Negative relationship patterns you have

[jada1111]

My dime-store psychology take on it... as I have done this as well, when you find yourself repeatedly in the same situation, it's not an accident. You really know what you're doing on some level.

The benefit of this is you never have to risk anything. You get to control the situation, because he is going to disappoint you in a way that you are always disappointed. Noone can surprise and disappoint you. It's fear-based and control-based.

An unavailable man is not going to challenge you in certain ways, because he won't be there. We're comfortable with his kind of pain, and it's familiar, and it comes early. He is not going to commit to us and then cheat 20 years later, after we've built a life together. (which was a huge fear/obsession of mine)

What do you think?

Dr. Fluffy

Very good Dr. Fluffy!

It makes sense to me, but sometimes men can fool you. They act "normal" in the beginning with no tell-tale signs, but then after a little while you begin to notice things. Things that he kept underwraps during the courting stage.

It's not always cut and dry, which is why you have to give at least 3 months to get to know someone. I once read in a relationship book that this is when the facade that couples put up begin to crack and you see the REAL person.

 

[Vinyl]

I would really love to not spend so much time with my SO. This wasn't directly detrimental to my past relationship, but I know that if my ex and I could have spent a day or two apart it would have probably brought spark back into the relationship. It would've also allowed us to cool down when we were arguing.

SO and I are LDR and spend every night talking on the internet. I just started this today, but I'd like to take maybe three days to myself a week and just "be busy," so that we don't tire of each other.

Another thing that I'm working on is self-esteem. I do sometimes have a hard time believing that SO really loves me and is really into me, and I know is because I don't understand how someone could feel that way about me. It also tends to make me jealous of other women I see as a threat.

Now in my last relationship I made the mistake of voicing these concerns. This time around, I plan to keep quiet unless I have a legitimate reason to suspect something. I'm doing well with this so far.

Last but not least, I need to learn how to communicate. Whenever something bothers me about the relationship or SO, I have to debate for hours whether or not to say anything and if so, how should I say it and how much should I disclose. I worry too much about either saying the wrong thing and ruining the relationship, getting upset about something that doesn't matter, getting upset too frequently and/or upsetting SO. I've even cried because I was so worried about how to tell him that something trivial bothered me.

I'd like to be able to freely communicate and know that I'm doing it correctly considering the circumstances.

 

[ScorpionQueen]

Hmm..

1. when we have a disagreement, I want to talk about it right then while my husband shuts down and doesn't want to talk til he is ready. But I just keep talking about it and arguing..not giving him his space.
2. I can be very demanding.
3. I'm possessive..what's mine is mine.
4. I have a tendency to overanalyze and I can be harsh..sometimes I overeact.
5. I have a sharp tongue. I say whatever, not really thinking about how hurtful it is when I say it.

 

[*5+5]

Treating my boyfriends like they're my husband. I perform all of the wifely duties, freaky sex, errands, handling personal/financial business and cooking big meals. Just not leaving much for the marriage erplexed

 

[locabouthair]

Not all of these are patterns:

Not moving on soon enough especially if a guy was emotionally unavailable.
Thinking too much about how things will progress during the dating period.
Never calling guys because I would'nt want them to think I was "feening".
Excusing a man's behavior and not knowing he just wasn't into me.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

My negative pattern is that I'm easily irritated. REALLY easily irritated. It has been the main reason why I've ended relationships, and while sometimes it's a good thing, I'm not very tolerant of things that I consider stupid or mindless (which, unfortunately, add up to a LOT of things). I'm working on it, because in seven more months, I'm marrying this man and we'll be living together and I'm going to have to let some sh*t ride.

 

[FluffyRed]

Last but not least, I need to learn how to communicate. Whenever something bothers me about the relationship or SO, I have to debate for hours whether or not to say anything and if so, how should I say it and how much should I disclose. I worry too much about either saying the wrong thing and ruining the relationship, getting upset about something that doesn't matter, getting upset too frequently and/or upsetting SO. I've even cried because I was so worried about how to tell him that something trivial bothered me.

I'd like to be able to freely communicate and know that I'm doing it correctly considering the circumstances.

This is such a HUGE area of opportunity for me. A lot of women are socialized this way and hold things in to be "nice" to our hubs. I saw my younger cousin divorced after 7 years, and a big reason was because she had loved him so much, she never wanted to argue with him. He was really crushed and didn't know what he had done. They had never argued. He really adored her.

 

[hopeful]

I was going to say I am the one to break up with them or lose interest 90% of the time, which would sound kinda control-freakish but that comes from not standing up for myself and then just getting out when I can't take their crap any more.

I need to be more confrontational and honest and open about my emotions.

I used to have a hard time expressing how I felt too, just let stuff slide. It makes life a lot easier when you go ahead and say what's on your mind.

Ditto to all the three of these, especially number 1.

MzLady, when you wait a little longer, say at least three months, you will weed out a lot of trouble. A lot happens and lot can be revealed in three months. I feel like men (and women) are not animals, they can and should be able to control themselves and have decent conversations and wonderful dates without sex. What's wrong with sweet kisses, holding hands, and waiting?

Very good Dr. Fluffy!

It makes sense to me, but sometimes men can fool you. They act "normal" in the beginning with no tell-tale signs, but then after a little while you begin to notice things. Things that he kept underwraps during the courting stage.

It's not always cut and dry, which is why you have to give at least 3 months to get to know someone. I once read in a relationship book that this is when the facade that couples put up begin to crack and you see the REAL person.

ITA with the bolded.

 

[Filmatic]

1. I'm super analytical and I tend to jump to conclusions quickly
2. I have a sharp tounge...If I perceive something said or done is hurtful, then I tend to retaliate by saying something smart/slick/mean
3. I cut off people a little too quickly...
4. A good guy comes along and I convince myself that I have to make it work because he is so good to me, even though I am not attracted to him like that or we are lacking in compatibility/shared values...I realize later (in a few weeks to few months) that it's not going to work and I end things or cause the demise of the relationship. I REALLY need to stop this because I end up hurting people and I feel horrible about it...

2-4 is me all the way.

 

[vestaluv1]

I wouldn't call this a pattern per se, but more like I shouldn't get involved with men when I'm dealing with stress or when things aren't going well in my life.

This is when I get caught up with the knuckleheads, because I'm too busy worrying about other things to really get grasp what I'm getting into.

Same here! It's sad, but I don't remember ever being with a 'decent' man.
I don't spend enough time getting to know them and find out messed up facts about them when its too late...
like, they're married, have undisclosed kids or they're just plain criminals ... yep! If not that, they're just emotionally immature punks.

Umm, I never like anyone enough to be in one.

Sometimes I wish this was the case before... it sure is the case now!
At the moment I'm in a place where I feel that any man I meet will let me down and is not worth the time of day.
Hence, I won't be getting into another relationship any time soon.

 

[MzLady78]

MzLady, when you wait a little longer, say at least three months, you will weed out a lot of trouble. A lot happens and lot can be revealed in three months. I feel like men (and women) are not animals, they can and should be able to control themselves and have decent conversations and wonderful dates without sex. What's wrong with sweet kisses, holding hands, and waiting?

You're absolutely right, Hopeful.

 

[Princess Cherish]

Shutting down/not communicating.

 

[Makenzie]

So how do we fix it? It's easy to say since we know better now we can avoid the mistakes, but a lot of times it doesn't work that way.

 

[LivingDoll]

My biggest negative relationship pattern is getting involved with unavailable men. Men who are just not available to be in a relationship with me for a multitude or reasons.

I couldn't thank you enough for this one.

hearing wedding bells and thinking about kids as soon as i have a crush on someone i deem marriage worthy

This is me too minus the kids.

I used to be a victim of the "bad boy" syndrome. My mistake has always been believing that I could make him want to change. Maybe it was me being naive...or maybe I was attracted to the challenge. But it is a challenge that no woman should take on....it's a high chance you will get your feelings hurt.

I used to have this problem...I've grown up since.

1. I'm super analytical and I tend to jump to conclusions quickly
2. I have a sharp tounge...If I perceive something said or done is hurtful, then I tend to retaliate by saying something smart/slick/mean
3. I cut off people a little too quickly...
4. A good guy comes along and I convince myself that I have to make it work because he is so good to me, even though I am not attracted to him like that or we are lacking in compatibility/shared values...I realize later (in a few weeks to few months) that it's not going to work and I end things or cause the demise of the relationship. I REALLY need to stop this because I end up hurting people and I feel horrible about it...

These are all me.

Also:

I am too open and confrontational.
I give too much too soon.
I can be overly nurturing to the point of smothering.

 

[KEIONI'S MOM]

Treating my boyfriends like they're my husband. I perform all of the wifely duties, freaky sex, errands, handling personal/financial business and cooking big meals. Just not leaving much for the marriage erplexed

YES I use to do this all the freakin' time once I got into a relationhip. I have shut that down until I find someone who is ready for me too become his wife.

Not all of these are patterns:

Not moving on soon enough especially if a guy was emotionally unavailable.
Thinking too much about how things will progress during the dating period.
Never calling guys because I would'nt want them to think I was "feening".
Excusing a man's behavior and not knowing he just wasn't into me.

I have done these as well but I think that going with your gut instincts you will be able to see who he really is in time.

Shutting down/not communicating.

Guilty.......I do that once I feel a person is not listening to my points, trying to figure out a solution too the problem that we're having or is just being a real a-hole

So how do we fix it? It's easy to say since we know better now we can avoid the mistakes, but a lot of times it doesn't work that way.

In my experiences I feel that working on you and trying to live your life too the fullest it can be is helpful....not worrying about when/if Mr. Right is coming....I've adopted this way of thinking " Mr. Right for me will come when I'm ready for him. I will comtinue to work on me keep my heart open and my mind free. Love me first and foremost and everything else will fall into place.

 

[Bunny77]

So how do we fix it? It's easy to say since we know better now we can avoid the mistakes, but a lot of times it doesn't work that way.

The funny thing is, I find that I avoid mistakes most when I think about how I act with a man that I'm not into... that's when I do EVERYTHING right, and they just don't go away!

Now, I'm not saying that I want to play games and mislead a man who could be my future SO/DH, but I think one thing that works well for me is to just sit back and watch what he does. I really don't do much work at all... I'll respond accordingly, but I'll let him do the work and usually, that's when I avoid most of my mistakes!

 

[FluffyRed]

So how do we fix it? It's easy to say since we know better now we can avoid the mistakes, but a lot of times it doesn't work that way.

As far as the not communicating, I think we can be a little more willing to confront situations in general, and then, when some guy comes along that tries to restrict that, realize it as a problem and address it as such. Don't let anyone shut us up, verbally or nonverbally.

 

[TCatt86]

Oooh this is a great topic for me.

1. I'm way to possessive. I don't know if its due to insecurity, neediness, who knows. But its a horrible relationship habit.
2. I have to be in control.
3. I don't let things rest. I will push an issue forever. I'm trying to learn to just walk away sometimes.
4. Things have to be my way... and that's just it. There is no "or."
5. I'm way too nice. I know it would be hard to believe considering the stuff I just listed, but its true. I am way too nice to guys that I like... platonic friends included.

This is me to a T!!! Are we long lost sister.

 

[CurliDiva]

My biggest habit is BELEIVING what a guy says instead of how his actions and lifestyle speaks about his values and intentions! I’ve realized that people can not only lie to me, but also to themselves……I've adopted a more “wait and see” mentality, but it’s sad.

My last boyfriend talked such a great game about who he WAS (excellent on paper) and wanted to BE (fantasy about potential), but in hindsight his actions were just plain LAME!

Next time, you don't have to tell me you're a good man...SHOW me you are a GOOD man!

 

[CurliDiva]

The funny thing is, I find that I avoid mistakes most when I think about how I act with a man that I'm not into... that's when I do EVERYTHING right, and they just don't go away!

Now, I'm not saying that I want to play games and mislead a man who could be my future SO/DH, but I think one thing that works well for me is to just sit back and watch what he does. I really don't do much work at all... I'll respond accordingly, but I'll let him do the work and usually, that's when I avoid most of my mistakes![/quote]

I've gone thru a phase of trying to PROVE what a great WIFE I would be....but I think the problem with this while dating is that he does not have to work for anything.

 

[TrendySocialite]

1. I'm super analytical and I tend to jump to conclusions quickly
2. I have a sharp tounge...If I perceive something said or done is hurtful, then I tend to retaliate by saying something smart/slick/mean
3. I cut off people a little too quickly...
4. A good guy comes along and I convince myself that I have to make it work because he is so good to me, even though I am not attracted to him like that or we are lacking in compatibility/shared values...I realize later (in a few weeks to few months) that it's not going to work and I end things or cause the demise of the relationship. I REALLY need to stop this because I end up hurting people and I feel horrible about it...

I do it all except for #4. I keep on holding on to them.

 

[shetara20]

hearing wedding bells and thinking about kids as soon as i have a crush on someone i deem marriage worthy

i need to work on this too!!!!

 

[Makenzie]

In my experiences I feel that working on you and trying to live your life too the fullest it can be is helpful....not worrying about when/if Mr. Right is coming....I've adopted this way of thinking " Mr. Right for me will come when I'm ready for him. I will comtinue to work on me keep my heart open and my mind free. Love me first and foremost and everything else will fall into place.

Thanks. I'm single/celibate and this is what I have been doing. I really don't want to make the same mistakes again. Easier said than done, that's why I decided to just focus on me. I have a habit of taking care of others but scraping productive together time for me.

The funny thing is, I find that I avoid mistakes most when I think about how I act with a man that I'm not into... that's when I do EVERYTHING right, and they just don't go away!

Now, I'm not saying that I want to play games and mislead a man who could be my future SO/DH, but I think one thing that works well for me is to just sit back and watch what he does. I really don't do much work at all... I'll respond accordingly, but I'll let him do the work and usually, that's when I avoid most of my mistakes!

This makes a lot of sense. When I'm around a dude I like I get quiet, shy, reserved, tongue tied. When I'm around a dude I have no romantic feelings for I am a fool. Teasing, easy going, fun....basically myself. Now if I can just be that way ALL the time.<sigh>

As far as the not communicating, I think we can be a little more willing to confront situations in general, and then, when some guy comes along that tries to restrict that, realize it as a problem and address it as such. Don't let anyone shut us up, verbally or nonverbally.

Yes, we are quick to try to make a good impression. That's fine and all if its the real you. Do you think this comes down to insecurity in trying to hold on to a man?

My biggest habit is BELEIVING what a guy says instead of how his actions and lifestyle speaks about his values and intentions! I’ve realized that people can not only lie to me, but also to themselves……I've adopted a more “wait and see” mentality, but it’s sad.

My last boyfriend talked such a great game about who he WAS (excellent on paper) and wanted to BE (fantasy about potential), but in hindsight his actions were just plain LAME!

Next time, you don't have to tell me you're a good man...SHOW me you are a GOOD man!

This was my last relationship. He talked a good game and I believed it. He was always talking about what he was ABOUT to do, or ABOUT to get, or where he was ABOUT to go. He wasn't lying to me, he actually believed these things. That was a real learning lesson. I should have been smarter and looked around at what he was doing and used some common sense instead of believing him.erplexed

 

[aribell]

Umm, I never like anyone enough to be in one.

Yeah, I'm currently trying to figure out what the deal is with this one. I feel like I love my life and am passionate about many things...and so if I'm going to be with someone, being linked to them has to actually enhance what I already have...or at least maintain it. But...I'm probably a lil' too particular.

I'm definitely too reserved, though.

 

[cocoaluv]

My biggest negative relationship pattern is getting involved with unavailable men. Men who are just not available to be in a relationship with me for a multitude or reasons.

Me too erplexed. I used to be like this. Tell me you dont want a girlfriend right now or your interested in any type of relationship for x, y and z reasons and you better believe I would stand there like I know u dont really mean it and of course you will love and want to be with me.





come to find out he wasnt lying and all I did was waste my time



Another problem is that I cant let go of people and I also cant forgive. So I can be in a relationship with someone and resent the ish out of them for what they did to me in the past and will NOT break up with them but instead be pissy to them at all times.

 

[cocoaluv]

My biggest habit is BELEIVING what a guy says instead of how his actions and lifestyle speaks about his values and intentions! I’ve realized that people can not only lie to me, but also to themselves……I've adopted a more “wait and see” mentality, but it’s sad.

My last boyfriend talked such a great game about who he WAS (excellent on paper) and wanted to BE (fantasy about potential), but in hindsight his actions were just plain LAME!

Next time, you don't have to tell me you're a good man...SHOW me you are a GOOD man!

Describes my ex totally. ALL talk and no action. I need to just sit back and watch men for awhile before starting to think they are all they say they are because many times they are not.

 

[cocoaluv]

This was so me.

When I look back at relationships that failed, it was always because the dude was going through something and really wasn't "available" for me. Yeah, we might have been together in person, but not in spirit.

So when I wasn't getting what I needed, I'd get mad and tell them about themselves (bad move). Then they'd push back even further and finally the breakup would happen.

But I would always feel like I was compromising so much in my relationships, and the reason why was because they weren't really ready for one.

...why are you all talking about me this morning


J/K. I see that I have a lot of negative relationship patterns and that I keep attaching myself to the same type of guy. I think this year I'm really going to work on getting myself together so that I can better weed out the losers and figure out why in the world I keep putting myself through this head/heartache .

 

[Ms Red]

I like to call it the Jane Austen pout. I am so used to getting my way, that the word compromise was not in my vocabulary. . .

For some good guys I've dated: I assummed that while he should treat me like a Queen, I could get away with treating him like a pauper. Nope, it works BOTH WAYS I've found. I cannot just say the very first thing that comes to mind, I have to be mindful of his feelings. I am learning men sometimes like to be rewarded like puppies or babies (at least this tactic is working for me right now )

In the past.. I have dated men I thought I could 'save.' My faith in God was supposed to be enough to convert or save him! Imagine that! My good, solid upbringing in a two parent home with married parents was supposed to be enough to show him.. when in reality, his mom was a single mother (nothing wrong with this but we came from NIGHT and DAY) with 6 different children's fathers....

Lord, I've learned a lot... and I'm sure that's not the tip of the iceberg there is to learn.

 

[amara11]

My largest problem is being unavailable. I can be very emotionally unavailable initially. I'm very guarded and protective of myself- which has protected me from a lot of hurt that many women experience- but I do need to open up and be a little bit more of a risk taker. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I also have a slight issue with commitment phobia. I want to be in a healthy LTR, but sometimes I am overwhelmed very easily and will find myself pulling back if Mr. gets too attached- especially when it happens very fast. Definitely have to work on that one.... The easiest/best way to accomplish this is to start off as friends and move very slowly. This is often a challenge, b/c when a guy really is interested romantically, they like to move quickly into relationships- this will drive me away.

I don't communicate my emotions/anger very well at all. I need time to process, think, and cool down- but a lot of times I fail to let the guy know this, so I'll just take as much time as I need (basically ignoring the person- without letting them know why) until I'm ready to discuss (I am the queen of the "straight up ignore"/silent treatment). . Bad, bad, I know. I do this with a lot of ppl when they cross me though- not just men, so this is something i need to work on for all of my relationships.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

wow, this is a very good thread. i recently realized and recognized some of my negative relationship patterns.
get attached too quickly.
make myself too available
believe words rather than looking at actions
stay too long instead of ending it, especially when i know there is no future
tend to overanalyze and be overcritical
i'm waaay to nice, before someone has proven they are worthy