Relationship advice......

[Kinkyhairlady]

Hello Ladies,

I pose this question to the married ladies or anyone who has been in a long term relationship.

When you started dating your spouse/significant other was he everything you wanted in a man or as time went on you realized he is the best person for you? I ask because a friend of mine has been interested in me for some time now but he is not what my first choice would be at my age 29. He is in school but he is currently unemployed but is looking, still lives with his parents, does not have a car or a cellphone all due to him taking a trip last year to Haiti and when he came back he lost his job, car and had no money. He is 24 so I cut him some slack but he needs to get it together. I being older have my career, own place, own car and am more stable financially. It is not really about the money for me but more of am I settling? I keep asking myself that, I am so confused.

I have to also mention he is a sweetheart and is a man of God which I always wanted . I am wondering even if he is not all I want now will he be what I want later. Did you experience this? I know some folks meet their dream mates and he or she is the whole package but others meet someone who is ok but not great and they work with that. Should I work with what I can get or countinue to wait for prince charming who may or never come.

I want to find a good husband and in my mind I don’t doubt he would be a good mate but his current situation makes me wonder if I can deal with it at the present time. I am not a women who likes to take the lead much, I prefer a man who is situated already and comes to me and we can take it from there. In this case I feel like I will have to mold him into the man I want him to be. But I don’t want to make a decision I will regret a couple of years from now. I would love to hear any stories you ladies have experience and what the outcome was. Thanks

 

[Transformer]

No, my DH of 32 years was not everything I wanted him to be upon marriage. However, he didn't have a lot of issues also.

He was employed, car, self-sufficient, didn't live at home....and tended to make good decisions....no taking trips to Haiti which would lead to unemployment, no car and such.

 

[MD_Lady]

When you started dating your spouse/significant other was he everything you wanted in a man or as time went on you realized he is the best person for you?

Yup. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he was "perfect" or that we haven't faced issues together which have given us an opportunity to "grow". It was very important that I married a man who was ready to be a husband on day 1. I didn't have the time or desire to wait on a man who needed time to "grow up" and realize the importance of doing what you have to do (even when it's not what you want to do) in a relationship and a household. I don't believe in compromising on values. I'm all for giving a hardworking man time to achieve the goals (financial, educational, career) he has set for himself (because let's be honest, putting some plans into action takes time).

As far as my advice goes, the bolded caught my attention:

I want to find a good husband and in my mind I don’t doubt he would be a good mate but his current situation makes me wonder if I can deal with it at the present time. I am not a women who likes to take the lead much, I prefer a man who is situated already and comes to me and we can take it from there. In this case I feel like I will have to mold him into the man I want him to be. But I don’t want to make a decision I will regret a couple of years from now. I would love to hear any stories you ladies have experience and what the outcome was. Thanks

Talking to him about how and why he found himself in this situation and exactly what he's doing to change it could help you decide whether he'd be a good match for you. If you do get involved with this man, you shouldn't ignore who he is in favor of who he might become. It's all about trade offs and only you can decide which ones are going to be acceptable for you to make.

 

[Transformer]

Hello Ladies,


He is 24 so I cut him some slack but he needs to get it together.

In this case I feel like I will have to mold him into the man I want him to be. But I don’t want to make a decision I will regret a couple of years from now. I would love to hear any stories you ladies have experience and what the outcome was. Thanks

I think you know the right answers for you. He's an immature 24 year old in pursuit of "happyness" without a lot of planning or forethought.

You cannot mold a man into the man you want him to be...if it's not what he wants....the mold won't fit. You're probably female #897,567,789,000 that has tried to "make a man.."

 

[Mai Tai]

You are the only person that knows what you will, and will not tolerate in a relationship, but since you are asking for sound advice, here is my take on it...

While this man may have all of the qualities you like emotionally, and spiritually, he is not ready for a serious relationship financially. Regardless of how good of a catch he is, he will not become marriage-minded (which I assume is what you have in mind) until he accomplishes his educational, career, and financial goals. That's just how men are. Me and my SO have been together for almost 3 years. I have a college degree...he doesn't, and is in the Army Reserves...however, he is currently enrolled in pharmacy school, and is also in the process of becoming an officer in the military. I am able to deal with the fact that he has not graduated college because he has a PLAN. A plan that is not only in action, but will also allow him to support me, and our future family once it is completed.

So my whole point, OP, is even though this man is a dream guy otherwise, he has to have a real plan as to how he is going to support himself, and any woman that comes into his life. I'm not talking about just having goals...he has to be actively working on something that is going to bring him up out of his situation. (e.g. going on job interviews, applying to colleges, saving whatever money he does have coming in, etc.) You cannot mold a man...nope...tried it...didn't work. So once you have that serious talk about his life, then you can get a better view of where he is going. If he is not ACTIVELY working on carrying out any goals that he has set for himself, I say leave him alone...Hope this helps.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I want to correct my statement of saying I am trying to mold him. He has good qualities in him but he is just not at the point in his life that I would prefer. He is going to school for radiology so I know he will have a good career in a couple of years but I am thinking do i want to wait a couple of years for that to happen? I remember a few years ago I turned a guy down because he was too young and too short and was a senior in highschool and I was a junior in college. Well fast forward 2009 he just got married to a young lady I know, and is quite sucessful today. Yeah I felt a little regretful but I got over it. I just don't want to make the same mistake again. I don't want to turn a good man down just cause he is not all I want now, I know he has goals and is trying his best. I just don't want to get into the relationship and not feel completely satisfied and feel like I am missing out on something or someone better.

 

[Transformer]

If we all had crystal balls!

I just don't want to get into the relationship and not feel completely satisfied and feel like I am missing out on something or someone better.

See you do have the right answer for you. But here it is again!
Do not get into a relationship and not feel completely satisfied and feel like you are missing out on something or someone better!

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I just had a conversation with him about his future plans and how I want to get married. He is telling me he can't promise me anything cause he is not financial set right now which is true. He could not even say ok for two years down the road. He is like I don't know I can't promise anything. He is telling he understands where I am coming from but he does not want to make a promise he can't keep. I guess getting involved with him might not be a good idea but then again what if I am like 35 and still single? I just don't want to find myself old and alone. Some may like that but I fear that life. I am just a mess right now.

 

[JFemme]

If he does not possess the qualities you value NOW, then you have your answer.

 

[Bunny77]

I guess getting involved with him might not be a good idea but then again what if I am like 35 and still single?

This shouldn't be the case unless you believe that he is the only man in the world who would want to marry you.

 

[Transformer]

I just had a conversation with him about his future plans and how I want to get married. He is telling me he can't promise me anything cause he is not financial set right now which is true. He could not even say ok for two years down the road. He is like I don't know I can't promise anything. He is telling he understands where I am coming from but he does not want to make a promise he can't keep. I guess getting involved with him might not be a good idea but then again what if I am like 35 and still single? I just don't want to find myself old and alone. Some may like that but I fear that life. I am just a mess right now.

Mmmm Ellis you have a lot of single anxiety issues going on! Don't equate being married, or being with someone as the same as being happy. So what if you're 35 and still single!

Calm down, reclaim your wits,......he's not willing to make a committment to you.....now nor in the future. He's not leading you on! Don't try to hold on. When you turn 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, or 36.....you won't be married to him.

 

[CAPlush]

My husband was done with school, had a good job, his own place and own car when we met. I did not have to do any further "molding" he progressed on his own to the place where he is now. I don't consider him a project of mine, and vice versa. I think you pretty much have a choice to take him as is, or wait until he gets his act together while not limiting yourself dating wise. I would not recommend for you to "push" him to get his act together, nothing more than perhaps making suggestions or providing assistance when asked. Don't write down a 3 year plan to get him out of school and employed, and post it making check marks as he completes his tasks (yes I have heard of a woman who did this).

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

This shouldn't be the case unless you believe that he is the only man in the world who would want to marry you.

You know this is sad to admit but I have had a hard time finding a quality man. Everyone who likes me I don't like. I had One really serious relationship which lasted 6yrs and the fool cheated on me and got some busted women pregnant. I have been traumatized since. I do notice I like a certain type physically and I stick to that. The guy in question now is my type physically and he has other qualities I like. So I am afraid of being alone because I think it is hard to find my type which will be interested in me. I don't know what the future holds but I am 29 and only had one real relationship, I obviously don't have much luck finding the right guy.

 

[Transformer]

You know this is sad to admit but I have had a hard time finding a quality man. Everyone who likes me I don't like. I had One really serious relationship which lasted 6yrs and the fool cheated on me and got some busted women pregnant. I have been traumatized since. I do notice I like a certain type physically and I stick to that. The guy in question now is my type physically and he has other qualities I like. So I am afraid of being alone because I think it is hard to find my type which will be interested in me. I don't know what the future holds but I am 29 and only had one real relationship, I obviously don't have much luck finding the right guy.

Let's see what we have here.

Physical type < not equal to quality man.
I think you need to modify the physical attributes you are seeking. Your number one qualification is physical attraction which isn't working out too well.

By the way when I was 29, I had only one serious relationship also!

 

[Bunny77]

You know this is sad to admit but I have had a hard time finding a quality man. Everyone who likes me I don't like. I had One really serious relationship which lasted 6yrs and the fool cheated on me and got some busted women pregnant. I have been traumatized since. I do notice I like a certain type physically and I stick to that. The guy in question now is my type physically and he has other qualities I like. So I am afraid of being alone because I think it is hard to find my type which will be interested in me. I don't know what the future holds but I am 29 and only had one real relationship, I obviously don't have much luck finding the right guy.

Hmm... I can understand your concern... the issues you've mentioned suggest that you might need to change your approach to dating/marriage.

If you want to be married, you need to only date men who are marriage minded. That means no more six-year relationships with anyone... heck at your age, 1-2 years of dating should be the maximum you'll give a man before a proposal, and you should be discussing plans for marriage in a general sense throughout your relationship. If he's marriage minded, he'll want to discuss it with you very early in the game.

Also, you need to stop basing your interests on physical attraction. Yes, we all want a man who is appealing to us, but at the end of the day, being fine doesn't make a man a good boyfriend, husband and father.

Maybe it's time to start paying more attention to the men who DO like you, instead of worrying about the ones who don't... cause they'll go on ahead and find someone who likes them and marry them, while you're still wondering about attractive men who are unstable and not looking to get married anytime soon.

That's a quick road to being 35 and single!

Stop looking at this as being about luck... it's not about luck. And you've probably met plenty of "right guys," but haven't recognized them as such because they didn't appeal to you physically.

Now, I'm not saying to get a horribly ugly guy or anything, but there are plenty of decent guys who might be okay-to-cute, who can quickly become very appealing because of how well they treat you.


I know I'm being blunt, but hey... I mean well!

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Let's see what we have here.

Physical type < not equal to quality man.
I think you need to modify the physical attributes you are seeking. Your number one qualification is physical attraction which isn't working out too well.

By the way when I was 29, I had only one serious relationship also!

I want a quality man I am physically attracted to. I know it seems shallow but I feel if someone finds me attrative and are happy to wake up next to me, I should feel the same way. He does not have to be attractive to the world, just to me. I know this limits me but I can't get over it. I would like to be married so I can start a family. I don't want to have kids without a good husband. I come close to tears when I see babies because I am wondering when I will find mr. right so I can have one as well. I have been feeling like this since I turned 25 and now 4 yrs later I am still single and searching for mr. right. I just don't understand why God does not answer my prayer.

 

[Zaynab]

Hello Ladies,

I pose this question to the married ladies or anyone who has been in a long term relationship.

When you started dating your spouse/significant other was he everything you wanted in a man or as time went on you realized he is the best person for you? I ask because a friend of mine has been interested in me for some time now but he is not what my first choice would be at my age 29. He is in school but he is currently unemployed but is looking, still lives with his parents, does not have a car or a cellphone all due to him taking a trip last year to Haiti and when he came back he lost his job, car and had no money. He is 24 so I cut him some slack but he needs to get it together. I being older have my career, own place, own car and am more stable financially. It is not really about the money for me but more of am I settling? I keep asking myself that, I am so confused.

I have to also mention he is a sweetheart and is a man of God which I always wanted . I am wondering even if he is not all I want now will he be what I want later. Did you experience this? I know some folks meet their dream mates and he or she is the whole package but others meet someone who is ok but not great and they work with that. Should I work with what I can get or countinue to wait for prince charming who may or never come.

I want to find a good husband and in my mind I don’t doubt he would be a good mate but his current situation makes me wonder if I can deal with it at the present time. I am not a women who likes to take the lead much, I prefer a man who is situated already and comes to me and we can take it from there. In this case I feel like I will have to mold him into the man I want him to be. But I don’t want to make a decision I will regret a couple of years from now. I would love to hear any stories you ladies have experience and what the outcome was. Thanks

I didn't read beyond the bolded.

I'm glad you posted this though because other women need to see and read this. The bolded is IMO the difference between a man who is on his way up and trying to make someone into something they are not or the beloved "working with a man" term that I hate so much.

If a man is ready to date you and eventually marry---- he should have the basics and this guy does not. Although he is in school, his finances aren't together and he's not working, etc. Men should come ready made, not all this "I had to help him do this or that". I don't thnk now that you've reached a certain age, you should settle and just go to to the thing that seems like it could eventually "work". That's not the route to go. Don't let fear of NOT finding someone cloud your judgement on what is your standard.

Let me also say, I met my husband when he was IN school and working FT. But he had himself together, his finances and he had clear goals.

Men as you have described above, well if they dont' have it together now, at 24, how is he going to have it together later to be a husband? Take care of you? Do you have ideas of how you want to be in a family and a marriage? How you start off with a man is how they usually end up and how you end up. You will be frustrated years later when he didn't live up to the "potential" that you thought he would.

 

[Zaynab]

I want to correct my statement of saying I am trying to mold him. He has good qualities in him but he is just not at the point in his life that I would prefer. He is going to school for radiology so I know he will have a good career in a couple of years but I am thinking do i want to wait a couple of years for that to happen? I remember a few years ago I turned a guy down because he was too young and too short and was a senior in highschool and I was a junior in college. Well fast forward 2009 he just got married to a young lady I know, and is quite sucessful today. Yeah I felt a little regretful but I got over it. I just don't want to make the same mistake again. I don't want to turn a good man down just cause he is not all I want now, I know he has goals and is trying his best. I just don't want to get into the relationship and not feel completely satisfied and feel like I am missing out on something or someone better.

Was he nerdy and/or not attractive? Or a guy that you wouldn't really give the time of day to typically??

Off topic I know but I wish women would embrace these types of men a little more. The shiney toys in the store don't stay shiney long.....The ones that are nerdy and not so hot looking now are the ones that ten years later are paying nice mortgages, have 401K's, and taking their kids to soccer practice. I know cause I married one

 

[Zaynab]

Hmm... I can understand your concern... the issues you've mentioned suggest that you might need to change your approach to dating/marriage.

If you want to be married, you need to only date men who are marriage minded. That means no more six-year relationships with anyone... heck at your age, 1-2 years of dating should be the maximum you'll give a man before a proposal, and you should be discussing plans for marriage in a general sense throughout your relationship. If he's marriage minded, he'll want to discuss it with you very early in the game.

Also, you need to stop basing your interests on physical attraction. Yes, we all want a man who is appealing to us, but at the end of the day, being fine doesn't make a man a good boyfriend, husband and father.

Maybe it's time to start paying more attention to the men who DO like you, instead of worrying about the ones who don't... cause they'll go on ahead and find someone who likes them and marry them, while you're still wondering about attractive men who are unstable and not looking to get married anytime soon.

That's a quick road to being 35 and single!

Stop looking at this as being about luck... it's not about luck. And you've probably met plenty of "right guys," but haven't recognized them as such because they didn't appeal to you physically.

Now, I'm not saying to get a horribly ugly guy or anything, but there are plenty of decent guys who might be okay-to-cute, who can quickly become very appealing because of how well they treat you.


I know I'm being blunt, but hey... I mean well!

 

[freshlikemoi]

My fiance and I have been together for about 4.5 years.
I met him at 19 and he was 22 both in college in Boston.

When we first met, he was not husband material. Atleast not at the time, but I think that had a lot to do with our age and college stature at the time. Our relationship was rocking in the first year or so, dealing with other girls, distance some weeks etc. I blame all of that on college and immaturity,

Now as my fiance he is everything I want him to be because the negro is trained. && I don't mean that in a bad way cuz he trained me too. Because we met at a young age we both needed a lot of beating and molding. && after all of the hard work I am happy to say that it was all worth it.

AMEN to that. Our wedding is next September.

 

[Zaynab]

My fiance and I have been together for about 4.5 years.
I met him at 19 and he was 22 both in college in Boston.

When we first met, he was not husband material. Atleast not at the time, but I think that had a lot to do with our age and college stature at the time. Our relationship was rocking in the first year or so, dealing with other girls, distance some weeks etc. I blame all of that on college and immaturity,

Now as my fiance he is everything I want him to be because the negro is trained. && I don't mean that in a bad way cuz he trained me too. Because we met at a young age we both needed a lot of beating and molding. && after all of the hard work I am happy to say that it was all worth it.

AMEN to that. Our wedding is next September.

You bring up a good point. I meant to add to my above post that there is a difference between being young and dating and not. There is a major difference.

At OP's point in life and having a career, I wouldn't be sitting around dealing with a man that was still immature and not sure of himself. The whole he's going into "radiology" just sounds shaky to me too

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!

 

[Mai Tai]

Was he nerdy and/or not attractive? Or a guy that you wouldn't really give the time of day to typically??

Off topic I know but I wish women would embrace these types of men a little more. The shiney toys in the store don't stay shiney long.....The ones that are nerdy and not so hot looking now are the ones that ten years later are paying nice mortgages, have 401K's, and taking their kids to soccer practice. I know cause I married one

Zaynab, you could not have said it better.

My questions for the OP is:

1. Are you in love with this man, or the idea of being married? Marriages require a lot of work. It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into being in a relationship with someone you really don't love, and someone who really has no intention of marrying you. That is not fair to him or you.

2. Why are you still traumatized over a man that did you wrong in the past? We have all been done wrong by men. The key is to heal and move on. As long as you continue to be 'traumatized' by something that another man did, you will not be ready for a serious relationship or marriage. A good man will look at you and see all of your baggage, and head in the opposite direction. Just like you are not obligated to support this man emotionally while he gets on his feet, he is not obligated to love you through you past relationship pain. Whomever you choose to marry deserves a clean slate, and should never have to pay for the wrongdoings of another man.

3. Why are you finding it so hard to look past the physical? Like someone else said, yes we all want that 6'5, built, sexy, rich, Idris Elba look-a-like. But that is not only unrealistic, but also very shallow. Good looks do not equal love...it equals lust. In your quest to find Mr. Fine, you could be blocking your blessing. Now I am not saying that you have to settle for a man with bad hygeine, raggedy clothes, and even worse morals and values, but good looks do not make a man sexy or desireable, nor does it make him Mr. Right. You will be so surprised how fast Mr. Average turns into Mr. Idris look-a-like when he is treating you like you always wanted to be treated.

I say this in love, but it sounds to me like you have a little (just a little ) more spiritual, and emotional growing to do before you will be truly ready for a serious commitment, and marriage. Be patient, and don't get caught up in your age. People get married at all ages, and it's never too late.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I just had a conversation with him about his future plans and how I want to get married. [b[He is telling me he can't promise me anything cause he is not financial set right now which is true. He could not even say ok for two years down the road. He is like I don't know I can't promise anything. [/b]He is telling he understands where I am coming from but he does not want to make a promise he can't keep. I guess getting involved with him might not be a good idea but then again what if I am like 35 and still single? I just don't want to find myself old and alone. Some may like that but I fear that life. I am just a mess right now.

Stop here.

Cut your losses and move on. Do NOT wait on someone who tells you THEY DON'T KNOW.

And what if you ARE 35 and single? What's going to happen? Are you going to shrivel up and die? You have SIX YEARS to figure it out. You do realize that this man isn't your only option, right?

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Thanks ladies for all the good advice. I think I am just going to continue praying for God to send me what I am looking for. This guy goes to my church so it is difficult to be around him cause I do have feelings for him but I know we obviously are not on the same page. I will just let him know this is what I want and if he cannot offer it to me then he should leave me alone. I constantly mentioned the age difference to him but he always said it did not matter, I just don't get why he thinks I would want to wait several years to get married to him. He wants to get married when he is ready which is understandable but I want to get married like yesterday. Oh well it is what it is and I will just have to take life as it is. Thanks again ladies.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Regardless of how you feel about him, don't you want a man that can man up? how long has he been in this situation?

If he was a real man, he should have a way to remedyh this situation. Also, I wouldn't want to marry anyone that's still in school. Let them focus.

Pray about it

 

[hopeful]

I have seen women marry men that they thought they could "change" and help them become real men. I have yet to see it work, especially when it comes to men who are unable to keep a job and maintain their financial situation. For some reason that is a particularly troublesome and difficult thing to change in a man. If you are going to settle, settle on age, looks, his weight, but not on his character, work ethic, intelligence. I am like you and I like a man who can lead and hold things down so you hold out for that and if you have to let a few wishes go, let the ones go that won't cause you so much stress and frustation.

 

[Transformer]

Thanks ladies for all the good advice. I think I am just going to continue praying for God to send me what I am looking for. This guy goes to my church so it is difficult to be around him cause I do have feelings for him but I know we obviously are not on the same page. I will just let him know this is what I want and if he cannot offer it to me then he should leave me alone. I constantly mentioned the age difference to him but he always said it did not matter, I just don't get why he thinks I would want to wait several years to get married to him. He wants to get married when he is ready which is understandable but I want to get married like yesterday. Oh well it is what it is and I will just have to take life as it is. Thanks again ladies.

I'm not religious, but doesn't God send you the man he thinks is best for you...not necessarily the one you've looking for. The ones you've selected and set the criteria haven't been working out so well. God maybe has sent him a couple of times but you didn't recognize because the physical attributes didn't match your idea! However if God is very detail on delivering what a person wants....I'll put in my request for a 6'5" deep chocolate brother, 51, very wealthy, no children, and is also an orphan. He should be artistic, good with his hands, atheletic, likes dogs and kind to old people!

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I'm not religious, but doesn't God send you the man he thinks is best for you...not necessarily the one you've looking for. The ones you've selected and set the criteria haven't been working out so well. God maybe has sent him a couple of times but you didn't recognize because the physical attributes didn't match your idea! However if God is very detail on delivering what a person wants....I'll put in my request for a 6'5" deep chocolate brother, 51, very wealthy, no children, and is also an orphan. He should be artistic, good with his hands, atheletic, likes dogs and kind to old people!

I do believe God can send someone exactly what they are looking for, well at least 80% of what they are looking for. This guy would be 100% of what I was looking for if his financial situation was different. He has characteristics I love in a man, and he is God fearing and that is like a biggie for me. He told me he cannot commit to do this in 1yr or 2yr but he will work with me to see what happens. I have decided to just date around and see what my options are. I am just nervous to decide to be with him and 2yrs comes and we still are not married. knowing me I will be too attached to leave at that point. I told him if he was really in love with me like he claims all these years, that this would not be an issue and he could make a commitment if he wanted. I also told him to put himself in my shoes, at 29 why would I want a man telling me maybe we will get married in a year or two and maybe we won't I don't know what can happen. I need to hear, yes I would like to get married and we can put our heads together to start saving and work towards.

Maybe it is his age and he does not have the maturity to understand where I am coming from or maybe I am overeacting? I really don't know what to do with myself at this point. Also I have not met one man in the recent years that was even close to being a good man. Trust me I would give a good guy a chance if I met him, I am sure I have not. If you only saw my options. I know part of my problem is getting out more, I just go to school, church and work and the fact that there is a huge lack of good men out there is making this really difficult.

 

[freshlikemoi]

You bring up a good point. I meant to add to my above post that there is a difference between being young and dating and not. There is a major difference.

At OP's point in life and having a career, I wouldn't be sitting around dealing with a man that was still immature and not sure of himself. The whole he's going into "radiology" just sounds shaky to me too

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!!

Thank you so much.

 

[Bunny77]

This guy would be 100% of what I was looking for if his financial situation was different. He has characteristics I love in a man, and he is God fearing and that is like a biggie for me. He told me he cannot commit to do this in 1yr or 2yr but he will work with me to see what happens. I have decided to just date around and see what my options are. I am just nervous to decide to be with him and 2yrs comes and we still are not married. knowing me I will be too attached to leave at that point. I told him if he was really in love with me like he claims all these years, that this would not be an issue and he could make a commitment if he wanted. I also told him to put himself in my shoes, at 29 why would I want a man telling me maybe we will get married in a year or two and maybe we won't I don't know what can happen. I need to hear, yes I would like to get married and we can put our heads together to start saving and work towards.

Maybe it is his age and he does not have the maturity to understand where I am coming from or maybe I am overeacting? I really don't know what to do with myself at this point.

Look, the boy done tole' ya that he didn't want to get married. That could mean that he's not ready now OR it means that he doesn't want to marry YOU.

I know that sounds cold, but there are so many stories out there of men who, when they decide to get married, go and find some completely new chick and marry her in an instant, while passing by the woman who waited for him to get himself together.

So, you have two choices. Accept what the dude said (and I give him lots of credit for being honest) and move on with your life, or wait and see what will happen while recognizing that you might be waiting a long time or that he could pick someone else.

All this analyzing is wasting your time. He gave you an answer and that's that. You want to get married soon, he doesn't.

End of story. Move on or wait for something that might not come.