Racist comments from the in-laws

[Milkyway]

I need advice...

I recently got marry to my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I'm extremly happy with him.But every time we go to visit his family one his sibling has to make a comment about my skin color. For example, yesturday, his uncle suggested to my husband that I should buy a soap to make my skin lighter. And he also was comparing his skin to mine to see how white he is. Before it was his grandma suggesting that I should relax my hair because it will make me look less black. I normally ignore stupid comments but they always make those comments around a group of people. what should I DO?

 

[gone_fishing]

Are your in-laws black?

I'm confused.

I expected you to say you were in an interracial marriage.

If they are black that's just ignorant.

However, take it as a compliment.

Sounds like they just wanted something to complain about and if the skin color insults are the best they could do then you must be pretty together.

What did your hubby say?

 

[cocoberry10]

Yeah, I’m kind of confused too. Are they Black or some other race? This will clarify a lot before I can give you advice. Also, what does your husband say (does he just stand there, does he tell them to stop???). I definitely think you should have a converstation with him to explain how this bothers you!

 

[WomanlyCharm]

If your inlaws are black, then they are downright ignorant.

If they're white...they're still pretty dang ignorant.

What would I do? I certainly wouldn't let them punish me with their stupidity. I'd call them out on their remarks (in a respectful way, of course!) and let them know it's not only disturbing, but offensive. And if that doesn't end it, just walk away when they start in with their foolishness.

And your husband better be right there standing up for you...if not, he's just as guilty as they are by staying silent.

Good luck Milkyway, they's your family now!

 

[sunnydaze]

Hmm..I'd like to know what they are as well. I don't want to make any assumptions, but I don't hear too many white people talking about relaxing hair or using soap to lighten skin. Perhaps are the Jamaican or African?

 

[Milkyway]

No, they are not black. They white. My husband believes that I not should take it so seriously because they "joking" . But sometimes when they make a really rude comment he will defend me. I dont care what they have to say about me, it just why in front of a group of people? But they also have black friends. And they have never said anything about their skin color in front of me?!

 

[darkangel25]

That is really sad. I agree that you should definitely talk to your husband about it so that he can speak with his family. I just wonder what will happen when you have kids... I hope that his family won't go filling their heads with this nonsense.

 

[candy1214]

You can try talking to your husband about it, but if he finds them funny then I dont know what to tell you.

Next time you're at a family gathering and they start making comments, I would nip it in the bud. Confront those making the ignorant, racist statements so that they know when they are crossing the line w/ you.

 

[andreab]

I am really really sorry this is happening to you. I would be flamed if I said everything that was on my mind. This is exactly the reason I decided that I would no longer date white guys. He said you shouldn't take it seriously he is not black so he doesn't know how serious their comments are. You married this family do you want to have kids.

 

[MzLady78]

No, they are not black. They white. My husband believes that I not should take it so seriously because they "joking" . But sometimes when they make a really rude comment he will defend me. I dont care what they have to say about me, it just why in front of a group of people? But they also have black friends. And they have never said anything about their skin color in front of me?!

This right here is a MAJOR problem.

He and his family need to be set straight.

 

[andreab]

You can try talking to your husband about it, but if he finds them funny then I dont know what to tell you.

Next time you're at a family gathering and they start making comments, I would nip it in the bud. Confront those making the ignorant, racist statements so that they know when they are crossing the line w/ you.

Yep this is good to.
I am sorry if I seem mean I was in this situation. I never married my DD father. His family was rude at first but over time accepted us. It had a lot to do with her father speaking up and letting his family know how he felt and his sister let the rest of the family know that we were apart of the family. These things came out during the engagement. I decided this wasn't the man for me.

 

[beadedgirl]

I am really really sorry this is happening to you. I would be flamed if I said everything that was on my mind. This is exactly the reason I decided that I would no longer date white guys. He said you shouldn't take it seriously he is not black so he doesn't know how serious their comments are. You married this family do you want to have kids.

All the more reason to nip THIS IN THE BUD.....god forbid you would want to bring your children around this IGNORANT BULLSH*T!!!!!!!!

Don't let this go girl........let that be "FOOD FOR THOUGHT".

 

[Suerte]

Okay... this question might sound weird... but what race are you?

Are you half black, an of-color minority but not black, 1/4 black, black all the way but don't look like it?

The reason I am asking this... is because some of the comments your inlaws are making are seeming like they believe that with a few modifications, you would have the ability to "pass". IE, straight hair and a shade or two up and you could blend in.

Sometimes older white people say stupid stuff like this. It's a backhanded compliment, IE... you're almost like us so we are okay with you but you will never be us, but we are okay with things how they are... but can you straighten your hair, please?

They mean it sarcastically but not cruelly. If that makes sense.

Your husband is defending you. Good for him. Now he needs to take it one step further and tell his parents to fall the F back making those kinds of comments. He might genuinely feel his parents are trying to be funny.

 

[mrsjohnson75]

OMG! You should not tolerate this! If your husband does not stand up for you then you have a seroius problem on your hands. First of all, you do not need to be around them if they are going to disrespect you like that! You do not have to take this type of treatment, it doesn't matter if they are your inlaws you deserve to be treated better! Secondly, you and your husband need to have a SERIOUS talk about this. You should be pissed off no matter if they say these things in private or with other people around. It is nasty, rude, and disrespectful! Please stand up for yourself and tell your husband that those comments are hurtful to you and will not tolerate it. There is no way in hell he should think that they are being funny. Also, before you bring kids into this situation...please believe that they WILL be treated the same way!

 

[firecracker]

the next time one of the a-holes make a statement or offer advice I'd say 'out of respect for my myself I won't tell you what I suggest you do or take for your ignorance, lack of home training & tact.'I would also say I don't joke or play like that.

 

[BAP28]

JOKING..WTFF


THATS TERRIBLE...

SORRY TO SAY BUT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN SPOKEN ABOUT PRIOR TO MARRIAGE " HOW DOES YOUR FAMILY FEEL ABOUT BLK PPL AND ETC ETC."

DEF SOMETHING THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN DISCUSSED AND FOR HIM TO BE LIKE THEIR JOKING..IS TERRIBLE. AND SAD..I SEE THAT HE WAS RAISED A CERTAIN WAY TO THINK THAT WHAT THEIR SAYING ARE JOKES..WHAT PLANET HAS HE BEEN ON THAT HE DOESNT KNOW THE HISTORY OF BLK/WHITE PPL..AND TO KNOW THOSE COMMENTS ARE NOT JOKES...

No, they are not black. They white. My husband believes that I not should take it so seriously because they "joking" . But sometimes when they make a really rude comment he will defend me. I dont care what they have to say about me, it just why in front of a group of people? But they also have black friends. And they have never said anything about their skin color in front of me?!

 

[SilkyandSmooth]

I'm sorry but those comments are very offensive. I find nothing funny about them. Stuff like that is why I don't think that I'd ever date white. I would have to put them in their place no matter who they are.

 

[Everything Zen]

It sounds like your husband is the problem. As your husband he is supposed to love and respect you. He doesn't sound like he understands how offensive his in-laws statements really are. Yeah that's a serious problem... erplexed

 

[growth2come]

That is just incredible, whether you were white and those words were coming from a black person it still would not be acceptable. Sometimes people can have friends of other races but when a family member marries someone from another races then you see the true colours! I think you should call them out on it. Racist remarks whether said in light conversation are not acceptable especially if you are on the receiving end. I think they are getting away with it as they are saying it in front of a group knowing you will not make a scene. I think you should take them to one side and have a good word.

I am black myself but for me to even say to someone else who is darker than me to start using some lightening cream is just plain rude!!! Dont take this nonsense from them otherwise it might start to put a strain on your marriage if it goes on without sorting. Goodluck.

 

[candiel]

It sounds like your husband is the problem. As your husband he is supposed to love and respect you. He doesn't sound like he understands how offensive his in-laws statements really are. Yeah that's a serious problem... erplexed

My thoughts exactly! DH should be taking more of a stand against his family's behavior.

 

[naijamerican]

Okay... this question might sound weird... but what race are you?

Are you half black, an of-color minority but not black, 1/4 black, black all the way but don't look like it?

The reason I am asking this... is because some of the comments your inlaws are making are seeming like they believe that with a few modifications, you would have the ability to "pass". IE, straight hair and a shade or two up and you could blend in.

Sometimes older white people say stupid stuff like this. It's a backhanded compliment, IE... you're almost like us so we are okay with you but you will never be us, but we are okay with things how they are... but can you straighten your hair, please?

They mean it sarcastically but not cruelly. If that makes sense.

Your husband is defending you. Good for him. Now he needs to take it one step further and tell his parents to fall the F back making those kinds of comments. He might genuinely feel his parents are trying to be funny.

To the OP - I think that Suerte is raising some excellent points. I hope that it's not an offensive question (asking about your racial/ethnic makeup) but this is something to consider indeed. I'm sorry about your ignorant in-laws. I don't have ignorant in-laws but I have ignorant students in my graduate school program that get on my last nerve. I made the mistake of laughing away, over a two-year period, the dumb and utterly ignorant things one of them in particular said to me and she said something last Thursday that has me angry a week later. I know that she will come at me with some nonsense and when she does, I will not hesitate to tell her about herself.

The take home message from my story is that if you do not nip the ignorance in the bud right now, it will get worse. And trust, if it's race today, it will be something else tomorrow. I have come to learn that people will only go so far as you let them. Take a stand not only to them, but also, for your husband to see that this is no laughing matter. If you don't take the necessary actions to stop this right now, it will ultimately impair your marriage.

 

[la929]

WOW...I would definetly let them know that they cannot talk to me like that and say those type of things about my hair and skin color. I would also be heated about the fact that hubby thinks they are just jokes. Does he 'joke' like that with you also? As long as you continue to allow them to make comments, they will. And my suspicion is that the comments will escalate. I would refuse to be around them. If these comments are truly hurting you, or pissing you off (I would be) then you need to nip it in the bud. But if it doesn't bother you enough to say anything then it will probably get worse.
I wish you luck with this, I can imagine it is an extremely uncomfortable position for you to be in. You seem to be a very tolerant person, I myself find it hard to hold my tongue with situations like this. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[UmSumayyah]

I agree with Mrs. Johnson.

This is not funny, it is not cute, and it is damn sure not acceptable. You need to let dh know in no uncertain terms that it is disrespectful and you will not be tolerating it any longer.

He needs to consider YOUR feelings and any CHILDREN you may have in the future. If his family is treating you badly it is up to him to speak to them about it.
How is he treated in his family, what is his general temperament with them? If he never stands up for himself then he will not stand up for you. He should not have to defend you because they shouldn't be saying ignorant things to you in the first damn place!
If they know that crossing the line means they are frozen out until they act right, then they will act right or you and dh won't have to deal with them. Either way, problem solved.

Though me, I would want to have both sides of my children's family love and treat them well. I can't imagine having to keep my kid's away from dh's family because they were cutting up.
Please consider what I've said.

 

[Suerte]

bump!

where in the Milkyway...is Milkyway?

 

[pisceschica]

I'm sorry but those comments are very offensive. I find nothing funny about them. Stuff like that is why I don't think that I'd ever date white. I would have to put them in their place no matter who they are.

I agree.

I don't understand how anyone in your position could every possibly see any of those comments about your ethnicity as simply joking. Its great that he stands up for you but at the same time I wonder if he understands the seriousness of the comments and some of the emotions they evoke.

I would just have a long hard talk with him. If it continued I would leave. I wouldn't want to marry into a family that didn't respect me.

 

[Laginappe]

Two questions.

What kinds of things did they say about you before you married your husband?

And how did your husband respond to the things they said before you married him?

 

[Kawaii1]

To the OP - I think that Suerte is raising some excellent points. I hope that it's not an offensive question (asking about your racial/ethnic makeup) but this is something to consider indeed. I'm sorry about your ignorant in-laws. I don't have ignorant in-laws but I have ignorant students in my graduate school program that get on my last nerve. I made the mistake of laughing away, over a two-year period, the dumb and utterly ignorant things one of them in particular said to me and she said something last Thursday that has me angry a week later. I know that she will come at me with some nonsense and when she does, I will not hesitate to tell her about herself.

The take home message from my story is that if you do not nip the ignorance in the bud right now, it will get worse. And trust, if it's race today, it will be something else tomorrow. I have come to learn that people will only go so far as you let them. Take a stand not only to them, but also, for your husband to see that this is no laughing matter. If you don't take the necessary actions to stop this right now, it will ultimately impair your marriage.

Stop that sh*t right now or your babies will be paying for it later, that's all I gotta say.

 

[Shardonay11]

No, they are not black. They white. My husband believes that I not should take it so seriously because they "joking" . But sometimes when they make a really rude comment he will defend me. I dont care what they have to say about me, it just why in front of a group of people? But they also have black friends. And they have never said anything about their skin color in front of me?!

I dont want to come across insensitive, but these are the prime reason why I disagree with interacial dating. I would probley pop his grandmother in the mouth, so maybe I'm not the best person for advice, but I can say you should talk to your SO I would not stand that sort of treatment, perhaps their doing it to you because they think they can. Stand up for yourself and say I will not tolerate those sort of comments, I happen to love my hair and my blackness, and watch as the hush comes over the crowd, they will most likely never say them again. Assert yourself!

 

[Blossssom]

No, they are not black. They white. My husband believes that I not should take it so seriously because they "joking" . But sometimes when they make a really rude comment he will defend me. I dont care what they have to say about me, it just why in front of a group of people? But they also have black friends. And they have never said anything about their skin color in front of me?!

I don't know why the other posters didn't know hubby was white with the comparison of skin.

Anyhoo, you are in for one long road trip and it's going to be bumpy if you and hubby continue being around his family. Wait till you have kids.

Hubby may have to choose one of you. Good luck. You got it bad, chile.

By the way, what were they like when you all were dating?

 

[Blossssom]

Two questions.

What kinds of things did they say about you before you married your husband?

And how did your husband respond to the things they said before you married him?

Ha! I knew I should have checked with you first. Ha!

Okay! If she married him and they were already behaving that way, what made her think it would stop?

And did someone allude that the husband laughs with them? Omigod