

 

[Kiadodie]

Sooo would you give that advice in reference to this post?



No shade by the way (to either of you). I'm just genuinely curious because a lot of us seem to have this problem but I don't think our level of attractiveness is the factor. Or maybe it is and we should lower our standards.

No, I dont think that is my problem at all and I'm not trying to brag.

 

[Kiadodie]

you can tell youre holding out for men that are too attractive for you if the men you desire NEVER approach you.

\

bunnycolvin Yes so in my case, I get approached by all types..thing is I find ON LINE that the alright ones are usually not that great as far as education and how much they make and being a Christian (that is my desire). Then I find the ugly ones have almost everything I want on paper besides looks..I mean damn I just want above average like me..not SHREK. For example I was talking to this fine guy back and forth and we exchanged numbers on email. THEN I went thru his profile with a fine tooth comb..it said his salary was $30K-$50 I was like What????? I never returned his call.

ALL my life I settled in every way because I didn't know my worth. NOW after a lot of work on myself I DO know my worth and I want my MATCH.

 

[CaraWalker]

Sooo would you give that advice in reference to this post?



No shade by the way (to either of you). I'm just genuinely curious because a lot of us seem to have this problem but I don't think our level of attractiveness is the factor. Or maybe it is and we should lower our standards.

yeah, i didnt mention the guys that DO approach you - we ALL get approached by gross men who are shooting way out of their league. its the lack of the ones you DO want thats the problem. if there is such a consistent mismatch in the guys you think are at your level i honestly think (and its not shade) that for whatever reason you need to reconsider where your league is.

from where im sitting, i think most of us/most women do fairly well with being approached by men we want to be approached by. i think most of us date men we are attracted to. so complaints about super attractive men, i just feel it's really about something else.

(also, i will just toss in that i think a lot of the time if youre cute and think you should be getting better men its probably related to style issues and other visible things beyond pretty face/nice figure.)

 

[Farida]

Sometimes physical attraction develops after other qualities reel you in. I have found myself obsessed with guys I did not find attractive at first and later disgusted by dudes who were hot at the get-go.

You should not marry someone who physically disgusts you!!!! It does not matter how otherwise great the person is. If the attraction does not develop, run!

 

[Kiadodie]

From a spriritual context, I believe you have not, because you ask not. I will most certainly ask for the man of my dreams (looks included), but I believe that I will ultimately end up with the man that is "best" for me. He may or may not include everything on my list, but I believe when it is divine intervention you wont even notice the things he didnt have, because you will be so taken by the things he DOES have.

I have no intention of forcing "attraction" and its unfair to the other person if he wants to cuddle and u are content letting him hold your hand, because you are not genuinely attracted to him and dont want to get close. LOL

I agree with your whole post and believe that to be true for myself.

 

[Britt]

Sooo would you give that advice in reference to this post?



No shade by the way (to either of you). I'm just genuinely curious because a lot of us seem to have this problem but I don't think our level of attractiveness is the factor. Or maybe it is and we should lower our standards.

I don't need advice for my post lol ... I was honestly just venting.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Good question girl!! Italiano

I've often toyed with this myself. In the past I think my standards were a little higher, but now that I'm getting older, wiser, and have had more experience, I think NOW days I would definitely look at a guys'

-PERSONALITY qualities
-His "status"
-The Chemistry (sometimes a guy isn't a GQ model in looks, but we have awesome chemistry together )
-How he TREATS me (this is big)
-How compatible we are (life outlook, background, values, morals, etc)
-Attraction

So, it's hard to say.... I have felt kind of Meh or neutral about a guy when I first met him, but after spending more time w/him and seeing how he treats me, Iv'e become VERY VERY attracted to him and even liked his looks a LOT!

But I've NEVER been able to go from first meeting a guy and being grossed out or like "NO way..." and have it turn into "oh I love you!" . I think I have to either LIKE a guy right off the bat OR be somewhat neutral about him for it to turn into something more on MY end. I'm just not a girl who finds it easy for guys to "grow" on her.

I dont' have to be having heart palpitations in order for me to date a guy, but there has to be SOMETHING about him that I find attractive....even in his looks. His smile, his eyes, SOMETHING.

In answer to your question...YES I think your friend is settling if she has been dating a guy for YEARS and is grossed out by him...

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to settle in marriage. I HAVE to be INTO the guy....
​

​

Oh hell naw.

I'll be damned if I'm like "ewww" about a dude and HE'S holding out on marrying ME.

OKAY???

 

[MsKinkycurl]

As long as a man is average and above in the categories that matter to me I would not consider it settling.

If anything about him is an embarassment to me then it is settling.

 

[NijaG]

A few yrs down the road, after she's had a kid or two, the OP's friend's husband/SO will be in that Dead Bed's forum complaining on how they only have sex once a year. But it wasn't like like when they were just dating and she hadn't gotten the ring yet.

Then depending on her level of self-denial and self-righteousness, if he cheats, she'll be very angry and unforgiving because in her mind she was doing him a favor by being with him. A man she deep down feels she's better then, so he should be grateful she settled on him.

 

[FelaShrine]

While on match, I only chose men who contacted me and had graduate degrees and who were not big sports fans and not extremely religious. l.

Ive herad this from some women recently..before it never mattered lol. I can think of some reasons why this is big now..but whats your reason(s)?

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Good question girl!! @Italiano

I've often toyed with this myself. In the past I think my standards were a little higher, but now that I'm getting older, wiser, and have had more experience, I think NOW days I would definitely look at a guys'

-PERSONALITY qualities
-His "status"
-The Chemistry (sometimes a guy isn't a GQ model in looks, but we have awesome chemistry together )
-How he TREATS me (this is big)
-How compatible we are (life outlook, background, values, morals, etc)
-Attraction

So, it's hard to say.... I have felt kind of Meh or neutral about a guy when I first met him, but after spending more time w/him and seeing how he treats me, Iv'e become VERY VERY attracted to him and even liked his looks a LOT!

But I've NEVER been able to go from first meeting a guy and being grossed out or like "NO way..." and have it turn into "oh I love you!" . I think I have to either LIKE a guy right off the bat OR be somewhat neutral about him for it to turn into something more on MY end. I'm just not a girl who finds it easy for guys to "grow" on her.

I dont' have to be having heart palpitations in order for me to date a guy, but there has to be SOMETHING about him that I find attractive....even in his looks. His smile, his eyes, SOMETHING.

In answer to your question...YES I think your friend is settling if she has been dating a guy for YEARS and is grossed out by him...

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to settle in marriage. I HAVE to be INTO the guy...​

This right here. "Ewwww" upon first sight is a clear and definitely deal-breaker. But if a guy is "average" or I feel neutral, then I would give a chance to get to know him, and then evaluate how I feel.

If I were single and looking for a relationship, especially using online dating as a means where all you have is a picture and a short profile, I would opt to at least give the "average-looking" guy an initial chance.

My dating experiences have been varied. I've gone out with extremely attractive dudes that actually turned out to be duds, didn't have the personality characteristics, commitment or will to make a relationship work, and on the other hand, I have had wonderful, loving relationships with men that I did not have an immediate "he's so fine" reaction. My attraction toward them grew as we got to know one another.

​

 

[Kiadodie]

This right here. "Ewwww" upon first sight is a clear and definitely deal-breaker. But if a guy is "average" or I feel neutral, then I would give a chance to get to know him, and then evaluate how I feel.

If I were single and looking for a relationship, especially using online dating as a means where all you have is a picture and a short profile, I would opt to at least give the "average-looking" guy an initial chance.

My dating experiences have been varied. I've gone out with extremely attractive dudes that actually turned out to be duds, didn't have the personality characteristics, commitment or will to make a relationship work, and on the other hand, I have had wonderful, loving relationships with men that I did not have an immediate "he's so fine" reaction. My attraction toward them grew as we got to know one another.

​

Yes, I've given "average" looking guys a first date but never a guy that I said "ewww" about. I literally asked her, how did you go from ewww and being bored with him to having a relationship and she said she decided to look at the positives rather than the negatives.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Yes, I've given "average" looking guys a first date but never a guy that I said "ewww" about. I literally asked her, how did you go from ewww and being bored with him to having a relationship and she said she decided to look at the positives rather than the negatives.

No freaking way.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I would say as long as she is happy and her needs are being met then who cares if she went from "ewww" to "wow". Some people have high expectations, or come to a date with an already negative attitude so they may 'miss' the positive parts of the date. Maybe those first few dates were not so bad...

But you mentioned that she isn't happy, I don't see the point of her staying if she isn't happy.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

This right here. "Ewwww" upon first sight is a clear and definitely deal-breaker. But if a guy is "average" or I feel neutral, then I would give a chance to get to know him, and then evaluate how I feel.

If I were single and looking for a relationship, especially using online dating as a means where all you have is a picture and a short profile, I would opt to at least give the "average-looking" guy an initial chance.

My dating experiences have been varied. I've gone out with extremely attractive dudes that actually turned out to be duds, didn't have the personality characteristics, commitment or will to make a relationship work, and on the other hand, I have had wonderful, loving relationships with men that I did not have an immediate "he's so fine" reaction. My attraction toward them grew as we got to know one another.

​

Yep.... I've had this experience too.

Honestly, I think that's probably the BEST situation because it keeps the woman naturally being "hard to get" and the woman doesn't fall for the guy too hard. Every guy that I was ga-ga about from the get go didn't end up working out and I think part of that is because I was probably MORE into the guy than he was into me.

While I'm not going to SETTLE on looks, if a guy is fairly attractive, or even just average in attractiveness, I would definitely give him a chance, especially if he is confident, nice, friendly, engaging, attentive, treats me well, and pursues me. It's amazing to me how guys who I didn't even give too much of a care about in the beginning turned out to be guys that I became enamored with when I really got to know them, see how they treated other people, see how they treated me, etc. Its' like I developed a post-crush on them simply because they were so COOL, and their looks grew better over time. People can be just so-so to you in attractiveness, but when you REALLY get to know them and they are a really NICE person towards you and others, it's amazing how you start looking at them and are like: "hmmm...I never noticed that he actually has a cute smile...." or something like that lol. It's happened to me with guy friends in the past lol.

Idk if the REVERSE works the same way for guys though. erplexed I've always been of the impression that guys HAVE to find you attractive from JUMP, and that you don't "grow on them" in terms of attractiveness. But...I could be wrong...