Separated But Not Filing Divorce

[aribell]

**No quotes please**

So, a good friend of mine is separated from his wife (her doing). There is no expectation of reconciliation, but my friend, for personal and religious reasons, doesn't want to file for divorce because he wasn't the one who chose to leave. He claims that he would never resume a relationship with her, but he did take things pretty hard.

In the meantime, he got on dating sites and met a nice young woman. They hit it off and began seeing one another daily (but not sleeping together). This has gone on for a couple of months, and he's only had great things to say about her. Tonight, she called it off with him saying that even though she liked him a lot, she felt like she was having an affair with a married man and didn't want to see him anymore so long as he was married.

He called me really upset that she broke up with him, saying it didn't make sense since he was such a good man to her, he was annoyed by it, what difference did it make that he was "technically" married since he and his wife don't communicate. I took her side and said she had no way of knowing what his real intentions are, or his actual relationship with his wife, since neither he nor his wife seem willing to file, and that any woman who knows her worth would do the same thing.

He was still upset (with his "ex-gf") when we hung up. He said another female friend of his empathized with the girl but thought she was overreacting. The girl's actions seemed pretty obvious to me, but what do you think?

 

[fula97]

The ex GF is not over reacting. There is no upside for her since he is MARRIED and has no intention of divorcing his wife. It's also hypocritical to stay married for religious reasons but not understand why someone would not want to be in a relationship with no hope of marriage since he is still married

 

[Shimmie]

The 'other woman' did the right thing. Your friend is having issues with rejection. Both his wife and the "other woman" rejected him and this is what he is having a hard time with.

He needs to go into relationship counseling to heal and move in the right direction.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

The ex GF is not over reacting. There is no upside for her since he is MARRIED and has no intention of divorcing his wife. It's also hypocritical to stay married for religious reasons but not understand why someone would not want to be in a relationship with no hope of marriage since he is still married

I agree and if he’s religious why does he feel comfortable dating women who would date married men. Wouldn’t he question their morals and values? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was single would he date a married women for long term? It sounds like he’s just thinking about himself. “What about me and my wants and needs?” If he really loved his girlfriend he would have divorced the wife and married the girlfriend. He lacks empathy. How do you think the girlfriend feels dating a married man and introducing him to friends and family knowing eventually she will have to tell them he’s married when they don’t see the relationship extend beyond a certain point. You can’t be in two relationships at once and expect the other person to be okay, granted you don’t see your ex wife anymore but you’re still in a covenant with her. His girlfriend left because she didn’t see a future with him. I’m sure his girlfriend has her own goals and dreams of getting married. Him being married was a deal breaker for her, accept it and move on to someone else that doesn’t care that you’re married.

 

[NijaG]

@aribell

Any insights on why his wife left?

Him dating but saying he has no intentions of getting a divorce and then getting upset at the ex-gf tells me a little something about him.

Like another poster said....... get therapy and/or date women 100% comfortable with dating a married man and not looking for anything serious.

 

[NijaG]

Dupe

 

[leona2025]

Good she moved on. Me and my ex husband were separated for several years. I was never motivated to get divorce even tho I dated. I did inform everyone I dated that I was still married. When I met someone I really liked and could see a future with I went on and got a divorce. In my heart previous to that I secretly harbored hope that possibly in the future we would reconcile.

I do feel like that connection is still there and open. Today they may hate each other, but tomorrow who knows. Also I believe if he really loved his ex gf he wouldnt want to put her in a position to be shame in front of her family and friends.

Beyond that I think it's also about respecting her. To be honest I didn't respect any of the guys I dated and I secretly discounted them as serious partners since they were willing participants in my foolishness, lol I know thats bad. How can you take anyone serious when they are married to someone else?

 

[LiftedUp]

He's also technically committing adultery. Where are his religious convictions when it comes to that?

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Kudos to the ex gf. May she stick to her boundaries to infinity and beyond.

 

[B_Phlyy]

Religion aside, you are single to you're married and then you're married until you're divorced. The new woman did the right thing.

 

[LivingInPeace]

He sounds like he doesn’t respect women’s boundaries. His wife doesn’t want him but he won’t go through with a divorce. He doesn’t understand why a woman would not want to date a married man. He’s self-absorbed.

 

[Lylddlebit]

A married man is either his wife's concern or problem. Anything beyond that I'd leave alone. Few things get your hurt as easily as being in the middle of other people's bs. I wonder if the girl found out he was married after things progressed or if she always knew. In either case I am glad she left him in his bull before sex took place.

 

[KimPossibli]

your friend is crazy. I'm glad the girl left.

 

[Ms. Tarabotti]

You are either married or you are not. How long does he expect to be in this grey area? If there is no hope of reconciliation, one person ought to be grown up enough to file for divorce.

I don't know if God approves of divorce (I believe that He allows it for certain situations) but I'm pretty sure that He disapproves of adultery which is what your friend is committing. It doesn't matter if there is no hope of reconciliation, no communication between the partners, what he sees as a little 'technicality' is a pretty big deal. To be blunt, your friend is still married and as such should not be on dating sites until his marriage is legally ended. If he is having trouble accepting this, he needs to talk to a minister/priest in his faith.

 

[livinbestlyfe]

The ex-gf was smart to move on. Who’s to say whether he and his wife decide to reconcile. I also don’t date married/separated men, too risky. I agree with the other poster who said, he shouldn’t be on dating sites until he is divorced. If he is looking to date someone with moral standards, his chances of maintaining a relationship under these circumstances are bleak.

 

[OhTall1]

The ex GF is not over reacting. There is no upside for her since he is MARRIED and has no intention of divorcing his wife.

Yeah, I have no problem with separated people dating, but they need to be actively engaged in getting a divorce.

 

[aribell]

Thanks ladies. My friend certainly has his issues, but his wife had just as many if not more. She pulled a vague "I never really loved you, I was just caught up in the idea of being married to 'Mr. Popular' (from h.s.)." She abruptly left her first husband and the father of her children as well.

I told him from the beginning that he had no business trying to date people if he wasn't going to get a divorce, and he told me to mind my business . TBH, I feel little torn because on one hand I am not going to tell someone they should divorce their spouse, at the same time this seems like a classic case of someone losing out on someone really good for the sake of holding onto someone really dysfunctional. He may be missing out on a potential happy ending with this woman or anyone else.

But I was also surprised at how self-centered he was being in refusing to see the girlfriend's perspective. I never saw him as being that selfish, but I agree with @Shimmie that he is probably hurting more than anything.

 

[Theresamonet]

If he can’t understand what the issue is, then the “ex-gf” certainly dodged a bullet with this friend of yours.

 

[Mai Tai]

He needs therapy.

He doesn’t believe in divorce for religious reasons, but he believes in adultery? He sounds like the dysfunctional one. Get some help.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

Is your guy dating my friend
naw but forreal I had to tell my friend that folks get cut for less. It’s not over until it’s actually over. Getting involved beforehand is a bad idea.

 

[msbettyboop]

NO, SHE IS NOT OVERREACTING. She is seeing a married man and it sounds like a dysfunctional one too. He should be in therapy and leave single women alone to find their right man. Sorry for shouting.

 

[NijaG]

Hurting or not..... he is still a user, time-Waster and selfish like a lot of men.

 

[Kimiche]

The ex-gf was smart to move on. Who’s to say whether he and his wife decide to reconcile. I also don’t date married/separated men, too risky. I agree with the other poster who said, he shouldn’t be on dating sites until he is divorced. If he is looking to date someone with moral standards, his chances of maintaining a relationship under these circumstances are bleak.

Exactly! I get mad when I am on dating sites and I see that a man is separated. Next!!! That is selfish as heck to me. Separated is still married and I do not date married men at all. A man is supposed to be free for us to take any next steps in our relationship. We can't get married because he's already married, and if I ended up getting pregnant by him, then I'd be pregnant for a married man.

 

[theRaven]

I normally don’t give advice in these type of threads but,

OP I think you should perhaps maybe separate how you see your friend versus their relationship/dating situation and just stay out of it. Even though he is your friend he is STILL a man. Which means he is selfish at his core. No matter what he states what his wife does or doesn’t do, why they are or not divorced. You are still hearing all of this information from him as a source. I don’t want to come across mean or rude but be careful with over sympathizing for him. He more than likely is be very much hurting but he is still hurting another woman by dating as a married man.

 

[Mai Tai]

I normally don’t give advice in these type of threads but...No matter what he states what his wife does or doesn’t do, why they are or not divorced. You are still hearing all of this information from him as a source. I don’t want to come across mean or rude but be careful with over sympathizing for him. He more than likely is be very much hurting but he is still hurting another woman by dating as a married man.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

When a man is your lover/husband/BF.....he is not the same man in the eyes of his friend/non-sexual partner. When we were going through a hard time I dropped a tidbit of my husband's behavior to his sister in confidence. She acted like she couldn't believe her brother was such a jerk...and I wasn't surprised because she wasn't sleeping with him. So don't be surprised at your friend's antics to other women he is seeing intimately. They show 2 different sides!

 

[NijaG]

When a man is your lover/husband/BF.....he is not the same man in the eyes of his friend/non-sexual partner. When we were going through a hard time I dropped a tidbit of my husband's behavior to his sister in confidence. She acted like she couldn't believe her brother was such a jerk...and I wasn't surprised because she wasn't sleeping with him. So don't be surprised at your friend's antics to other women he is seeing intimately. They show 2 different sides!

TRUTH!!!

I can vouch for my single male relatives and friends as "male relatives" and "friends". I cannot speak on who they are or what they become in relationships.

Now if they've had a few good rlsps that ended amicably and the women didn't have a bad word to say about them, then I can mention that aspect.

For the most part though, I don't vouch for them as romantic partners.

 

[aribell]

I normally don’t give advice in these type of threads but,

OP I think you should perhaps maybe separate how you see your friend versus their relationship/dating situation and just stay out of it. Even though he is your friend he is STILL a man. Which means he is selfish at his core. No matter what he states what his wife does or doesn’t do, why they are or not divorced. You are still hearing all of this information from him as a source. I don’t want to come across mean or rude but be careful with over sympathizing for him. He more than likely is be very much hurting but he is still hurting another woman by dating as a married man.

Well, I mentioned that I told him he was wrong for dating anyone at all from the beginning. I haven't stopped telling him that. We've known one another since being teenagers and he hasn't hidden his dirty laundry or his mistakes. I don't think he's an innocent actor, but he has had a very difficult time this year and I do think that is impacting his decisions.

However, the disappointments that continue to come from his refusal to see why being "technically legally married" still matters are on him. Even my DH jumped into the conversation to tell him to just let the ex go and move on with his life. But I don't have any ongoing investment in saving him from his mess at this point. :shrug:

 

[luckiestdestiny]

He sounds like he doesn’t respect women’s boundaries. His wife doesn’t want him but he won’t go through with a divorce. He doesn’t understand why a woman would not want to date a married man. He’s self-absorbed.

Thank you. This man is a piece of work. He's just pretend nice guy, but his actions demonstrate the opposite no matter what he says to the OP.

Dude is self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate of other's feelings, among other things just from the descriptions. And it's insulting that he's hiding all of that under the guise of a devotion to religion which has absolutely nothing to do with his actions.

Basically he wants his cake and wants to eat it too, as well as the ex gf's cake . He's just greedy. He wants to guilt her into submission (probably has done that prior with the wife because nature doesn't change that much and what he's demonstrating now is a part of who he is as a person). I'm pretty certain he's fine with keeping her in limbo land while he goes around preaching about his marriage beliefs. When it comes down to it, he's interested in blocking her from getting the life she wants with a man who is eligible and capable of marriage and thank goodness she recognizes that and isn't down for it (nor listening to the mind manipulation).