My Relationship Vent

[inthepink]

Since I was 15, I've been a 3rd wheel, 5th wheel or whatever else there can be. It was the only way I could hang out with my friends so what was I to do?

In college, most of my years were spent being the 5th wheel at lunch and everything else. In college, it's even worse b/c you all "live together" on campus. So every breakfast, lunch, and dinner consisted of 2 couples and me. I "thought" I was part of "it" but I later realized that on weeks off from school they all got together without me. I dealt.

Now, it's easily 15+ years later and how do I spend my fridays? My best co-worker and I always go to lunch together on Fridays. She has a boyfriend and he has been asking to come to lunch with us - only b/c she won't dump me to go with him alone. So once again, I am the third wheel.

I smile, have fun, enjoy.

After work, I have happy hour planned with a friend to talk about the guy who did her wrong and talk about never-ending singleness.

Can I just say:

IT'S GETTING SO OLD!!!!!! I am so tired of this life!

I want to be able to say "No, I can't go to happy hour b/c my husband and I are going out to dinner."

I want to be able to say "Let me invite my boyfriend to lunch with us."

But no. I smile and am happy and I go along with it - why? What choice do I even have?

I'm just so tired of it. I just wonder how it is that since I was 15, nothing has changed. 20 years and it's all the same.

(Not looking to have a pity party but I just needed to get that out.)

 

[itismehmmkay]

So no one has any friends to try and hook you up with?

 

[inthepink]

So no one has any friends to try and hook you up with?

haha - I told my co-worker friend that my stipulation for lunch was that her boyfriend brought a friend for me. He thought about bringing the icky guy who sits in the corner complaining about his stapler. But I reminded them that I could get that type of guy on my own.

 

[chocolat79]

Hairlove, I've read some of your posts before and I know it's frustrating. Are you putting yourself out there?

I also, want to say, in general, it seems that a lot of women are posting very similar stories/experiences. And my friends and I talk about this constantly. I think with so many women in the same boat, it's not us, it's the men. I think a lot of men are witches (with a b) and the roles have become reversed. So now it's hard to find a decent guy who is willing to treat women the way she should be treated.

I've asked my male friends to hook me up and they're coming up with nothing too...so I think it's the men (American) in this country.

I say go to another country, you won't have a problem. I'm definitely trying to get back to Europe (at least semi-permanently), it's a great self-confidence booster there. (yes, this is extreme, I'm just saying...I had a great time and I came back with renewed confidence!)

Seriously, there is really not much to say that you haven't heard before. My friend keeps reminding me that it's the men and I'm inclined to agree. How can all these wonderful women not find a DECENT guy? That's crazy

 

[Bunny77]

First, stop letting yourself be the third wheel. Just say no, even if it means that you stay home that night (or better yet, that you go out on your own).

Second, the first way to change is to stop thinking of yourself as the perpetually single woman who's the third wheel. This might require some work... but I think that if you are noticing that things have been the same for 20 years (and yes, I can feel the rightful frustration you have on this), then you need to take the mental steps to not think and behave as the always-single third wheel best friend girl.

 

[inthepink]

Bunny - How do I say no? I feel like if I do that, I am being selfish and jealous. I don't know - I also don't want people to feel sorry for me. Like, if I told my best co-worker - "Oh why don't you guys go. I think I'm going to go to Borders and browse around." She'd know it's because I don't want to be the third wheel. I guess, in a way, I'm thinking that I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to know it bothers me.

What about single girlfriends who just want to sit around and talk about being single? I'm so over it. I love my friends but I'm just so tired about talking about it.

Since I don't have a husband or boyfriend, sometimes it gets to me just wanting to hang out by myself. Then I can occupy myself with other activities and things that have nothing to do with being single.

Thanks for always having something to say. I just needed to vent.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny - How do I say no? I feel like if I do that, I am being selfish and jealous. I don't know - I also don't want people to feel sorry for me. Like, if I told my best co-worker - "Oh why don't you guys go. I think I'm going to go to Borders and browse around." She'd know it's because I don't want to be the third wheel. I guess, in a way, I'm thinking that I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to know it bothers me.

I'll share a quote that I used yesterday in a different thread. Why is selfish a bad word?

Actually, what you can do is this. When they invite you somewhere, just say, "Hey, thanks, but I have plans tonight. I'll catch up with you later." And put a smile on your face.

(Even if your plans are eating ice cream on the couch in your jammies, who cares? You have plans! )

The end. Even if they mean well -- and it sounds like they do -- your business is your business and your choices are your choices.

What about single girlfriends who just want to sit around and talk about being single? I'm so over it. I love my friends but I'm just so tired about talking about it.

Then don't indulge in it. Be selfish.

Since I don't have a husband or boyfriend, sometimes it gets to me just wanting to hang out by myself. Then I can occupy myself with other activities and things that have nothing to do with being single.

Thanks for always having something to say. I just needed to vent.

I understand the vent. But hey, just try something different when the situation comes up again!

P.S.: I looooove being selfish. I completely embrace the word!

 

[Farida]

If you don't want to go, just say you have something else to do, you're tired, you'd rather go home - anything.

Another thing you could do is ask if you can invite another single friend so your aren't the odd one. The only thing is in this day and age people may start thinking you are lesbian if you do that (and hurt your prospective chances for set up).

 

[hopeful]

hairlove, 20 years is too long to be the third wheel. You are going to have to change something. I think I felt like a third wheel a few times back in middle school, that's about it. I have known women like you who are always in your position. Being single does not = third wheel.

I know you are just venting but if you want things to be different YOU must change. Something is going wrong with your thought process and your attitude. You have got to get to the bottom of this so that you can be happier. You are going to really need to listen to people and attempt to incorporate their ideas instead of refuting their suggestions. Bunny is single but you don't feel third wheeldedness in her posts. I think you should really take some of her suggestions to heart, like a dating coach, and speed dating, and being selfish, etc., etc. Why on earth wouldn't you honor your own feelings and say I'm going to Border's? I totally don't get that.

I think it is selfish to bring a boyfriend along on your lunchdate with your female friend. Been married almost 22 years and I don't do that. If it's me and my friend hanging then it's me and my friend because I want to spend time with her. Her boyfriend can't let her have lunch one day a week with a friend without butting in? He sounds jealous and like a big baby.

Hairlove you can do this. No guarantee that you'll meet the man of your dreams but I really believe you can be happier and have a better life. I am really rooting for you. I want you to pull yourself out of this rut that you've been in for 20 years, I really do.

ETA: Also, I would not go out with girlfriends to have the same negative conversations again and again. Try to steer the conversation in another direction, let them know you want to talk about something else, perhaps business ideas, travelling, starting a charity, or cute shoes, anything but the dreaded sad single woman conversation. There are single women in the world who are thriving and happy and don't spend hours talking about men.

 

[Bunny77]

hairlove, 20 years is too long to be the third wheel. You are going to have to change something. I think I felt like a third wheel a few times back in middle school, that's about it. I have known women like you who are always in your position. Being single does not = third wheel.

I know you are just venting but if you want things to be different YOU must change. Something is going wrong with your thought process and your attitude. You have got to get to the bottom of this so that you can be happier. You are going to really need to listen to people and attempt to incorporate their ideas instead of refuting their suggestions. Bunny is single but you don't feel third wheeldedness in her posts. I think you should really take some of her suggestions to heart, like a dating coach, and speed dating, and being selfish, etc., etc. Why on earth wouldn't you honor your own feelings and say I'm going to Border's? I totally don't get that.

I think it is selfish to bring a boyfriend along on your lunchdate with your female friend. Been married almost 22 years and I don't do that. If it's me and my friend hanging then it's me and my friend because I want to spend time with her. Her boyfriend can't let her have lunch one day a week with a friend without butting in? He sounds jealous and like a big baby.

Hairlove you can do this. No guarantee that you'll meet the man of your dreams but I really believe you can be happier and have a better life. I am really rooting for you. I want you to pull yourself out of this rut that you've been in for 20 years, I really do.

Hopeful, you are so encouraging!

Hairlove, my suggestions are all coming from personal experience. I enjoyed being single for a while and lived and acted like a single woman. When I decided that I was ready to move on, I realized that nothing was changing because I was always THINKING like I was going to be single. I had to do something and figure out if there was something that I was or was not doing, or if I was sending out some vibe that people picked up on that kept me in my current state.

Recent example... this month can sometimes trigger a few lonely feelings (for a variety of reasons). A friend told me that since I know this in advance, I should develop coping skills so that I know how to handle this in the future when March rolls around.

I said, "Wait a minute... who says I'm going to be single in future Marches? This might be the very last year that I have to deal with this!"

But you know, I think that friend was so accustomed to thinking of me as the single girl who found herself alone more often than not that she related to me that way. Folks I notice would talk to me saying, "You'll find someone," but it was always related as something that would happen waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down the line and almost in kind of a fairy-tale way, not as in, something that could happen in a few months or so.

Anyway, long story short... if you want to stop being single, stop thinking like a single person. Stop doing "single" things, reading "single" books, planning life "alone," and start preparing for a life that you will share with someone. Start preparing as if that relationship is mere months away, not 20 years from now.

(Not saying that you're doing all or any of the above things, but this is something that I see often in singles who don't like being single... but their whole life revolves around being single!)

And if you don't want to be a third wheel, then simply stop being one!

 

[hopeful]

Hairlove, I also wanted to add that I hope you know that we are posting in your thread because we care about you and want you to be happy. We feel your pain in your posts. I can tell that you are a really sweet, kind-hearted person. I don't know why you've had such a hard go of it. Sometimes I read your posts and I can almost see you and I wish I could just give you a big hug. Know that we love you and care about you very much.

 

[*5+5]

I think it is selfish to bring a boyfriend along on your lunchdate with your female friend. Been married almost 22 years and I don't do that. If it's me and my friend hanging then it's me and my friend because I want to spend time with her.

especially if your friend is single.

I agree with everything you said Hopeful.

 

[Country gal]

Hopeful hit on a lot of good points as well as the other ladies. I am single but I don't ever feel like a third wheel. Life and death is in the tongue. So be mindful of what you discuss and talk about. I am dating. I also realized that I was making a guy a priority when I should of been the prority. I was sitting home on a friday night because he was always working. I have decided that Friday nights will be my happy hour nights. I have gone out twice by myself to sit at the bar. I can't wait on my girlfriends to get away from their SO and Dhs. I love the freedom of not sitting at home wondering what everyone else is doin becuase I am out having my fun too.

I feel that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. Change up the way you think, talk about relationships and the people you hang out with. I recently ran into my buddy Kathy May and her husband and sat down with them to have drinks. I didn't feel like a 3rd wheel at all and enjoyed the conversation.

Borders is not a bad idea for lunch. A guy tried to pick me up at Borders.

 

[Divake22]

I think you need to declutter your life from toxic situations/relationships. I think you need to change the negative self talk. I even found that not seeing romance movies helped me a great deal in not fantasizing about what should be an ideal relationship. Find activities/hobbies/books that you enjoy. I've met people who met their DHs in running clubs. You have to love yourself before finding someone who loves you. Men can pick up the desperate, detached and self-pity vibe. Some guys seek that and exploit those feelings and use women who only can find value in someone else than in themselves. Secure men love confident women. I think you should fake it until you make it. Focus on you and your goals. I never had to worry about weight until I stopped smoking. I recently lost 28 lbs from working out 4-7 days a week. I feel much more sexier and confident wearing my outfits. Go to church. Do you and most importantly, love you.

I think there is a feng shui thread: remove pictures of family and etc... from your bedroom. Also remove solitary pics from your bedroom. I used to have a solitary Jamaican woman print on the wall next to my bed for years. lol. Put pairs of items (e.g.candle sticks) in your bedroom. Embrace the pink or heart shaped objects. I have a ceramic heart on my dresser.

 

[naijamerican]

hairlove, 20 years is too long to be the third wheel. You are going to have to change something. I think I felt like a third wheel a few times back in middle school, that's about it. I have known women like you who are always in your position. Being single does not = third wheel.

I know you are just venting but if you want things to be different YOU must change. Something is going wrong with your thought process and your attitude. You have got to get to the bottom of this so that you can be happier. You are going to really need to listen to people and attempt to incorporate their ideas instead of refuting their suggestions. Bunny is single but you don't feel third wheeldedness in her posts. I think you should really take some of her suggestions to heart, like a dating coach, and speed dating, and being selfish, etc., etc. Why on earth wouldn't you honor your own feelings and say I'm going to Border's? I totally don't get that.

I think it is selfish to bring a boyfriend along on your lunchdate with your female friend. Been married almost 22 years and I don't do that. If it's me and my friend hanging then it's me and my friend because I want to spend time with her. Her boyfriend can't let her have lunch one day a week with a friend without butting in? He sounds jealous and like a big baby.

Hairlove you can do this. No guarantee that you'll meet the man of your dreams but I really believe you can be happier and have a better life. I am really rooting for you. I want you to pull yourself out of this rut that you've been in for 20 years, I really do.

ETA: Also, I would not go out with girlfriends to have the same negative conversations again and again. Try to steer the conversation in another direction, let them know you want to talk about something else, perhaps business ideas, travelling, starting a charity, or cute shoes, anything but the dreaded sad single woman conversation. There are single women in the world who are thriving and happy and don't spend hours talking about men.

A mere thanks is not enough for this fantabulous, encouraging post.

Hairlove, I hope that you feel the care that people have for you. I know that you're sick of being the third wheel but I have to say, I know people like you and they're the best friends any one could ask for. For you to have been the third wheel says some good things about who you are - that you're caring, that you put others needs above your own, and that you genuinely want the best for others. Those are wonderful qualities and I believe that if you heed any of the advice you receive in this thread, your days of thirdwheeledness will be numbered!

Nonetheless, I just want to encourage you to start putting yourself first sometimes. I live with a third-wheel girl. She's beautiful, kind, loyal, and caring. She's constantly doing for others and only now is she starting to put her own needs first. You remind me of her and I just hope and pray that these coming months bring and end to some of the misery you're likely to be feeling right now.

 

[inthepink]

Second, the first way to change is to stop thinking of yourself as the perpetually single woman who's the third wheel. This might require some work... but I think that if you are noticing that things have been the same for 20 years (and yes, I can feel the rightful frustration you have on this), then you need to take the mental steps to not think and behave as the always-single third wheel best friend girl.

How does one do this? It's not that I think of myself as the 3rd wheel - I just end up "being" the 3rd wheel. Is there a difference?

 

[inthepink]

I'll share a quote that I used yesterday in a different thread. Why is selfish a bad word?

Actually, what you can do is this. When they invite you somewhere, just say, "Hey, thanks, but I have plans tonight. I'll catch up with you later." And put a smile on your face.

(Even if your plans are eating ice cream on the couch in your jammies, who cares? You have plans! )

The end. Even if they mean well -- and it sounds like they do -- your business is your business and your choices are your choices.



Then don't indulge in it. Be selfish.



I understand the vent. But hey, just try something different when the situation comes up again!

P.S.: I looooove being selfish. I completely embrace the word!

Gotcha - This makes a lot of sense. In all parts of my life, I struggle with doing things for other people versus what I want to do for myself. Feeling like if I say no, that I'm selfish. I have really hard time saying no.

But, I need to stop going towards experiences that I don't want to be memories.

 

[blue_flower]

Hey hairlove, I'm praying that the both of us find decent men soon!

 

[inthepink]

I know you are just venting but if you want things to be different YOU must change. Something is going wrong with your thought process and your attitude. You have got to get to the bottom of this so that you can be happier. You are going to really need to listen to people and attempt to incorporate their ideas instead of refuting their suggestions. Bunny is single but you don't feel third wheeldedness in her posts. I think you should really take some of her suggestions to heart, like a dating coach, and speed dating, and being selfish, etc., etc. Why on earth wouldn't you honor your own feelings and say I'm going to Border's? I totally don't get that.

I think it is selfish to bring a boyfriend along on your lunchdate with your female friend. Been married almost 22 years and I don't do that. If it's me and my friend hanging then it's me and my friend because I want to spend time with her. Her boyfriend can't let her have lunch one day a week with a friend without butting in? He sounds jealous and like a big baby.

Hairlove you can do this. No guarantee that you'll meet the man of your dreams but I really believe you can be happier and have a better life. I am really rooting for you. I want you to pull yourself out of this rut that you've been in for 20 years, I really do.

ETA: Also, I would not go out with girlfriends to have the same negative conversations again and again. Try to steer the conversation in another direction, let them know you want to talk about something else, perhaps business ideas, travelling, starting a charity, or cute shoes, anything but the dreaded sad single woman conversation. There are single women in the world who are thriving and happy and don't spend hours talking about men.

Girl, I know it. I am trying to change - but I am not even sure WHAT it is that needs to change! I had another thread where I got all sorts of advice and opinions on why men don't approach me and I have taken that advice and have tried to change things a lot.

At the risk of my hair, I wear it down outside (if it's not too windy) and I smile and try to make eye contact.

I am trying - really.

I ask myself ALL the time what it is about me that I need to work on or change b/c I know I am the common equation in all of this - I just haven't figure out the problem or the solution.

And yes, it is her boyfriend who is the needy one. He likes spending all of his time with her and she's discussed this with me before. But now I guess it's my fault b/c I've let it happen twice like I was ok with it. And they are young - in their late 20s so they are like super affectionate with each other - holding hands and laughing and giggling. That's all sweet and cute but not so much fun when you're the odd man out. So, next time, I will pass.

 

[inthepink]

Anyway, long story short... if you want to stop being single, stop thinking like a single person. Stop doing "single" things, reading "single" books, planning life "alone," and start preparing for a life that you will share with someone. Start preparing as if that relationship is mere months away, not 20 years from now.

(Not saying that you're doing all or any of the above things, but this is something that I see often in singles who don't like being single... but their whole life revolves around being single!)

And if you don't want to be a third wheel, then simply stop being one!

Yep - I am working on this too. Trying to make sure I am financially together. Learning how to keep up a house. Being responsible for something (my cat and previously a dog). Trying to create an extra income stream in case I want to be a stay-at-home mom.

I am trying - really.

Not saying I've done everything everyone has suggested but believe I am listening to you guys and putting your suggestions into action. I'm not just throwing a pity party - I am not sad...well, I think I am sad on the inside when I really, really think about it. But I am ok.

 

[inthepink]

Hairlove, I also wanted to add that I hope you know that we are posting in your thread because we care about you and want you to be happy. We feel your pain in your posts. I can tell that you are a really sweet, kind-hearted person. I don't know why you've had such a hard go of it. Sometimes I read your posts and I can almost see you and I wish I could just give you a big hug. Know that we love you and care about you very much.

Thanks! I know you all care or you wouldn't respond to my crazy posts. I appreciate the responses and suggestions so much!

 

[inthepink]

I feel that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. Change up the way you think, talk about relationships and the people you hang out with.

Please elaborate. I am not sure what you mean.

I never bring up the single topic but my friend does. I feel like if I don't engage with her that I am not being helpful b/c she wants to talk about a guy who did her wrong etc etc. What can I do? I feel like I'm not being supportive if I don't offer advice. And of course, talking about a guy who does you wrong, leads you to talking about being single.

I don't know - I guess all of this stems from me not knowing how to stand up for myself. Bad results usually come when I do.

 

[inthepink]

I think you need to declutter your life from toxic situations/relationships. I think you need to change the negative self talk. I even found that not seeing romance movies helped me a great deal in not fantasizing about what should be an ideal relationship. Find activities/hobbies/books that you enjoy. I've met people who met their DHs in running clubs. You have to love yourself before finding someone who loves you. Men can pick up the desperate, detached and self-pity vibe. Some guys seek that and exploit those feelings and use women who only can find value in someone else than in themselves. Secure men love confident women. I think you should fake it until you make it. Focus on you and your goals. I never had to worry about weight until I stopped smoking. I recently lost 28 lbs from working out 4-7 days a week. I feel much more sexier and confident wearing my outfits. Go to church. Do you and most importantly, love you.

I think there is a feng shui thread: remove pictures of family and etc... from your bedroom. Also remove solitary pics from your bedroom. I used to have a solitary Jamaican woman print on the wall next to my bed for years. lol. Put pairs of items (e.g.candle sticks) in your bedroom. Embrace the pink or heart shaped objects. I have a ceramic heart on my dresser.

deleted...

 

[Divake22]

Girl, I know you mean well but are you kidding me? (No offense at all, my tone is light just talking like I would IRL) Men LOVE those desperate, damsel-in-distress types. (Read or watched Twilight?) And I am so NOT like that. I am the confident woman. I am not self-pitiful at all! Or desperate. (Gosh, I am sincerely hoping my post didn't come off that way.) I walk around happy as a clam and I am confident. That's why I put the disclaimer that I didn't want to make it sound as though I wanted a pity party b/c I do not. I was just making an observation. I do not feel sorry for myself at all.

I happen to actually enjoy my life when I am focusing on my hobbies, and seeing family, going to church, bible studies, etc. I love that and love myself. I feel as though I have a lot to offer the right man.

I do like your fung shui ideas! Great tips - thanks for sharing!

Feeling like a third wheel pretty much contradict the "confidence" part. Your post did sound self-pitying. If I can pick up that vibe without meeting you, I can only imagine how it is IRL.

 

[inthepink]

Feeling like a third wheel pretty much contradict the "confidence" part. Your post did sound self-pitying. If I can pick up that vibe without meeting you, I can only imagine how it is IRL.

Hmm, I guess I didn't know that "third wheel" was a feeling. I just thought it was a situation that anyone could be in. Anyone who is with a couple, I thought, was a third wheel. Single or not...

Yep, just as I said - speak up for myself and this is what I get. I so contemplated on just deleting my post. Think I'll do that. Sorry to inconvenience you.

 

[inthepink]

Thanks for the discussion everyone. I think I am done with this right now.

Enjoy your evenings, ladies!

 

[topsyturvy86]

Yep, just as I said - speak up for myself and this is what I get. I so contemplated on just deleting my post. Think I'll do that. Sorry to inconvenience you.

Thanks for the discussion everyone. I think I am done with this right now.

Enjoy your evenings, ladies!

Don't be so sensitive hairlove , don't delete your posts.I'll read the thread properly now and see if I have any sensible input.

 

[Divake22]

Hmm, I guess I didn't know that "third wheel" was a feeling. I just thought it was a situation that anyone could be in. Anyone who is with a couple, I thought, was a third wheel. Single or not...

Yep, just as I said - speak up for myself and this is what I get. I so contemplated on just deleting my post. Think I'll do that. Sorry to inconvenience you.

I did not mean to sound argumentative or like you are wasting people's time. I go out with married couples all the time and never "felt" like a third wheel. Unless, it was for Valentine's day when my married friend invited me on a love cruise. But, apart from that, I enjoy my friend's company without feeling like I am so "alone." It is just my take on the situation. But I apologize if you took offense.

 

[topsyturvy86]

I think you've got some fantastic advice already. Do you by any chance use self help books, hairlove? Some of them are fantastic and they really hit the nail on the head regarding these sort of issue's. I think the main problem here is your mindset. You have to start being a little bit selfish and prioritizing yourself. Do not get yourself in a 3rd wheel situation, you obviously don't like it. Get busy so you always have something else to do whenever you're asked. (If you don't, pretend you do ).Get involved in lots of activities. Go to the gym/take on some dancing, join a book club, whatever tickles your fancy. Date yourself! Fall in love with yourself! Getting involved in diverse stuff makes you more interesting as well and interesting people are always more attractive.

There's this book I have that you might like - "Be Incredibly sexy" by Helena Frith Powell. It has good advice on how to be sexy. When you feel sexy on the inside, it boosts your confidence and you give off sexy signals and this attract people. Also, put yourself out there some more: try internet dating - I heared paid sites are better, rather than meeting up with your friends to discuss singleness during happy hour, plan an outing somewhere nice like a posh bar, a mini-break, or anywhere you could meet nice men.

I think you need to work on your confidence a little bit as well. Learn to speak up for urself a bit more say a big 'NO' whenever you want to (you might want to get a book on this as well ). Understand that you have every right in the world to feel however you do and people need to be able to respect that. (It's really late for me, I hope I managed to make at least a little bit of sense)

 

[hopeful]

How does one do this? It's not that I think of myself as the 3rd wheel - I just end up "being" the 3rd wheel. Is there a difference?

Personally my antennae go up when I sense I may be the third wheel, and I run girl. I make up my nice excuses and I refuse to be in that position. It is a terrible feeling that I try my best to avoid. My point is that if you don't think of yourself as the third wheel you will avoid those situations or if you end up in them you remove yourself as quickly as possible.

Girl, I know it. I am trying to change - but I am not even sure WHAT it is that needs to change! I had another thread where I got all sorts of advice and opinions on why men don't approach me and I have taken that advice and have tried to change things a lot.

At the risk of my hair, I wear it down outside (if it's not too windy) and I smile and try to make eye contact.

I am trying - really.

I ask myself ALL the time what it is about me that I need to work on or change b/c I know I am the common equation in all of this - I just haven't figure out the problem or the solution.

And yes, it is her boyfriend who is the needy one. He likes spending all of his time with her and she's discussed this with me before. But now I guess it's my fault b/c I've let it happen twice like I was ok with it. And they are young - in their late 20s so they are like super affectionate with each other - holding hands and laughing and giggling. That's all sweet and cute but not so much fun when you're the odd man out. So, next time, I will pass.

Hairlove, you only need to change one thing: how you think about yourself in relation to others. Your feelings are as important as anybody elses. If you are unhappy or uncomfortable having certain conversations it is okay to say I'm sorry I wish I could be there for you but this conversation is making me sad. You say oh John will be joining us for lunch? You guys have fun, let me know when you're free to hang out or go to lunch with me, I really do enjoy your company. You make it clear to friends that your feelings matter, you make it clear that you have feelings, you make it clear that you are going to protect your happiness. You make it clear that you love them but not more than you love yourself.

You will be surprised that if you tell people things nicely and firmly that they will try to abide and if not like I always say then that's good to know cuz I'm wasting my precious time and energy on someone who does not care about me. I guess I'm saying that you are likely toooo nice to other people and not nice enough to yourself. Treat yourself the way you'd hope others would treat you. Or another way, be as nice (or nicer) to yourself as you are to others.

You are your keeper babygirl, protect your happiness and peace of mind. And it's not your fault your friend sprung her jealous boyfriend on you, just do like you said and don't do it anymore. Don't think oh I don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't want her to think I am jealous. Think I don't want to be a third wheel, I am nobody's third wheel. My company is nice, my girlfriend should be able to have lunch with me and be satisfied. I'm not happy in that situation so I'm not going to put myself in that position. Use the word "I" more often, the more you do it, the easier it will get. After a while saying no, gets easier and easier.

A really good friend of mine taught me a few years ago how tough I could be. She said we know you are nice, everybody knows you are nice, but there is also another side to you. Sometimes you have to express that side.