Sabotaging Yourself In Relationships

I suggest re-reading The Queen's Code or Keys to the Kingdom. You know if you're displaying the behaviors she mentions in the book and that's a good starting point for recognizing sabotaging behaviors. You'll have to take it the further step to figure out exactly why you are behaving in those ways but the end result is "frog-farming" the man.
 
I think many people's expectations of intimate relations are waaaaaay overblown and unrealistic which leads to self-sabotage.
Instead of letting love and intimacy grow and develop into a mutually beneficial thing they're like...

"I need him/her to be my lover, my best friend, my support system, my muse, my confidant, my ride-or-die; always ready to have sex, and accepts me for who I am but wait! He/She better not ever get fat, ugly, lazy, emotionally torn, numb, jaded or otherwise offensive to my delicate senses. I need all of this RIGHT NOW and I shouldn't have to actually communicate my needs and wants, pains and desires because he/she should already know how to conduct themselves as an adult in a relationship...Oh and did I mention...He/She better accept me for WHO I AM!"

Like chill out with all of that. Great relationships are built from the ground up and typically do not come as "pre-packaged" as folks want or as those who are in one make it seem. When you see that couple that can't draw their eyes away from each other, the ones who have 3 kids, 2 car notes, 2 jobs, a sick mother-in-law, and a new poorly trained puppy, but still manage to laugh, talk, and smile at each other...you better believe some real and serious work went into that.

I could go on but this is getting lengthy.
 
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People expect perfection whether they think so or not. They need to be constantly reminded that people are human and can and SHOULD make mistakes.
You get to respond to those mistakes however you want but most people I know take these mistakes personally.
SO,FH,DH is all a choice. The smartest choose those who's faults and mistakes they can live with. The relationships end when people have unrealistic expectations of each other.
 
I do want to add that in a serious relationships that will potentially lead to marriage, managing expectations should be a duel effort from both parties full of communication and open mindedness. When casually dating, a potential partner should be thoroughly vetted not through rattling off a list of "wants and needs" but through close observation.
 
Mai Tai said:
I do want to add that in a serious relationships that will potentially lead to marriage, managing expectations should be a duel effort from both parties full of communication and open mindedness. When casually dating, a potential partner should be thoroughly vetted not through rattling off a list of "wants and needs" but through close observation.
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Basically people need to use tools they have better. Having a list isn't bad. Its not using it in the early stages that causes problem. That man that's been stringing her along for 6 years showed her who he was 6 months in. She ignored signs, spent 5 1/2 years making excuses then got mad when he leaves and gives it all to next woman in 6 months. List wasn't problem. Fear of acting on them was.

You have to be willing to walk away when potential mate shows you they are not matching your requirements. It's not just having a list and hearing what you want. You have to observe actions and continuing to interview based on where someone is not on "potential" or other misguided aspects that keeps women in circle of unyokeable men.
 
Fine 4s said:
@frogkisses

As I heard recently the best question to ask on a first date is "so, how effed up are YOU?" Or something like that. Thought that was cute...
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1*j3_qyVSvPXuY8LBkGOhEww.gif

Lol that is a funny question though:lachen:
 
Mai Tai said:
I think many people's expectations of intimate relations are waaaaaay overblown and unrealistic which leads to self-sabotage.
Instead of letting love and intimacy grow and develop into a mutually beneficial thing they're like...

"I need him/her to be my lover, my best friend, my support system, my muse, my confidant, my ride-or-die; always ready to have sex, and accepts me for who I am but wait! He/She better not ever get fat, ugly, lazy, emotionally torn, numb, jaded or otherwise offensive to my delicate senses. I need all of this RIGHT NOW and I shouldn't have to actually communicate my needs and wants, pains and desires because he/she should already know how to conduct themselves as an adult in a relationship...Oh and did I mention...He/She better accept me for WHO I AM!"

Like chill out with all of that. Great relationships are built from the ground up and typically do not come as "pre-packaged" as folks want or as those who are in one make it seem. When you see that couple that can't draw their eyes away from each other, the ones who have 3 kids, 2 car notes, 2 jobs, a sick mother-in-law, and a new poorly trained puppy, but still manage to laugh, talk, and smile at each other...you better believe some real and serious work went into that.

I could go on but this is getting lengthy.
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preaccccccchhhhhhh.please go on
 
I know, lived, and have observed experiences of the following tactics:

  • Becoming so absorbed in the other person/relationship that you loose YOUR identity
  • Falling for (what you perceive to be) the "potential" of a mate
  • Ignoring red flags
  • Normalizing OR trying to rationalize BAD behaviors (whether they are his or your own)
  • and my vote for #1:
    • Having little to no Knowledge of Healthy Personal Boundaries....
      • I found that some folks problem is not that they have self-esteem issues, it is instead that they honestly don't know what healthy boundaries are.
      • This leads them into all kinds of stoopid shyt; and makes them excellent targets for narcissists.
 
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I think sabotage could also come in from not "sheltering" your relationship.

A friend of mine was foolishly keeping in contact with an ex - the same one who strung her along for years without a real commitment, and then was in disbelief when he finally got his walking papers.

She got engaged to a good dude... Who recently found out she's still in contact with the ex. (Plot twist: It was the raggedy ex that dropped a dime on her.) She says they only texted, there was no "cheating," she never even met up with ole boy, but whatever communication was had, the fiancé felt threatened enough to break off the relationship entirely.

Moral of the story: If you're in a relationship worth keeping, you "shelter," and don't invite space for anyone to come in between you and your partner.
 
I've learned this unfortunately the "Hard" way. Our "expectations" must be lowered or even done away with altogether.
I know you may be thinking "done away altogether"??

Yes as a partner in a relationship we should keep our focus on our obligations and duties towards the other and not be so "acutely" focused on what our partner may or may not be doing for us. Yes we won't allow for any form of neglect nor abuse yet we must not place our partner in queue to be our "everything".

Knowing we will "Never" find complete fulfillment in another. We must fully love ourselves to be a whole partner to another.

Self-sabotaging also veers it's head when we vocally compare partners. (I was the Queen of this!).

For example letting your partner know how good you were treated prior and hiding all of the pain that you endured in past relationships. Trying to come off as if you got it all together and they adored you.

Hence the current partner begins to feel inadequate. For if they were "all that" why aren't you still together?

And goodness if you really haven't healed the current one doesn't stand a chance because he/she will be subjected to all of your hidden pain clueless as to why you feel the way you do if your past relationships were so great.

Thinking I'm here now being my best self to you too! He/she will eventually be out of there for he/she will be wondering "what am I to her/him?"

Reflecting now I believe I self-sabotaged as a form of protection/reaction due to being a girl without a father. A daughter as well to an emotionally unavailable/jealous mother.

Lack of fundamental building blocks such as self-confidence, self-pride and boundary setting and numerous other life skills simply weren't accessible to me. Hence a breeding ground for self-sabatoge.

Your "always" thinking this is too good to be true. Waiting and creating an environment for good ole abandonment to show up. Sadly believing no one will be there for the long haul.

The light bulb/Aha moment is literally happening for me now and it's bittersweet.
I finally get it!
 
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I have self sabotaged because of my HIGH expectations. I have learned that people aren't perfect and have tried to tone those expectations down. I still have them, but I work with it.

A married woman I know (more than 30 years) once said to me that men need to be told stuff so you aren't disappointed because you were expecting something- such as a romantic birthday dinner or getting flowers. So now, if something is a big deal to me, I make sure to express that. I would love a man that would know just what to do, say, act, etc. however they aren't built like that most of the time.
 
for the life of me i dont know why a woman or man or anyone is keeping in contact with an ex, unless children are involved.

nothing good comes from it and in my mind wouldn't you want to put your time and attention into your present and future personal relationships.

sunshinebeautiful said:
I think sabotage could also come in from not "sheltering" your relationship.

A friend of mine was foolishly keeping in contact with an ex - the same one who strung her along for years without a real commitment, and then was in disbelief when he finally got his walking papers.

She got engaged to a good dude... Who recently found out she's still in contact with the ex. (Plot twist: It was the raggedy ex that dropped a dime on her.) She says they only texted, there was no "cheating," she never even met up with ole boy, but whatever communication was had, the fiancé felt threatened enough to break off the relationship entirely.

Moral of the story: If you're in a relationship worth keeping, you "shelter," and don't invite space for anyone to come in between you and your partner.
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lux10023 said:
for the life of me i dont know why a woman or man or anyone is keeping in contact with an ex, unless children are involved.

nothing good comes from it and in my mind wouldn't you want to put your time and attention into your present and future personal relationships.
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Girl me either.... :nono: I was like why in the HELL were you still communicating with that raggedy a** :censored:. She lost a GOOD MAN that wanted to marry her, help her raise her kids from a previous relationship, and for what?

Someone upthread said that people sabotage because they feel deep down they're not worthy or love never lasts or something of that nature. I totally think this is an underlying reason why she kept responding when ole boy kept trying to slide up in her texts and DMs.

Welp. Some folks learn the hard way.
 
Self-sabotage for sure is rooted in fear and self-protection. That was the case for me. :yep: I know my motto was: "I'll leave you before you can leave and hurt me". So for years I was on the lookout for the slightest sign that he was gonna hurt me. Preemptive strikes were my way of life. He forgot my birthday? He doesn't care about me so leave him. He didn't follow through on what he said he was gonna do? He can't be trusted so leave him. He wants to sleep with me too soon? He only cares about getting in my pants so leave him. My friends don't like him? They can probably see something bad about him that I can't so leave him. He doesn't call enough or spend enough time with me? I'm not his #1 priority so leave him. This is what my thought process was. My mindset was I can always get somebody else. I'm not saying you should settle for a man who's not treating you right. I'm saying no one is perfect. If things are mostly good and you trust each other why not hang in there and work things out? Someone told me the most I can hope for is for him to have 80% of what i'm looking for. So whenever I start having the thoughts I listed above, I know I'm about to sabotage myself if i act on them. So now I sit in the uncomfortable feelings and ride out the wave until it subsides. I still fail at it but I'm not giving up!
 
I was self sabotaging in a different way. I refused to be bothered with men. I CHOSE not to date or befriend men for a number of years. It took me a few years to change that mindset.

Now, I'm open to being in a relationship with a man. I'm not afraid of being hurt, disappointed, nor do I have these outlandish standards. I do have standards but I can give a solid reason for each one of them. Such as religious beliefs - important to me because I'm a Christian.

Maybe because I'm older, I look at a guy and determine if I can deal with his negatives. If not, then I decide if I'm going to waste my time or not.
 
movingforward said:
I was self sabotaging in a different way. I refused to be bothered with men. I CHOSE not to date or befriend men for a number of years. It took me a few years to change that mindset.

Now, I'm open to being in a relationship with a man. I'm not afraid of being hurt, disappointed, nor do I have these outlandish standards. I do have standards but I can give a solid reason for each one of them. Such as religious beliefs - important to me because I'm a Christian.

Maybe because I'm older, I look at a guy and determine if I can deal with his negatives. If not, then I decide if I'm going to waste my time or not.
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This has been me. I can't figure out why...
 
Being so closed off emotionally due to past disappointments that you realize many years later that there are many ships that docked by your marina that you could have boarded and been perfectly happy. Now they've all set sail and you are still alone on the shore. I'm truly kicking myself. I should have grieved and moved on quickly instead of living like a martyr for the cause.
 
I've done some stupid arse mess to basically force good, commitment desiring men away, due to my fear of intimacy, and modeling toxic patterns I've seen my parents do.

Part of me felt that if I commit to a man I would lose myself or my "freedom".. So of course I'd go after the unavailable ones while the men who sincerely wanted to be with me, I'd play games with or just disappear on them.

It's a bitter pill to swallow when you realize your relationship woes are self inflicted.
 
movingforward said:
I was self sabotaging in a different way. I refused to be bothered with men. I CHOSE not to date or befriend men for a number of years. It took me a few years to change that mindset.

Now, I'm open to being in a relationship with a man. I'm not afraid of being hurt, disappointed, nor do I have these outlandish standards. I do have standards but I can give a solid reason for each one of them. Such as religious beliefs - important to me because I'm a Christian.

Maybe because I'm older, I look at a guy and determine if I can deal with his negatives. If not, then I decide if I'm going to waste my time or not.
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civic4800 said:
This has been me. I can't figure out why...
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I also did this. I would swear I couldn't figure out why I was single but then if a man showed an iota of interest in me/I had any crush type feelings for him I'd ignore his entire existence. I can even remember doing this at 10 years old in the 5th grade! This is obviously alienating, rude, and hurtful. It is a manifestation of my 'daddy issues' that I thought I didn't have lol
I was always afraid 1 of 3 things would happen:
1. (What I most frequently feared) I would 'like' him and be rejected and embarrassed. So let me just ignore him so that doesn't happen.
2. He would 'like' me. This would make me feel weird and uncomfortable because I don't know how to accept male affection. Let me just ignore him so that doesn't happen.
3. (The most irrational fear) we would both 'like' each other but once he got to actually know me past being just smart and cute it wouldn't work out and then he would drag my name through the mud. I have a reputation to protect. Let me just ignore him.

It was to the effect that I was really only comfortable around gay men, because they didn't want me and I didn't want them but the reason had nothing to do with who I was.

And the very rare times some poor man did make it past the enti r city I built up around myself, I would be extremely unappealing in my personality and would use the excuse of he better accept me at my worst, or if he can't handle this then :blah: I'd rather have pushed someone away and they reject my fake personality than let them in and they reject my real personality (I do this with meeting new people as well. Acting like I'm above everything. Because I was afraid to show interest in anything for fear that someone would reject me for it. This only led to being rejected anyway for being a biht lol )

Lol every road looking like it led to courtship ended up with me ignoring some man.

I'm slowly overcoming these issues by self reflecting and self affirming. It's been a very long very slow process because I'm hard-headed but I can really notice the changes. What I feel recently helped was reading the Queens code (I was actually in there talking to myself a few days ago lol) there was a section in there about how women emasculate men and cause them to act out and one of those ways was ignoring them. And I was like oh my word. Lol since I've been trying a but of an experiment where I work. By forcing myself to speak to and strike up conversation with anyone that crosses my path. At the minumum a hey and a smile. But also doling out compliments, engaging in small talk, actually seeming interested in what they're saying vs being all in my phone rushing them to finish speaking. And everyone has done a total 180.

I also realized the irony in the fact that in being afraid of being rejected by others I was doing the rejecting and wondering why people didn't want to be bothered with me. Smh
 
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