Other Women Look Better?

[mensa]

I have a neighbor who confides in me a lot...and I mean a lot. She knows that I don't gossip and that I try to give her the best advice that I can. She's younger than I am and has no female friends.

Recently, while talking about trivial things, she broke down crying and told me that during an argument, her husband called her ugly and said that other women's bodies look better than hers!
I was stunned and did not know what to say. I.was.speechless!!! She did gain s massive amount of weight after her last baby but no one deserves to be put down like this.

I told her that she needed to seek counseling and that she was beautiful no matter what anyone said.

But now, I'm so angry for her that I've been avoiding her and her husband. I feel so awkward now. However, I do still engage with their kids.

Any advice?

(I posed this question on another site. Because they didn't believe me,
they complained and said that I made this story up...which got me banned).

 

[sarumoki]

Was that other site Reddit? That sounds like a very Reddit thing to have happen.

Anyway, I think you told her the right thing. Act as normally as you can around the husband because there's no point to getting yourself angry on her behalf and she doesn't need for him to know that you know their personal business.

 

[Browndilocks]

The choice is hers. I wouldn't work myself up about it.

 

[mensa]

Thanks for the advice cause I don't want to hear anymore of their marriage problems.

A little spat here or there is okay, but those issues are too deep for me to give advice.

 

[LdyKamz]

You said the right things but I would start to avoid them as well because it is awkward. I mean how do you interact with them after that? I would hate her husband for her! I feel bad for her because you want to tell someone those things when something like that happens. You end up wanting a little validation. I once had a boyfriend tell me I was "not so pretty" and I should do this or that because he loved xyz and other women have it and I don't. I never told anyone because I felt more ashamed and embarrassed but nothing surprises me anymore when I hear stories like this. Sad.

Anyway, if you want to keep talking to her I would definitely try to steer convos away from her husband/marriage.

 

[GraceJones]

You said the right things but I would start to avoid them as well because it is awkward. I mean how do you interact with them after that? I would hate her husband for her! I feel bad for her because you want to tell someone those things when something like that happens. You end up wanting a little validation. I once had a boyfriend tell me I was "not so pretty" and I should do this or that because he loved xyz and other women have it and I don't. I never told anyone because I felt more ashamed and embarrassed but nothing surprises me anymore when I hear stories like this. Sad.

Anyway, if you want to keep talking to her I would definitely try to steer convos away from her husband/marriage.

I hope you left him

 

[LdyKamz]

@GraceJones Girl he been gone! This was years ago but I tell ya things like that do a number on your self esteem. I can't imagine being married to a man who would say such a thing to me.

 

[mrselle]

Someone I know once told me that he wouldn't describe his wife as a "hottie", but she has great legs. At the time I didn't think much of it, but now that I'm married I see the problem with such a comment. I would be hurt if my husband didn't see me as a hottie, sexy, beautiful and anything else of the like.

I can feel your friend's hurt. Any woman would be hurt. She should use it as an opportunity to get herself together. Work out, eat healthy, find ways to look put together in the meantime. She needs to build up her confidence, so he can't tear her down.

 

[mensa]

I mentioned that she try the keto diet for weight loss but she said that her husband wants her to eat the same meals that he and the kids eat.

My DH says for me to stay out if it cause no matter how bad he treats her, she'd side with him any day over what I had to say.

 

[KimPossibli]

throw the whole man away

 

[KimPossibli]

oh.. right

I tell my gfs... up front...
at a certain point I'm going to tell you break up with him if I thin he is trash...
but i'm still willing to listen and try to give worth while advice...
give her a gift card for therapy or something
so she figures out how to be confident to throw him away

 

[Theresamonet]

I mentioned that she try the keto diet for weight loss but she said that her husband wants her to eat the same meals that he and the kids eat.

My DH says for me to stay out if it cause no matter how bad he treats her, she'd side with him any day over what I had to say.

Your DH is right, you should stay out of this. She hasn’t asked you for help. She’s just blowing off steam.

 

[moneychaser]

I mentioned that she try the keto diet for weight loss but she said that her husband wants her to eat the same meals that he and the kids eat.

My DH says for me to stay out if it cause no matter how bad he treats her, she'd side with him any day over what I had to say.

LOL who is he to dictate what she eats

I agree with your DH

 

[brownb83]

It’s a lot to unpack here. He should be helping his wife not tearing her down. He can’t control what she eats and then wants her to loose weight.

It sounds like he is controlling in a negative way and he will still mistreat her verbally if she looses the weight.

But if they do move past this she will never forget it. Ever.

Men need sensitivity training after babies.

 

[mrselle]

I mentioned that she try the keto diet for weight loss but she said that her husband wants her to eat the same meals that he and the kids eat.

My DH says for me to stay out if it cause no matter how bad he treats her, she'd side with him any day over what I had to say.

Then the whole family can do the keto diet. She can modify it for the kids. If she is doing the grocery shopping and cooking the meals, then she can decide what the family eats. Women, whether we realize it or not, have far more power than we realize. We choose not to tap in to it out of fear. We don't want to rock the boat or hurt anyone's feelings.

That said, your husband is right. Stay out of it.

 

[Farida]

What an awful man. Maybe.

Yes, it is human for something to happen to your partner that affects how VISUALLY attracted you are. But a person who is decent and loves you won’t call you ugly.

But then again you are only hearing her side of the story. You never know what he actually said. Sometimes people embelish, repackage or misunderstand what a loved one said. Especially if it is a sensitive topic.

Miscommunication and misunderstanding are huge reasons for marital issues.

But you don’t want to play counselor and invite more discussions so stay out of it. There may be a very good reason why she has no female friends...and you may be starting to find out why.

And unless I am close to someone or worried about their safety I don’t give marriage advice to them. They get over it and you are left there hating husbands because you were not part of the makeup session or they get mad at you for something you said and blame you for what goes wrong.

 

[mensa]

What an awful man. Maybe.

Yes, it is human for something to happen to your partner that affects how VISUALLY attracted you are. But a person who is decent and loves you won’t call you ugly.

But then again you are only hearing her side of the story. You never know what he actually said. Sometimes people embelish, repackage or misunderstand what a loved one said. Especially if it is a sensitive topic.

Miscommunication and misunderstanding are huge reasons for marital issues.

But you don’t want to play counselor and invite more discussions so stay out of it. There may be a very good reason why she has no female friends...and you may be starting to find out why.

And unless I am close to someone or worried about their safety I don’t give marriage advice to them. They get over it and you are left there hating husbands because you were not part of the makeup session or they get mad at you for something you said and blame you for what goes wrong.

 

[Dee-Licious]

@mensa what site bans someone so quick and for something like an accused made-up story?

 

[Dee-Licious]

Stay out if it unless you’re offering to go exercising with her for her health only nothing in regards to his thoughts.

 

[mensa]

@mensa what site bans someone so quick and for something like an accused made-up story?

yahoo.

 

[LdyKamz]

yahoo.

Sorry for laughing but Yahoo Answers?? They're ridiculous. I didn't even know you could get banned on Yahoo answers. That used to be my hangout back in the day before I found other message boards.

 

[mensa]

Sorry for laughing but Yahoo Answers?? They're ridiculous. I didn't even know you could get banned on Yahoo answers. That used to be my hangout back in the day before I found other message boards.

I know...some of the white folks complained, lol!It's kinda funny now but, it wasn't funny when it happened.

 

[Farida]

I know...some of the white folks complained, lol!It's kinda funny now but, it wasn't funny when it happened.

The ridiculous stuff I havs seen on yahoo I cannot believe they banned you.

 

[Petal26]

What a tool.

I know other women look better, same way other men have a lot more money than you, are bigger than you, etc.

I hope she leaves this jerk. If she loses the weight he will find another reason to berate her. Abusive men are like that. My old neighbor back home was a knockout, I'm talking about a Keri Hilson lookalike, and her husband would call her fat and ugly then proceed to obscenely hit on me (when I was like 30 lbs heavier than her). My dad's older brother is abusive too, and his wife is beautiful, even as an older woman she has a better body than all of us, yet all he does is criticize her and humiliate her in public to show that he's in charge. They're trash.

Stay out if it unless you’re offering to go exercising with her for her health only nothing in regards to his thoughts.

This is great advice

 

[okange76]

I have no advice but I've had someone say something like to me once. Majority of the women in my culture have a natural onion but I got more hips and less onion. Even Lupita, though tiny in stature, has a little something to show.

This man told me to my face that my behind was not big enough and that I should add more to it. I happen to be in a bathing suit. Weeks after I had left him, the woman he was cheating on me with, came up to me at church. She knew about me and was upset that he had played her too. She felt comfortable enough to tell me about how he told her about my ugly body.

It's been 6 yrs and that comment is burned into my brain. It really hurts.

 

[PeaceFlow]

@okange76 I'm sorry that happened to you :/ Don't give him more significance than he deserves though.

A few years ago I met up with a sister (we met in adulthood) and her ex bf appeared.

He dissed me from my weave, pointed out my nose and made jokes about my legs. I was irked because I didn't know this dude at all. When my sister left the room I confronted him and he said "I don't mean those things seriously. I think you're stunning, but don't tell your sister because it will upset her".

I'm glad he dissed me though because I realised at the time that I didn't feel too hurt about his opinions about what he perceived as my weak points (progress because I used to be very affected by bullies). I know I'm not perfect from head to toe and that's OK. If you don't like me, keep on jogging . I was MUCH more bothered about his lack of manners and thinking he could try to bring me down like that. Its the oldest trick in manipulative mens book to try and bring your confidence down a peg, or two and I seriously have zero patience for it.

Generally guys aren't going to try to have an ongoing relationship with a woman who they find physically ugly. Also I have noticed that men often try to say something negative about exes in order to make their current woman not feel insecure. This is very common.

I recall another time a friends SO was really trying to get into my bffs sheets (tall and model like). When she confronted him about it he said "Eww no I don't like that girl, her body is too skinny". I really cant take guys seriously sometimes Its nearly always the guys with not much to offer who say the nastiest put downs towards attractive women.

 

[intellectualuva]

This is sad. I wouldn't get involved though. I'd listen to her marital problems as long as even that wasn't too inconvenient.

I know Im a terrible person because my first thought was..."a black man would love her as is."

 

[Petal26]

I have no advice but I've had someone say something like to me once. Majority of the women in my culture have a natural onion but I got more hips and less onion. Even Lupita, though tiny in stature, has a little something to show.

This man told me to my face that my behind was not big enough and that I should add more to it. I happen to be in a bathing suit. Weeks after I had left him, the woman he was cheating on me with, came up to me at church. She knew about me and was upset that he had played her too. She felt comfortable enough to tell me about how he told her about my ugly body.

It's been 6 yrs and that comment is burned into my brain. It really hurts.

I'm sorry I hope you know now that he was lying to you. He would've never approached you or had a relationship with you if he didn't find you attractive. He was trying to put you in "your place" to build himself up and heal his bruised ego after you left him (for good reason). That woman is a shady, disrespectful and rude jump off. Should've kept her mouth shut.

 

[Ganjababy]

He is a female dog. Those are devious. But she married him. I am very sure his female dog nature was evident before the nuptials but she ignored them.

I would mind my business. It’s emotional abuse.

 

[Fine 4s]

A man told a woman that her pussy was beat during a break up. Poor girl ran to the doctor to ask her GYN their opinion on his comment. Some men really do hate women.

PS- he died in a riptide.