"Nice hair for a black girl"

[seeminglysweet]

The conversation started out with her asking me about doing hot oil treatments with olive oil, because a former hairstylist that works in our office told her that her hair was brassy and needed a good trim and a couple months of intensive deep conditioning.

I let her try some Elucence MB and she likes it but that is not a deep conditioner.

She asked me for all of my "tricks" for hair/beauty and I told her I didn't have any tricks, I just do what works for me. This is when she said "nooo you have to have tricks....how come you have such nice hair for a black girl?"

We are friends at work and I didn't take offense to her comment because I know she wasn't being malicious but it's just eye opening to hear something like that said outloud.

It makes you think that as a whole, they feel we don't have "nice" hair.

 

[esoterica]

pretty much. i had an italian girl i worked with say to me "you're the first black girl i've seen with normal hair". she obviously couldnt tell that it was a weave. most of the relaxed heads i see are pretty jacked up and i know its not just me that has eyes to see it. thats why im hiding out until 2007. dont wanna add to the statistics! lol


this weekend i got told by another girl that theres not many people with dark skin as good looking as me. she really thought she was complimenting me.

me: i met a guy once that didnt believe me that i was born in _____.
her: oh, well theres not many people with dark skin who are as pretty as you so thats probably why he didnt believe you.

 

[nurseN98]

See I just don't have that kinda patience. That's why the Lord doesn't put me in those situations where ppl say things like that

 

[sugaplum]

My co-worker (who's Jewish) complimented me on my natural hair (it's thick and bushy). She wanted to feel it. She said it felt like "Lambs Wool. " It was funny to me but I also felt it was a compliment becuase Jesus too had hair like Lambs Wool.

 

[PaperClip]

Here comes another unpopular post.... Not meant to offend.... but to offer a different perspective....

It seems like these kinds of posts seem to serve as backhanded shout-outs for a person's own hair.... It's like a person is never satisfied...either somebody is hating on the hair or challenging the person's ethnicity, racial consciousness or pride, etc., or when someone asks "is that a weave", that's an offensive question. If it's not ok to ask about the hair, there's a VERY EASY way to do this: when someone asks about your hair, then just say "I don't discuss my hair" and move on. That will shut the convo down real quick and folks with get the message to stay out of your hair business.

I guess what I'm saying or asking is what's the point? Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

OP, I'm not speaking to you personally; I'm using it in the general form....

 

[ART11]

It makes you think that as a whole, they feel we don't have "nice" hair.

As a WHOLE, we don't. That's why we corner the weave market. I mean, we have a really nice thing going on here at LHCF but I definitely do not see much hair like I see in this forum in the gen pop. Why pretend? erplexed

 

[Caramela]

I think we all know our hair is fine as is. What stinks is the assbackwards thinking of other people. Wether they are intentionally or unintentionally being offensive, they believe they are justified in saying what they're saying.
Perhaps I got a different message out of the posts, but I don't think the problem lies in the individuals' hair, but rather the assinine comments made by the offending party.
I have had my share of stupid comments. And while I want hair attention, that doesn't mean that I want it in any form I can get it.
Personally, I'd much rather have, "Wow, your hair is very pretty"... than to have something derogatory tagged onto the end of it.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

RelaxerRehab I'd hate to say it...but i agree with you 100%. I do think that everyone had the right to be mad that somebody said this to them. BUT my personal opinion is that I am not that sensitive. but of course, to each his own... I think these particular comments may have been offensive, but i think sometimes ladies are being a little mellowdramatic when they post and are like 'like oh my gawd..this lady asked me if my hair was a weave...i'm so totally upset' Or 'some lady wanted to touch my hair...how dare she'!! I mean come on..was it really that bad? or were you really flattered and just wanted to share the joy? i just dont get it. I'm waiting for the moment when someone tells me that my hair looks like a weave....I just might grab that person and plant a big ole kiss on their cheek and squeeze them reeeeeal tight...

Here comes another unpopular post.... Not meant to offend.... but to offer a different perspective....

It seems like these kinds of posts seem to serve as backhanded shout-outs for a person's own hair.... It's like a person is never satisfied...either somebody is hating on the hair or challenging the person's ethnicity, racial consciousness or pride, etc., or when someone asks "is that a weave", that's an offensive question. If it's not ok to ask about the hair, there's a VERY EASY way to do this: when someone asks about your hair, then just say "I don't discuss my hair" and move on. That will shut the convo down real quick and folks with get the message to stay out of your hair business.

I guess what I'm saying or asking is what's the point? Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

OP, I'm not speaking to you personally; I'm using it in the general form....

 

[brownhaired_bonanza]

RelaxerRehab I'd hate to say it...but i agree with you 100%. I do think that everyone had the right to be mad that somebody said this to them. BUT my personal opinion is that I am not that sensitive. but of course, to each his own... I think these particular comments may have been offensive, but i think sometimes ladies are being a little mellowdramatic when they post and are like 'like oh my gawd..this lady asked me if my hair was a weave...i'm so totally upset' Or 'some lady wanted to touch my hair...how dare she'!! I mean come on..was it really that bad? or were you really flattered and just wanted to share the joy? i just dont get it. I'm waiting for the moment when someone tells me that my hair looks like a weave....I just might grab that person and plant a big ole kiss on their cheek and squeeze them reeeeeal tight...

I totally agree with your comment 110%. I'm not at all sensitive about my hair as others are. If someone thinks/says my hair looks like a weave, hey, I'm taking it as a compliement! Face it ladies, there's some pretty tight lookin' weaves out there. If my hair looks good enough to buy, I'm doing okay. While i might be a little suprised if someone wanted to touch my hair, I wouldn't mind at all. Touch on baby- it ain't coming out!

 

[Lynnerie]

Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

I don't think people are looking for sympathy, I think this website also serves as a place for us to vent when others make simple comments about our hair. Yes they are backhanded compliments but I don't think anybody wants negative attention. People want positive attention regarding their hair. Someone saying your hair is nice and then asking are you mixed is a backhanded compliment. Like you must be mixed because your hair is pretty. So for all you ladies who have received an ignorant comment I feel ya pain. I have had people ask me if I had tracks cause my hair is thick.

 

[Wishin4BSL]

RelaxerRehab I'd hate to say it...but i agree with you 100%. I do think that everyone had the right to be mad that somebody said this to them. BUT my personal opinion is that I am not that sensitive. but of course, to each his own... I think these particular comments may have been offensive, but i think sometimes ladies are being a little mellowdramatic when they post and are like 'like oh my gawd..this lady asked me if my hair was a weave...i'm so totally upset' Or 'some lady wanted to touch my hair...how dare she'!! I mean come on..was it really that bad? or were you really flattered and just wanted to share the joy? i just dont get it. I'm waiting for the moment when someone tells me that my hair looks like a weave....I just might grab that person and plant a big ole kiss on their cheek and squeeze them reeeeeal tight...

I would be flattered! When I get one of those comments, I'm plastering it ALL over LHCF, but I have a looong way to get there!!

 

[PaperClip]

RelaxerRehab I'd hate to say it...but i agree with you 100%. I do think that everyone had the right to be mad that somebody said this to them. BUT my personal opinion is that I am not that sensitive. but of course, to each his own... I think these particular comments may have been offensive, but i think sometimes ladies are being a little mellowdramatic when they post and are like 'like oh my gawd..this lady asked me if my hair was a weave...i'm so totally upset' Or 'some lady wanted to touch my hair...how dare she'!! I mean come on..was it really that bad? or were you really flattered and just wanted to share the joy? i just dont get it. I'm waiting for the moment when someone tells me that my hair looks like a weave....I just might grab that person and plant a big ole kiss on their cheek and squeeze them reeeeeal tight...

I'm always grateful to be understood.... (and it's a bonus that you agree!) You said it better than I did.... And just to add that this does not apply to seriously offensive/derogatory remarks OR actual touching of the hair. Such actions are considered intimidation and assault and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (the law of the land and the law of the street, meaning that you could tag somebody right back if they tresspass on your person.... I would encourage you to "work that all the way out! )

 

[zora]

As a WHOLE, we don't. That's why we corner the weave market. I mean, we have a really nice thing going on here at LHCF but I definitely do not see much hair like I see in this forum in the gen pop. Why pretend? erplexed

erplexed Excuse me? Speak for yourself and your family. The reason why this forum exists is because there's a lot of misinformation (i.e. we can't put water on our hair ), not because we don't have nice hair as a whole.

 

[dynamic1]

Here comes another unpopular post.... Not meant to offend.... but to offer a different perspective....

It seems like these kinds of posts seem to serve as backhanded shout-outs for a person's own hair.... It's like a person is never satisfied...either somebody is hating on the hair or challenging the person's ethnicity, racial consciousness or pride, etc., or when someone asks "is that a weave", that's an offensive question. If it's not ok to ask about the hair, there's a VERY EASY way to do this: when someone asks about your hair, then just say "I don't discuss my hair" and move on. That will shut the convo down real quick and folks with get the message to stay out of your hair business.

I guess what I'm saying or asking is what's the point? Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

OP, I'm not speaking to you personally; I'm using it in the general form....

We sometimes vent our frustrations on LHCF. After all, who else will understand? Compliments are great, but these are insults. Sometimes people disguise insults as compliments. I borrowed this term from another poster but I am sure we could call this “slick bashing.” It is like saying, "what a nice outfit, I did not know you had taste!" I have attempted to stay away from certain conversations when dealing with people who are not very close to me (hair, weight, lifestyle, hobbies, etc). Unfortunately, you cannot always stop people from offering backhanded complements.

I do not think the posters sharing this info are giving themselves under cover shout outs!

 

[zora]

I totally agree with your comment 110%. I'm not at all sensitive about my hair as others are. If someone thinks/says my hair looks like a weave, hey, I'm taking it as a compliement! Face it ladies, there's some pretty tight lookin' weaves out there. If my hair looks good enough to buy, I'm doing okay. While i might be a little suprised if someone wanted to touch my hair, I wouldn't mind at all. Touch on baby- it ain't coming out!

Personally, I don't like when people touch my hair. So I would rant about it.

 

[PaperClip]

I don't think people are looking for sympathy, I think this website also serves as a place for us to vent when others make simple comments about our hair. Yes they are backhanded compliments but I don't think anybody wants negative attention. People want positive attention regarding their hair. Someone saying your hair is nice and then asking are you mixed is a backhanded compliment. Like you must be mixed because your hair is pretty. So for all you ladies who have received an ignorant comment I feel ya pain. I have had people ask me if I had tracks cause my hair is thick.

I hear what you're saying.... And I recognize that we are all different and have different degrees of sensitivity, so a question like "are you mixed because your hair is pretty" might not offend me but it might be very offensive to somebody else. I would encourage somebody who hears that remark to "turn it around" and make it a "teachable moment".... It's the "burden of enlightenment", if you will.... When somebody sees something successful that wasn't expected: like long hair on a black female, people are gonna ask questions. People are going to challenge. People are going to call you out. So now what? What's with the whining? (And I get that this forum is a healthy spot to vent. That's alright!) But maybe I'm saying there should be less pissin' and moanin' and more swingin' and sashaying (since this is mainly a relaxed sistah phenomenon we're talking about in this particular thread! )

And I'm sure the natural sistahs get similar questions but maybe they (we) don't talk about it as much (Shrug!) I'll be shoutin' for joy when I get one of those remarks! Is that a texturizer? How did you get your hair like that? Did you use fruits and berries (a la Coming to America?!)

Peace!

 

[seeminglysweet]

Im not sensitive at all about my hair, which is why I didn't take offense to the comment she made. The only thing I hate is when someone touches my hair without asking. I will let my co-worker reach in and touch my new growth if she is curious and asking questions about the differences in black hair.

I sort of agree with Renee that there are a lot of us walking around with jacked up hair and that can be discouraging for us, and confusing to those outside of our race that only see those individuals, but I won't go so far as to say as a whole our culture does not have nice hair.

I also don't think that posters on LHCF are sercretly seeking compliments. It's easy enough to just make a post saying "hey look at my hair" because thats the nature of the forum. I more so think that many people compliment someone's hair because they don't necessarily have anything else to add to the post.

 

[Denim And Leather]

I have to agree with Relaxer Rehab, Mizani Mrs and Renee.

First, I'd like to say that I used to be sensitive about the weave question. Now I, too look forward to the day when someone will ask me if my hair's a weave, so I can smile like this and say NO! I might make a thread about it, too

Second, I don't believe when people say things like "you have nice hair for a black girl" is an intentional insult, the person could very well be genuine in their remark. For me, it's counterproductive to dwell on these type of remarks anyway.

While there are a lot of black women out there (this board is a great example) with beautiful, long hair, there are also a lot of black women out there with jacked up hair, jacked up weaves, etc., and there seems to be more of the latter as opposed to the former. The fact that there are so many black female entertainers who wear a weave doesn't help, either.

Now if someone reaches out to touch my hair (if they're a total stranger that is), I can understand how some people don't like that, because to me, that is rude.

ETA- Just also wanted to say that I don't think everyone who complains about these type of remarks is looking for affirmation, etc., I do believe some just really do want to vent.

It is what it is. When you're black with nice, long hair, people (black or white) will make comments that might offend (depending on the person's sensibilites.)

 

[Denim And Leather]

I hear what you're saying.... And I recognize that we are all different and have different degrees of sensitivity, so a question like "are you mixed because your hair is pretty" might not offend me but it might be very offensive to somebody else. I would encourage somebody who hears that remark to "turn it around" and make it a "teachable moment".... It's the "burden of enlightenment", if you will.... When somebody sees something successful that wasn't expected: like long hair on a black female, people are gonna ask questions. People are going to challenge. People are going to call you out. So now what? What's with the whining? (And I get that this forum is a healthy spot to vent. That's alright!) But maybe I'm saying there should be less pissin' and moanin' and more swingin' and sashaying (since this is mainly a relaxed sistah phenomenon we're talking about in this particular thread! )

And I'm sure the natural sistahs get similar questions but maybe they (we) don't talk about it as much (Shrug!) I'll be shoutin' for joy when I get one of those remarks! Is that a texturizer? How did you get your hair like that? Did you use fruits and berries (a la Coming to America?!)

Peace!

Totally agree with you on this as well, Relaxer Rehab. You make some great points.

 

[Ms_Twana]

I don't think people are looking for sympathy, I think this website also serves as a place for us to vent when others make simple comments about our hair. Yes they are backhanded compliments but I don't think anybody wants negative attention. People want positive attention regarding their hair. Someone saying your hair is nice and then asking are you mixed is a backhanded compliment. Like you must be mixed because your hair is pretty. So for all you ladies who have received an ignorant comment I feel ya pain. I have had people ask me if I had tracks cause my hair is thick.

I'm with you. This ended up taking a completely different turn.

I would be EXTREMELY offended if someone told me I had nice hair for a black girl. What the heck does that mean??? And that's probably what would have come out of my mouth except with other words. I probably wouldn't have been offended if it was someone I worked with and had a good relationship with, though. I mean, that's simply because I've worked with those of other races and a couple of us joked all the time about stereotypes and color. For example, one white girl that I work with has a "black girl shape." So I mess with her all the time about her black girl butt. I know that there are several black girls that don't have a big butt; as well as there are several non-blacks girls with a big butt. However, I mess with her like that.

However, I do feel that a lot of the things said in a joking manner are the actual beliefs of that person. So, the people making those comments may have been "joking" around, but more than likely, they probably believe everything they said.

 

[Saida]

As a WHOLE, we don't. That's why we corner the weave market. I mean, we have a really nice thing going on here at LHCF but I definitely do not see much hair like I see in this forum in the gen pop. Why pretend? erplexed

I dont agree with that at all sister. we DO have nice hair, most just dont know how to take care of it, believe me there are some white girls with bad hair as well, i would never prefer their hair over ours, and I do ask some white girls if they wear a wear because some of them do, especially in denmark, there were like 4 people in my class with a weave and I was not one of them plus i was the only black girl in the entire school. thank you very much, but dont get fooled into thinking they were blessed with the hair, we all have diffrent types of hair, its how you take care of it that brings the out come, and yes sorry to say it but most of our people dont know how to take care of it because they have been living around white people. now IM originaly from kenya, go there and you can count the people with bad hair trust me, they know how to deal with their hair.
so this board is not the first place where ive seen black woman with nice hair.

 

[Curlee_lurker]

Eh...I'd take it as someone that may have just been ignorant. There are black people that say the same thing to me, so why would I be more angry with a white person that really shouldn't know any better?

I've had more black people walk up and put their hands in my hair than any other race (this is about a once a week occurrence for me and I'm pretty much over it at this point if it's a gentle stroking rather than an aggressive tug). And I've had more black women insist that my hair was a weave, when it isn't. One lady went so far as to question my friends when I went to the bathroom, interrogating them as to where I'd purchased it and how she could get a wig like mine too.

If my own people won't accept my hair (or theirs) why should I expect someone who basically has no knowledge of it at all to act any differently?

 

[Southernbella.]

"Nice hair" is a relative term. I don't see a ton of women PERIOD in my everyday life with nice hair, black or white. At least, what I consider nice hair.

OP, I understand what you're saying. I don't take that kind of thing as a compliment either, including asking if my hair is a weave. She could have just told you your hair is beautiful (and it really is ) and called it a day. Why she took it further, I have no idea.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I'm not sure that i agree that these are 'backhanded' compliments. Well my definition of a backhanded compliment is a person trying to be slick and attempting to PURPOSELY hurt you while concealing it in a compliment. that person must be ATTEMPTING to hurt you in a nice manner. I had a close girlfriend that LOVED to give me backhanded compliments...it was so funny cause i was so above her level i just always laughed it off... In these situations mentioned, I think these compliments are by people who are clueless that they are offensive, they by no means mean to offend you, they are just trying to pay u a compliment. perhaps i am being naive....maybe i'll understand when it happens to me...somebody pleeeeease tell me that my hair looks like a weave...pleeeeease.... no but seriously u get the point...there was no malicious intent, therefore there was no backhanded comment, only an ignorant comment which warrants an opportunity for u to teach them. I think we can come here and LAUGH at it, but come on now...there is no reason to be mad about it. that is overly dramatic...

 

[Cheleigh]

I'm not sure that i agree that these are 'backhanded' compliments.

I think I see your point. I'm not so sure it was a backhanded compliment so much of an insult to all of us other black women "who don't have nice hair." Even when someone says "your hair looks like a weave," it sounds to me more of an insult to black women generally--in that only through weaves can we achieve fabulous looking hair. When I went to buy my own fake ponytail a few weeks ago, the place was teeming with people getting hair for braids, weaves, ponytails...

If I were just looking anecdotally in my own city (with a significant black population), I would think that most black women use human or synthetic weave, phony ponys, and hair extensions. It seems like A LOT of black women are wearing hair they did not grow out of their own head in my city of nearly 400,000, especially if you include braid extensions. Now we on hair boards all know that someone can be using fake hair as a protective style, as another styling option, etc., and I believe that the marjority of black women probably have "nice hair," but IRL, most folks think people wear fake hair because their own hair is jacked up and they're hiding that fact.

 

[Priss Pot]

All I have to say is that LHCF is the only place where I can vent about my hair troubles and be understood. If I want to vent, then I will vent, and if anyone thinks that it's just a way for me to get "affirmation," then you don't have to post anything. I've had a few ignorant comments made to me before without having to post them, but if something really pisses me off, then I will vent about it, because I feel that you ladies will understand me when no one else will.

Seeminglysweet, I too would be insulted if someone made that comment to me. I get insulting comments about my weight, "you're so pretty to be big," "you're too pretty, you don't need to look like that," "you have the most gorgeous face, if you lost weight, your daddy would have to fight them boys off ya".............yeah, I get tired of those comments too, so I know what you mean.

 

[PaperClip]

All I have to say is that LHCF is the only place where I can vent about my hair troubles and be understood. If I want to vent, then I will vent, and if anyone thinks that it's just a way for me to get "affirmation," then you don't have to post anything. I've had a few ignorant comments made to me before without having to post them, but if something really pisses me off, then I will vent about it, because I feel that you ladies will understand me when no one else will.

Seeminglysweet, I too would be insulted if someone made that comment to me. I get insulting comments about my weight, "you're so pretty to be big," "you're too pretty, you don't need to look like that," "you have the most gorgeous face, if you lost weight, your daddy would have to fight them boys off ya".............yeah, I get tired of those comments too, so I know what you mean.

Respectfully, my responses address the words in bold.
I acknowledged this board as a healthy place to vent. And just like that freedom to vent, there's the freedom to respond to the vent. I don't believe it is necessary to discourage posting. I made my inquiry out of sincere curiousity and the range of responses have been insightful to the point to where I have a better understanding about how people feel. I may not necessarily concur with those feelings or that maybe some of the vents are a "teensy bit melodramatic" (touching index finger and thumb), I appreciate the insight because it helps me to have more compassion, relatively speaking.

With regard to the insulting comments about the weight, I get the same comments as well. And you know what? I'll probably get comments after I lose the excess weight as well. So we go from "What a pretty face" to "wow! How'd you lose all that weight? How much did you lose? Did you get that gastric bypass surgery?" And sure, I may feel the need to post and say, "Dang, somebody asked me if I got that stomach surgery! What kinda mess is that!?!?" And hopefully I will recognize it wasn't that big a deal and I will laugh it off because I'm happy that the excess weight is out of my life.

I guess my foundational point is this: we cannot know or control what other people think or say about our hair, weight, whatever. So I'm gently encouraging that we reframe such conversations to either shut them down completely if they cause offense or turn the question back on the person (not in an offensive way) and make it a teachable moment, ESPECIALLY if they have hair issues.

For those that choose to have healthy hair, people are going to ask. It's the burden of enlightenment.

 

[Priss Pot]

I understand, but it's just that the original post was about someone making a very ignorant comment regarding someone having nice hair for a black girl. If I made a thread like this then I wouldn't really want the topic to get "out of hand and off topic." I understand with people disagreeing with a thread and posting their opinions, but pretty soon, those opinions become full-fledged discussions that weren't intended with the topic at hand. That's all I meant when I said that no one has to post if they feel that I'm only looking for affirmation, because those comments usually lead to other discussions, which will get heated, and then the thread will get shut down....that's all. No hard feelings.

 

[dynamic1]

maybe i'll understand when it happens to me...somebody pleeeeease tell me that my hair looks like a weave...pleeeeease.... ...there is no reason to be mad about it. that is overly dramatic...

My mom always told me, 'Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true. What you get is always more than you bargained for!"
But I don't think the OP indicated she was angry, but simply described the situation.

Personally, the weave comments get old real fast. On days when your hair isn't looking particularly glorious and someones cries weave, it's irritating. You realize that it's not because it looks good, but because they believe the stereotype. "It can't be hers, black women don't have hair like that." In my experience, the weave comments usually precede attempted and unwanted touching.

Disclaimer: I am not looking for affirmation. If I wanted some, I would post some pics.

 

[Southernbella.]

Disclaimer: I am not looking for affirmation. If I wanted some, I would post some pics.