CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
^^^new profiles get a lot of action. it will taper off and stabilize in a few weeks.
People who don't want to do online dating - why?
- Thread starter Harina
- Start date
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
hmmmm. judging by this thread, there is definitely a sense that the "trick" to online dating is you have to be good at it. at this point i prefer dating online than meeting men in real life. it's just about getting to the point where i dont take a man seriously when i meet him irl. he didnt read my profile! he hasnt judged me by the information i presented! he thinks he is just gonna walk up and talk to me? based on what? 
and then it's so much easier to get to the date stage online. like that idiot trainer at the gym who kept bugging me every goddamn day but could never figure out to ask me on an actual date until i had to start ignoring and snapping at him to leave me alone.
it also seems as if online dating is still a stigma in a lot of places. where i live, literally everybody in my age group dates online. i literally do not even give it a second thought. at this point im more surprised when people tell me they met irl instead of online.
and then it's so much easier to get to the date stage online. like that idiot trainer at the gym who kept bugging me every goddamn day but could never figure out to ask me on an actual date until i had to start ignoring and snapping at him to leave me alone.it also seems as if online dating is still a stigma in a lot of places. where i live, literally everybody in my age group dates online. i literally do not even give it a second thought. at this point im more surprised when people tell me they met irl instead of online.
This article was in clutch yesterday. Somewhat relevant.
Dating Don’ts: Love In The Age Of Instagram
http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2014/04/dating-donts-love-age-instagram/
I have an inveterate aversion to the unexpected. I hate surprise parties. I conduct extensive consumer research before I purchase anything, from new shoes to vacuum cleaners. The idea of plunging blind into a situation fills me with a mounting dread, a gnawing in the pit of my stomach knowing that I have no say in the outcome. This charming quirk has led me on a lifelong journey to impart control over a variety of situations that are inherently uncontrollable — the job search, the actions of others, and most importantly, dating. Any way you slice it, dating is ****ing terrifying for me, because the unexpected is the norm. The carefully edited OKCupid or How About We profile and the brief dossier provided by a well-meaning friend only reveals so much. How can you know more before you’ve even met? This week, in an article in The New York Post, I read about Glimpse, a new dating app that offers the alluring prospect of stripping some of the mystery away. By allowing users to view the Instagram profiles of potential matches, Glimpse removes a layer from the murky soup of contemporary dating, offering users a deeper glimpse into the interests of other singles. If you like what you see, “smile” at the person through the app, and if it’s a match, you’re well on your way to love.
In theory, this is fantastic. Knowledge is power, and we live in an age where Googling your date beforehand is almost second nature. It is deeply satisfying to figure out as much as possible about a person before you meet them. A near-stranger’s Instagram feed is compelling, offering a deeper view into a life that isn’t yours, showing you clues along the way of how your life could intertwine with theirs. Plunging the depths of someone’s Twitter timeline lets you see the kind of things they’re willing to share in a public forum, and lets you draw conclusions based on these revelations. It’s interesting to see if their projected interests line up with yours. Maybe you both tweeted the same gif of a kitten sneezing, on the same day. Maybe you were both at the same concert a few weeks back, standing in the same section, judging from the angle and timestamp of the picture he posted from the crowd. Maybe this “research” lets you feel like you know the person without even meeting them, and maybe thats a bad thing. Some things in life are best left shrouded in a little bit of mystery, so hear me out — dating via Instagram might not be the best way to go.
Instagram exists as a method of documenting your best life, the way you want to remember it, not as it actuallywas. Those sun-drenched beach pics and casual selfies that pepper your feed are the face you put forward — the idealized, style blogger-y snippets of life you want preserved in hazy amber. The output of Instagram is a carefully curated representation of yourself, a facade that is true enough to you, but is nowhere near the full story. Learning about someone through these outlets is great for job interviews but not so much for dating. For all the hacks that have come about to make the dating process less torturous and more streamlined, nothing beats doing things the old-fashioned way. Looking for someone to spend some time with feels less meaningful when you go about it like you were ordering groceries or buying contact lens solution in bulk from Amazon. Dating doesn’t have to be something you do in front of a screen, and your first meeting with someone is one of the only times when a surprise is okay. Learning about another person is so much more effective when you enter the situation with a clean slate.
The great danger with the pre-date Instagram lurk is the fear of showing your hand. I’m all for having as much information as possible, but telling someone you just met how much you loved their pictures from Tulum three months ago only makes a slightly uncomfortable situation that much more awkward. Research of that nature is best left to job interviews and work presentations, not a casual Wednesday over middling tapas and sangria. Use this time to practice the dying art of meaningful human interaction. Let your date tell you about their magical Tulum trip. Discover through sparkling conversation and one more glass of wine that you were both at the same show two weeks ago. Talk about things like books, family, the Meacham Threesome from “House Of Cards” that you can’t stop thinking about, even though you watched it two months ago. The joy of getting to know someone in real life is discovering the things you do have in common together. That’s the best part of any date.
Besides, pre-date Instagram research sucks the air out of the post-date Instagram lurk, which is the best part of a good date. Rushing home after a great night and scrolling through someone else’s feed pairs nicely with the heady rush of infatuation, harkening back to the middle-school giddiness of learning everything you could about your crush. It provides you with endless Gchat fodder and analysis opportunities, and stokes the flame of something that could be great and most of all, real. Learning all these things beforehand ruins the rush. In dating, sometimes it’s best to loosen the reins and let fate take the wheel.
Dating Don’ts: Love In The Age Of Instagram
http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2014/04/dating-donts-love-age-instagram/
I have an inveterate aversion to the unexpected. I hate surprise parties. I conduct extensive consumer research before I purchase anything, from new shoes to vacuum cleaners. The idea of plunging blind into a situation fills me with a mounting dread, a gnawing in the pit of my stomach knowing that I have no say in the outcome. This charming quirk has led me on a lifelong journey to impart control over a variety of situations that are inherently uncontrollable — the job search, the actions of others, and most importantly, dating. Any way you slice it, dating is ****ing terrifying for me, because the unexpected is the norm. The carefully edited OKCupid or How About We profile and the brief dossier provided by a well-meaning friend only reveals so much. How can you know more before you’ve even met? This week, in an article in The New York Post, I read about Glimpse, a new dating app that offers the alluring prospect of stripping some of the mystery away. By allowing users to view the Instagram profiles of potential matches, Glimpse removes a layer from the murky soup of contemporary dating, offering users a deeper glimpse into the interests of other singles. If you like what you see, “smile” at the person through the app, and if it’s a match, you’re well on your way to love.
In theory, this is fantastic. Knowledge is power, and we live in an age where Googling your date beforehand is almost second nature. It is deeply satisfying to figure out as much as possible about a person before you meet them. A near-stranger’s Instagram feed is compelling, offering a deeper view into a life that isn’t yours, showing you clues along the way of how your life could intertwine with theirs. Plunging the depths of someone’s Twitter timeline lets you see the kind of things they’re willing to share in a public forum, and lets you draw conclusions based on these revelations. It’s interesting to see if their projected interests line up with yours. Maybe you both tweeted the same gif of a kitten sneezing, on the same day. Maybe you were both at the same concert a few weeks back, standing in the same section, judging from the angle and timestamp of the picture he posted from the crowd. Maybe this “research” lets you feel like you know the person without even meeting them, and maybe thats a bad thing. Some things in life are best left shrouded in a little bit of mystery, so hear me out — dating via Instagram might not be the best way to go.
Instagram exists as a method of documenting your best life, the way you want to remember it, not as it actuallywas. Those sun-drenched beach pics and casual selfies that pepper your feed are the face you put forward — the idealized, style blogger-y snippets of life you want preserved in hazy amber. The output of Instagram is a carefully curated representation of yourself, a facade that is true enough to you, but is nowhere near the full story. Learning about someone through these outlets is great for job interviews but not so much for dating. For all the hacks that have come about to make the dating process less torturous and more streamlined, nothing beats doing things the old-fashioned way. Looking for someone to spend some time with feels less meaningful when you go about it like you were ordering groceries or buying contact lens solution in bulk from Amazon. Dating doesn’t have to be something you do in front of a screen, and your first meeting with someone is one of the only times when a surprise is okay. Learning about another person is so much more effective when you enter the situation with a clean slate.
The great danger with the pre-date Instagram lurk is the fear of showing your hand. I’m all for having as much information as possible, but telling someone you just met how much you loved their pictures from Tulum three months ago only makes a slightly uncomfortable situation that much more awkward. Research of that nature is best left to job interviews and work presentations, not a casual Wednesday over middling tapas and sangria. Use this time to practice the dying art of meaningful human interaction. Let your date tell you about their magical Tulum trip. Discover through sparkling conversation and one more glass of wine that you were both at the same show two weeks ago. Talk about things like books, family, the Meacham Threesome from “House Of Cards” that you can’t stop thinking about, even though you watched it two months ago. The joy of getting to know someone in real life is discovering the things you do have in common together. That’s the best part of any date.
Besides, pre-date Instagram research sucks the air out of the post-date Instagram lurk, which is the best part of a good date. Rushing home after a great night and scrolling through someone else’s feed pairs nicely with the heady rush of infatuation, harkening back to the middle-school giddiness of learning everything you could about your crush. It provides you with endless Gchat fodder and analysis opportunities, and stokes the flame of something that could be great and most of all, real. Learning all these things beforehand ruins the rush. In dating, sometimes it’s best to loosen the reins and let fate take the wheel.
There's so many factors that make me turn away from online dating. I don't think I am fully open to the idea of meeting someone online. But I also think it is because I am not ready to date, I am not 100% comfortable in my skin at this point (but I am getting close). I am also very picky, I have made an account or two on OKCupid and POF and I can only recall a couple guys actually being attractive to me, but I never made the accounts with the intentions to date.
Another fear of mine is that I don't look like my pictures. IDK how to get past that. Maybe post less flattering pictures?
Another issue I have is coming across people I know IRL online...I don't want them reading my profile and whatnot.
Other than that, I have no issue with it, but since I have not seriously dated in a LONNNGG time, I think I want to try meeting guys irl first and then maybe gravitate towards online dating before cuffing season starts...
Another fear of mine is that I don't look like my pictures. IDK how to get past that. Maybe post less flattering pictures?
Another issue I have is coming across people I know IRL online...I don't want them reading my profile and whatnot.
Other than that, I have no issue with it, but since I have not seriously dated in a LONNNGG time, I think I want to try meeting guys irl first and then maybe gravitate towards online dating before cuffing season starts...
chronicity
Well-Known Member
If I didn't date online, it is unlikely I would date anyone because I'm a homebody who rarely bumps into men as I'm going about my daily routine. The main benefit is that it greatly increases your exposure to prospects. The tradeoff is that there will be a lot of duds among these prospects, so you have to do some weeding out.
tinkat
Well-Known Member
This is true to me. I think it's also important not to be so serious when doing online dating. Laugh at the outlandish messages and keep moving. My SO came when I wasn't looking so seriously, I meant to deactivate it bc I wasn't using it. I don't think everyone is meant to meet their SO online but when it's a good match it's a great one. Where I was living at the time I could easily hook up with anyone but my standard would not let me just do that. I took a risk with someone 12 hours away bc it was that good of match. My SO had the same sentiment. He wanted a relationship that would lead to something more but no one locally did it for him. So he started messaging women that matched his interest across the US. I think it depends on the person, what you are willing to do, and circumstances.
Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
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GlamGyrl81
Well-Known Member
I agree with ^^^
I met my DH online and it was such a surprise because prior to him I've never been an advocate of online dating. I was single, celibate and having fun casually dating and being treated like a princess by the guys that I met IRL. All that to say I definitely didn't take the whole online dating thing super seriously-in fact I only did it due to a dare set up by my girlfriends ( I wasn't intending to meet anyone from the site, we were just curious after reading an article about online dating). I logged on the day we set it up and the day (30 days later) I took it down. My friend and I sifted through all of the emails and SHE (despite my protests) emailed a really cute guy on my behalf, in the email I gave him my college email address and took my profile down immediately after. That move was one of the best decisions of my life because I met a Man who encompassed everything I've ever wanted in a man and so much more. 6 years later I still feel like I'm on cloud nine
.
To echo what others have mentioned its about taking your time to make sure that the person is not all smoke and mirrors (the same thing you would do with someone you met IRL). That's the key point bc anyone can tell you anything- it's your due diligence to make sure that you are taking your time to get to know someone as best as you can. Most people will show their true colors at some point albeit good or bad. Lastly I don't think it's a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. Online dating is simply another resource to meet people-it shouldn't be the only method.
I met my DH online and it was such a surprise because prior to him I've never been an advocate of online dating. I was single, celibate and having fun casually dating and being treated like a princess by the guys that I met IRL. All that to say I definitely didn't take the whole online dating thing super seriously-in fact I only did it due to a dare set up by my girlfriends ( I wasn't intending to meet anyone from the site, we were just curious after reading an article about online dating). I logged on the day we set it up and the day (30 days later) I took it down. My friend and I sifted through all of the emails and SHE (despite my protests) emailed a really cute guy on my behalf, in the email I gave him my college email address and took my profile down immediately after. That move was one of the best decisions of my life because I met a Man who encompassed everything I've ever wanted in a man and so much more. 6 years later I still feel like I'm on cloud nine
. To echo what others have mentioned its about taking your time to make sure that the person is not all smoke and mirrors (the same thing you would do with someone you met IRL). That's the key point bc anyone can tell you anything- it's your due diligence to make sure that you are taking your time to get to know someone as best as you can. Most people will show their true colors at some point albeit good or bad. Lastly I don't think it's a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. Online dating is simply another resource to meet people-it shouldn't be the only method.
Curly Lee
Well-Known Member
what's wrong with tinder?
I'm late so i just downloaded it yesterdaynevermind, i see you answered already.
what's wrong with tinder?
I think Tinder is more of a hook up app than it is a dating app???
RoundEyedGirl504
Well-Known Member
I have a friend who is dating 2 guys from Tinder. So far so good for her.
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
can someone explain why people are so ashamed to say they met someone online?
metro_qt
Well-Known Member
Because, bunnycolvin
In the late 80s and through the 90s it was mostly major hackers (and lots of real nerds) that were online...so people were meeting on chat groups and newsgroups.
To date someone online back then meant you had no real social life and you were probably a big ol geek. (Which wasn't necessarily true...)
Back then, no one EVER admitted they met online. EVER.
you had to create the perfect story...
So online dating is becoming more normalized ...but there is a stigma, and it dates back to those times
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
yeah but we're obviously a million miles from "back then" now...? the general attitude has done a complete 180, i guess you mean that some people still havent come around yet, I guess my question is more why people are resisting coming around to this change.
Briabiggles
Well-Known Member
I don't understand it either. I resisted going online for awhile and was basically tricked into it by a girlfriend. Of course there were duds online but no more than what I met in person. The difference was that I didn't have to go on a few dates with them to figure that out. It was easy to weed them out online. I never went out with a guy from online and thought...oh heck no! They were all descent, respectful guys that I could have been compatible with. SO and I would never have met if it wasn't for online. We didn't have any mutual friends to introduce us. I'm grateful to my gf for tricking me into doing it and proudly tell everyone that asks how we met.
Sent from my iPad mini mini.
I don't know, I think it would've been easier back in the day. Back then, only a select few who were more likely to be well off, educated etc. Now anyone and everyone has internet access. The internet just wasn't the cesspool that it is now ... which I think plays a part in attracting creeps.
Other than that, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go out with someone who I'm not connected with somehow. We have to have mutual friends, worked with the same people, etc. Just some sort of anchor.
Other than that, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go out with someone who I'm not connected with somehow. We have to have mutual friends, worked with the same people, etc. Just some sort of anchor.
chronicity
Well-Known Member
I don't get the shame about meeting someone online either. It's not like you're actually dating online. It's just a tool for connecting with someone new. Once you meet them in person, the same process that applies in IRL applies to them.
Perhaps the stigma comes from the assumption that our lives are supposed to be full of family, friends, acquaintances, and social occasions that have you meeting new people on a continuous basis. If you show any signs of this not being your life, then it's like you're a loser. I've always been aware of this pressure as an introvert, but I have never let it make me insecure.
Perhaps the stigma comes from the assumption that our lives are supposed to be full of family, friends, acquaintances, and social occasions that have you meeting new people on a continuous basis. If you show any signs of this not being your life, then it's like you're a loser. I've always been aware of this pressure as an introvert, but I have never let it make me insecure.
I think the issue with saying you met online is that some people may assume it means you couldn't or are incapable of meeting someone irl. Which usually is not true. I also think people connect online dating with socially awkward people who can't meet anyone irl, or it is for people who are desperate, but this is slowly changing and I also think this is the image online dating sites are trying to eradicate (i.e. those match commercials).
I'm sure using terms like 'in real life' also add to the stigma, since it implies doing things online aren't a part of 'real life.'
I also remember people saying stuff like 'what's wrong with you that you have to go online to find a date?' when referring to people who participate in online dating...but again this is slowly changing.
I'm sure using terms like 'in real life' also add to the stigma, since it implies doing things online aren't a part of 'real life.'
I also remember people saying stuff like 'what's wrong with you that you have to go online to find a date?' when referring to people who participate in online dating...but again this is slowly changing.
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naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
My BFF refuses to try online dating. She just doesn't want to put herself out there in such a way.
A good friend met her husband online some years ago. She was very specific and by date 3 she told all the guys she agreed to meet that she wanted to be married soon and to start having kids right away. She found one that was fine with that plan and they got married less than a year after meeting online. They are still married and have 3 kids.
I used a few online sites before I met DH. Everyone ended up being who they claimed for the most part, except the guy with no photo who was short and chubby. I met Kwame (Rock the Polka dots) online a while back. I totally didn't believe him and had him come by my office building and had a male colleague go with me. It really was him. We only had the one dinner date though. He was short and thin, basically my size and said he was working on new material in the studio. I didn't try to keep in touch.
I think online dating can work but I do think paid sites are better than the free ones since signing up with a credit card can weed out people.
A good friend met her husband online some years ago. She was very specific and by date 3 she told all the guys she agreed to meet that she wanted to be married soon and to start having kids right away. She found one that was fine with that plan and they got married less than a year after meeting online. They are still married and have 3 kids.
I used a few online sites before I met DH. Everyone ended up being who they claimed for the most part, except the guy with no photo who was short and chubby. I met Kwame (Rock the Polka dots) online a while back. I totally didn't believe him and had him come by my office building and had a male colleague go with me. It really was him. We only had the one dinner date though. He was short and thin, basically my size and said he was working on new material in the studio. I didn't try to keep in touch.
I think online dating can work but I do think paid sites are better than the free ones since signing up with a credit card can weed out people.
londontresses
Well-Known Member
For some its just not a romantic story to tell. Most of us have that vision of serendipitously bumping into our mate in some random place. Films. 'We met online' can be interpreted as 'we were desperately looking'. I personally have no problem with it. I've been waiting for it to happen when I least expect it and it ain't. If I got old and never got married/had kids I'd regret not being a bit more proactive about my love life.
FeelinIt
New Member
This may be true for older people say 30+. The stigma is still around for our generations.
I don't think the 20 somethings and younger have a problem saying that...but I could be wrong.
I don't care about meeting someone online. I've done it many times before and a good things can come from it. But I don't want nosy coworkers or anyone else I know finding me online and reading my dating profile. So embarrassing lol. So I deleted all traces and told myself to find someone offline. I'm only 22 so I'm not rushing it.
MsSanz92
Well-Known Member
As someone who has dated online quite a bit (actually the majority of the men I've dated I've met online), I can see why there is still a stigma. I always get messages saying things like "why are you on this site you're so attractive to be online dating", which add to the stigma that only unattractive, desperate, socially awkward people should date online. Now granted, I am a bit socially awkward and an introvert, which does make online dating a lot easier for me to meet men that I'm interested in. Also, very rarely do men who I am physically attracted to express interest in me IRL, but they often do online (but I think that's just people in general, not just exclusive to me). Interesting enough, I usually end up dating and talking to the men I meet online for much longer than the ones I meet in person because those first initial interactions on a dating site along with their profile give you more information to gauge compatibility from the beginning. When you meet someone IRL it's a bit more difficult to do that and is more time consuming.
For me in particular, dating online has allowed me to not be what I call "involuntarily celibate/ a virgin". For all of my high school and college careers, I've been in predominately White environments, which we all know can be hellish when it comes to dating prospects for Black women. As a result, I have been able to meet more men online attracted and interested in me than had I not chose to date online and just wait around for whoever I would come in contact with in person. I have many friends who fall into the involuntarily celibate category because of their reality of being in non-Black woman friendly dating environments, which I think could be alleviated in some ways if they tried to date online. Now I know online dating is not for everyone, and there are some people out here who never have trouble meeting people to date in person, but I do think that there should be no taboo in 2014 about online dating. I'll admit, that I am still hesitant about telling people sometimes that I met someone that I was seeing online, but as I've gotten older and more of my friends are dating online as well, I've started to care much less. Granted, since I am graduating soon from college and going back to NYC, I do hope to be able to meet more men in person first.
For me in particular, dating online has allowed me to not be what I call "involuntarily celibate/ a virgin". For all of my high school and college careers, I've been in predominately White environments, which we all know can be hellish when it comes to dating prospects for Black women. As a result, I have been able to meet more men online attracted and interested in me than had I not chose to date online and just wait around for whoever I would come in contact with in person. I have many friends who fall into the involuntarily celibate category because of their reality of being in non-Black woman friendly dating environments, which I think could be alleviated in some ways if they tried to date online. Now I know online dating is not for everyone, and there are some people out here who never have trouble meeting people to date in person, but I do think that there should be no taboo in 2014 about online dating. I'll admit, that I am still hesitant about telling people sometimes that I met someone that I was seeing online, but as I've gotten older and more of my friends are dating online as well, I've started to care much less. Granted, since I am graduating soon from college and going back to NYC, I do hope to be able to meet more men in person first.
Covergirl5906
Well-Known Member
Right...in 2014 who is still sleeping with people unprotected that they aren't even married to? Hell some married ppl need to be concerned....smh
Lol. Alot of people.
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