Sabotaging Yourself In Relationships

[justNikki]

I think many people's expectations of intimate relations are waaaaaay overblown and unrealistic which leads to self-sabotage.
Instead of letting love and intimacy grow and develop into a mutually beneficial thing they're like...

"I need him/her to be my lover, my best friend, my support system, my muse, my confidant, my ride-or-die; always ready to have sex, and accepts me for who I am but wait! He/She better not ever get fat, ugly, lazy, emotionally torn, numb, jaded or otherwise offensive to my delicate senses. I need all of this RIGHT NOW and I shouldn't have to actually communicate my needs and wants, pains and desires because he/she should already know how to conduct themselves as an adult in a relationship...Oh and did I mention...He/She better accept me for WHO I AM!"

Like chill out with all of that. Great relationships are built from the ground up and typically do not come as "pre-packaged" as folks want or as those who are in one make it seem. When you see that couple that can't draw their eyes away from each other, the ones who have 3 kids, 2 car notes, 2 jobs, a sick mother-in-law, and a new poorly trained puppy, but still manage to laugh, talk, and smile at each other...you better believe some real and serious work went into that.

I could go on but this is getting lengthy.

I wish there were a love button!

 

[caribeandiva]

Part of me felt that if I commit to a man I would lose myself or my "freedom".. So of course I'd go after the unavailable ones while the men who sincerely wanted to be with me, I'd play games with or just disappear on them.

I have the same fear

 

[caribeandiva]

What I feel recently helped was reading the Queens code (I was actually in there talking to myself a few days ago lol)

You don't have to talk to yourself. Post in the Queen's code thread and we'll talk back I swear!

 

[LoveisYou]

I think many people's expectations of intimate relations are waaaaaay overblown and unrealistic which leads to self-sabotage.
Instead of letting love and intimacy grow and develop into a mutually beneficial thing they're like...

"I need him/her to be my lover, my best friend, my support system, my muse, my confidant, my ride-or-die; always ready to have sex, and accepts me for who I am but wait! He/She better not ever get fat, ugly, lazy, emotionally torn, numb, jaded or otherwise offensive to my delicate senses. I need all of this RIGHT NOW and I shouldn't have to actually communicate my needs and wants, pains and desires because he/she should already know how to conduct themselves as an adult in a relationship...Oh and did I mention...He/She better accept me for WHO I AM!"

Like chill out with all of that. Great relationships are built from the ground up and typically do not come as "pre-packaged" as folks want or as those who are in one make it seem. When you see that couple that can't draw their eyes away from each other, the ones who have 3 kids, 2 car notes, 2 jobs, a sick mother-in-law, and a new poorly trained puppy, but still manage to laugh, talk, and smile at each other...you better believe some real and serious work went into that.

I could go on but this is getting lengthy.

PREACH!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I was self sabotaging in a different way. I refused to be bothered with men. I CHOSE not to date or befriend men for a number of years. It took me a few years to change that mindset.

Now, I'm open to being in a relationship with a man. I'm not afraid of being hurt, disappointed, nor do I have these outlandish standards. I do have standards but I can give a solid reason for each one of them. Such as religious beliefs - important to me because I'm a Christian.

Maybe because I'm older, I look at a guy and determine if I can deal with his negatives. If not, then I decide if I'm going to waste my time or not.

This is where I am: mentally, I am ready...but unfortunately I am still waiting.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

It saddens me that so many of us feel so similarly. How do we get past this?

Good self help books, a life coach or therapy.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I have self sabotaged because of my HIGH expectations. I have learned that people aren't perfect and have tried to tone those expectations down. I still have them, but I work with it.

A married woman I know (more than 30 years) once said to me that men need to be told stuff so you aren't disappointed because you were expecting something- such as a romantic birthday dinner or getting flowers. So now, if something is a big deal to me, I make sure to express that. I would love a man that would know just what to do, say, act, etc. however they aren't built like that most of the time.

I think some of you are mislabeling what is self sabatogue. From what you shared the problem isn't that you had high standards it's that you were unable to communicate what you wanted (had expectation that men should just know). Now on some behavior there are actions that one SHOULD know and it's perfectly ok to walk from a grown adult that claims not to know any better on first offense. On the other hand if he's genuinely sorry for a misunderstanding that you have to continually work on communication. But that doesn't mean some behaviour is not cut worthy. I just fear some will read some of these posts and think having any expectations or standards are wrong when they are not.

 

[movingforward13]

I think some of you are mislabeling what is self sabatogue. From what you shared the problem isn't that you had high standards it's that you were unable to communicate what you wanted (had expectation that men should just know). Now on some behavior there are actions that one SHOULD know and it's perfectly ok to walk from a grown adult that claims not to know any better on first offense. On the other hand if he's genuinely sorry for a misunderstanding that you have to continually work on communication. But that doesn't mean some behaviour is not cut worthy. I just fear some will read some of these posts and think having any expectations or standards are wrong when they are not.

I am not speaking about standards. I am talking about high expectations. I have both for the men that I deal with but my expectations are what self sabotages things.

For example- my standards for a man: degreed, have a career, have a vehicle, has lived by himself, certain physical characteristics, etc.

My expectations- I expect to see him more than twice a week. A good morning text. Randomly checking on me during the day. A daily phone call more than 30 minutes if we are not seeing one another that day. A planned date depending on how the schedule lines up. I expect flowers on Valentine's Day, a gift for my birthday and Christmas. I expect regular conversations about where our relationship is going. I may take us much more serious than how my partner is, which also butts heads. Just listing a few- I am sure my SO would list more lol.

While some of my expectations may sound "reasonable," I have been told (by both men and women) that I come across very intense and demanding. My expectations have driven some away - I recognize that and am trying to tone some of it down. Learning to communicate and also understand how my partner communicates has helped. I am a very passionate person, when I love, I love intensely so I want what I give out.

I won't reneg on my standards (without good reason). However I am learning to tone down my expectations so that I don't self sabotage.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Yeah, I can see what needs to be toned down. You are definitely confusing standards and expectations but I can't stop to reply now.

What you have listed as standards are your preferences. Degree, car, living arrangements are basic data points that tell you nothing about character.

I think some of your expectations are actions that should develop over time as one moves from SO to husband so demanding that at the beginning while dating is indeed self sabatogue.

 

[movingforward13]

Yeah, I can see what needs to be toned down. You are definitely confusing standards and expectations but I can't stop to reply now.

What you have listed as standards are your preferences. Degree, car, living arrangements are basic data points that tell you nothing about character.

I think some of your expectations are actions that should develop over time as one moves from SO to husband so demanding that at the beginning while dating is indeed self sabatogue.

I do have character standards as well.

I agree about the developing part. I admit that if I find someone who I like, I go "all in" so my expectations become rushed and I get frustrated when they aren't met. I see their lack of actions as a way to tell me that they don't feel the same as me when that isn't true. Little arguments pop up and I am ready to cut it off within a month or two.

To be fair to myself though- I do "try" and when I make that final choice to cut it off, I do so without regret, regardless of it was me sabotaging by high expectations or not. I guess I just expect certain things for myself because I know how I am when I pick someone. I only have 1 that "got away" but now that we developed a friendship, I see we wouldn't have been a good match. I have been told by a few different guys that they wish they tried harder when we were dating/ I was the one who got away.
Either way- I am working on toning down my high expectations and being patient. I also am trying not to take actions personally and rather understand why someone did something that I may not like or agree with.

 

[CoutureMe06]

I was self sabotaging in a different way. I refused to be bothered with men. I CHOSE not to date or befriend men for a number of years. It took me a few years to change that mindset.

Now, I'm open to being in a relationship with a man. I'm not afraid of being hurt, disappointed, nor do I have these outlandish standards. I do have standards but I can give a solid reason for each one of them. Such as religious beliefs - important to me because I'm a Christian.

Maybe because I'm older, I look at a guy and determine if I can deal with his negatives. If not, then I decide if I'm going to waste my time or not.

Wow this is me! Now that I am working on my self love journey I am becoming more open and accepting of men. I've had my first major dating let down recently but I realize I want to be better for myself, to learn more in a relationship and just knowing I will have something amazing as I learn from others keeps me going. I try not to worry (which is difficult because I am anxious) and just live my life openly knowing always one door closing opens another and change is something to embrace.

Until about 25 I never really paid men much attention just because I never received that affection back from them in general. I never was boy crazy or had many men on a whim. Honestly men were never a priority in my life. I definitely was not confident with myself until about that age. I still remember like yesterday how uncomfortable I was when people, especially men really began to tell me how beautiful I am daily at 25. And being shown how attractive I was to men. It was such a new experience for me that it was uncomfortable. I would refute compliments all the time and wasn't open at all. My friends just couldn't understand why.

For me to learn to stop self sabotaging is a daily process I take everyday but I just affirm of the person I want to be who is happy, beautiful, and loved and accept when others see that for me. A lot of it has been lifting my confidence and just being able to accept graciously from a man anything they want to see to me or do for me. And also from any person as well. I see now that it radiates through me by just how I go through life now in my femininity. I am more showered with affections and attention from men and I am thankful every single time it happens no matter from who or where. I work on myself everyday in some way. I read books, blogs and watch videos. I'm not letting it stop my happiness and its taken me really being with someone in the relationship capacity to realize I do want it but I want it in the right ways.

I honestly don't have a list of qualities I seek in a man. I take each person at their face value along with initial chemistry to really see if there is something substantial to be collaborative and build on. Along the way there are things I didn't realize I would appreciate such as affection and all but I really look at their character to know if they are for me. It's helped me to really be open with any type of man and I now attract really great men.

Quite a ramble but I hope this comes across with my point!

 

[JerriBlank]

A huge number of people seem to want a relationship, but are not even comfortable with themselves. I know it sounds so cliche, but it is sooooo, so imperative to be comfortable in your own skin, to like yourself, have fun with youself, know what you want and be happy with your own life before looking to invite someone else into your protective zone. People don't know who they are, and are looking for relationships to help them put things in order. It does not work out, and it never will. You can't be 30 years old, and not even know things about your own self, but want someone to come share your life with you. People are turned off by insecurity, which normally reveals itself when you don't know yourself.

 

[Ivonnovi]

I think this information is applicable to this Thread's subject too:

I've been listening to parts of KTTK *again, the following "quote" stood out to me yesterday. ....

From Chapter 6. We need attention, and we want our man to appreciate her, & some times complete her. "A woman's strength is in her ability to adapt, the downside is that sometimes we adapt so much we literately loose ourselves. [We ]have to keep [our] individual passions alive or we forget who we are"
Falling into the trap of the bolded will lead to both disappointment and frustration. IMHO the quote is as applicable to work choices as it is to relationships.

*KTTK: Keys To The Kingdom (an audio-book that I'm enjoying); we discuss this in The Queen's Code thread.

 

[Maracujá]

@Ivonnovi Is the book by Alison Armstrong?

 

[Ivonnovi]

@Ivonnovi Is the book by Alison Armstrong?

yes it is

 

[caribeandiva]

I think this guy's advice fits in really well here:

 

[aviddiva77]

I sabotage by making them leave me first. If I don't get my way completely (they don't respond/behave the way I want to) then I'll purposely do ish to alienate them so they'll leave. I'm told that's "not feeling that you deserve love" syndrome and abandoment issues. Like I'm on a mission that they'll leave me.

 

[hot_pepper96]

I know, lived, and have observed experiences of the following tactics:

• Becoming so absorbed in the other person/relationship that you loose YOUR identity
• Falling for (what you perceive to be) the "potential" of a mate
• Ignoring red flags
• Normalizing OR trying to rationalize BAD behaviors (whether they are his or your own)
• and my vote for #1:
  • Having little to no Knowledge of Healthy Personal Boundaries....
    • I found that some folks problem is not that they have self-esteem issues, it is instead that they honestly don't know what healthy boundaries are.
      
    • This leads them into all kinds of stoopid shyt; and makes them excellent targets for narcissists.

All of this!