OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME BUT............

well no matter how the situation turns out...don't question yourself for being selfish....because you are not being....your husband is exhibiting very selfish behavior....so even if you decide to not go, it won't have anything to do with you and everything to do with him and you just need to make sure that if you don't decide to go that you are able to really be okay with that decisions.....like others have said.....alot of folks don't realize built up aggressions and resentments boil underneath the surface and alot of times come out subconsciously in behaviors..so be consciously aware of what you are doing feeling and take time to make sure you have resolved them all
 
Ebonybee said:
Have you given in thought to your position(opportunities) with the company if you don't accept the training. They may consider it a bad signal and future promotion/raises will be impacted. Also, since you don't have a degree, the company is trying minimize the impact (with other employees) by giving you training.

I know you are considering going back to school, but are you also ready to look for another job?
Click to expand...

This is a good point. IF you turn it down, it may look like you're not serious about career advancement with this company. Have you mentioned that to him?

I really tihnk you should go. DH doesn't seem to have a logical reason why you shouldn't go. And I think you can talk him into it. 4 weeks is not that long at all. And an all-expenses paid trip to another country? What an opportunity!
 
DH needs to man up and have the "here are my concerns, how can we address them" conversation rather than the getting-nowhere "I don't want you to go".
 
I understand he'll miss you. Lawd knows I missed DH to death when he was gone for 6 weeks. I was pretty lonely at the time too. My closest friends were gone too. It was hard. We talked every day on the phone, e-mail and yahoo messenger.

Does your DH not have friends or family close by? I have thought of going somewhere for 3 months but where we're at right now we have no close friends or family. It's a pretty miserable place IMO and I couldn't fathom leaving DH here for 3 months without me. I know he would encourage me to go though. I figure I'll wait and see how things pan out, as time goes by we will make more friends and pick up more things to keep us busy, then maybe I'll go.
 
Go!!! You have 6 months to save up for a plane ticket for him to come visit. If you dont go you will be kicking yourself in the butt later.
 
So many of the ladies up there had SO much good to say - I'd say go. Whether he supports you or not. But that's just me - but then, DH would never try to stand in the way of me excelling and advancing in my career, either.

The only con of you going is that your DH will miss you. :rolleyes:

That's the only reason you would turn down a once in a lifetime chance at training, as well as the future benefits that you will get at your job from having completed the training, as well as the network contacts you will be willing to make.... I'm going to be blunt and say that I think it would be foolish, insane, and highly short-sighted for you to not go.

It's not like you are applying for other jobs right now - then, I could understand him having issues with you going on a training when you know that this isn't your long term career path - but as it stands now, this is the job and career that you have, and you don't have any 'in process' plans (based on what you are telling us) to move on - so why turn down a good thing?

I think that he is being very selfish, and that if it was his job offering him month-long training somewhere, it would be an entirely different story.

I spent close to 3 months out of the country, and DH wasn't able to visit me, not once. Did I miss him? Hells yeah! Did he miss me? But of course!? But you know what? The brief period of feeling the emotions of missing each other were NOT going to override me advancing in my career. We treated it like a brief long distance relationship, got through those 90 days, and moved. on.

:nono:

And I think that if you don't take it, and you see people who HAVE taken it being promoted, offered better opportunities, and passing you by - you are going to be just a wee bit bitter about not having gone.

And he can't get a single weekend (or even two or three days in the middle of the week) off with six months notice? :look: That seems - odd. And in six months - esp. if you keep an eye on the prices - you should be able to swing a cheap plane ticket.

Girl, go.
 
Thanks Ladies...I will update you all once the lines of communication are open.
I am mad right now and I am not in the mood to talk to him.
I guess I have to put the conversation on hold for now and he needs to get past his initial reaction and start to think straight before we can talk again.
 
I'm coming back at the end here, but I wanted to say that I think your husband's thoughts and concerns should be given weight. I know we think he's actin' like a bia bia for not being on board, but I still believe you owe him respect because he is your husband. Jobs may come and go; marriages will not (hopefully :look:).

I guess what I'm trying to say is be patient with him, regardless of how you feel because you know what? His feelings are valid and he's entitled to his emotions. I wouldn't put dents in the emotional safety and intimacy by defying him or being flippant about his feelings.

I like Hopeful's suggestion. Put your womanly way on him and see if he comes around. Also, I would write out a list of exactly why I thought I should go and have him do the same. Then, when you are both thinking clearly, sit down with no distractions and take turns sharing. Listen to him and empathize with him. Ask yourself how you would want him to respond to you if the tables were turned.

We all have emotional quirks and unexplained preferences so be patient with him and his. His reasons for wanting you near may run deeper than you realize.

Yes, this opportunity is great, and I think going would be wonderful. I also think it's possible to do that without having to repair marital damage when you get home.
 
i would go. if this is who you're going to spend your life with, situations similar to this one are going to arise.. are you always going to turn down offers that demand time away from your DH? your partner has to be comprimising. again, if you're spending your life with this person, there are going to be times where you will miss eachother.. where you will be away. god willing, we have a while on this earth.. and you cant be away from him for a month? not to mention that this is an awesome oppritunity.

he's not supposed to want you to go. he's supposed to be supportive, though. he is simply trying his luck and on a bit of a power trip. if you go, you're standing up for yourself. if you don't simply because he will miss you, he will always use the '' i'll miss u so i don't want you to go '' card and you will never be able to persue anything that requires time out of your family. u have to break that cycle now.
 
Go. He may need to confront some fears of his own, but the process you going could make your marriage stronger. And yeah, do the webcam thing.
 
Divine Inspiration said:
I'm coming back at the end here, but I wanted to say that I think your husband's thoughts and concerns should be given weight. I know we think he's actin' like a bia bia for not being on board, but I still believe you owe him respect because he is your husband. Jobs may come and go; marriages will not (hopefully :look:).

I guess what I'm trying to say is be patient with him, regardless of how you feel because you know what? His feelings are valid and he's entitled to his emotions. I wouldn't put dents in the emotional safety and intimacy by defying him or being flippant about his feelings.

I like Hopeful's suggestion. Put your womanly way on him and see if he comes around. Also, I would write out a list of exactly why I thought I should go and have him do the same. Then, when you are both thinking clearly, sit down with no distractions and take turns sharing. Listen to him and empathize with him. Ask yourself how you would want him to respond to you if the tables were turned.

We all have emotional quirks and unexplained preferences so be patient with him and his. His reasons for wanting you near may run deeper than you realize.

Yes, this opportunity is great, and I think going would be wonderful. I also think it's possible to do that without having to repair marital damage when you get home.
Click to expand...

ITA

If you feel very strongly about this trip and he feels very strongly about you staying, the two of you perhaps should involve a 3rd party - counsellor, mentor couple or spiritual leader.

As they said, try and win him over to you side. If that doesn't work, think long and hard, as Divine said, these opportunities come and go, but your marriage comes first. I hope he comes around, and yes, keep us posted.
 
If the situation were reversed, would he not go?

I can't imagine any man not taking an opportunity to advance in his career. Why are women constantly being asked to do the sacrificing?

"If I Were A Boy" is playing in my head really loudly right now.

OP, you have to do what is best for your household. I hope you get to go. Good luck. :kiss:
 
MizAvalon said:
If the situation were reversed, would he not go?

I can't imagine any man not taking an opportunity to advance in his career. Why are women constantly being asked to do the sacrificing?

"If I Were A Boy" is playing in my head really loudly right now.

OP, you have to do what is best for your household. I hope you get to go. Good luck. :kiss:
Click to expand...

This is definitely a tough situation because I do understand the importance of the marital relationship and partners sacrificing for each other, but what you said was the first thing that popped into my head.

If the situation had been reversed, OP's husband would have said, "Baby, I'm going to France. I'll miss you, but I'll see you in four weeks."

The end.

I don't know how much of a say she would have had in the decision, or if she expressed her objections, he might try to comfort her and say it would be alright and that maybe she could visit, but I doubt he'd even slightly question his decision based on her simply "missing him."
 
MizAvalon said:
If the situation were reversed, would he not go?

I can't imagine any man not taking an opportunity to advance in his career. Why are women constantly being asked to do the sacrificing?

"If I Were A Boy" is playing in my head really loudly right now.

OP, you have to do what is best for your household. I hope you get to go. Good luck. :kiss:
Click to expand...

Excellent point! We women make way too many sacrifices, way too often. I was just thinking that this may be one of those turning points in your relationship. She may just have to say, "Listen I'm going, it is important to me and my career, which will positively affect our family and our family's future and stability. I need your support, I really do. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would support you in a heartbeat." I have found that when we are firm our men tend to listen and support us. Mandy, you need to really think about how important this is too you, if it really is that important, pray on it and step out in faith.
 
I find these responses so interesting....because my husband said there is no way he would ask me ot NOT go.

I personally don't think that I could tell the job yes and spend the next few months trying to "convince" DH that he should be okay with my going away for work. It's WORK not a vacation.

My DH asked if your DH was independently wealthy or something such that he does not need you to ever make $1 more than you make now....and he will always cover the shortfalls. If not, my DH says he needs to suck it up and enjoy you for the next few months since you will be gone in June.

Bunny77 said:
This is definitely a tough situation because I do understand the importance of the marital relationship and partners sacrificing for each other, but what you said was the first thing that popped into my head.

If the situation had been reversed, OP's husband would have said, "Baby, I'm going to France. I'll miss you, but I'll see you in four weeks."

The end.

I don't know how much of a say she would have had in the decision, or if she expressed her objections, he might try to comfort her and say it would be alright and that maybe she could visit, but I doubt he'd even slightly question his decision based on her simply "missing him."
Click to expand...
 
Thank you all for your responses.
I appreciate that you are looking at this from both sides.
I know that I have to hear my DH out, even if I don't agree with where he is at. It is important for me to remember that even if his feelings are not what I need right now, they are still valid.

If roles were reversed, I would want him to hear me out too, even if he did not agree with me. I wouldn't want him to just "inform me" that he is going.

He knows that I can go whether he agrees or not.

Of course it is easier for me if he just agrees.:rolleyes:

Why do men always find a round about way of expressing their feelings?:ohwell:
 
MissNorway said:
I wonder why he doesn't want you to go?
No disrespect but he should support you and applaud you for excelling in your career.
If you really want to go, I say go ahead. You will regret this later and your husband will be there when you come back.
Click to expand...

I agree...I would go. Especially if you don't have any children? And who knows when you'l have this opportunity again?!!
 
Mandy4610 said:
Thank you all for your responses.
I appreciate that you are looking at this from both sides.
I know that I have to hear my DH out, even if I don't agree with where he is at. It is important for me to remember that even if his feelings are not what I need right now, they are still valid.

If roles were reversed, I would want him to hear me out too, even if he did not agree with me. I wouldn't want him to just "inform me" that he is going.

He knows that I can go whether he agrees or not.

Of course it is easier for me if he just agrees.:rolleyes:

Why do men always find a round about way of expressing their feelings?:ohwell:
Click to expand...
Yes his feelings are very valid...so it is very important that you know exactly why he feels the way he feels.....yes the reasons may very well be selfish, selfish doesn't make them invalid...it makes them what it is...now its where does the selfishness stem from and for what reasons becvause his feelings will come from somewhere very specific for specific reasons and this is what you want to try to understand.....then you work from there because selfishness and love don't create perfect harmony....neither does sacrificing self for the selfishness of another....when both parties are operating from love thats when the best decision will be made....not going on the trip and feeling he has selfish motives behind it doesn't solve anything nor is it the highest expression of love on your part....if the problem is not addressed, fixed and weeded out....other situations will arise that will keep bringing this problem to surface
 
tiara76 said:
Yes his feelings are very valid...so it is very important that you know exactly why he feels the way he feels.....yes the reasons may very well be selfish, selfish doesn't make them invalid...it makes them what it is...now its where does the selfishness stem from and for what reasons becvause his feelings will come from somewhere very specific for specific reasons and this is what you want to try to understand.....then you work from there because selfishness and love don't create perfect harmony....neither does sacrificing self for the selfishness of another....when both parties are operating from love thats when the best decision will be made....not going on the trip and feeling he has selfish motives behind it doesn't solve anything nor is it the highest expression of love on your part....if the problem is not addressed, fixed and weeded out....other situations will arise that will keep bringing this problem to surface
Click to expand...
Very wise words. Thank you!
 
tiara76 said:
Yes his feelings are very valid...so it is very important that you know exactly why he feels the way he feels.....yes the reasons may very well be selfish, selfish doesn't make them invalid...it makes them what it is...now its where does the selfishness stem from and for what reasons becvause his feelings will come from somewhere very specific for specific reasons and this is what you want to try to understand.....then you work from there because selfishness and love don't create perfect harmony....neither does sacrificing self for the selfishness of another....when both parties are operating from love thats when the best decision will be made....not going on the trip and feeling he has selfish motives behind it doesn't solve anything nor is it the highest expression of love on your part....if the problem is not addressed, fixed and weeded out....other situations will arise that will keep bringing this problem to surface
Click to expand...
This is what I was thinking...even if you decide not to go his selfish motives are still unresolved. I really hope you get to go :yep:
 
One month is not a long time at all. I would say it's no brainer, but then again, I'm not married. I personally need someone who understands my need to be free and travel and who would pick up and move with me when I move abroad. But I digress :look: I don't have any advice to offer since this isn't just a BF but your hubby. I'd say go but there's obvi other things to consider.
 
BillsBackerz67 said:
This is what I was thinking...even if you decide not to go his selfish motives are still unresolved. I really hope you get to go :yep:
Click to expand...
Thank you...I am feeling like I will go even if he does not like it...I mean I don't expect him to be jumping up and down for joy, I know it will be hard for him, but I also know that he will survive.
I will hear him out, but in the end will do what is best for both of us.
 
I will say that my focus is mostly on you in that I want you to go and not miss out on a wonderful opportunity. I actually think that it is sweet that he does not want to be away from you, so far and for so long, I do feel for him. My dh has gone out of the country a few times, but for only about a week or so and I will tell you that when a person is out of the country it is a scary feeling, they can't run home quickly if you really need them, when you talk to them on the phone they seem so so far away, coming home at night to an empty house, sleeping in a big bed alone night after night. It is not easy and it really is a sacrafice on both parts, but particulary for the person left at home because the other is busy doing something new and meeting new people etc.
 
MCMLXXII said:
I know you're married, but I would be like, "Au Revoir!"

It's only a month...he'll be a'ight. Get a webcam and stay in touch.
Click to expand...

:lachen:Umm yeah. it wouldn't really even be up for discussion. A month come on... Maybe he invite him to come out for week for a 2nd honeymoon. Whats the real issue about? Maybe I need to keep reading
 
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