Never Settle Challenge: Step 1 - Know What You Want

[Syrah]

Know What You Want.

I'm on the phone last night with new dude and we're talking and he asks me, "tell me something you want from a man". And a zillion things went through my mind (an Aston Martin like James Bond drives, good sex, loyalty, support, jewelry). I was silent a few seconds, and he said "seriously...something that you think will be difficult to find. Something that people have consistently failed at in the past" (hello Fico!).

And I realized - these are the things that deep down, we're so afraid to ask for because they're the most difficult to "attain". Sure, Ms. Christian - we know you want a man who has a good relationship with God. That's easy. The hard part is in defining that relationship and how it will fit into your COLLECTIVE relationship. Sure, Ms. Education - we know you want a man with a college degree (or equitable work experience). That's easy. The hard part is in defining how education plays a larger role in his ambition and your collective ambition will play a role in your relationship. Sure, Ms. HomeOwner, we know you want a man thats got good credit. That's easy to determine (I didn't say find). What's difficult is determining his financial goals and figuring out how your collective financial goals will play a role in your relationship.

And it is these things that are difficult to articulate and even more difficult to find that we are so quick to settle on because "hey, who knows if its out there".

So I'm asking the question - what are those "difficult" things that you want? Not physical characteristics, but those quality-of-life things that are central to who you are and what you want in the long term. Things that you would like to exist, that you can help to build on top of, not things that you have to indoctrinate in someone else. "Pre-existing conditions"...

 

[nappystorm]

I realized this a few months ago. So I made a list of what was important to me, what type of lifestyle I wanted, things to do before I'm 30, and what I wanted in a man. This has made the weeding out process much easier.

Great Post!
Now what's step 2...?

 

[Syrah]

Two things that are important to me:

Consistency: I need you to do what you say and say what you do and do this consistently and constantly. DO NOT tell me what you think I want to hear even though you have no intention on following through because the disappointment of your inaction will be much harder on me.

Adaptability/Flexibility (really a confidence thing): I need you to have the self confidence to find comfort in any social and professional situation. And along with that, I need you to know when to play your position - when to lead and when to follow.

Example: I recently went to a charity event at a friend of the family's house. He's a big time movie producer (Nutty Professors etc), she's a SAHM. Folks flocked to the event and would ask him about his next movie project and CONSISTENTLY he would say "...tonight is not about me, it's about my wife, her passion for children and this organization that is committed to..." and he would launch into his explanation of the organization. Here's a big time movie producer who has the confidence and flexibility to know, accept and SUPPORT the notion that that night was not about him.

...good luck!

 

[nappystorm]

My first critera is a relationship with God. I told a guy "I'm a lotta woman and you're going to need to Lord to handle me."

 

[Mena]

Honesty/Communication/Respect/Confidence

I still need to think about my quality of life.

 

[jerseygurl]

For me number 1 is honesty. Being honest is the reason why I'm still single today. Not too many men can handle the truth or they think you can't handle it and make that deicision for you.

Case in point, I was in a LD relationship with a guy who lived in another country and he "forgot" to tell me that he had roommates. You can imagine my surprise on getting to the place and I see a bunch of people in the living room and he whisked me quickly into his room. He later told me that he was afraid that I would dump him.

For me honesty is key. If you cannot be honest with me, KIM

 

[Dee Raven]

For me,

I want honesty, decency (strong moral fiber) and someone with an innate sense of gender equality.

 

[rabs77]

I agree with all the above. I've recently added compassionate to my list. I never realised its importance until the end of my last relationship. I want someone who would hurt when I hurt. Someone who will be with me not only when things are great, and but also when ish hits the fan. Old boy had ice water running through his veins

 

[Mena]

I agree with all the above. I've recently added compassionate to my list. I never realised its importance until the end of my last relationship. I want someone who would hurt when I hurt. Someone who will be with me not only when things are great, and but also when ish hits the fan. Old boy had ice water running through his veins

This is a good one.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

for me its honesty, consistency,sense of humour and compatibility

I want someone who will tell em the truth even though he knowsit might hurt, i cant stand people who lie (my ex is a pathological liar)

I want someone who will do what he says he will do, if you said you will get me something get it, if you brought me flowers every first saturday of each month, dont stop, dont go jekyll and hyde on me

I want someone who has a fun personality who can take a joke who can joke around

I also want someone who understands and just gets me, who is there when i need him, who shares my beliefs and values

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Know What You Want.

I'm on the phone last night with new dude and we're talking and he asks me, "tell me something you want from a man". And a zillion things went through my mind (an Aston Martin like James Bond drives, good sex, loyalty, support, jewelry). I was silent a few seconds, and he said "seriously...something that you think will be difficult to find. Something that people have consistently failed at in the past" (hello Fico!).

And I realized - these are the things that deep down, we're so afraid to ask for because they're the most difficult to "attain". Sure, Ms. Christian - we know you want a man who has a good relationship with God. That's easy. The hard part is in defining that relationship and how it will fit into your COLLECTIVE relationship. Sure, Ms. Education - we know you want a man with a college degree (or equitable work experience). That's easy. The hard part is in defining how education plays a larger role in his ambition and your collective ambition will play a role in your relationship. Sure, Ms. HomeOwner, we know you want a man thats got good credit. That's easy to determine (I didn't say find). What's difficult is determining his financial goals and figuring out how your collective financial goals will play a role in your relationship.

And it is these things that are difficult to articulate and even more difficult to find that we are so quick to settle on because "hey, who knows if its out there".

So I'm asking the question - what are those "difficult" things that you want? Not physical characteristics, but those quality-of-life things that are central to who you are and what you want in the long term. Things that you would like to exist, that you can help to build on top of, not things that you have to indoctrinate in someone else. "Pre-existing conditions"...

This is a hard question for me to answer, Syrah. I think with relationships we've all had the experience of thinking someone was compatible - until we delve deeper in the relationship and really see what's underneath the surface of those compatible values.

For me, I would echo some of the things you mentioned, with consideration and compromise being on the top of my life. As much as "men will be men" (and I hate that phrase, by the way), one big relationship killer for me has been the "I am man, hear me roar; I know what's best because I have an XY chromosome" type of attitude. I love a man who has a strong mind about himself and strong values. However, we need to be able to hear each other - and ultimately meet somewhere in the middle. If we have a disagreement, it cannot be your way or the highway. My POV needs to be taken into consideration and not downgraded because it comes out of a woman's mouth.

I also don't know what to call this, but let's say, lifelong learning/self-improvement. Education isn't the be-all, end-all for me, but I'm a naturally inquisitive, intellectually curious person. I need to be constantly learning or skill-building in some area of my life in order to feel fulfilled. While I don't believe formal education and advanced degrees are the only way to get there, I need a brother who isn't afraid to admit areas of needed self-improvement - and have the wherewithal to seek out answers/solutions/strategies of personal improvement. I would imagine my ideal relationship as one where we can walk on this journey together.

Another is a family-building/legacy-generating mindset. I'm not married; I don't have kids - and even still decisions that I make are made with my future children in mind. I want my unborn children to reach greater heights than I have myself - in terms of education, moral fiber, character, exposure, all of those things. I want to give them the greatest advantage possible to the extent that I can - and my partner needs to be on the same page, as far as I'm concerned.

Wealth-building. This probably overlaps with the previous, but while I want to live a good life, and sample the fruits of my labor, I also would like me and my partner to work as a team in wealth-building. It's part of developing something of a legacy to give to my kids.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

i like this thread. i will come back and post my thoughts

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Conversation- I love a man who can open his mind to new things and the world around him. I'm a conversationalist so conversation is one thing that really attracts me to a man. I love a man who watches the news and can talk about more than BET and late night tv shows

Intelligence- I naturally want a man who is intelligent. Not a genius per se, but by smart I mean either book smart or street smart. I mean the ability to better himself in some way that makes him special from others


Honesty- I need a man who can honestly tlel me something even if it hurts. Even if I am/he is in the wrong, I want to know. The truth hurts more than anything, but you never know what to expect with lies. I need a man who has the strength to be hoenst with me even in hard times.

Responsibility- I want a man with some kind fo get up about himself. I do not seek a relationship to be someone's mother. I do not expect to tell you to pay your bills on time, take out the garbage, and such. I need a man who is mature enough to set dreams/goals and take the responsibility to get them started.

Humor- I love a man who can make me laugh. Laughter makes the heart happy. Laughter can pick up in the hardest of times

Musically Inclined- Well at least have an appreciation for music. I am a classical pianist, singer, and trumpeter (I need to work on the latter though because I have quit recently)

Spirituality- I'm building my spiritual relationship with God, so I would want a soulmate that was doing the same.

 

[daydreem2876]

A man who is secure within himself and is at peace with who he is.

A man who is at peace with who I am, where I have been, and where I want to go

A man who is honest enough to talk to me when things in our relationship are not going well and will give an honest try to work things out.

A man will encourage/push/support me to shine and not feel imtimidated or "less than a man" because of it

A man who wants a life partner who understands that we will walk together come what may

A man who knows I will do the same for him, without question, without fail and who is man enough to not take advantage of that

 

[itismehmmkay]

This is a good question

And as I think about it, I realize the personality-wise, I can work with anything really. Strong-silent types, hyper types...doesn't matter too much.

The most important thing is that I find someone who has the same goals as I do. Even if we do things differently, as long as our goals for the relationship are the same, that speaks volumes.

 

[Shay72]

Consistency--No half stepping, do what you say you're gonna do.

Honesty--I try to be as real as I can be and some men can't take it. Imma be me don't try and hold me back!

Sense of Humor--I have a weakness for this but its quite important to me. I laugh all of the time.

Work Ethic--Please have pride in what you do and try to be the best that you can be. Anything else is a waste of time.

Accept Diversity--Not everyone thinks like you and that is okay

Communicator--Good listener, willing to talk through issues or concerns rather than internalize them and/or act like nothing happened

Ability to express emotion--verbally & nonverbally, I can not be with an emotionally vacant man, been there done that and it doesn't work for me.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Sincerity. Someone who does not easily walk away.