Self-love/knowing Your Worth...what Helped You To Build That.

I can't say there was any one thing that helped me to realize my worth but I spent a lot of time getting back to the woman I was before my ex. I had allowed him to project his insecurities on me so when we parted ways I went on a journey of self Improvement and discovery. Sounds kinda cliche I know.

I traveled...a lot! I started exercising, went back to school and spent a lot of time with people that I knew loved me unconditionally. I basically pampered myself , spiritually & physically and it wasn't long before I remembered how I felt about myself before all the BS.
 
I saved this quote from a member here, can't remember her name though. I thought it was really wonderful.

"I had to remember that there was a ME first, just ME, BEFORE I was a wife, before I was a mom and that ME was a full, complete, and whole person. I was not a HALF of anything. I was WHOLE back then and I was still WHOLE and the WHOLE of ME was outstanding, truly a fabulous human being. We forget that part. We get so embroiled in family and relationships, we forget where we came from and who we are.

Relationships are a truly nice part of life. They ENHANCE things (when they are good), they are like the icing on the cake but if you scrape the icing off of a cake, there is still a heck of a nice cake under there. It is firm and spongy and moist and sweet. That's YOU! One day you may find some more icing, maybe not. You can if you want to, there are all kinds -- chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, whipped, buttercream, fondant, cream cheese... (I prefer CHOCOLATE *cough*) but just remember always that your cake is rootin' tootin' tasty AS IS."

I will be back with more thoughts later. I think it's much harder than we realize to really know our worth though.
 
hopeful said:
I saved this quote from a member here, can't remember her name though. I thought it was really wonderful.

"I had to remember that there was a ME first, just ME, BEFORE I was a wife, before I was a mom and that ME was a full, complete, and whole person. I was not a HALF of anything. I was WHOLE back then and I was still WHOLE and the WHOLE of ME was outstanding, truly a fabulous human being. We forget that part. We get so embroiled in family and relationships, we forget where we came from and who we are.

Relationships are a truly nice part of life. They ENHANCE things (when they are good), they are like the icing on the cake but if you scrape the icing off of a cake, there is still a heck of a nice cake under there. It is firm and spongy and moist and sweet. That's YOU! One day you may find some more icing, maybe not. You can if you want to, there are all kinds -- chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, whipped, buttercream, fondant, cream cheese... (I prefer CHOCOLATE *cough*) but just remember always that your cake is rootin' tootin' tasty AS IS."

I will be back with more thoughts later. I think it's much harder than we realize to really know our worth though.
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^^I LOVE this analogy! Thanks for reposting! :yep: It's SO true.


You know what honestly OP...I've been there before (where you feel like after a break up you've lost your sense of self-worth), and I'm still working on it sometimes. But to be honest, the MAIN thing that helped me to know my self-worth was really just DOING little things for myself, improving myself, taking care of ME, and knowing my boundaries about what I would and would NOT tolerate. :yep:

Little things such as:
-Taking time out of each day for "Me time"
-Telling myself GOOD, positive thoughts :yep:
-pampering myself (ie. manicure, pedicure, massage, etc)
-Exercising regularly (I ALWAYS feel better about myself when I sweat it out at the gym! :up: )
-eating well
-Getting sufficient SLEEP
-Keeping my life (and my head) clutter-free...getting rid of junk, purging the needless things in life, keeping my surroundings CLEAN
- Working on improving myself (ie. reading up on self-help books, going to a therapist if needed, making sure my health--physical AND mental/emotional--is the best it can be)
-making sure I have a GOOD support group of family and friends
-Getting rid of (or severely limiting my time with) the naysayers/negative Nancy's and downers in my life. :hand:

Doing all of these little things for yourself just proves to yourself that you LOVE yourself. Even if you don't really feel it at first, when you continue to do these things, it will signify to your brain that you love yourself. And when you TRULY love yourself, you will automatically "know" your self-worth, and others will be able to sense it as well. It can be hard once someone or something has stolen your sense of self-worth, but it can ALWAYS be attained again. :yep:
 
This is where I am now after 10 years of marriage, 2 young kids and a host of responsibilities. I've lost me and became clinically depressed. I became an extension of someone instead a whole being I was meant to be. I am currently in therapy and finishing up a professional qualification I started years ago. It's been 3 months and I am starting to see that I am worthy, important and deserve to be treated well. I am finally realizing my own worth after a childhood of neglect and a marriage with even more neglect.
 
I'm still on this journey but what set things in motion for me was just being sick and tired of being sick and tired and getting my heart broken yet again. I completely lost myself, giving 110% of me and getting maybe 5 in return. I HATED the person I'd become trying to hold on to this thing that clearly wasn't meant for me. :nono:

It's been about 7 months and while I'm not completely healed, my life has improved in so many ways. I know that I have no choice but to place more value on me now because I don't ever want to be that person again. I gave too much, held on too tight and for too long and got left with nothing. Life is short and you can't get back the time you waste on people who don't value you or appreciate you.
 
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This will only help the singles but what helped me was going on dates with many, many men. :look: The younger me would never do such a thing. :grin:
 
I literally started remembering everything I knew to be true. I am awesome. Why could I allow others to tell me that but I couldn't believe it for myself. Man I freakin rock. lol. But others have stated what works : Prayer, exercise, enriching my other relationships.
 
Kim0105 said:
This is where I am now after 10 years of marriage, 2 young kids and a host of responsibilities. I've lost me and became clinically depressed. I became an extension of someone instead a whole being I was meant to be. I am currently in therapy and finishing up a professional qualification I started years ago. It's been 3 months and I am starting to see that I am worthy, important and deserve to be treated well. I am finally realizing my own worth after a childhood of neglect and a marriage with even more neglect.
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(((Hugs))). I can REALLY relate to everything you wrote here. I am so proud of you.
 
Reading self help books and doing the exercises helped me a lot. So did changing my environment, cutting off negative people, hanging out with uplifting people and doing things 100% by myself. The biggest thing though was changing my association. I started taking care of myself for the first time. I took really good care of my appearance and my health. I learned to set boundaries and the word "NO" became my best friend. I started really living life!
 
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I definitely wanna co-sign cutting off negative people, beyond just love interests. I wouldn't say I had a lot of negative people in my life, but I realized that some of my relationships had changed and some folks got downgraded from "friend" to "acquaintance".
 
caribeandiva
Why did this just hit me?!!!
Someone asked to chill in my home while I'm away. I was hesitant but ur post just hit me. Just say NO Fine 4s. I'm still learning to say no.

Thank you!!!!
 
Fine 4s said:
caribeandiva
Why did this just hit me?!!!
Someone asked to chill in my home while I'm away. I was hesitant but ur post just hit me. Just say NO Fine 4s. I'm still learning to say no.

Thank you!!!!
Click to expand...

NO is a wonderful word that I added to my vocabulary. It brought so much peace to my life and I became more empowered. It took some times (started with baby steps....couldn't say it to a person's face but sent in a text or email :look:) but now if I don't want to do it, I have no problems saying heck no to your face. :spinning:
 
Fine 4s What helped me get comfortable with saying no are 2 things.
1: That book Boundaries by Dr Henry cloud changed my life and helped me put things in perspective.
2: I realize that saying no to someone doesn't mean I don't love them, care about them or am rejecting them. Same thing goes for when someone tells me no. I had to really understand that. Saying no means I'm being honest with them and myself. Why force myself to give something I don't feel right giving only to beat myself up later? Nope. Nuh uh sister. This cycle ends now!

You'll have to take baby steps at first. Don't say yes right away. Ask people to give you time to think things over.

This post wouldn't be complete without talking about the push-back you'll get (and trust me you will). Some people don't like when you say no to them. They'll try to get around your no by getting angry at you, trying to make you feel guilty, bringing God into it, calling you selfish, in short try to manipulate you in some way. If someone doesn't respect your no and asks you for an explanation, DON'T DO IT!! They're just trying to find a way to shoot down your argument and prove you wrong so they can get you to say yes. "I don't want to" is a complete explanation. I'd keep an eye on anyone that tries to get around your no. They're probably controlling and manipulative in other ways too.
 
When I was a child I would observe adult behaviour and tell myself that I would do the opposite of what seemed wrong to me.

I felt that doing that made me know my worth. But after deeper delving as a young adult I realized there were a few things that were missing. Like taking ownership of my body and treating it as something worthy. No one told me this. I had to learn it myself by reading and watching shows like Oprah (I know it sounds corny but not all of us had parents guiding us the right way or parent who cared). But having no guidance does not mean you cannot learn to know your worth.
 
Ganjababy said:
When I was a child I would observe adult behaviour and tell myself that I would do the opposite of what seemed wrong to me.

I felt that doing that made me know my worth. But after deeper delving as a young adult I realized there were a few things that were missing. Like taking ownership of my body and treating it as something worthy. No one told me this. I had to learn it myself by reading and watching shows like Oprah (I know it sounds corny but not all of us had parents guiding us the right way or parent who cared). But having no guidance does not mean you cannot learn to know your worth.
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:yep:

I love my mother dearly, but I have to say that she failed in this area. I think it may have been because she wasn't really raised by her own mother, she lived with my aunt for most of her teenage years, then married my father (her first) when she was 18. That combined with his absence during my formative years was a set up for making A LOT of mistakes when it came to the opposite sex.
 
I'm not sure what my worth is, but I'm going to find out. Better late than never, but never late is better. However IMHO, you won't learn if you aren't occasionally late. <<I have no idea if this makes any sense lol.
 
Find something in your life that only you own that makes you happy and passionate. Finding things in life that you feel are worthy will make you feel full of worth. Also find the tranquility in being alone.
Start honestly appreciating the little things in your life that other do not have.
Start smiling and greeting those around you first. This made a huge change in my life. Seeing those around me happy because all I said was hello made me feel very worthy.

Stop thinking to far into the future. I had to be honest with myself and realize that thinking 2/5 years into the future gave me to much stress!! I now only worry about what is directly in front of me.
 
(Sorry I cannot edit still)
Allow yourself to be upset or be lazy or call off work without regret and just lay in bed and get nothing done. And don't feel bad about it. Not everyday can be the best day of your life and everyone needs a breather. I think people get to caught up in trying to live "perfect" when somedays having it all together isn't going to happen and that's OKAY!
 
I've been a jerk. I'm not a perfect person. What helped me realize my value is when I thought about the people in my life who care about my well being. From my mother, grandmother, aunts, uncles, my cousin, my manager, and strangers I'll meet and exchange with and wish me well. That means something to me.
Also, for those who celebrate Easter, I think about Jesus on the cross. He saw value in me when the world said that I am damaged and dirty. He went through hell and back to redeem me from all the horrible things I've done and to ment my heart. That always puts a smile on myself when I felt like there was no reason for me to keep going.
And just because one person, an ex or someone I used to talk to, doesn't see my value, that does not take my value away. It is there because I put it there by being who I am: a kind intellectually gifted and thoughtful young woman of God. No man or woman can take that from me without my permission and I refuse to surrender such an important part of me.
 
I can't deal with being hurt. So I don't. I leave. Call me a coward, but I get over it eventually, so I'm fine with that strategy for now. I don't think that I will have regrets when I'm older. There is a world full of people, I think that I'll be able to find another if it gets to that point. As long as I can be happy on my own, then I know I'm in a good place.
 
I think that's something that I struggle with and it's definitely a journey. Every time that I think "I know" some other situation or facet of my life requires me to understand my worth. It means something for every facet:

In relationships, I ask - would you treat you this way?
With myself I ask - would you allow someone talk to your friend this way?
At work - (I'm still learning) It's quite difficult
 
I think time and maturity helped me get back to the person I used to be. Even though I was super-skinny, tall and nerdy , I absolutely knew my worth when I was a teen. I just chalked it up to "I am who I am" "I like what I like" "To each, his own" even looking back those things are written in my journal and yearbook. I lost that in college, and I lost it even more in law school. The pressure to compete also turned into an obsession with comparison and judging your worth by how you measured against the pack.

The past 2 years have been great for me in terms of accepting that I can't change certain events or people. That I am just fine as I am and even better, I'm actually great. I've also learned about setting boundaries and defending them. Before it used to be forceful but now it's much more gradual and zen. I've learned to take my time with a lot of things and to be thankful for what I have. I repeat to myself often that "Everything is working for my good"

Daily bible study, a practice of meditation/centering and a few good self-help books have helped me realize that I am in control of my thoughts. I try to stay conscious and choose in each situation how I want to show-up and participate.
 
Saying no is big for me. And as @caribeandiva said, explanations are NOT required. I found myself feelg guilty about sayg no a lot, and tryg to get my answer to 'why not?' ready before i even had to say no smh
Now if i do decide to answer the 'why not?' I know its not going to change my answer. Im not going to let them change my mind...unless of course its in my best interest to do so.
 
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