Pushy and Overbearing

[Dellas]

Hi LHCF friends,
I need your help. I keep losing friends(female and even males) who say I am pushy and overbearing. Could someone offer an assertive girl advice on how to correct this behavior? Even an example on how one can be overbearing. I don't know if that is another name for pushy or arrogant.

 

[rabs77]

Have your friends given you specific examples?

 

[Dellas]

Have your friends given you specific examples?

With the guy....that was his last quote and then came the click. It just left me wondering. Pride kept me from calling back. This was a guy I saw myself with for an extensive time but I must have made him soo mad that was all he could muster up.


With the female. She thought I was nice and a good person but there were times when i would be pushy and overbearing. She did not want to think of examples and did not want to be my therapist but felt she had to be honest. I thanked her for her honesty.

 

[soulfusion]

I have an acquaintence who I would describe the same way (as do most other people who know her). In her case, she is just always too extra in her interactions. She always knows it all, everything has to be done the way *she* thinks it should be done, she's loud and abrasive in her manner of communicating and in general talks bad to people. She is just waaaay too aggressive in how she deals with others.

Specific example, if we're in a meeting and someone is making a statement and she detects one minor point that is incorrect (in her eyes), she immediately interrupts and corrects them, instead of letting them finish and giving her POV at an appropriate time in the conversation. If they don't agree, she starts arguing with them about it. And she has nerve enough to be critical of other people, calling them unprofessional.

The bad thing about it is that she doesn't really see herself and I think it hurts her feelings sometimes when people don't want to be around her. If you can stand her long enough to actually get to know her, you'll find that she has a good heart. But all that strong talking, being loud, and acting boisterous keeps a lot of people from finding that out.

Not saying that the behavior I've described is how your friends see you, but it's my description of a person I know who I consider to be overbearing. Hope you can talk to them more and get additional information about where they're coming from. Is there somebody else who knows you that you feel comfortable asking? A sister? Another friend? That might be helpful.

 

[lana]

Have you considered not giving people your opinion? Just listen to them when they want to talk or vent and empathize. I have learned that nobody likes a Know-It-All and based on your life circumstances maybe you have had to be assertive and a take control type of person in the past. But it's time to loosen up now, don't control other people, that would make them a robot instead of a person. erplexed

You can say:

"I understand" - if you understand or "I see" if you don't see but want to be comforting.

"I see how you might feel that way" - Even if you can't see how they might feel that way (lol)

"I've been there" - when you really have been there

"This too shall pass" - when they are going through a trial and you have no answer and they have no answer and NO ONE has an answer

"Oh, really" - when you think they have it all wrong and have lost their minds. This is one that I use often with friends that are just not at my level of maturity, but they are nice people and I want to still be friends or grab a drink with them.

Also, I work on relying on God instead of myself as I was so often used to doing growing up. When I rely on HIM, I like who I am inside.

P.S. Make sure you're not just hanging around stupid, immature people, who just don't "get" you. If you are sure you are bossy or overbearing, now is the time to change it and just asking about it shows your humility. People should really be more forgiving.

 

[lana]

I just thought of this...I was so bad at one point in my life (due to traumatic circumstances growing up, I became very controlling) that I used to give unsolicited advice to strangers, friends AND family. (lol) I didn't even realize it until I was giving driving directions to a friend in a city where I didn't know where I was going - she lived there, not me!

I was young! I've grown. So will you.

So now I've gotten to the point that with friends I'm relaxed and when asked for suggestions I'm still careful not to be the one suggesting this or that. I keep it laid back. Nobody likes someone that is always in charge of everything, people, especially men, like to feel needed and like they are making a positive contribution.

 

[JustKiya]

I've been known to be pushy and overbearing.

I prefer to consider myself stubborn and opinionated.

What I have done, to 'reign' myself in some? I just don't say nothing - I've learned to weigh my battles.

Someone prounouces something dreadful wrong? I'll reply to them, and just say it right - without pointing out they were wrong.

Or, I'm good to play dumb.

SillyPerson: "So yeah, he told me he had blahskippy"
DumbMe: "Oh, word? I've never heard of blahskippy"
SP: "Yeah, it's 'stupid answer'.
DM: "Ohhh. See, I've always heard that called dumbisht" And move on.

I've gotten to the point where the only time I correct people is if we are having a true 'discussion' and the correction helps smooth communication, or if we are cool enough for them to accept my additional information.

And I sideeye folks who accuse me of certain behaviors, and then can't come up with an example. I'm good to say - well, point it out to me next time, then - and continuing to behave as I am.

 

[Theo]

It never hurts to talk less and listen more. And maybe just try seeing things from someone else's perspective for a minute.

I am a very opinionated person, and for a minute, I always thought I was right. Really. But sometimes, when I find myself disagreeing with someone, I try to take a moment and really try to understand why they might feel the way they do. What experiences in their life could have shaped their current view point? Are there any hurt feelings that could be hiding underneath the surface that I just failed to notice?

It helped, because I noticed I became a better friend after that. And I'm sure I was easier to talk to.... now that I think about it, I don't know why people dealt with me so long.

 

[sidney]

I had a friend like this that always made me feel that I "Had" to do something. And it really conflicted with who I am. I've never had an issue with feeling coerced with other people, but I always felt 'pressured' to do things with this girl. The friendship didn't work out.

The non-pushy friend: "Hey, I would be great if you can make it to X place on Sunday. Let me know if you can attend, it won't be fun if you can't come."

The pushy friend: "You have to come to X place on Sunday. I need you to be there! I'll be there to pick you up at eight"