Reflection on Cheaters

[kanozas]

Requested disclaimer: No, this is not my situation in the least. I'm reflecting upon some stats, general opinions, real life situations I know about and my own opinion that men simply must go against the high tide to remain faithful and stats say that most of them will cheat in a marriage during the duration of it, esp. if it's a very long marriage. Not a man-hater, but am a realist. I hope this suffices.

The more I live, the more I mistrust that most men can be faithful nor will be faithful. I can't know for sure, but I wonder how many of these men coming to confession have cheated on their families (although they shouldn't, I've heard priests say it's a rather common confession). Religious or secular, most of them don't appreciate that we give up our entire lives for them, even if we are still active in our singular endeavors and work our professions. It changes. We come under their threshold and not vice versa. It would be nice if they'd recognize the sacrifice and stop playing games. I'd rather know up-front that I'm no longer wanted (be honest, move on mutually is the meaning). Cheaters truly are disgusting, narcissistic, disingenuous thieves and I'm glad they will reap what they sow. Recompense might not come now, but it will come.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Why are you giving up your life for a man? Why do you think that's what most women are doing?
There are plenty of men who don't cheat. Also, the percentage of women who cheat is almost equal to the rate of men who cheat.
If you assume that all men cheat, you're going to attract that into your life.

 

[hopeful]

The more I live, the more I mistrust that most men can be faithful nor will be faithful. I can't know for sure, but I wonder how many of these men coming to confession have cheated on their families. Religious or secular, most of them don't appreciate that we give up our entire lives for them, even if we are still active in our singular endeavors and work our professions. It changes. We come under their threshold and not vice versa. It would be nice if they'd recognize the sacrifice and stop playing games. I'd rather know up-front that I'm no longer wanted. Cheaters truly are disgusting, narcissistic, disingenuous thieves and I'm glad they will reap what they sow. Recompense might not come now, but it will come.

I can see you are in pain and for that I am sorry.

I do want to encourage you and other young ladies to not give up everything for anyone or to sacrifice yourself or your needs for anyone. That is a recipe for disaster. Many of us have done it, but I have learned and continue to learn that a mature man who cares about you wouldn't dream of asking or accepting that his lady sacrifice everything for him. And a woman who really loves herself won't sacrifice herself either. So what I'm saying is the minute you give yourself up for someone they are almost guaranteed to break your heart because the relationship is out of balance and not reciprocal.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I can see you are in pain and for that I am sorry.

I do want to encourage you and other young ladies to not give up everything for anyone or to sacrifice yourself or your needs for anyone. That is a recipe for disaster. Many of us have done it, but I have learned and continue to learn that a mature man who cares about you wouldn't dream of asking or accepting that his lady sacrifice everything for him. And a woman who really loves herself won't sacrifice herself either. So what I'm saying is the minute you give yourself up for someone they are almost guaranteed to break your heart because the relationship is out of balance and not reciprocal.

Someone said this in another thread, but you always know how to say things with compassion. You said what I was feeling but I can only say it as, what the hayle? Why the hayle? Who the hayle? I'm going to work on getting to my tender side.

 

[hopeful]

Someone said this in another thread, but you always know how to say things with compassion. You said what I was feeling but I can only say it as, what the hayle? Why the hayle? Who the hayle? I'm going to work on getting to my tender side.

@ the bolded.

Thank you for the compliment .

 

[CaliiSwagg]

I can see you are in pain and for that I am sorry. I do want to encourage you and other young ladies to not give up everything for anyone or to sacrifice yourself or your needs for anyone. That is a recipe for disaster. Many of us have done it, but I have learned and continue to learn that a mature man who cares about you wouldn't dream of asking or accepting that his lady sacrifice everything for him. And a woman who really loves herself won't sacrifice herself either. So what I'm saying is the minute you give yourself up for someone they are almost guaranteed to break your heart because the relationship is out of balance and not reciprocal.

This is the realest thing I have read in a while!! Thank you for this cus lord knows I needed it.

 

[hopeful]

This is the realest thing I have read in a while!! Thank you for this cus lord knows I needed it.

You know it's something I've been thinking about. Like you know the whole story where the woman works so the man can go to law school or med school and assumes then she will be appreciated and taken care of when he's finished? But the relationship is based on her supporting him, him pursuing his dreams, her being put aside for years. And the whole he's really busy now pursuing a promotion or starting a business or whatever so I should be patient. And people encourage this, like sacrificing and struggling and being lonely is part of being a good woman. No, it's part of being a martyr.

 

[kanozas]

Why are you giving up your life for a man? Why do you think that's what most women are doing?
There are plenty of men who don't cheat. Also, the percentage of women who cheat is almost equal to the rate of men who cheat.
If you assume that all men cheat, you're going to attract that into your life.

Bwahahaha! I said it was a reflection on the class of low-lifes called "cheaters." Please don't read much into it. This is not my life in the least. Oh my L-rd! LivingInPeace

 

[kanozas]

I can see you are in pain and for that I am sorry.

I do want to encourage you and other young ladies to not give up everything for anyone or to sacrifice yourself or your needs for anyone. That is a recipe for disaster. Many of us have done it, but I have learned and continue to learn that a mature man who cares about you wouldn't dream of asking or accepting that his lady sacrifice everything for him. And a woman who really loves herself won't sacrifice herself either. So what I'm saying is the minute you give yourself up for someone they are almost guaranteed to break your heart because the relationship is out of balance and not reciprocal.

OH my goodness. Well, it's not just men who cheat...but since I'm a woman, I took the viewpoint from a female first. But, in short, NO. I'm not in that situation. Sigh. It's a REFLECTION on a condition of humankind and it's not looking too promising for a good majority of people. Don't read too much into it. I'm looking at people - other people in such situations. Some are close, some others aren't but these are true dealings folks are having. Am I careful personally? You bet I am. Don't want to end up badly. In other words, it can suck out there and I'm not going to enter that realm voluntarily. @hopeful
------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, we had a huge discussion on here not too long ago about mistresses and such and it was brought up various times that men just aren't mentally monogamous. I think it takes a lot for them to hold themselves back from following their...ahem...wee wee's lol. That's the reflection. I'm not saying for you not to have any hope. I'm reflecting on cheaters. They are not cute. As for the freedom to discuss real issues between men and women...hmmm. Carry on, though. Just don't attribute to me what you want to think...it doesn't apply. I never thought anyone would react this way. I could question why it rubbed a rib so hard, though.

 

[Mai Tai]

Instead of laughing at the post in this thread, why not just place a disclaimer in the beginning of your OP that this is not your situation.

No one reacted poorly, they just reacted to your post. Stop making drama where there is none. Just stop it.

 

[kanozas]

I didn't think I had to put any type of disclaimer. but know what, I'll edit to put a disclaimer. Thanks for the heads up. I'll leave it at that.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Well, I'll just say that your original post sounded like this was something that was happening to you. I'm glad it's not. I would hate to think that anyone is giving up their lives for a man. And I hate to think that any woman has given up on the idea of finding a faithful man. Your post sounded very defeated. That was the intent and attitude I was trying to convey in my post.

 

[hopeful]

It's not your situation personally. I get it. But it is your reflection, no? It is your personal opinion on the matter though, right? Your response to our posts is so strong and negative my first reaction is to lash back out, but I refuse to do that. My reply was written in love. I was trying to be helpful. When women write that most or all men cheat I rarely respond because I feel like they are welcome to their opinion about men. That's why I think that I and the other poster focused on the point made in your reflection about women sacrificing everything. Women can't do anything about men in general or whether they are going to cheat but they can control how they show up for life and in relationships. I just want to be clear that my reply was sent in love and was an attempt to help you and any other young lady who thinks sacrificing themselves is a good idea. I'm glad this is not your story. I am sorry our posts felt like attacks. I stand by what I wrote though. Just assume it was written for someone else then and not you. I will not reply in your thread anymore in order to avoid any additional misunderstandings. Best of luck to you.

 

[kanozas]

Well, I'll just say that your original post sounded like this was something that was happening to you. I'm glad it's not. I would hate to think that anyone is giving up their lives for a man. And I hate to think that any woman has given up on the idea of finding a faithful man. Your post sounded very defeated. That was the intent and attitude I was trying to convey in my post.

Thank you. Noooo, thank goodness, it's not my situation today. But in a way, if I look at all the relationships out there, they're just wrought with problems by default. Men and women are so very different. If anything, men need to learn to communicate with women more than the other way around and give far less effort. I don't think anybody has to give up trying to find a faithful man but being pragmatic about it, I think it's far more likely that a man will cheat long-term - that, perhaps, it's just going to be an issue and if not, it'll be unusual. Plenty of women give up their lives - portions of their lives, even if they're the CEO's of something...talking power. When you unite with another, someone ends up deferring and that's usually a woman. Little by little, it's a slippery slope and before she knows it, she's given up quite a bit compared to when she was single. It creeps up little by little. It might not be financially, it could be emotionally etc.

I still think cheaters are awful people. Better to give a canned breakup letter than to string somebody along. Why the fear to be honest? I think it's stealing. Cut it early, suffer and then recoup sooner.

Read recently in some survey that 70% of marriages have had issues of infidelity. The stats vary but it's not small. That's why I think that, worldwide, it's just a condition of man or something. SMH. That, if you are going to get into a relationship, better to go in with tools and psychological weaponry of some sort to deal with the likelihood of cheating.

If anything, I thought your approach but I can appreciate you were trying to help what you thought was an actual situation. And my bad for not putting a disclaimer. I don't post here Rlshps. often. I know about infidelity but I am far from defeatist. I just think that "men are men." The older I get, the more convos I have with friends/acquaintances, the more I tend to see them this way esp. looking around. I don't think they are born to be monogamous. It's like going against the grain of biology imho.

 

[kanozas]

It's not your situation personally. I get it. But it is your reflection, no? It is your personal opinion on the matter though, right? Your response to our posts is so strong and negative my first reaction is to lash back out, but I refuse to do that. My reply was written in love. I was trying to be helpful. When women write that most or all men cheat I rarely respond because I feel like they are welcome to their opinion about men. That's why I think that I and the other poster focused on the point made in your reflection about women sacrificing everything. Women can't do anything about men in general or whether they are going to cheat but they can control how they show up for life and in relationships. I just want to be clear that my reply was sent in love and was an attempt to help you and any other young lady who thinks sacrificing themselves is a good idea. I'm glad this is not your story. I am sorry our posts felt like attacks. I stand by what I wrote though. Just assume it was written for someone else then and not you. I will not reply in your thread anymore in order to avoid any additional misunderstandings. Best of luck to you.

Thanks. Don't worry about it. Don't stop responding either. I'm open. I've dealt with infidelity before...however, I'm not in any such scenario today. I'm good. Reflection on men and women. I think cheating affects all of us, even if you're not in it. I think it affects how we all deal with one another in general. I think it shows our lack of character and extinguishes good will and all that good stuff. If like a worm in an apple...will cause the whole thing to rot if we don't get it out. Men and women need one another.

 

[LivingInPeace]

Thank you. Noooo, thank goodness, it's not my situation today. But in a way, if I look at all the relationships out there, they're just wrought with problems by default. Men and women are so very different. If anything, men need to learn to communicate with women more than the other way around and give far less effort. I don't think anybody has to give up trying to find a faithful man but being pragmatic about it, I think it's far more likely that a man will cheat long-term - that, perhaps, it's just going to be an issue and if not, it'll be unusual. Plenty of women give up their lives - portions of their lives, even if they're the CEO's of something...talking power. When you unite with another, someone ends up deferring and that's usually a woman. Little by little, it's a slippery slope and before she knows it, she's given up quite a bit compared to when she was single. It creeps up little by little. It might not be financially, it could be emotionally etc.

I still think cheaters are awful people. Better to give a canned breakup letter than to string somebody along. Why the fear to be honest? I think it's stealing. Cut it early, suffer and then recoup sooner.

Read recently in some survey that 70% of marriages have had issues of infidelity. The stats vary but it's not small. That's why I think that, worldwide, it's just a condition of man or something. SMH. That, if you are going to get into a relationship, better to go in with tools and psychological weaponry of some sort to deal with the likelihood of cheating.

If anything, I thought your approach but I can appreciate you were trying to help what you thought was an actual situation. And my bad for not putting a disclaimer. I don't post here Rlshps. often. I know about infidelity but I am far from defeatist. I just think that "men are men." The older I get, the more convos I have with friends/acquaintances, the more I tend to see them this way esp. looking around. I don't think they are born to be monogamous. It's like going against the grain of biology imho.

Okay. Now we can have a conversation!
I think that both men and women make sacrifices in relationships. That's not a popular stance on this forum. But I think that in a lot of marriages you will find men who have given of themselves financially to a far greater extent than the woman has. A lot of women will say, "Well, of course. That's his job as a man." Well then men can counter with a woman's claims of sacrificing her career and personal pursuits for her family by saying, "Well that's her job as a woman."

Another unpopular opinion: I don't think cheaters are awful people. I think they're flawed people. Just like everyone else. I may be flawed and selfish in another way.

I think many people, especially Americans, approach marriage as if it's a fairy tale romance. They then become shocked and disillusioned when they find out they married a person, not a fantasy.

To another one of your points; I don't think men or women were meant to be monogamous. If we were, it wouldn't be so difficult.

 

[kanozas]

Exactly! It could be inevitable and lucky if it never materializes (infidelity). No fairytale at all. I don't know what is a worse trade-off...arranged or faux-fairytale. It all looks about the same lol. I could bring up the issue whether people should start using condoms in marriage as is now being recommended but that might start another "war." I seecheating as trickery and such, stealing. I don't think highly of thieves.

 

[CaraWalker]

It's not your situation personally. I get it. But it is your reflection, no? It is your personal opinion on the matter though, right? Your response to our posts is so strong and negative my first reaction is to lash back out, but I refuse to do that. My reply was written in love. I was trying to be helpful. When women write that most or all men cheat I rarely respond because I feel like they are welcome to their opinion about men. That's why I think that I and the other poster focused on the point made in your reflection about women sacrificing everything. Women can't do anything about men in general or whether they are going to cheat but they can control how they show up for life and in relationships. I just want to be clear that my reply was sent in love and was an attempt to help you and any other young lady who thinks sacrificing themselves is a good idea. I'm glad this is not your story. I am sorry our posts felt like attacks. I stand by what I wrote though. Just assume it was written for someone else then and not you. I will not reply in your thread anymore in order to avoid any additional misunderstandings. Best of luck to you.

in all honesty posts like this (the op) make me wonder... i tend not to reply much to them, that are questioning the capabilities of men rather than the motives of women, because i really just do not spend a lot of time thinking about it. maybe if i had been in a relationship characterized by cheating i would. but i havent and its just not something i spend time thinking about - are all men cheaters? is it hard to find a faithful man? what is the likelihood of a man not cheating? etc. it is literally at the very bottom of my concerns list when i think about dating and relationships.

maybe that would be a good attitude to take about men?

 

[kanozas]

in all honesty posts like this (the op) make me wonder... i tend not to reply much to them, that are questioning the capabilities of men rather than the motives of women, because i really just do not spend a lot of time thinking about it. maybe if i had been in a relationship characterized by cheating i would. but i havent and its just not something i spend time thinking about - are all men cheaters? is it hard to find a faithful man? what is the likelihood of a man not cheating? etc. it is literally at the very bottom of my concerns list when i think about dating and relationships.

maybe that would be a good attitude to take about men?

The difference is age, I think. I've been around a little while. I've seen right and left such issues and the men might have been very good men. Did they fall? Lots of them. I don't know why that is other than possibly biology and a spiritual condition. I think about it because for every young, inexperienced person who enters the world of relationships, at some point in future, they are typically becoming those who eventually deal with it. I don't know what you mean about women's motives. Care to elaborate?

 

[CaraWalker]

the post about mistresses was about a womans choices and i participated in that thread. by contrast i generally dont have much opinion about cheating men because its generally not a part of my reality. you saying as i get older it probably will be is reflective of that no pun intended. if anything i am more likely to be a cheater in my relationships but that is the dynamic of my personality and the type of man and relationship i am prone to choose.

 

[kanozas]

Yes, I know, but there was a sub-discussion on many side issues, cheating being likely in a long-term marriage, one of them. I'm basing it off of my own viewpoints as a person who has been around longer but also on the word of others and their experiences. You're saying it's an equal opportunity condition? I get that.

 

[missware2003]

You know it's something I've been thinking about. Like you know the whole story where the woman works so the man can go to law school or med school and assumes then she will be appreciated and taken care of when he's finished? But the relationship is based on her supporting him, him pursuing his dreams, her being put aside for years. And the whole he's really busy now pursuing a promotion or starting a business or whatever so I should be patient. And people encourage this, like sacrificing and struggling and being lonely is part of being a good woman. No, it's part of being a martyr.

I was in this situation, and it was not pretty nor reciprocated in the end. I refuse to be a stepping stone for any other male in my life other than family (ie, brothers or cousins). This situation would drive a woman crazy.

In regards to the initial post. i don't think men understand the sacrifice...........................I can go all in but this post would be everlasting due to me being in this situation now...............

 

[movingforward13]

You know it's something I've been thinking about. Like you know the whole story where the woman works so the man can go to law school or med school and assumes then she will be appreciated and taken care of when he's finished? But the relationship is based on her supporting him, him pursuing his dreams, her being put aside for years. And the whole he's really busy now pursuing a promotion or starting a business or whatever so I should be patient. And people encourage this, like sacrificing and struggling and being lonely is part of being a good woman. No, it's part of being a martyr.

I was in this situation. I sacrificed a lot for my ex and assumed he would take care of me when he finally made it. Once he finally got to his goal and dream job, he found the girl he really wanted - a med student at Temple University, even though we were engaged/ got married. He ended up leaving for her... More like I told him if he wasn't choosing his family, I took that to be a choice and would file for divorce.
I will never sacrifice like that again and I don't encourage another woman to. I am not sure where that thinking comes from but I definitely learned my lesson and I hope to keep other women from making that mistake.