Rough Patches in Relationships

[LivingDol1]

Hi ladies,


Needing some advice.... My SO and I have been dating for almost 1 year. Things have been going pretty well up until maybe 3 weeks ago? But really, I've been having trouble adjusting into the "comfort zone". The more comfortable he gets with me, the more lax he is about things. We are in touch most days but he rarely calls. We used to email a lot in the beginning but that has pretty much stopped. I miss those things.

We see each other regularly on the weekends. A few weeks ago when he came over after not seeing me for 6 days he said, "I feel like I haven't seen you in such a long time!" So, I suggested we make a plan to see each other once during the week and still spend weekends together.

There is so much that he assumes that I know but... Unless he tells me, I really don't. For example-- he bought tix to a soccer game in his hometown for June but right before then, he said that he wasn't in the mood to travel. This bothered me bc I've wanted us to go on a trip together this year. We discussed this later and he said that visiting his hometown isn't like going on a trip and that every time he goes home, I should know that he always intends for me to go with him if I want to.

We have so many miscommunication issues. It's so frustrating b/c I really do love him and care about him. He says he loves me and he doesn't want to give up on us b/c we want the same things out of life in the long term. We both say that we are happier with each other more than we are upset with each other. But these moments are tough.

I don't want to force him to behave in a way that doesn't feel natural. But I also don't want to feel insecure or question his feelings towards me b/c of his lax attitude. I also haven't been in a relationship for 5 years prior to this and before that-- have dated so many duds.

Any advice? Sorry this is so long.

 

[Mai Tai]

Let him know that him not calling and e-mailing is bothersome for you and that he needs to step his game up. Fall back a little and stop initiating contact so much and give him a chance to pick up the slack.

Have a serious talk with him about the lack of communication. Make yourself very clear at all times in general discussions and in your expectations and demand the same from him.

Communication is always a big issue in relationships but is thankfully something that can be worked on and improved upon with time and effort from both parties.

This is not about forcing him to do something that's "unatural" for him, it's about getting your needs met in your relationship. Men are not any more of a mind reader then you are. You have to show and teach them how you expect to be treated and a good man will be receptive and willing to learn.

 

[lesedi]

You see I actually don't feel like there should be a comfort zone just yet. He shouldn't feel comfortable enough to cut down contact drastically and assume that you will be there waiting for him. Time to switch things up. Fill up your time and devote it to yourself (extra gym class, dance class, art club, beauty class, facial etc). As soon he sees that you are busy and happy, he will try his best to squeeze back in where he can. I also think that waiting for calls and emails turns us into horrible, sad people. He needs to actively pursue you somewhat for the rest of your relationship (JMO ladies). Demand that of him!

 

[Mai Tai]

You see I actually don't feel like there should be a comfort zone just yet. He shouldn't feel comfortable enough to cut down contact drastically and assume that you will be there waiting for him. Time to switch things up. Fill up your time and devote it to yourself (extra gym class, dance class, art club, beauty class, facial etc). As soon he sees that you are busy and happy, he will try his best to squeeze back in where he can. I also think that waiting for calls and emails turns us into horrible, sad people. He needs to actively pursue you somewhat for the rest of your relationship (JMO ladies). Demand that of him!

I agree with all of this totally. A year isn't that long. Homeboy should be actively seeking your time throughout your ENTIRE relationship.

 

[Holla]

When I experienced the same in the past, it was usually because the guy was catching feelings with someone else. So the calls/emails decreased because he split his time emailing/calling me and another. He thought he told me things because he spoke to someone about those things but it wasn't me. In one case, it was a friend. In another, dude was a straight cheater. Neither relationship was very long for obvious reasons.

Not saying this is what is going on in your case but it reminded me of my prior incidents. Not sure what advice to give.

 

[lux10023]

relationships plateau--but i agree with everything the ladies advised..a yr in dude betta be planning an amazing anniversary and still in heavy pursuit

men get comfortable we allow it--dont allow it---and dont give up your life to spend every waking second with dude--because as you can see he is living his life

we meet we fall in love and plan everything around dude--dudes dont operate like that--you see how he still planed his yrly family trip--he is still doing the things he did prior

anyhow just rlp growing pains--it doesn't sound as major as something a good ole heart to heart convo won't resolve

good luck op!

 

[hopeful]

IMO you have to be willing to lose him. Not calling IMO is unacceptable, not cool at all for me. Some women are cool with infrequent calls, good for them, but if that does not work for you, don't accept that. If a guy rarely called me I wouldn't consider him my bf. For me that's what bf's, SO's, DH's do, they call often to hear my voice, check on me, make sure I'm okay, do what makes me happy.

What I suggest is that you tell him once that you need more frequent communication, be it daily calls or twice daily calls, coming to see you mid-week, whatever that is for you. Then sit back and watch. If he slacks fall back, don't initiate calling at all, don't be available every weekend. I know doing this probably scares you. But the thing is he should be afraid of losing you. If he isn't and if frequent calls is bothersome to him then there's your answer.

Read this for more ideas and support: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

[lesedi]

hopeful Thanks for the link. I already see like 3 articles I want to read.. Looks like a great site!

 

[MD_Lady]

Have you told him how you feel? I think it's wise not to want to force him to behave unnaturally, but since only your SO can give insight into his actions, you really need to talk to him about your feelings. I get not wanting to feel insecure, but you don't want to about something that might turn out to just be a minor misunderstanding between the two of you.

 

[CaraWalker]

do you watch girl code? they give pretty good advice for when the stuff you described starts happening in your relationship.

 

[lesedi]

do you watch girl code? they give pretty good advice for when the stuff you described starts happening in your relationship.

bunnycolvin link please momma

 

[CaraWalker]

http://www.mtv.com/shows/girl_code/girl-code-ep-11-being-classy-working-jealousy/1708096/playlist/

i think its probably this one

 

[LivingDol1]

Have you told him how you feel? I think it's wise not to want to force him to behave unnaturally, but since only your SO can give insight into his actions, you really need to talk to him about your feelings. I get not wanting to feel insecure, but you don't want to about something that might turn out to just be a minor misunderstanding between the two of you.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, we have talked. We talked about the things that worry me for 2 hours yesterday. He says he will try to be more attentive and try to understand my POV more. He said that he knows himself though and he doesn't think that he will keep up with communication in the long run. We are going to see each other at least once during the week in addition to the weekends.

I am definitely going to focus more on myself while we sort it out. I have been insanely busy with work. I'm taking a 90 minute yoga class once a week from now on. I'm seeing a concert with him tonight but I'm not letting him spend the night at my place. We spent Fri-Monday together. Majority of the weekend was fine. I just need some breathing room.

 

[Mai Tai]

Thanks for the advice. Yes, we have talked. We talked about the things that worry me for 2 hours yesterday. He says he will try to be more attentive and try to understand my POV more. He said that he knows himself though and he doesn't think that he will keep up with communication in the long run. We are going to see each other at least once during the week in addition to the weekends.

I am definitely going to focus more on myself while we sort it out. I have been insanely busy with work. I'm taking a 90 minute yoga class once a week from now on. I'm seeing a concert with him tonight but I'm not letting him spend the night at my place. We spent Fri-Monday together. Majority of the weekend was fine. I just need some breathing room.

Red flag!....
So this man has no plans on improving on something that can make or break your relationship???

 

[LivingDol1]

Red flag!....
So this man has no plans on improving on something that can make or break your relationship???

He said he will TRY. That's the best we can hope for right now. If he wants to do what it takes, he will figure out a way. I don't want to put a man on a leash and force him to do something that isn't genuine. That will lead to me questioning if the behavior is honest or not.

I'm going to take the advice of backing away and making plans for myself. If he can't reach me, he will have to change his pattern or lose me. It's that simple, it seems. He says he loves me. He says he sees a future for us together. So, we will see.

 

[hopeful]

http://www.mtv.com/shows/girl_code/girl-code-ep-11-being-classy-working-jealousy/1708096/playlist/ i think its probably this one

I saw this for the first time yesterday! It is really funny. They were talking about dieting, vacations, and men calling women needy. They all said for the most part that men call women needy if they have any needs, period.

We have needs because we are human, not because we are needy. Sure some of us are extra. But wanting calls, to be taken out on dates, etc. is not needy, it's human and normal.

OP don't worry too much about this. Take good care of yourself, enjoy your yoga class, and don't let him suck up all of your free time. Make sure you have time for you. Make sure you stay in touch with your needs. We women do stuff all of the time that doesn't come naturally or that we don't feel like doing because we like seeing those we love happy and we should expect the same in return. Also IMO a man should not let his head hit the pillow without hearing your voice. He should want to hear your voice and want you to hear his. He should want to know you are okay, and safe and sound.

 

[hopeful]

He said he will TRY. That's the best we can hope for right now. If he wants to do what it takes, he will figure out a way. I don't want to put a man on a leash and force him to do something that isn't genuine. That will lead to me questioning if the behavior is honest or not. I'm going to take the advice of backing away and making plans for myself. If he can't reach me, he will have to change his pattern or lose me. It's that simple, it seems. He says he loves me. He says he sees a future for us together. So, we will see.

I agree with everything you said here. Good luck.

 

[lux10023]

good--remove the goods...and have some ME time...

your the prize---he need to keep his eyes on it!!!

Thanks for the advice. Yes, we have talked. We talked about the things that worry me for 2 hours yesterday. He says he will try to be more attentive and try to understand my POV more. He said that he knows himself though and he doesn't think that he will keep up with communication in the long run. We are going to see each other at least once during the week in addition to the weekends.

I am definitely going to focus more on myself while we sort it out. I have been insanely busy with work. I'm taking a 90 minute yoga class once a week from now on. I'm seeing a concert with him tonight but I'm not letting him spend the night at my place. We spent Fri-Monday together. Majority of the weekend was fine. I just need some breathing room.

 

[lux10023]

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

I saw this for the first time yesterday! It is really funny. They were talking about dieting, vacations, and men calling women needy. They all said for the most part that men call women needy if they have any needs, period.

We have needs because we are human, not because we are needy. Sure some of us are extra. But wanting calls, to be taken out on dates, etc. is not needy, it's human and normal.

OP don't worry too much about this. Take good care of yourself, enjoy your yoga class, and don't let him suck up all of your free time. Make sure you have time for you. Make sure you stay in touch with your needs. We women do stuff all of the time that doesn't come naturally or that we don't feel like doing because we like seeing those we love happy and we should expect the same in return. Also IMO a man should not let his head hit the pillow without hearing your voice. He should want to hear your voice and want you to hear his. He should want to know you are okay, and safe and sound.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I agree with lesedi. I would focus on self care and personal fulfillment and enjoyment independent of the relationship. You should focus on you and meeting your own needs as person. You'll feel better focusing your energies inward as opposed to outward.

 

[intellectualuva]

Its some great advice in this thread. Wonderful. I luuuv LHCF.

I need to check out Girl Code. Seems funny from the trailer.

 

[LivingDol1]

An update.... Had a great weekend with my SO. He's improving, for sure. He's been much more attentive. He made me dinner all weekend.

I have been pulling away a bit and giving him space.... But still being sweet and fun to be around when we're together. Show him what he's missing! it's working.