RANDOM THOUGHTS: Divorce Forum

[sunnieb]

@Evolving78 I think you get what I'm trying to say. I'm choosing not to be in a romantic relationship simply because I don't want one.

My past trauma and divorce aren't the deciding factors. I know plenty of people who are happy in second marriages. It exists. I just don't want that for me. I don't miss anything about it.

This peaceful life I've carved out for myself suits me. I shudder to think of a man invading my space asking questions and talking. No thank you.

 

[PatDM'T]

@sunnieb this quote
made me think
of the happy
space you are
in now.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

 

[sunnieb]

Reading through my newsfeed and came across this woman's answer to a question about living alone and how lonely and miserable it must be. I loved her response and sums of some of my feelings about living alone after a later-in-life divorce....

I am 64 and have the luxury of living alone, for 9 years now. Perhaps it is just me but I love my own company. I love not having to constantly check in with someone else about everything, like “what shall we eat”, “where shall we go?”. I love that the only person who makes a mess is me (and sometimes the dogs) and the only person who cleans it up is me. So no arguments there. In fact, I love no arguments. I love that I can get up at 5 am or 10 am or whatever. I can slop around the house in my pajamas and eat cereal from the box. I think it is all a matter of attitude. You can hate being alone or you can embrace it.

 

[sunnieb]

Another thing about divorce I've learned.... to let go, I mean really let go.

I'm not fighting issues that will be detrimental to my newfound peace.

Case in point - when the mediation was settled, there were two debts listed that we were to split 50/50. Guess what? He made ONE $50 "payment" (a week after the mediation) and never paid another cent.

I remember shrugging my shoulders and logging in to pay on these debts every month. I could take him to court and get a judgment for him to pay me - but why? I'm past done with that fool. The debt was mine as well as his and I took responsibility for it. He simply proved to me (again) how totally irresponsible and unaccountable he is.

I remember the feeling of elation when I got the email confirmation that both debts are now paid in full. I let go of the anger I felt brewing knowing that he will have a positive payment history on those accounts because of me.

Just let it all go. Feels good to do that.

 

[sunnieb]

Be sure you get certified copies of your divorce decree directly from the County Clerk's office.

Had lunch with a few ladies from work the other day. One of them started talking about her divorce. Her husband wasn't abusive, and they had an amicable split (no children).

He even told her he would file the paperwork. He didn't. It wasn't even because he didn't try. He sent the papers in or whatever, but something needed to be corrected. He never followed up with the court and neither did she. Both assumed they were divorced and moved on with their lives.

Fast forward 12 years and she's within 3 years of retirement and getting her ducks in a row. Somehow, the question came up about her ex being entitled to part of her pension. That's when she requested a copy of the decree only to find out it was never filed!

Her ex had moved out of state. She had to track him down, get on a plane, stay overnight, and physically take the divorce papers to him to get signed and notarized. Luckily, her ex wasn't a jerk. He just signed with no trouble. This could have ended so different for her!

We were all looking like.....WHAAATTT!

Shoo, I have FIVE original, certified, straight from the county, copies of my divorce decree in a fireproof storage box. I know for sure I am divorced. I ain't playing around with my pension!

 

[PatDM'T]

^That is crazy.

Is she just
as apathetic about
all other important
documents in her life?

 

[sunnieb]

^That is crazy.

Is she just
as apathetic about
all other important
documents in her life?

Chile.......

Too many assumptions were made. I've never been that way. I need proof. I don't care how amicable the divorce is. There a reason he's no longer your husband. Why you trust his word????

ETA: I do give her credit for sharing her experience. She owned up to what she did wrong and warned us about it. I'm glad he didn't try to go after her pension.

I'm also thankful for women who share their experiences so that others don't make the same mistake.

 

[Evolving78]

Nah i physically did everything at the courthouse, and got the copies right then and there. The judge even made me pay for transcripts and ordered me to file for that of the divorce decree. We cannot leave it in other people’s hands to take care of things we are responsible for or attached to. That is another reason why I will never get married again.

 

[sunnieb]

Divorce will try your patience!

My lawyer finally e-filed the paperwork I've been waiting on. I would've fired her, but she's so deep into the process, I just kept on her to get it done.

Now, the County is dragging the process along. I've heard that divorce filings are way up for our area and that has slowed an already slow process. I'm learning to be as patient as I can and stay on top of everything as it works through the court.

It will all be done eventually and all will be well.

 

[sunnieb]

Well Praise Be!!!!

It took over a year and a half and my ex delaying at every turn, but the judge signed off on all of the documents I submitted to the court!!!

He did it late yesterday. I took today off and spent 6 hours taking care of things. First order of business - got my butt down to the courthouse and got multiple certified copies of all documents. Then went around to 4 different offices handling the heck outta my business and wrapping stuff up. I'm sitting here with my glass of wine reading over all the receipts and paperwork. I made sure to cross all my t's and dot alllllll my i's.

I ain't playing no dang games with this divorce.

Take it from me and @Evolving78, do things in person when you can. Online and phone are good for initial research, but get in front of people to really get stuff done.

I'm exhausted and burned a lot of gas, but today was a good day.

 

[Evolving78]

These people want to take away no fault divorce.. anybody that is down with that party hates women. I walked away with nothing to be free. I know other women that have walked away with nothing. They didn’t care about assets or any kind of support. They just needed to be free and safe, and there are women that are down with taking that ability away. It is upsetting and scary..

 

[sunnieb]

Pray for me y'all!

Got a letter in the mail thinking it was a resolution to an issue - NOPE! I'm going to have to get another lawyer and work through this. Just one thing after another. I feel like I'm never going to be totally done with this divorce.

Was already dealing with crap at work and a family thing. Some days I just want to go outside and scream at the sky while shaking my fist!

Then I calm down and ask myself - is this worse than being married to that fool? No, no it's not.

I'll take a break, do some breathing and get to work looking for a lawyer with this specific specialty. If my old lawyer was doing her job, this wouldn't be an issue.

Woosaaahhhh!!!!

 

[sunnieb]

I decided to just go with these feelings. I canceled my last meeting at work and logged off.

Contacted 3 potential lawyers and set up consultations to see who I think can help me.

Divorce isn't pretty, easy, or fun, but I would go through this 100 times over rather than still be in that marriage.

 

[PatDM'T]

Sorry you're dealing
with so much.
While I dunno
the deets, why
does it seem
as if, if he
had his way
you'd be stuck
with him? It
just is not
making sense why
he doesn't just
beat it and
let you be.

Sending hugs

Glad you took
time for yourself.
#woosah indeed

 

[sunnieb]

@PatDM'T it doesn't make sense at all! Today was just a frustrating day. I let myself be in my feelings a little, but then I got back to doing what I do best. I have the strength to handle all of this that keeps getting thrown at me. But, I am human. I have to take a breath every now and then.

After looking up lawyers, I did some online shopping and paid the deposit on my next vacation. He WILL NOT steal any more of my joy!

It's all good and will work out in the end. This too shall pass.

 

[PatDM'T]

Dude must know
he lost a good
one and so
is just finding
loopholes to keep
the chapter from
closing. #pathetic

 

[sunnieb]

Ok, one MORE time for the people in the back....

My ex will NOT sign any documents or forms!!! Doesn't matter if it's something that will ultimately be for his benefit!!! He's an evil, vindictive, prick who is still trying to be annoying to me!!!

So, if one more person comes at me with "Yeah, everything is all done. We just need your signature and your ex's signature to close it out...." I'm going to lose it!

As I've stated many, many times, he won't sign. Let's start there. What are my options?

 

[PatDM'T]

Ok, one MORE time for the people in the back....

My ex will NOT sign any documents or forms!!! Doesn't matter if it's something that will ultimately be for his benefit!!! He's an evil, vindictive, prick who is still trying to be annoying to me!!!

So, if one more person comes at me with "Yeah, everything is all done. We just need your signature and your ex's signature to close it out...." I'm going to lose it!

As I've stated many, many times, he won't sign. Let's start there. What are my options?

Girrrrlll, your ex
is pissing me off
and I don't even
know the creature.

 

[sunnieb]

I was watching an episode of Snapped last night. A woman got tired of her abusive husband and killed him. She thought she was smart about it, but got caught.

There was a black woman in law enforcement that gave a very good interview talking about the case. She said something that really connected with me. It was something like "I'd like all women in this type of situation to know that divorce is an option. There is a life waiting for you on the other side of it. It won't be easy at first, but it will get better."

She said some other stuff, but that is the main truth. And it's not just about escaping abuse. Whatever causes a woman to want a divorce, that's her business. However, don't let that man drive you to the point where you commit murder. Yes, he's dead, but now you in jail for life. As many of you have followed my divorce journey know - my ex tried to make our divorce as costly and painful as he could. I'm still wrapping up some small details because of him.

But, I'm DIVORCED! That is a fact that he can't change. He can act up all he want to, it's not going to change the outcome. It was hard emotionally and financially for about a year. Now, I'm in better place in all aspects of my life. Even better than when I was married!

Don't be afraid of the unknown. Be afraid of remaining in a toxic marriage and what it will do to you. You will become a woman you don't recognize.

I was with that man for almost 32 years. I left. So can you.

 

[sunnieb]

Watching the Snapped episode profiling Wanda Stanley. This episode was very triggering for me, but I watched until the end.

Wanda was me. She was married to her husband for 20 years. Everybody thought he was the great guy....yada, yada, yada. It's Snapped, so y'all know how the story goes.

And his family is so typical of the family of abusers. They swore to God that the guy would 'never' do that. He's a sweet and generous man. They've never seen him say a bad word. And on and on!

I was practically yelling at the TV! Y'all don't know jack!!!! Of course he only shows you the good side!!! I yelled other stuff, but can't put it here.

My point is that this is why it's so hard for women like me to leave. No one believes us when we have to defend ourselves and our children from these monsters. I'm thankful everyday that I got out, got divorced, and didn't end up in jail.

I want women like Wanda to know that while I don't agree with what you did, I believe you and I understand.

 

[sunnieb]

This man summed up marriage and divorce so smooth and correct! Quick video:

 

[PatDM'T]

 

[sunnieb]

Question: What advice would you give your younger self?

This old woman's simple answer hit my soul.

 

[PatDM'T]

Question: What advice would you give your younger self?

This old woman's simple answer hit my soul.

I definitely want
to hear more...


Did she mean
her spouses both
recent or ex
and her dad
died within 3
months of each
other or does
she mean that
within 3 months
she married 2
men who both
died then her
dad too? Maybe
her hubby died,
she remarried and
he too died
shortly after as
did her dad.

Her eyes looked
sad when she
talked about that.
But I hope
that was just
because that part
of her story
was sad and
that she is
otherwise happy.

I will definitely
watch her documentary
if indeed one is
in the works.

#subscribed

 

[sunnieb]

I definitely want
to hear more...

Did she mean
her spouses both
recent or ex
and her dad
died within 3
months of each
other or does
she mean that
within 3 months
she married 2
men who both
died then her
dad too?

Her eyes look
sad. I hope
she isn't though.

I wondered that too. Either way, I hear her message loud and clear. The comments are full of triggered men AND women missing her point entirely.

This is advice she'd give to HER younger self. She is not downing men or marriage.

 

[PatDM'T]

Dupe

 

[PatDM'T]

I wondered that too. Either way, I hear her message loud and clear. The comments are full of triggered men AND women missing her point entirely.

This is advice she'd give to HER younger self. She is not downing men or marriage.

Glad I did not
read the comments.

I don't think
anyone under the
age of 101 has
any right to
question her advice.
Her experience, apparent
good health and
long life reek
of wisdom galore.
No one is
telling those know
it alls they have
to pick up
what she is
laying down or
even listen. They can
go fly a kite
and spare us
their ignant opinions.
This is why
we cannot have
good things.


Whatever happened
to "if you cannot
say something nice,
don't say anything
at all"? Or even
just "respect your
elders and learn
from their stories"?

 

[sunnieb]

I get to make alllllllllllllll the decisions!!!!
#happilydivorced

 

[sunnieb]

People (women) are demanding MORE from marriage. We refuse to live a life of misery!

#happilydivorced