Opposite sex best friends while in relationship

[PrissiSippi]

We had a couple game night where we got together and played battle of the sexes, taboo and uno. You know typical board games. I have a male best friend that attended with his girlfriend. We've been close before either one of us got with our now significant others. We'll we just made the rule that we wouldn't talk to people of the opposite sex after ten pm and we would try to refrain from talking period to people after ten because that should be time for the couple to talk. We'll I called my friend at 9:30 and we talked a few minutes publically with each of our partners in the room. Ole girl was livid. My BFF told me she had been looking up boyfriends that have female significant others and found they never work out. She wants us to kind of oart.


My fiancé doesn't really care for our closeness either. I can understand his point of view. I talk this guy in the morning briefly. We talk about relationship problems a lot. And occasionally we will go work out together. My fiancé said he felt like he couldn't motivate me to work out but he can. I explained to him that it was because with him I have to make the initiative to work out with my BFF he'll just ask if I want to tag along.

As far as the friend. I've never had any intimate encounters with him. No conversations we could blackmail each other on. No weird touches or moments. In fact I used to date his ex best friend so I just never felt any physical connection to him and vice versa.

What should I do? I want to respect my fiancé. I don't want to lose my friend but I don't want to step on the girlfriends toes.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Just Kidding.

I have a guy best friend also. We've been friends FOREVER and all that jazz but honestly, our relationship has changed since he got a serious girlfriend/wife - As it should.

I want to be friends (or friendly slash never on her bad side) with his wife and not cause trouble in the relationship ever. What I would say is if they're a serious couple, you should try to really befriend her and keep the conversation with your best friend to coffee chats or coming over for dinner and the like.

I see your fiance is miffed - I'm not surprised. If that's supposed to be the #1 man in your life, I would advise you to get everyone on the same page.

I don't have an SO, but my best friend is still my best friend because I have his best interest at heart - his relationship with his eternal partner and friend. I 100% commend your efforts of limiting the time you talk but next time, send a text.

 

[Chrismiss]

I have a couple of close guy friends. Those things have come up with their SO's. It hasn't come up with my current. Not directing this at you, OP, but I always feel like the people who have a problem with it are questioning their partners integrity.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Well I thought it was good y'all started the 10 pm boundary, so I don't know what else y'all should do to calm down your SOs.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I have a couple of close guy friends. Those things have come up with their SO's. It hasn't come up with my current. Not directing this at you, OP, but I always feel like the people who have a problem with it are questioning their partners integrity.

I think so to. She has asked would you ever date her? Do you find him attractive? Would you ever cheat on me?

And my boyfriend well at first he minded but as time continues he knows how I truly feel about him and my friend so he's calmed down. But even with texting one could wonder "what r y'all talking about?!"

 

[nathansgirl1908]

That situation is going to get out of hand.

I will refrain from sharing my true opinion.

 

[carcajada]

I have a male BFF and would never ever cross some those lines outlined in the op. I would have a big problem with the daily communication and work out sessions. I guess the bottom line is if it makes the signicant other uncomfortable, then cut it out.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

^^ She doesn't sound like a serious gf..

 

[PrissiSippi]

That situation is going to get out of hand.

I will refrain from sharing my true opinion.

Lol I would usually want you to refrain but seriously I want to see all viewpoints. What's your true opinion?

 

[PrissiSippi]

I have a male BFF and would never ever cross some those lines outlined in the op. I would have a big problem with the daily communication and work out sessions. I guess the bottom line is if it makes the signicant other uncomfortable, then cut it out.

Yeah I can understand the morning communication and working out so we cut both out. Now just random phone conversation and all of us hanging out with couple dates.

 

[carcajada]

Nevermind.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Lol I would usually want you to refrain but seriously I want to see all viewpoints. What's your true opinion?

Something about your post makes me side-eye YOU. Don't know why, I just get that vibe. If you really respect his gf and your own relationship, then you need to severely curtail your interactions. That workout thing is a red flag. And you shouldn't be talking to him even at 9:30pm in my opinion.

Honestly, you're that friend that ends up somehow "taking" the guy (even though grown men can't be taken per se).

 

[Sosa]

Are you talking to this dude everyday? If yes, why are y'all dating other ppl? That would definitely be a problem with me if I was his girlfriend. You guys workout together (without your SOs) too and talk about your problems. Are these things you are also sharing with your own man?

C'mon you both have to know your respective SOs would have some problem with this.

ETA: I think you should fall back some and do some of the things you are doing with bff with your SO instead . Also, bring both your SOs along sometimes to the gym. If he is that important to you, try to be friends with his woman too.

 

[LovelyRo]

I talk to my married male best friend during our morning commutes... Usually about 2-3 times a week. Anytime we see each other, his wife is usually there and it's usually an event. I think the workout thing may be crossing the line... That's too familiar. I will say that there are times when we aren't as close and it's usually when I have a boyfriend.

 

[PrissiSippi]

Something about your post makes me side-eye YOU. Don't know why, I just get that vibe. If you really respect his gf and your own relationship, then you need to severely curtail your interactions. That workout thing is a red flag. And you shouldn't be talking to him even at 9:30pm in my opinion.

Honestly, you're that friend that ends up somehow "taking" the guy (even though grown men can't be taken per se).

Lol trust I wouldn't want to "take the guy". I hate to be superficial but my fiancé is an engineer. My BFF is a cable guy. Lol ain't nobody got time for that. But seriously, My man trumps him in love, physique, education, money, intelligence, and more lol. He's just an old childhood friend. Our conversations mostly are around he's shopping for a ring for his gf but doesn't know how he will come up with the money. I give him tips on how to budget so he can afford the ring if his dreams and how he can get back on her good side when she seems down. He on the other hand is helping me not be so nitpicky and relax and enjoy my relationship with the now Fiancé.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I talk to my married male best friend during our morning commutes... Usually about 2-3 times a week. Anytime we see each other, his wife is usually there and it's usually an event. I think the workout thing may be crossing the line... That's too familiar. I will say that there are times when we aren't as close and it's usually when I have a boyfriend.

We've aren't as close as we used to either since the relationship but I am going to pull back even more. I think it's just so easy cuz we live in the same apartment complex so we see each other while walking to dogs or whatever everyday. I talked to SO and he told me he understands the friendship but wants me to do more of those things with him like giving him financial advice I've read or etc. He told me he wished I worked on improving him as much as my other friends. I told him it's because shoot he doesn't need an improving. He's spot on and very responsible and wise for his age. But I digress. Ima pull back and replace those convos with the fiancé. It's just certain rules I honestly don't know when it comes to relationship. I'm learning. Thanks for you alls input

 

[LaBelleLL]

OP if deep down you didn't think something was wrong, you wouldn't create a thread on it or seek opinions from others.

you know what you need to do.

 

[BraunSugar]

I have a close guy friend with whom I have always had a platonic relationship. We talked often and would occasionally hang out. The majority of the time we spent together we also had mutual friends with us. Anyway, he started seeing a girl (who is now his fiancee) and I immediately reached out to her to try to get to know her because she was somebody who was very important to him.

She and I spent the 4th of July together in Chicago, we shop, talk on the phone, and she is a dear friend of mine now. Even if we never became close, I would respect her feelings and her relationship. I would have to put distance between myself and my guy friend.

As for my DH, I always encouraged him to try to get to know my guy friends (I don't have many). If he ever felt I was getting too close to one of them, I would again put some distance between myself and my guy friend.

 

[Farida]

The fact that you discuss relationship issues with him is a big red flag. It's ok for a guy you are just dating but this is a man you are going to marry! Such discussions are intimate, IMO and can cause a lot of problems in your relationship. As a married woman you will need to learn to protect your marriage by choosing who you confide in very wisely.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Lol trust I wouldn't want to "take the guy". I hate to be superficial but my fiancé is an engineer. My BFF is a cable guy. Lol ain't nobody got time for that. But seriously, My man trumps him in love, physique, education, money, intelligence, and more lol. He's just an old childhood friend. Our conversations mostly are around he's shopping for a ring for his gf but doesn't know how he will come up with the money. I give him tips on how to budget so he can afford the ring if his dreams and how he can get back on her good side when she seems down. He on the other hand is helping me not be so nitpicky and relax and enjoy my relationship with the now Fiancé.

Lol lol
Ain't nobody got time for that......except you.
Fall back. Both of you will soon have spouses and your friendship will take second place, as it should.
Think about how you'd feel if your fiancé was spending this amount of time with a female BFF.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I used to be concerned about these things because I had a lot of guy friends, but I've found that a lot of my close male friendships have naturally grown apart and I'm fine with that. I wouldn't want to cause friction in the relationships of people I care about so I've always been good about boundaries for the most part. But respecting boundaries has meant that several friendships have faded as we've matured and our partners take greater importance in our lives. I'm okay with that, I've found new friendships and activities to fill the void.

I have one close male friend that for the life of me, I cannot get myself to like his new gf. . I just don't like her, and I don't think she really likes me either, tbh. We've never had issues but you know sometimes you can just tell lol. I don't think she really likes for he and I to hang out alone because anytime we make plans she adds herself on at the last minute, or maybe he invites her, who knows. But I just started pulling back because I don't like her, I don't like the awkwardness, I don't like drama, and I'm too old for this mess. I thought I would be sadder about the loss of our friendship but I'm not. It's apart of growing up. He was my last close male friend, so my friendship circle is pretty much entirely women now and I like it a lot.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

This is why I don't understand those women who profess to only have male friends and avoid female relationships. What happens when those men get in relationships? As women we should cultivate more female relationships so this is not so much of an issue. I don't have any male friends that are close enough where this would be an issue. And I don't believe for a minute that friendships like this stay strictly platonic.

OP if you are expending more energy in your BFF, then you obviously DO have time for all that.

 

[topnotch1010]

This is my advice. You know my BFF is a man and we have been BFF's for 20 years. Nothing is going to change about that. I would focus on befriending the gf and making her feel comfortable. In the past, we have given each other space when need be, and we respect each other's relationships. Give them a little space, befriend her, and keep it moving...

I have a close guy friend with whom I have always had a platonic relationship. We talked often and would occasionally hang out. The majority of the time we spent together we also had mutual friends with us. Anyway, he started seeing a girl (who is now his fiancee) and I immediately reached out to her to try to get to know her because she was somebody who was very important to him.

She and I spent the 4th of July together in Chicago, we shop, talk on the phone, and she is a dear friend of mine now. Even if we never became close, I would respect her feelings and her relationship. I would have to put distance between myself and my guy friend.

As for my DH, I always encouraged him to try to get to know my guy friends (I don't have many). If he ever felt I was getting too close to one of them, I would again put some distance between myself and my guy friend.

 

[darlingdiva]

This is my advice. You know my BFF is a man and we have been BFF's for 20 years. Nothing is going to change about that. I would focus on befriending the gf and making her feel comfortable. In the past, we have given each other space when need be, and we respect each other's relationships. Give them a little space, befriend her, and keep it moving...

Does your BFF of 20 years have a girlfriend or wife? I'm asking because your comment of "[n]othing is going to change about that" really stands out to me.
If his wife or girlfriend is uncomfortable with your relationship, then he and his mate should discuss her feelings and their shared decision should determine if your relationship with him continues.

 

[CoilyFields]

Important:

1. Know your place
The sad fact is that if you are a close friend of someone of the opposite sex you need to realize that your role in their life will change depending on their relationships (and yours). You will not be able to maintain the same level of closeness, especially upon marriage. Don't become territorial, just be aware, don't fight against the tide and let it flow naturally.

2. Respect the GF
Try to befriend her. Make her feel comfortable...because she has no idea what your intentions are. For every "platonic" female friend there are usually 5 pretenders (meaning they have feelings for the guy but claim they don't).

True story: Had a guy and girl that I met. They were best friends. I hung out with both of them separately and together. She never hinted at having feelings for him and had actually mentioned in a conversation how "gross" the thought was because he was like a "brother" to her. Well, when me and him started to flirt and go in that direction I asked her if she had feelings for him because if so I wouldn't let it go there-even told her I had no attachment to him and that it was just for fun but if she had feelings I wouldn't pursue it. Well she swore up and down she didn't care. two months later she had dropped off the face of the earth and had a semi breakdown because she loved him and always thought they would eventually be together and couldn't stand to see us together. Lesson learned!

3. Never let your SO feel one bit of insecurity. Check that! As soon as your SO mentions something, don't argue it with them...just change your interaction with your friend to suit their comfortability. (this is only for an SO, not just someone youre dating).

 

[Bublin]

CoilyFields

Great advice. So how should one handle these kinds of situations in the dating phase? You're getting to know each other and the other party has this close friend that you're not comfortable with.
Do you address the situation early on even though you're not exclusive, put up and shut up until you're officially a couple or just skip out of the relationship.

 

[CoilyFields]

@CoilyFields

Great advice. So how should one handle these kinds of situations in the dating phase? You're getting to know each other and the other party has this close friend that you're not comfortable with.
Do you address the situation early on even though you're not exclusive, put up and shut up until you're officially a couple or just skip out of the relationship.

Bublin

I say that you have no right to suggest or insist upon anything until you are exclusive. Not only because its not your place yet, but because they could already have a pattern in place where they fall back when they have SO's.

If there are some serious infringements that you notice while in the dating phase I would casually mention it to the guy. Maybe phrase it like, "So you and XYZ are pretty close huh? Has that ever caused any discomfort with your past GF's?"

I find that most guys have no problem putting those boundaries in place when a GF asks them. Its usually the women who are territorial about their guy friends.

 

[gabulldawg]

We've aren't as close as we used to either since the relationship but I am going to pull back even more. I think it's just so easy cuz we live in the same apartment complex so we see each other while walking to dogs or whatever everyday. I talked to SO and he told me he understands the friendship but wants me to do more of those things with him like giving him financial advice I've read or etc. He told me he wished I worked on improving him as much as my other friends. I told him it's because shoot he doesn't need an improving. He's spot on and very responsible and wise for his age. But I digress. Ima pull back and replace those convos with the fiancé. It's just certain rules I honestly don't know when it comes to relationship. I'm learning. Thanks for you alls input

So you and your "best male friend" live in the same apartment complex, too???? Did I read that right?? Yeah, no. inappropriate all around. I personally think that opposite sex best friendships are immature and is something that a person should outgrow like braces. The average person would not be ok with their significant other having a best friend of the opposite sex that they are close with, talk in the phone with regularly, spend alone time together, text. Why go trough the trouble of continuing that kind of relationship?? Unnecessary drama.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

So you and your "best male friend" live in the same apartment complex, too???? Did I read that right?? Yeah, no. inappropriate all around. I personally think that opposite sex best friendships are immature and is something that a person should outgrow like braces. The average person would not be ok with their significant other having a best friend of the opposite sex that they are close with, talk in the phone with regularly, spend alone time together, text. Why go trough the trouble of continuing that kind of relationship?? Unnecessary drama.

Wasn't this the plot to Baggage Claim with Paula Patton? LOL.

 

[gabulldawg]

Wasn't this the plot to Baggage Claim with Paula Patton? LOL.

I never saw that movie. This whole phenomenon is so odd to me. If the relationship is so serious to the point where people even overlook or ignore their significant other's feelings then why not just be with your "friend?" I couldn't imagine....