Secrets from the past - forgive and forget?

[natural in ATL]

I just had this discussion with a friend of mine and I wanted to hear your opinions. Here's the scenario:

- 35 year old man, successful business owner, God-fearing, no children, accomplished, responsible. The ideal man.

- He is dating a woman whom he plans to marry by next year (they have been dating for 6 months). BUT he is hiding a secret from his past - that he now feels compelled to share with her.

- The secret is: 10 years ago, he was involved in the adult entertainment industry (as an actor in pornographic films). More than likely, there are tapes of his past work still in circulation. According to him, this was a very dark time in his past that he has since repented for.

- He felt compelled to tell his girlfriend so that she would know everything about him. If you were his girlfriend - knowing who he is TODAY - would his past be an issue for you? Could you forgive and/or forget and move on with your life together?

By the way - this is completely hypothetical...

 

[jada1111]

I just had this discussion with a friend of mine and I wanted to hear your opinions. Here's the scenario:

- 35 year old man, successful business owner, God-fearing, no children, accomplished, responsible. The ideal man.

- He is dating a woman whom he plans to marry by next year (they have been dating for 6 months). BUT he is hiding a secret from his past - that he now feels compelled to share with her.

- The secret is: 10 years ago, he was involved in the adult entertainment industry (as an actor in pornographic films). More than likely, there are tapes of his past work still in circulation. According to him, this was a very dark time in his past that he has since repented for.

- He felt compelled to tell his girlfriend so that she would know everything about him. If you were his girlfriend - knowing who he is TODAY - would his past be an issue for you? Could you forgive and/or forget and move on with your life together?

By the way - this is completely hypothetical...

If he was MY man, I'd respect the fact that he told me, but I'd need to think things through.

Those born again christians, I tell ya. Always something crazy creeping up from their past.

 

[Latomian]

I'd be more concerned with if he has an STDs that might be latent. HPV can't be tested in a man, ya know.

But if he's true to what he's saying about repenting and he has changed, who am I to fault him of his past. If he felt compelled to tell me, then he must care.

 

[natural in ATL]

If he was MY man, I'd respect the fact that he told me, but I'd need to think things through.

Those born again christians, I tell ya. Always something crazy creeping up from their past.

This is exactly what I said. In my mind, it wouldn't cause me to leave him but I would definitely feel the need to "pause" for a minute and talk things through.

 

[natural in ATL]

I'd be more concerned with if he has an STDs that might be latent. HPV can't be tested in a man, ya know.

But if he's true to what he's saying about repenting and he has changed, who am I to fault him of his past. If he felt compelled to tell me, then he must care.

This would be HUGE concern for me. People in that industry have such a high risk of exposure to all kinds of mess.

 

[phynestone]

Wow. I don't know what I'd do.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

What type of porn? Sounds silly, but if he was into males, kids, animals....it'd be an automatic break up.

If it were "regular" man and woman type of stuff...I'm not sure....I'd have to really think long and hard. No pun intended.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

STDs would be the big concern for me. I'd also want to know if the "movies" were with females or .... not.

 

[Bachelorette]

This would be HUGE concern for me. People in that industry have such a high risk of exposure to all kinds of mess.

They protect themselves more than regular joes actually.

tell hm to be upfront and let the gf decide on what to do next.

as for me, I'd wanna know the TYPE of porn.

 

[natural in ATL]

What type of porn? Sounds silly, but if he was into males, kids, animals....it'd be an automatic break up.

If it were "regular" man and woman type of stuff...I'm not sure....I'd have to really think long and hard. No pun intended.

STDs would be the big concern for me. I'd also want to know if the "movies" were with females or .... not.

LOL!!! For the sake of discussion, let's say it was strictly male-female porn (no weird stuff)

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Assuming STD's were out of this picture and he was squeaky clean......heck, sit down and tell me all about it hon.

 

[kbragg]

Assuming STD's were out of this picture and he was squeaky clean......heck, sit down and tell me all about it hon.

I'd ask him if he could teach me a few tricks too I think I just got my LHCF Freak Card

 

[taz007]

I would have some SERIOUS concerns. My friend's cousin sorta went through this. Before she started dating her husband, he had all kinds of "habits". He the started attending church and they dated for a LONG time and never kissed. She was in heaven. They got married and were happy for the first two years. Everything was PERFECT.

Then he lost his job. Got depressed and went back to his old habits. Now she has a son that she is practically raising on her own. He stays out for DAYS and still does not have a job, 3 years later.

If it were me, I would have to pass. Just my opinion.

 

[taz007]

I'd ask him if he could teach me a few tricks too I think I just got my LHCF Freak Card

I would have to pull out the pen and pad before I let him go!

 

[natural in ATL]

Assuming STD's were out of this picture and he was squeaky clean......heck, sit down and tell me all about it hon.

Too funny! I want to think that I'd be a big enough person to get past it, but I think I would be thrown off by the fact that he waited 6 months to tell me. I know it's unreasonable to think he'd admit he was a former porn star on our 2nd date (LOL) but I would think once we started really being into each other he'd fess up. I would question what else he was hiding, and I would hate to be in a relationship where I was questioning my man.

I'd ask him if he could teach me a few tricks too I think I just got my LHCF Freak Card

My friend said the same thing, she was like "Now I could definitely take advantage of that previous experience!"

I would have some SERIOUS concerns. My friend's cousin sorta went through this. Before she started dating her husband, he had all kinds of "habits". He the started attending church and they dated for a LONG time and never kissed. She was in heaven. They got married and were happy for the first two years. Everything was PERFECT.

Then he lost his job. Got depressed and went back to his old habits. Now she has a son that she is practically raising on her own. He stays out for DAYS and still does not have a job, 3 years later.

If it were me, I would have to pass. Just my opinion.

Thanks for the story - I feel so bad that your friend's cousin had to go through that. Some people do find it hard to totally divorce themselves from past habits - especially when they're at a vulnerable/low point in their lives.

 

[starfish]

LOL!!! For the sake of discussion, let's say it was strictly male-female porn (no weird stuff)

Honestly?

After 10 years and negative HIV tests? It. is. ON. Frankly it would turn me on. I'd also tell him he could let his porn freaky deaky out with me now that I know.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

I would have to do some fasting and prayinng about it..but its just like if he was a male ho in the past they run the same risk.Women can be the same as well..I would pray when im booed up that when I tell a guy my past he won't run away or be judgemental like some ppl

 

[song_of_serenity]

He BETTER tell her unless his wedding gets cancelled like this thread.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=375043

"Wedding cancelled after fiance finds out he is a porn star"

I know it's the PAST, but watch some jealous vindictive person email her a video! Telling her how it's recent! And yes, something of THAT nature as to where it may be in circulation, wondering about his STD history, the kind of porn, if he's truly delivered from the life etc should be discussed...this isn't just being sexually promiscuous...it was taped and purchased and is still out there...she needs to know.

 

[LizLeila]

After careful thought, discussion, and thorough testing, I would ask for a demonstration...just saying.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

I really have a hard time discerning how this is different from him being a male ho (taping his exploits in some cases). Heck, most women who get HIV from their men (sometimes from their DH's) didn't marry men who were porn stars (or former porn stars).
Now I can understand not wanting "tapes" to mysteriously appear on the doorstep but if he no longer did it (being 10 years back and all) and was disease free, I THINK i'd give him a chance

 

[natural in ATL]

Honestly?

After 10 years and negative HIV tests? It. is. ON. Frankly it would turn me on. I'd also tell him he could let his porn freaky deaky out with me now that I know.

I don't know - I'm not sure the sex that goes on in pornographic movies is the kind of sex I want...but that's just me.

 

[natural in ATL]

I would have to do some fasting and prayinng about it..but its just like if he was a male ho in the past they run the same risk.Women can be the same as well..I would pray when im booed up that when I tell a guy my past he won't run away or be judgemental like some ppl

I really have a hard time discerning how this is different from him being a male ho (taping his exploits in some cases). Heck, most women who get HIV from their men (sometimes from their DH's) didn't marry men who were porn stars (or former porn stars).
Now I can understand not wanting "tapes" to mysteriously appear on the doorstep but if he no longer did it (being 10 years back and all) and was disease free, I THINK i'd give him a chance

In my mind the difference with him being promiscuous and him earning a living by having sex with other porn stars is: 1) it seems like more of a cover up since it was his actual job, not just the way he conducted himself in relationships for a certain period of his life, 2) I still believe there is a higher chance of STDs being passed around when the women are porn stars (not saying "regular" women can't have diseases, but I think the likelihood has got to be higher with people who have that many partners), and 3) the TAPES! That is definitely an issue with me...just knowing my man has tapes out there that are a part of people's collections would make my stomach hurt.

 

[natural in ATL]

He BETTER tell her unless his wedding gets cancelled like this thread.
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=375043

"Wedding cancelled after fiance finds out he is a porn star"

I know it's the PAST, but watch some jealous vindictive person email her a video! Telling her how it's recent! And yes, something of THAT nature as to where it may be in circulation, wondering about his STD history, the kind of porn, if he's truly delivered from the life etc should be discussed...this isn't just being sexually promiscuous...it was taped and purchased and is still out there...she needs to know.

I should have known this topic had already been discussed somewhere on LHCF...

 

[saved06]

It would be a wrap! The fact that anyone could watch my man perform on those tapes, would eat me up.

 

[ladysaraii]

Honestly?

After 10 years and negative HIV tests? It. is. ON. Frankly it would turn me on. I'd also tell him he could let his porn freaky deaky out with me now that I know.

I'm with you. I'd just make sure it was truly in the past and he resolved any issues associated with that period in his life 'since he said it was a dark time'

But we could move on

 

[Eritreladiee]

I don't think this has anything to do with forgiving or forgetting. It's great he moved on and all, but it's just one of those things (like a criminal record) where you're branded for life..."born again" or not.

And I'm sure porn is just the tip of the iceberg. If he was doing porn, God knows what else is buried in his past barf

I personally wouldn't make him a part of my family- wouldn't marry him, nor choose him to father my children. The fact that his past could easily be resurrected at any point in time- that alone would make the decision easy. Regardless of how great he is, it wouldn't be worth the potential drama, embarrassment, and risk to my own reputation.