My husband wants a seperation/Divorce

[Spidergul]

and I don't care anymore.erplexed

For me this has been a long time in the making just never voiced on my part. I just work around it because I chose to, but when they keep shoveling it on more and more year after year, pretty soon you just don't care. He says since he does not turn me on anymore-We need to get a divorce. I told him to grow the hell up!
Now that what I am feeling is affecting his sexual desires-as in I don't want to as often as he wants to - because of LIFE- 2 kids, bills, crappy jobs, bills, not enough money, and did I mention bills , he is ready to throw in the towel.

He works 2 jobs and spends like he has 4!! I told him I tell you what, you let me work a 2nd job ( I know where that money will go), but if I do I want things to be like you have it now when you get home-I want the kids picked up and their homework done, dinner cooked and the kitchen clean after you have already spent 8 hours at work and 1-2 hours getting home, the shopping done, the clothes washed and put away- So that when I get home, I can eat or just grab a beer and go to bed and wake up about 3am and do this oke: to you.

Don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, provider-but he just doesn't get it. Marriage is more than sexoke: Sex, does not a marriage make-no matter how good it is! We have much bigger problems in our marriage of course they have to do with finances. I want to get out of debt and he just doesn't care.

We just don't have the same priorities. I already feel like a single parent as it is. I might as well be one.

Thanks for letting me vent-that is just one another thing I let go in this marriage-I no longer have friends that I can really talk to any more. He never missed a beat with his.
All his friends and whats left of mine think we have the perfect marraige. Go figure.erplexed .
I need a big ass bottle of that ****itol right about now.

 

[PapillionRouge]

Thank u for sharing, I hope u 2 will be able to work things out in the future...

 

[Kimberly]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. As I read your post, it sounded like something I would have written about 3 years ago except we have 3 kids and mine was not working a second job at that time...he was barely working one after being unemployed that whole summer and still spending like crazy. And he wasn't the one that wanted the separation... I just couldn't take it. He pushed me to that point...you'll know it when you get there.

Have you guys considered counseling? I know that's hard when you have bills and money gets tight or whatever but some churches and counseling centers offer services at a reduced rate or a sliding scale based on what you can afford to pay. Also, I know my health insurance through my employer offers a "mental health benefit" where all I'd have to pay is a co-pay and could go up to 6 times per year (unless someone is diagnosed with a problem, then it's still covered). So, maybe you might want to check your coverage(s).

I hate the thought of families in turmoil that way. I know you'll get through it one way or the other.

 

[plove]

and I don't care anymore.erplexed

For me this has been a long time in the making just never voiced on my part. I just work around it because I chose to, but when they keep shoveling it on more and more year after year, pretty soon you just don't care. He says since he does not turn me on anymore-We need to get a divorce. I told him to grow the hell up!
Now that what I am feeling is affecting his sexual desires-as in I don't want to as often as he wants to - because of LIFE- 2 kids, bills, crappy jobs, bills, not enough money, and did I mention bills , he is ready to throw in the towel.

He works 2 jobs and spends like he has 4!! I told him I tell you what, you let me work a 2nd job ( I know where that money will go), but if I do I want things to be like you have it now when you get home-I want the kids picked up and their homework done, dinner cooked and the kitchen clean after you have already spent 8 hours at work and 1-2 hours getting home, the shopping done, the clothes washed and put away- So that when I get home, I can eat or just grab a beer and go to bed and wake up about 3am and do this oke: to you.

Don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, provider-but he just doesn't get it. Marriage is more than sexoke: Sex, does not a marriage make-no matter how good it is! We have much bigger problems in our marriage of course they have to do with finances. I want to get out of debt and he just doesn't care.

We just don't have the same priorities. I already feel like a single parent as it is. I might as well be one.

Thanks for letting me vent-that is just one another thing I let go in this marriage-I no longer have friends that I can really talk to any more. He never missed a beat with his.
All his friends and whats left of mine think we have the perfect marraige. Go figure.erplexed .
I need a big ass bottle of that ****itol right about now.

\


I'm sorry but that part is funny. Do what will make you happy.
My SO and I look like we are coming to the end of the road.
I don't care anymore. But now he wants to care.

 

[breezy]

I'm sorry that you are going through this Are you sure that that's what both of you want? Like someone else said, maybe you could try counseling...but I can understand how frustrating that must be to deal with on a daily basis. I whish you good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[karezone]

Get the counseling. Don't just get a divorce. Marriage goes through cycles and those cycles are especially rough when there are children, bills, and life involved. I think that he has a warped view of marriage (like many) and does not understand that sometimes sex just is not happening and the point of getting married is not secure a regular piece of booty.

 

[Spidergul]

Thanks for your replies.
I have thought about counseling a lot. He just does not see the need to compromise. I love going to church, when we dated he went to church with me every Sunday. Now I can't even get him to go. The really crazy thing is I wantted us to attend 1st Sunday as a family. No compomise. So this year I started going back on my own. Next year I plan to start taking our children, he can do whatever. It has taken a while, but I am starting to find myself again and I think he realizes that.erplexed

 

[MissYocairis]

and I don't care anymore.erplexed

For me this has been a long time in the making just never voiced on my part. I just work around it because I chose to, but when they keep shoveling it on more and more year after year, pretty soon you just don't care. He says since he does not turn me on anymore-We need to get a divorce. I told him to grow the hell up!

Now that what I am feeling is affecting his sexual desires-as in I don't want to as often as he wants to - because of LIFE- 2 kids, bills, crappy jobs, bills, not enough money, and did I mention bills , he is ready to throw in the towel.

He works 2 jobs and spends like he has 4!! I told him I tell you what, you let me work a 2nd job ( I know where that money will go), but if I do I want things to be like you have it now when you get home-I want the kids picked up and their homework done, dinner cooked and the kitchen clean after you have already spent 8 hours at work and 1-2 hours getting home, the shopping done, the clothes washed and put away- So that when I get home, I can eat or just grab a beer and go to bed and wake up about 3am and do this oke: to you.

Don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, provider-but he just doesn't get it. Marriage is more than sexoke: Sex, does not a marriage make-no matter how good it is! We have much bigger problems in our marriage of course they have to do with finances. I want to get out of debt and he just doesn't care.

We just don't have the same priorities. I already feel like a single parent as it is. I might as well be one.

Thanks for letting me vent-that is just one another thing I let go in this marriage-I no longer have friends that I can really talk to any more. He never missed a beat with his.
All his friends and whats left of mine think we have the perfect marraige. Go figure.erplexed .
I need a big ass bottle of that ****itol right about now.

PLEASE get some couples counseling! Trust me, you do not want to go down the "single parent" road unless absolutely necessary. It is NO PICNIC and it's NOT like what you are dealing with now, TRUST ME. It's what you are dealing with now TIMES FIVE!

Your hubby is being selfish. He needs to start helping you in the evenings so that you have enough energy to want to ahem, "relate" later. And, you are going to have to take the lead on the finances. Show him a plan and a budget for how you are going to dig y'all up out of the debt. Maybe he is avoiding the whole discussion and avoiding taking initiative because getting out of debt seems to overwhelming for him. You are obviously the more financially savvy of the two of you.

I am mad that he is throwing around "maybe we should divorce" and such just because he's not getting any what with everything else you and the two of you together are facing. But, at the end of the day, both of you won't be able to divorce in good conscience if you haven't tried all you can to save the marriage. Living with guilt of divorce when you have children is horrible. You don't want to go there and , trust me, as a divorced mom of two, being a single mother is just not easier or simpler at ALL. Counseling!

 

[Spidergul]

Get the counseling. Don't just get a divorce. Marriage goes through cycles and those cycles are especially rough when there are children, bills, and life involved. I think that he has a warped view of marriage (like many) and does not understand that sometimes sex just is not happening and the point of getting married is not secure a regular piece of booty.

U hit the nail on the head K- I told him, with the next one, make sure you let her know-You just want sex not a relationship! I also know about the cycles.
I also know why so many men go through mid-life crisis. I think I am going through or just starting menopause and I have tried to explain to him some of the things I am going through. His response, your not having sex with me so there must be someone elses, wtf! I don't have time for someone else!!! I have 2 kids, a job and a household!! Give me an f-ing break!

 

[joshlyn]

Well sweetheart, whatever you maybe going through we are here for you to talk to. I personally know how caring the ladies are on this board and how excellent they are at giving advice! Remember, stay prayed up!!!

 

[carpediem628]

If you could convince him to get some counseling, that would be great. But he sounds like he is not willing to compromise. I would hate to see you end up a single mother, but you do what is best for you and your children.

Really give thought to the pros and cons of divorcing, giving emphasis to your children's future. If he is constantly spending, will you be better off financially without him? Will your children have more stability without him? If you two are constantly arguing in front of the children, will there be more peace and harmony in your home without him?

I'm not trying to convince you to divorce. I just think that the children are always the innocent victims in these situations and we all know that what we experience in childhood, we carry into adulthood.

I don't know how long you've been going through this mess, but please don't be one of those women who go through mess their entire marriage. My girlfriend is one of them. At first I was supportive, but nearly 10 years later, I am begging her to let that man go.

If your marriage is salvageable and your man is worth keeping, then fight. If not, keep it moving.

I wish you the best.

 

[longhairluva]

I feel you girl. I had a problem like this with my husband(before marriage). You know what I did? I sat him down and wrote my entire day out to him and asked him did he think he could do all the thing I do in a 24 hr period. He said he could do it. Then I asked him to try to live one day in my life and see if he would want to have sex for a week straight. He tried to live my life one day and couldn't do it.

I told him to come home from an 8 hour job, go to the store, pick the baby up from daycare, come home to cook, clean, and wash the dishes that you just messed up. Play with the baby, Give him a bath, put him to bed, then take your own bath, get in the bed and give me some. He didn't last one day and he appreciated me more since that one day. I don't think men actually sees what all a woman does when she has a family. I always say working and being a wife and mother is like having two fulltime jobs. We never really have down time.

 

[Eiano]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but can I offer some advice?
Do not be the type of woman to try and hold on to him and tell him how much you love him OR do not try and be vindictive and have your friends try and find the "scoop" on who he's with and what he does everyday. Don't give him an excuse to pity you.

 

[MzTami]

If you could convince him to get some counseling, that would be great. But he sounds like he is not willing to compromise. I would hate to see you end up a single mother, but you do what is best for you and your children.

Really give thought to the pros and cons of divorcing, giving emphasis to your children's future. If he is constantly spending, will you be better off financially without him? Will your children have more stability without him? If you two are constantly arguing in front of the children, will there be more peace and harmony in your home without him?

I'm not trying to convince you to divorce. I just think that the children are always the innocent victims in these situations and we all know that what we experience in childhood, we carry into adulthood.

I don't know how long you've been going through this mess, but please don't be one of those women who go through mess their entire marriage. My girlfriend is one of them. At first I was supportive, but nearly 10 years later, I am begging her to let that man go.

If your marriage is salvageable and your man is worth keeping, then fight. If not, keep it moving.

I wish you the best.

Excellent Post. I agree with you.

If he wants to keep throwing divorce in your face constantly, then give him what he wants. Single parenting isn't easy, but it's not impossible.(I was a single parent) Do what's best for you and your children.

Good Luck to you!

 

[Spidergul]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but can I offer some advice?
Do not be the type of woman to try and hold on to him and tell him how much you love him OR do not try and be vindictive and have your friends try and find the "scoop" on who he's with and what he does everyday. Don't give him an excuse to pity you.

NOT. For me when it is ova it is ova. I do not carry baggage. And remember I am NOT the one who wants a divorce, he is. He is the one that does not want to do what is needed to keep a marriage happy. I have been doing it and I am tired. I can't see his side because he can't see mine.
He does not realize how green his grass already is, mine is brown and Dead.
I want him to listen to that song by R.Kelly When a woman is fed up, becasue that is what I am fed up.

 

[Spidergul]

If you could convince him to get some counseling, that would be great. But he sounds like he is not willing to compromise. I would hate to see you end up a single mother, but you do what is best for you and your children.

Really give thought to the pros and cons of divorcing, giving emphasis to your children's future. If he is constantly spending, will you be better off financially without him? Will your children have more stability without him? If you two are constantly arguing in front of the children, will there be more peace and harmony in your home without him?

I'm not trying to convince you to divorce. I just think that the children are always the innocent victims in these situations and we all know that what we experience in childhood, we carry into adulthood.

I don't know how long you've been going through this mess, but please don't be one of those women who go through mess their entire marriage. My girlfriend is one of them. At first I was supportive, but nearly 10 years later, I am begging her to let that man go.

If your marriage is salvageable and your man is worth keeping, then fight. If not, keep it moving.

I wish you the best.

Agree. I don't want a divorce but if it is not in him to change...
I have decided that when I get home I will sit down with him and ask him to write down 1-10 things that he would like to see more of in our marriage and I will do the same. If these items are not met for both parties by the end of the school year for our kids, I will give him a divorce. You ask why I am doing
this-because of my son and the fact that I don't to divorce. He has had problems in school since day one-that I have had to deal with on top of everything else. He has finally gotten a teacher that I think can help him and I do not want to lose this opportunity for him. I believe my husband and I can work out our problems-but he will have to come to the table. I am not high maintence I just want a happy and equitable household. Is that too much to ask?

 

[shalom]

I'm not married yet, so feel free to take my advise with a grain of salt.

Pray, pray for him to change, pray for your attitude about him to change, pray for maturity in your marriage, pray for pride to go out the window on both of your parts, pray for whatever needs changing in your marriage. PRAY

Also seek godly spiritual advisors.

Quitting should never be one's first option.

Hang in there, I'm praying for you.

 

[Spidergul]

I'm not married yet, so feel free to take my advise with a grain of salt.

Pray, pray for him to change, pray for your attitude about him to change, pray for maturity in your marriage, pray for pride to go out the window on both of your parts, pray for whatever needs changing in your marriage. PRAY

Also seek godly spiritual advisors.

Quitting should never be one's first option.

Hang in there, I'm praying for you.

They say Pray and then get off your knees....Im up...

 

[MissYocairis]

Spidergurl, I just want to quickly add, what you are going through is why folks call marriage "work". It's HARD. There's a difficulty factor involved. What you are going through isn't some anomally that rarely happens in marriage though I know it's uncomfortable and miserable. Just remember that long lasting marriages that have stood the test of time have likely learned how to work through patches like this. So, if you have any small feeling in your gut that you guys can survive this, then you should try for the sake of your vows, each other and your children. We are too easy to opt for divorce when the going gets rough and that's what your husband is trying to do. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting you be a doormat or that you beg or try and drag ANYBODY ANYWHERE kicking and screaming. BUT, there's a way to help him understand that his selfishness and irresponsibility is pushing you away and also to help him see that losing you would be a bad idea. I wish you the best. Divorce and single motherhood should be a last resort. It's not the kind of thing you want to see as a way out. It's what you do when you have no choice.

 

[rozlips]

Okay, believe it or not spidergurl, this is the complaint of pretty much all married women EVERYWHERE. So, how do we get hubby to understand? Tell him that you still find him sexually attractive, but that you'd find him even more sexually attractive if he helped out more around the house. And then ask him to either choose specific tasks that he wouldn't mind taking on, or give him some tasks. Maybe he wouldn't mind dealing with the school situation.

I'm a SAHM and my dh works extremely long hours, but he understands that he's more likely to at least get a knobber when he helps out. On his days off he takes my son to the park and lets me sleep in. Our little boy gets worn out. Has a great time at the park with his daddy. I get some much-needed sleep, and literally jump his bones while the kid takes his afternoon nap.

Right now, you're simmering with anger and resentment, and who could blame you? He's probably feeling the same way, because many men were raised that they only had to be a 'good provider' and everything would be just gravy and they would be entitled to all the sex they wanted. Well, things have changed and your dh needs to evolve a little bit. But you need to too. If he does agree to pitch in to help you have to accept his way of doing things. He might not put the dishes away the way you prefer. Or, if asked to cook dinner he might make two starches. My dh can be counted on to always make pizza, tacos, or bratwurst. Hey, one night a week of that doesn't hurt. But if you criticize his way, then he's not going to want to help. The hardest part of getting help is being willing to receive it.

 

[locabouthair]

Congratulations rozlips!

sorry i can't give advice. never been married. hope everything works out.

 

[Spidergul]

Spidergurl, I just want to quickly add, what you are going through is why folks call marriage "work". It's HARD. There's a difficulty factor involved. What you are going through isn't some anomally that rarely happens in marriage though I know it's uncomfortable and miserable. Just remember that long lasting marriages that have stood the test of time have likely learned how to work through patches like this. So, if you have any small feeling in your gut that you guys can survive this, then you should try for the sake of your vows, each other and your children. We are too easy to opt for divorce when the going gets rough and that's what your husband is trying to do. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting you be a doormat or that you beg or try and drag ANYBODY ANYWHERE kicking and screaming. BUT, there's a way to help him understand that his selfishness and irresponsibility is pushing you away and also to help him see that losing you would be a bad idea. I wish you the best. Divorce and single motherhood should be a last resort. It's not the kind of thing you want to see as a way out. It's what you do when you have no choice.

Been there done this...

 

[FloridaSunshine]

I am not a marriage counselor, but.... I too could have written the same post 6 months ago and my husband and I did separate and you know what I have a three year old but the process helped our relationship.

If a person is ready to go then let them walk out... Love has to be tough... Through our separation my husband got just a small tiny glimpse of what his life would be like if we were divorced, and he did not like it one bit....

And honestly what ate him up more than anything was the thought that since he was gone somebody else was moving in on his space and his "muffin". Not to mention double expenses on everything, not see our daughter and the same and embarrassment from his own family who did not tolerate his decision.

The tables turned after about two weeks... It went from him not interested to blowing up my phone every other hour.

Not wanting sex to calling to see if he could come over and get some...

People have to feel that they have the power to choose their own destiny and if a husband wants to leave, then let him go... If he doesnt come back then... things were over already anyway...

Everyone is different, but I do not regret my decision to let him leave and even helped pack him up. He respects me all the more for not letting him walk all over me.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

spider, i'm so sorry to hear this. I am begging you to utilize your church counseling. Church counseling is usually very very intense and therefore helpful. Especially if they have certified counselors. My church, getting premarital counseling is MANDATORY, then they inform us that marital counseling is always available. girl, if this is your church, then u need to take advantage of it. You should not even be talking about divorce until you go thru counseling. It seems like your husband need a 3rd person to step in and say hey let's work on a budget and let's assign some daily housework for yourself, which will relieve your wife and she'll be more willing to give you some. These are common marital problems, but it gets complicated when there is 1 partner that refuses to communicate or compromise. I wish you luck and please go for counseling, even if you start counseling by yourself...

 

[Spidergul]

Okay, believe it or not spidergurl, this is the complaint of pretty much all married women EVERYWHERE. So, how do we get hubby to understand? Tell him that you still find him sexually attractive, but that you'd find him even more sexually attractive if he helped out more around the house. And then ask him to either choose specific tasks that he wouldn't mind taking on, or give him some tasks. Maybe he wouldn't mind dealing with the school situation.

I'm a SAHM and my dh works extremely long hours, but he understands that he's more likely to at least get a knobber when he helps out. On his days off he takes my son to the park and lets me sleep in. Our little boy gets worn out. Has a great time at the park with his daddy. I get some much-needed sleep, and literally jump his bones while the kid takes his afternoon nap.

Right now, you're simmering with anger and resentment, and who could blame you? He's probably feeling the same way, because many men were raised that they only had to be a 'good provider' and everything would be just gravy and they would be entitled to all the sex they wanted. Well, things have changed and your dh needs to evolve a little bit. But you need to too. If he does agree to pitch in to help you have to accept his way of doing things. He might not put the dishes away the way you prefer. Or, if asked to cook dinner he might make two starches. My dh can be counted on to always make pizza, tacos, or bratwurst. Hey, one night a week of that doesn't hurt. But if you criticize his way, then he's not going to want to help. The hardest part of getting help is being willing to receive it.

This is all great advice, I thank you but done this too.
I am not aksing him to cook, clean or take out the trash...
I am asking him to realize he is Married and what he does affects the houshold. As for criticizing that's his dept not mine. But all that aside it is not me that wants a divorce again I state, it is him because he can not fatom doing any of the task you mentioned. I could have a great marriage if he would be involved, hell he does! I should want a divorce but I married until death do us part-not sure what he did.

 

[Spidergul]

I am not a marriage counselor, but.... I too could have written the same post 6 months ago and my husband and I did separate and you know what I have a three year old but the process helped our relationship.

If a person is ready to go then let them walk out... Love has to be tough... Through our separation my husband got just a small tiny glimpse of what his life would be like if we were divorced, and he did not like it one bit....

And honestly what ate him up more than anything was the thought that since he was gone somebody else was moving in on his space and his "muffin". Not to mention double expenses on everything, not see our daughter and the same and embarrassment from his own family who did not tolerate his decision.

The tables turned after about two weeks... It went from him not interested to blowing up my phone every other hour.

Not wanting sex to calling to see if he could come over and get some...

People have to feel that they have the power to choose their own destiny and if a husband wants to leave, then let him go... If he doesnt come back then... things were over already anyway...

Everyone is different, but I do not regret my decision to let him leave and even helped pack him up. He respects me all the more for not letting him walk all over me.

Thank you and this is where I am. I want to salvage what we have and I believe he does too, but I have put my foot down we are going to work as a married couple or not.

 

[Laginappe]

spider, i'm so sorry to hear this. I am begging you to utilize your church counseling. Church counseling is usually very very intense and therefore helpful. Especially if they have certified counselors. My church, getting premarital counseling is MANDATORY, then they inform us that marital counseling is always available. girl, if this is your church, then u need to take advantage of it. You should not even be talking about divorce until you go thru counseling. It seems like your husband need a 3rd person to step in and say hey let's work on a budget and let's assign some daily housework for yourself, which will relieve your wife and she'll be more willing to give you some. These are common marital problems, but it gets complicated when there is 1 partner that refuses to communicate or compromise. I wish you luck and please go for counseling, even if you start counseling by yourself...

Cosigning with this and Roz's post. Even if you can't get him to agree to come with you to counseling - you're going to need it on an individual basis if the worst comes and you actually seperate and divorce. Plus, there can be merit in him seeing you going to counseling in an effort to improve yourself and your marriage.

 

[XXXtacy]

I haven't read all of the post on this subject and am sure that there has been some good advice given to you. I do so much understand your position. Its taken many of years of counselling and prayer for hubby & I to be on the same page financially. God has been truly good to us. Here are a few websites that have articles about Money & Marriage.

Much Love & happiness,

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2006/09/19/survey-budgeting-in-a-marriage/
http://wereindebt.com/
http://www.daveramsey.com/the_truth_about/money_and_relationships_3889.html.cfm
http://www.way2hope.org/

 

[Spidergul]

I haven't read all of the post on this subject and am sure that there has been some good advice given to you. I do so much understand your position. Its taken many of years of counselling and prayer for hubby & I to be on the same page financially. God has been truly good to us. Here are a few websites that have articles about Money & Marriage.

Much Love & happiness,

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2006/09/19/survey-budgeting-in-a-marriage/
http://wereindebt.com/
http://www.daveramsey.com/the_truth_about/money_and_relationships_3889.html.cfm
http://www.way2hope.org/

Thank you.

 

[Spidergul]

Ladies I want to thank you all for your replies and I know all marrigaes hit rough patches every now and then. I've had to tell myself-self you are not getting beat on and he is not on drugs or a drunk -what is wrong with you? That excuse has gone on too long. It is time for him to move from the novice stage to lets get down to business and do what is best for all not just me stage.
I am determined to make it work-but it takes two, I am not going to keep on being long suffering just to keep the peace. I have wants, needs desires and wishes as well and they all revolve around our home, him, my children and me.
Thank you again for listening and I know in the end the decision is ours.