Opinion Op: 8weeks Is A Red Flag

[AnjelLuvs]

So I am reading one of Katrina's FB post and here is one that got me side eyeing todays culture... I am not cut out to sleep with someone after 2nd date...

Ladies ladies

Very curious about your take on this:

A man in my rotation, my favorite man, often has me scratching my head about his behavior and etc. The main thing that I wanted to ask about was this, as i actually have never met someone like this before: he WILL NOT have sex unless it's a girlfriend. Hes recently 40. Never had a one night stand. Always had sex in relationships only. Now, in the past I've wanted to wait for sex and met just several guys over the years who wanted to not have sex on 2nd date and "wait a few more dates", however, even in those cases, there would be lots of making out, movie nights and snuggles, heavy making out, etc etc.....NEVER WITH THIS GUY. HE WILL NOT LET US GO THERE. Very disciplined and controlled in this area. Is this some sort of a red flag...?! I've asked about it and he says he bonds pretty easily with physical intimacy and is tired of picking women that are wrong for him, so he wants to actually get to know someone before engaging much physically as it clouds him over. At first this made sense and I let it be. Now just... weird. Weve been at this 8 weeks now. No progression. No movie nights, no making out in car or against car. He says he is interested and when we kiss, I feel him get aroused, but he always stops things very quickly. It's a bit strange, yes?!

I am old fashion/behind on the times, something, because I was reading comments and seemingly everyone thought it was a Red flag that dude was not giving it up...
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ETA: So I asked a male coworker who stated that, there is something wrong with ole dude.. As a male he should be taking some type of move!

Lol... I was coming from a Female perspective! Like not my dignity, you can try all you want, I am not dishing out after 2nd date, so why would I expect that!

Update: It was stated on OP, as someone mentioned that the woman's concern was not so much intercourse but lack of intimacy...

 

[lavaflow99]

He's getting it from somewhere else hence he isn't pressed to sleep with her.

Or he is a hardcore Christian/born again and really waiting till marriage. Though he did say he won't have sex with anyone unless she's a girlfriend.

But no making out after 8 weeks? I would be out!!

Strange....

 

[kimpaur]

VERY strange. They don't have to be having sex at that stage, but after 8 weeks , kissing should definitely be happening on the regular.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Eight weeks of chaste kissing and not even a dry hump? Not I said the cat.

 

[rabs77]

I know this guy, dead on description of one of my male buddies

So knowing what I know from his POV, here goes.
He’s looking for a wife, wants kids, but is super cautious of who he ends up with because he considers himself a catch (black, tall, smart, great career, no kids) and doesn’t want to be snagged by the wrong woman. Is the lady in question over 32? Then sorry she doesn’t make the cut cos he’s worried about her being able to have his kids when they are ready, since he’s not about to drop everything and marry her. He’s currently entertaining ladies over that age, but only until “THE ONE” appears. He’s never been much of a Casanova, so typically he’s just with these women for the company, not for the sex. He dated one of my friends in the past and I hear he’s got a small
Long story short, yep red flag, move on.

 

[LdyKamz]

She wasn't asking him to give it up on the 2nd date though. And after 2 months and we aren't making out I would assume he isn't interested and I would move on.

But if he gave the explanation like in the OP and I really liked him I might entertain it for a while and see if it would bring us closer together and be able to bond better. Physical intimacy is easy and it usually doesn't mean there's a connection even if the sex is good. I would just be disappointed if we bonded and fell in love and the sex turned out to be terrible.

 

[faithVA]

Wow so 8 weeks is a long time I'm old and out of touch obviously.

 

[Lylddlebit]

This is really interesting because I waited way longer than what is described in the OP and a lot of his boundaries match my own. I have to have genuine trust and stability within a committed relationship for any emotional or physical action to take place. The benefit to that is it gives you time to make sure you are compatible with a person before you catch feelings for them. I find it interesting that his behavior considered a red flag. A man with discipline and self control is an attribute to me. Many of the same things she described in him protected me from a lot of hurt and disappointment by being able to judge the situation clearly before my emotions were entangled in it.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Yall definitely do not want to see Katrina P. response then!

 

[Theresamonet]

I can understand him not wanting to sleep with her (even though his reasoning is a bit suspect), but they can’t even make out after 8 weeks? Nah, he is up to something.

 

[dicapr]

I think the real issue is he doesn’t think she is someone he wants for a girlfriend. He isn’t sure that this relationship is going somewhere and is holding back because of that fact. The red flag isn’t that he doesn’t want to have sex but the fact that at 8 weeks in he doesn’t consider her girlfriend material.

 

[cocomochaa]

1) He has a small wand and wants her to fall in love to the point its overlooked. Most of the women I know who were dating (post 1 month) a guy who shyed from intimacy had a pencil or stub.

2)He's a born-again Christian.

3) He's getting it elsewhere.

 

[Theresamonet]

I think the real issue is he doesn’t think she is someone he wants for a girlfriend. He isn’t sure that this relationship is going somewhere and is holding back because of that fact. The red flag isn’t that he doesn’t want to have sex but the fact that at 8 weeks in he doesn’t consider her girlfriend material.

Probably because she was pressuring him for sex on the second date. lol

 

[lavaflow99]

1) He has a small wand and wants her to fall in love to the point its overlooked. Most of the women I know who were dating (post 1 month) a guy who shyed from intimacy had a pencil or stub.

2)He's a born-again Christian.

3) He's getting it elsewhere.

Ah yes! Definitely got to consider the bolded as well. This happened with a friend as she was feeling this guy hardcore whom she was dating. He was holding off sex longer than any other guy she dated. A couple of months later they finally started fooling around and she copped a feel and felt nothing. So that crashed and burned. Even after this, she wanted to talk to him and missed him. I was like girl, why? She would have been extremely disappointed if that relationship continued as a healthy sexual relationship is important to her. She finally let it go and moved on

 

[jerseyhaircare]

1) He has a small wand and wants her to fall in love to the point its overlooked. Most of the women I know who were dating (post 1 month) a guy who shyed from intimacy had a pencil or stub.

2)He's a born-again Christian.

3) He's getting it elsewhere.

Amen to that. The only guy I knew who wanted to wait for a while and shied away from intimacy had a thumb. Tiny thumb. Like that of a really fat midget. So please, if he says let's wait, be suspect.

 

[LiftedUp]

I'd say that either he's sleeping with someone else or isn't that attracted to her.

My FH, I'm sure, would tell me that women do not listen to men and that he explicitly said "tired of picking women that are wrong for him, so he wants to actually get to know someone before engaging much physically as it clouds him over"

 

[blessedandfavoured]

So I am reading one of Katrina's FB post and here is one that got me side eyeing todays culture... I am not cut out to sleep with someone after 2nd date...

Ladies ladies

Very curious about your take on this:

A man in my rotation, my favorite man, often has me scratching my head about his behavior and etc. The main thing that I wanted to ask about was this, as i actually have never met someone like this before: he WILL NOT have sex unless it's a girlfriend. Hes recently 40. Never had a one night stand. Always had sex in relationships only. Now, in the past I've wanted to wait for sex and met just several guys over the years who wanted to not have sex on 2nd date and "wait a few more dates", however, even in those cases, there would be lots of making out, movie nights and snuggles, heavy making out, etc etc.....NEVER WITH THIS GUY. HE WILL NOT LET US GO THERE. Very disciplined and controlled in this area. Is this some sort of a red flag...?! I've asked about it and he says he bonds pretty easily with physical intimacy and is tired of picking women that are wrong for him, so he wants to actually get to know someone before engaging much physically as it clouds him over. At first this made sense and I let it be. Now just... weird. Weve been at this 8 weeks now. No progression. No movie nights, no making out in car or against car. He says he is interested and when we kiss, I feel him get aroused, but he always stops things very quickly. It's a bit strange, yes?!

I am old fashion/behind on the times, something, because I was reading comments and seemingly everyone thought it was a Red flag that dude was not giving it up...
----------
ETA: So I asked a male coworker who stated that, there is something wrong with ole dude.. As a male he should be taking some type of move!

Lol... I was coming from a Female perspective! Like not my dignity, you can try all you want, I am not dishing out after 2nd date, so why would I expect that!

Update: It was stated on OP, as someone mentioned that the woman's concern was not so much intercourse but lack of intimacy...

I think she's tripping. The guy said what he said. Maybe he knows his limits and he doesn't want to test them, hence no making out/movie nights, etc. If he was a Christian I'd have expected him to say he was waiting till marriage. Either way, they seem incompatible.

Yall definitely do not want to see Katrina P. response then!

I do!

 

[dicapr]

I'd say that either he's sleeping with someone else or isn't that attracted to her.

My FH, I'm sure, would tell me that women do not listen to men and that he explicitly said "tired of picking women that are wrong for him, so he wants to actually get to know someone before engaging much physically as it clouds him over"

It’s easier to make something wrong with him than to realize he just doesn’t want a relationship with you. The woman in the OP isn’t what he wants but she isn’t listening. He is her #1 pic but she isn’t his.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I do!

My response to post: I am sitting here reading comments like DANG! These people just giving their body away... How much do you know about someone in 2 months... :-/

Katarina Phang's response: Givng your body away???? You either are attracted or you are not. If you're lukewarm about someone that you have to think it over for 2 months and still not sure, let that person go!! You just don't have enough sparks for him. Sex naturally comes first before the mind starts shoulding everything under the sun.

My response back: Katarina Phang Ummm yea I get that but 2nd date! This what you teaching? (Honest question) Lol, not exactly what I was getting from readings...

Someone else chimed in and stated, Yeah I agree Anjelluvs... I’m kind of surprised a teacher assumes that all women or people are just looking for “sparks” for many of us we don’t want to share sexually until after there is a long and deep emotional commitment

-----
This thread got me to thinking about the double standards, but no I get it, I want a prospect all over me, but upon reading was all in MY emotions like no way would I do that as a woman. But men are innate sexual creatures from go... :Lol

 

[blessedandfavoured]

My response to post: I am sitting here reading comments like DANG! These people just giving their body away... How much do you know about someone in 2 months... :-/

Katarina Phang's response: Givng your body away???? You either are attracted or you are not. If you're lukewarm about someone that you have to think it over for 2 months and still not sure, let that person go!! You just don't have enough sparks for him. Sex naturally comes first before the mind starts shoulding everything under the sun.

My response back: Katarina Phang Ummm yea I get that but 2nd date! This what you teaching? (Honest question) Lol, not exactly what I was getting from readings...

Someone else chimed in and stated, Yeah I agree Anjelluvs... I’m kind of surprised a teacher assumes that all women or people are just looking for “sparks” for many of us we don’t want to share sexually until after there is a long and deep emotional commitment

-----
This thread got me to thinking about the double standards, but no I get it, I want a prospect all over me, but upon reading was all in MY emotions like no way would I do that as a woman. But men are innate sexual creatures from go... :Lol

Thanks @AnjelLuvs for responding. I don't think attraction should mean letting some dude show you his penis by date 2 or within 2 months, but I am old-fashioned. I agree with your response in purple.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

I can see both sides of a) he's not really interested or b) he is really trying to get to know her first.

It doesn't seem like he's totally lukewarm based on what's in the OP. And obviously making with a dude within 8 weeks isn't an indication of anything really.

I'm half he's not as interested as she is and half 2 months ain't that long.

If she was a he and he was a she, I do think the responses might be different.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I think its hard to grasp Katarina's teachings if you are not familiar with her overall message, which is to "do you". All the rules, game playing, and adhering to standards (that typically dont serve you) will keep you out of a healthy relationship.

She encourages women to give it up on the first date if they want to, and not do things because you've been told not to.

I used a different teacher before I got boo'ed up and realized that Katarina does makes sense...but only because im experiencing the benefits of what she is teaching in real time.

So yeah. Shes on the money even if it sounds counterintuitive.

Oh, and homeboy sound like he has a small penis or is frigid for some reason or another.Y'all are not reading between the lines.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Yeah it’s not the sex but the lack of physical intimacy at all. I met my SO in April and he was basically like the man in the OP. He said he wanted to wait to have sex because he rushed it before and it messed things up later. He wanted to focus on our emotional connection. Knowing his past, I understand why. But even though we weren’t sleeping together we’d hold hands, started kissing, and he’d be all over me on dates. When he moved into his new house we started fooling around. Now that we are having sex he can’t get enough lol.

Two months can be enough time to have sex but it doesn’t have to be. Some women need more time and others are ready before then. There should be some physical intimacy though. The lack of it is the red flag.

 

[intellectualuva]

I dont think its small penis or it's not JUST that. Those dudes will kiss you, make out, heavy petting...not completely shut down intimately. They want to draw you in to let you down. Hes got something else going on maybe in addition to his penis.

2nd date is fast to me. I've never met a man I felt inspired to sleep with that soon but good for them making it work.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

There is nothing wrong with this man wanting to wait. Whether you're a woman or a man, not everyone should have the privilege to sleep with you. (From a Christian perspective). He could be avoiding being soul tied to the wrong woman. A lot of times people end up in relationships after they sleep with each other, even if one of the parties wasn't even feeling the other person like that. Sex will make you want to be in a relationships with someone who should have never made it past hello. He sounds smart to me. However, on the other end of the spectrum, if this is not the case, you have to watch out for narcissistic men, too. There are narcissistic men, who are asexual. I had dated this one guy, and he had only had 7 partners in his life, at the age of 31 and he only had one sexual partner in the last two years. We attended the same church together. I asked him if it was because he was trying to do the right thing by God. He told me, "No. My stuff is too good to share with just anybody." When we finally did have sex, I felt like i was the only one in the relationship who wanted it. Come to find out he was a full blown narcissist. He went from always talking about how blessed he was to have me in his life to treating me like I didn't matter to him ( coincidentally after we had sex). After this situation, I decided to be celibate. Im not letting anyone else use my body and then change things up on me.

 

[SurferBabe]

I think its hard to grasp Katarina's teachings if you are not familiar with her overall message, which is to "do you". All the rules, game playing, and adhering to standards (that typically dont serve you) will keep you out of a healthy relationship.

Her dating philosophy is more applicable to women who value chemistry over more practical reasons to choose a mate-- that's why it seems so counterintuitive. Women who choose based on gut feeling don't vet or build a real connection during courtship. It's all a fairytale. They become emotionally attached early on and build a whole fantasy around the object of their affection. This is why when it comes to intimacy Kat's advice is to go with the flow. Intimacy happens when you want it to happen-- with no rules or agenda behind it. Once sex happens you'll quickly see his true colors beyond the veil. It's important for these women to go into the dating world with zero expectations and delusions because they are all based on a fantasy. They need their delusions shattered to get it. I was one of those women and this approach changed my dating life.

 

[C@ssandr@]

My response to post: I am sitting here reading comments like DANG! These people just giving their body away... How much do you know about someone in 2 months... :-/

Katarina Phang's response: Givng your body away???? You either are attracted or you are not. If you're lukewarm about someone that you have to think it over for 2 months and still not sure, let that person go!! You just don't have enough sparks for him. Sex naturally comes first before the mind starts shoulding everything under the sun.

My response back: Katarina Phang Ummm yea I get that but 2nd date! This what you teaching? (Honest question) Lol, not exactly what I was getting from readings...

Someone else chimed in and stated, Yeah I agree Anjelluvs... I’m kind of surprised a teacher assumes that all women or people are just looking for “sparks” for many of us we don’t want to share sexually until after there is a long and deep emotional commitment

-----
This thread got me to thinking about the double standards, but no I get it, I want a prospect all over me, but upon reading was all in MY emotions like no way would I do that as a woman. But men are innate sexual creatures from go... :Lol

What's funny about Katarina is that even though I think her teachings are on point, she's just not articulate in what she's trying to convey, and it doesn't help that she comes of as yelling at people (well, she does yell at people ). In her response to you she is basically pointing out your language. I'm going to elaborate for her...

1) You are not "giving your body away". Sex should be an equal exchange. When you sleep with a guy you should be doing so because you are feeling the vibe and actually want to. We need to get away from the mindset that sleeping with a guy is a win only for him. Umm, it is a win for the woman too, if you are dating correctly. It is only "giving your body away" if you don't want to sleep with him...and why would you be sleeping with him if you don't want to??

2) The 2nd date...umm hell yeah...if you want to. "When" you should sleep with a guy is a matter of personal choice. Katarina discourages rules around this (and I agree with her). If you want to sleep with him on the first date, go ahead. If you don't want to sleep with him early on then don't. It is simple as that. No, it really is.

2a) She as a lot of philosophical thoughts a round having sex early on. I haven't grasped them fully myself (but they don't apply to me, because I'm boo'ed up and we sexed on the 4th date anyway). She's encouraging you to do so because sex we're naturally sexual AND iit is a factor in compatibility. She will tell you straight up to seek therapy if you have hang ups around sex. Makes sense though. However, if you are a Christian, her teachings won't gel because her thoughts are Buddhist in nature. :shrug:


3) Here's where she can be really confusing. Her whole point is to go with the vibe and let go of expectations. This is very zen like. She is trying to tell you how to BE and to stop focusing on the DO. Do this on a date. Do that on a date. This is why she jumps in on the forum and keeps it short and yells at us. It's not about what, when, where, how. It is about being in the present moment. If you are completely present with yourself (BEing) then you will know what/how to DO in the moment.

4) As for the OP, the issue is not that he is waiting. It is a matter of his intentions. People are listening to his words but not paying attention to his actions. something seems off. It doesn't matter why, which is why Katarina did not address why he might really be holding out. (Did you notice that?). Her advice is most likely on point here. My two cents for the person who wrote this would be...if you don't want to hold out, and he does, then you are not compatible. It's not the worst thing in the world, just move on.

I know Its' tricky with all these coaches out here, but I realized hat when you choose one, it's best to go all in. The concepts are not easy to grasp if you are not listening to the right individual programs. Like I said earlier, her overall message is probably where one should focus.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

What's funny about Katarina is that even though I think her teachings are on point, she's just not articulate in what she's trying to convey, and it doesn't help that she comes of as yelling at people (well, she does yell at people ). In her response to you she is basically pointing out your language. I'm going to elaborate for her...

1) You are not "giving your body away". Sex should be an equal exchange. When you sleep with a guy you should be doing so because you are feeling the vibe and actually want to. We need to get away from the mindset that sleeping with a guy is a win only for him. Umm, it is a win for the woman too, if you are dating correctly. It is only "giving your body away" if you don't want to sleep with him...and why would you be sleeping with him if you don't want to??

2) The 2nd date...umm hell yeah...if you want to. "When" you should sleep with a guy is a matter of personal choice. Katarina discourages rules around this (and I agree with her). If you want to sleep with him on the first date, go ahead. If you don't want to sleep with him early on then don't. It is simple as that. No, it really is.

2a) She as a lot of philosophical thoughts a round having sex early on. I haven't grasped them fully myself (but they don't apply to me, because I'm boo'ed up and we sexed on the 4th date anyway). She's encouraging you to do so because sex we're naturally sexual AND iit is a factor in compatibility. She will tell you straight up to seek therapy if you have hang ups around sex. Makes sense though. However, if you are a Christian, her teachings won't gel because her thoughts are Buddhist in nature. :shrug:


3) Here's where she can be really confusing. Her whole point is to go with the vibe and let go of expectations. This is very zen like. She is trying to tell you how to BE and to stop focusing on the DO. Do this on a date. Do that on a date. This is why she jumps in on the forum and keeps it short and yells at us. It's not about what, when, where, how. It is about being in the present moment. If you are completely present with yourself (BEing) then you will know what/how to DO in the moment.

4) As for the OP, the issue is not that he is waiting. It is a matter of his intentions. People are listening to his words but not paying attention to his actions. something seems off. It doesn't matter why, which is why Katarina did not address why he might really be holding out. (Did you notice that?). Her advice is most likely on point here. My two cents for the person who wrote this would be...if you don't want to hold out, and he does, then you are not compatible. It's not the worst thing in the world, just move on.

I know Its' tricky with all these coaches out here, but I realized hat when you choose one, it's best to go all in. The concepts are not easy to grasp if you are not listening to the right individual programs. Like I said earlier, her overall message is probably where one should focus.

If only I could like this post like a thousand times... Thanks @c@ssandra for you view and breakdown... I am in a realm like will I ever get this part of life... I will probably read this over and over for rest of day. What coach did you use if you dont mind me asking?

 

[TinyBlu]

Wow so 8 weeks is a long time I'm old and out of touch obviously.

That's what I said. I must be old fashioned too. Contrary to popular belief, there ARE men out there that are emotional and want more than a physical connection. This man is in his 40's, so he's most likely learned to discipline himself and not jump at every you-know-what he sniffs out. These days, sex is NOT hard to get, so I would be intrigued by a guy that actually wants to wait.

Have you had "THE CONVERSATION?" Have you determined that you want the same things? If he's looking for wife material, he may really be taking his time.

Do you enjoy each other's company? Does he want a heterosexual relationship? Have you been friend zoned?

Be honest about your feelings. Does his waiting make you feel rejected? unwanted? sexually frustrated? TELL HIM!!

Sex can be a part of intimacy, but you can be intimate with someone without having sex. Honest communication is the start of true intimacy.

...and I know guys that did the same thing as this one. When they got serious about finding wifey, they didn't engage in "heavy petting" either because:
1) They wouldn't be able to stop after a certain point
2) You can still connect with someone doing the "extras". A lot of people categorize sex as putting part A into part B. That leaves a LOT open that can still release those connection hormones (especially in women)

Finally, are you exclusive? If you're not getting what you want physically from him, are you open to entertaining others for the "pleasure part" until you lock something down (though I doubt this guy would go for that if he's truly serious).

There's a lot of moving pieces here, and we can speculate until the cows come home. The best thing to do is just talk it out, and if you can't / aren't willing to wait. Move on. There are plenty of guys that aren't like this one (but may hit it and quit it)... just sayin

 

[C@ssandr@]

If oly I could like this post like a thousand times... Thanks @c@ssandra for you view and breakdown... I am in a realm like will I ever get this part of life... I will probably read this over and over for rest of day. What coach did you use if you dont mind me asking?

I used Angelisa Almanzar. All Heart Coaching ( I think that's the company name.)

I believe you can get it. Angelisa and Katarina are both about embodying our feminine energy. It already exists for you, it's simply a matter of stepping into it. It's not about getting it right. If I had to sum it up personally, it's about embracing and being who you really are. Even if you have masculine traits (which is my case) you still have plenty of feminine energy. It's just a matter of how you harness it.

It really starts in the mental realm though. Maybe using positive mantras can help before you dish out money to get more help?