Old widows and dating...how do you feel?

[TayMac]

So my grandmother has been gone for almost 18months. Married to my grandfather for over 50 years. He has been seeing a lady for around 4 or 5 months I think. My mom does NOT like it at all for multiple reasons.

1. This particular lady gives off a bad vibe to her
2. He has been a little secretive about it
3. Grandma hasn't been deceased long

Also we are having a mothers day gathering and when she spoke to him, it sounded to her like he planned to bring his lady friend (that's what they been calling her lol). They came to another family event weeks ago.

Since he have been secretive she didn't out right ask My mom feels it to be disrespectful if he would bring her.

My opinion is mind your business. He is in his 80s. As long as he not changing the will and his financials don't be concerned.

What do you all think? Have you dealt with this in your family?

 

[PretteePlease]

1. does she have reason for the bad vibe?

2. does he have reason are people sending his new relationship bad vibes?

3. how long does she need to be gone? he was married for 50yrs he is used to having someone around. when people are married forever like that they often die in close proximity. be glad he is still around

I'm on team mind your business unless that lady is a black widow!

 

[Krullete]

Re: Old WIDOWERS and dating...how do you feel?

Is this a case of a widower dating a widow?

 

[faithVA]

Maybe your mom hasn't fully healed yet and is feeling she is being disloyal to her mom is she accepts the new woman. Just a thought.

And I think being secretive for the father isn't that unusual. After 50 years this is brand new to him too. But I love that he found someone to share his time with.

If your mom has feelings about it I think she should just talk to dad about it. It's not her business, but I think people do better getting things out in the open. Um, yeah, they are both grown adults. Real grown

 

[Krullete]

So my grandmother has been gone for almost 18months. Married to my grandfather for over 50 years. He has been seeing a lady for around 4 or 5 months I think. My mom does NOT like it at all for multiple reasons.

1. This particular lady gives off a bad vibe to her
2. He has been a little secretive about it
3. Grandma hasn't been deceased long

Also we are having a mothers day gathering and when she spoke to him, it sounded to her like he planned to bring his lady friend (that's what they been calling her lol). They came to another family event weeks ago.

Since he have been secretive she didn't out right ask My mom feels it to be disrespectful if he would bring her.

My opinion is mind your business. He is in his 80s. As long as he not changing the will and his financials don't be concerned.

What do you all think? Have you dealt with this in your family?

At his age, he cannot afford to wait much longer. He has more than honored a 'decent' period for mourning his deceased wife. I dare say, 12 months would be sufficient when one is so far up in years.

 

[auparavant]

Finances aside, people like companionship whether 20 or 80. He's lonely. Your mother might be reacting because her mother is gone. He's secretive because he knows you all are going to be against it.


BTW, how old his is lady friend?

 

[TayMac]

My mother feels like this lady was scoping him out during my grandmothers sickness (alzheimers). They are both involved in the church. This lady is related to the new pastor of his church and my grandad isn't fond of him.


Love my granddad but he was messy in the past. He has two daughters with same first name...1 within the marriage and 1 before the marriage that he kept secret.

My mom is the baby of the siblings.

 

[caltron]

I am dealing with this now when my mom passed. It is very difficult for adult children to accept it when their parent moves on to date, especially if the parents had a long and happy marriage. I had a hard time at first too, but I came to be thankful that my dad had found happiness again and that I wouldn't have to worry about his being alone. The grieving process is different for adult children than it is for the parent who has just lost their spouse. The parent has lost someone that is an integral part of their everyday life and has to find a way to rebuild that, while the adult child has a tendency to want to cling to the past and the former family structure.

I doesn't sound like there is much reason for your mom to be concerned about your grandfather or his new lady friend. Grandpa is grown and has a right to have a life and your mom will have to accept that. While 18 months doesn't seem like a long time to your mom, Grandpa is eighty, and people that age are very aware of their mortality. They don't have a lot of time to wait around.

When my dad first started dating again, my husband was very helpful in getting me to accept it, and I don't think I could have gotten to that place without his help. He was very good at allowing me to grieve for my mother, but at the same time, gently reminding me that my mom was not going to come back and my dad needed to feel like he could move on with his life.

 

[curlie rae]

Maybe your mom hasn't fully healed yet and is feeling she is being disloyal to her mom is she accepts the new woman. Just a thought

At his age, he cannot afford to wait much longer.

I say let grandpa be great……..and happy. My grandfather remarried in his 70's to a woman that was 10 years younger than him. She made it clear to the family that she was not interested in co-mingling finances etc. She was a great companion for my grandfather. She passed before my grandpa and we were her primary caretakers while she was sick. I hope that should I find myself widowed, I can find a companion to spend my final years with.

 

[yardyspice]

Widows try to settle down quickly after their wives die if they had a happy marriage because they want to re-create what they had. As long as this woman is making him happy and his assets are protected, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[TayMac]

Is this a case of a widower dating a widow?

I'm not sure if she is a widow.

Finances aside, people like companionship whether 20 or 80. He's lonely. Your mother might be reacting because her mother is gone. He's secretive because he knows you all are going to be against it.

BTW, how old his is lady friend?

She is probably late 70s. He is 82 or so.

 

[JayAnn0513]

My mother feels like this lady was scoping him out during my grandmothers sickness (alzheimers). They are both involved in the church. This lady is related to the new pastor of his church and my grandad isn't fond of him.

Love my granddad but he was messy in the past. He has two daughters with same first name...1 within the marriage and 1 before the marriage that he kept secret.

My mom is the baby of the siblings.

The lady scoping him out before hand is normal and I don't see an issue with it. My great grandpa Names 2 sets of his kids the same names, lol. My grandma and her sister, then 2 more from a different woman.

 

[TayMac]

Well I don't have a problem so far. I just don't know if she is at the Mothers day family gathering...it could be a small scene.

My mom is the type that take everything personal.

 

[lovenharmony]

I say go for it! You're never too old to find romance or have some fun!

 

[JayAnn0513]

Well I don't have a problem so far. I just don't know if she is at the Mothers day family gathering...it could be a small scene.

My mom is the type that take everything personal.

Well can one of the other sibling suggest to him that it's not a good idea to bring her?

 

[mzteaze]

There really is no reason why he CAN'T date someone else. He is a widower (unmarried now) and an adult. His age shouldn't really be an issue here.

 

[ThickHair]

I say let Paw Paw have fun with his lady friend. It's not like he is going to get her pregnant.

 

[ladysaraii]

I understand. I dont have a problem with him dating, but I would feel some type of way about him bringing her to the mother's day celebration. If it was father's day, fine, she's his date, but especially the first meeting does not need to be at a Mother's Day brunch, especially if your mom feels some type of way about it

 

[naturalmanenyc]

She needs to think about her dad more so than herself. He lost his longtime companion and, in fact, due to her illness he probably lost his wife well prior to her death.

I am team mind your business unless the woman proves to be shady.

We had a similar experience, long-term happy marriage and the man remarried quickly. The woman definitely was scoping him out while the wife was ill. The wife knew it and confronted the woman.

He lived up to his vows. Had she lived they would still be married. He said it and I truly believe him.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

TayMac - I'm going to PM you.

 

[TayMac]

Well can one of the other sibling suggest to him that it's not a good idea to bring her?

I doubt that any others would. My uncle is fine with it all.

I say let Paw Paw have fun with his lady friend. It's not like he is going to get her pregnant.

No no no lol! I will not say such to my mom to put that image in her mind.

My mom have been divorced a long time and they didn't encourage/support her to remarry (was 26) and she hasnt. She is kinda salty but I can't bring that up to her.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

well, with reference to the uncle saying anything...men stick together on things like this...they don't look at it the way we do.

 

[ThickHair]

I am team mind your business unless the woman proves to be shady.

The thing about that is, if family members want to find shady business they will dig and dig until they find out that she didn't return a library book after the Korean War. Then say, she I told you she was shady.

This poor lady can not win for losing especially if more than OP mother is already giving her the snake eye.

My mom have been divorced a long time and they didn't encourage/support her to remarry (was 26) and she hasnt. She is kinda salty but I can't bring that up to her.

What does one have to do with the other? Your mother should have addressed that when everything went down. Why now?? That is not fair.

I am still Team Paw Paw get his freak on.

 

[TayMac]

well, with reference to the uncle saying anything...men stick together on things like this...they don't look at it the way we do.

Definitely. He just tell her she is overreacting.

 

[lonelysky]

My mom have been divorced a long time and they didn't encourage/support her to remarry (was 26) and she hasnt. She is kinda salty but I can't bring that up to her.

Let me make sure I understand this correctly: are you saying that your mom is salty because her parents discouraged her from remarriage after her divorce?

Could she possibly be a little upset because she feels like its hypocritical? I wouldn't call it that, but when you're still carrying salt from a previous situation, it can cloud judgement.

I'm on team mind your business. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing. And this isn't the first mothers day after your Grandma's passing, so I don't think it would be offensive for him to bring a date.

Really, I think that your mom is still healing from your Grandma's death and this has also rubbed past wounds raw. It sounds like she still has trust issues due to the half sibling revelation.

His being secretive doesn't surprise me, nor does it make me suspicious. He's probably just bashful about everything.

We go hard on these Innanets

 

[TayMac]

Let me make sure I understand this correctly: are you saying that your mom is salty because her parents discouraged her from remarriage after her divorce?

Could she possibly be a little upset because she feels like its hypocritical? I wouldn't call it that, but when you're still carrying salt from a previous situation, it can cloud judgement.

I'm on team mind your business. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing. And this isn't the first mothers day after your Grandma's passing, so I don't think it would be offensive for him to bring a date.

Really, I think that your mom is still healing from your Grandma's death and this has also rubbed past wounds raw. It sounds like she still has trust issues due to the half sibling revelation.

His being secretive doesn't surprise me, nor does it make me suspicious. He's probably just bashful about everything.

We go hard on these Innanets

You are exactly right. She feels it to be hypocritical among other things. I can't tell her to get over that past...that will have to come from her sister or some other peers.

She wanted him to come to her and say I'm going to be dating. I don't think that is realistic for this situation.

So we will see what happens on Sunday.

 

[Jazala]

Don't understand why family would try to prevent her from coming. It's a good thing if your granddad and she wants to be around the family so they can get to know her better.