My husband wants a seperation/Divorce

[patient1]

I admire you Spidergul based on these posts. You sound very clear and determined. It sounds like you've done what we are all advised to do before divorce: try everything else. I admire too your willingness to make it work despite his failings.

I feel for you, what woman could not or would not. So many of us have been there in marriages/committed relationships. Truly, a marriage is not ALL about sex, but it is a BIG piece. Look to the devastation of infidelity to see the true worth of sexual relations. Worse then divorcing over not having sex would be divorcing because he seeks fulfillment with another.

In the end, the decision IS for you two. However, if his sole issue is being sexually fulfilled, isn't that such a simple need? I admire him for coming TO you and expressing his need and frustration. Even saying divorce shows a certain honesty even as it shows an unwillingness to do the "work" of your marriage. He could have committed adultery and justified it to himself. He could haven "taken" you in a way that some wives suffer.

In your final sit down, might I suggest that you ask him, Baby, is our sex life really your issue? Am I to understand that if we were but to have sex more often, you'd be willing and DESIRING to stay? Get that cleared up because often, there's something more going on.

Since you want to make it work, then try to negotiate one last time, the perameters around which you all can create a HEALTHY sex life...the one you have now is not healthy. In you all's marriage, everything should be balanced so that sex is not another item on your list of chores or must-dos. Ideally, it is a release and reward for BOTH of you.

I'm gonna refer you to the Bible as it is the language of the churchgoer:

In Proverbs 5 the rewards of faithfulness are discussed. Also, I'm sure you're familiar with I Corinthians Chapter 7. Use it to inspire you, but don't let it be used to your detriment. There is a proper way to interpret it. Finally, as pertains to money, I'd direct your husband to Proverbs 6:6-11. Having 2 jobs and overspending is equivalent to having one and it's foolish. He'd be better off working one job on a budget and tending to the needs of the family.

Hope something here helps.
p1

 

[Spidergul]

I admire you Spidergul based on these posts. You sound very clear and determined. It sounds like you've done what we are all advised to do before divorce: try everything else. I admire too your willingness to make it work despite his failings.

I feel for you, what woman could not or would not. So many of us have been there in marriages/committed relationships. Truly, a marriage is not ALL about sex, but it is a BIG piece. Look to the devastation of infidelity to see the true worth of sexual relations. Worse then divorcing over not having sex would be divorcing because he seeks fulfillment with another.

In the end, the decision IS for you two. However, if his sole issue is being sexually fulfilled, isn't that such a simple need? I admire him for coming TO you and expressing his need and frustration. Even saying divorce shows a certain honesty even as it shows an unwillingness to do the "work" of your marriage. He could have committed adultery and justified it to himself. He could haven "taken" you in a way that some wives suffer.

In your final sit down, might I suggest that you ask him, Baby, is our sex life really your issue? Am I to understand that if we were but to have sex more often, you'd be willing and DESIRING to stay? Get that cleared up because often, there's something more going on.

Since you want to make it work, then try to negotiate one last time, the perameters around which you all can create a HEALTHY sex life...the one you have now is not healthy. In you all's marriage, everything should be balanced so that sex is not another item on your list of chores or must-dos. Ideally, it is a release and reward for BOTH of you.

I'm gonna refer you to the Bible as it is the language of the churchgoer:

In Proverbs 5 the rewards of faithfulness are discussed. Also, I'm sure you're familiar with I Corinthians Chapter 7. Use it to inspire you, but don't let it be used to your detriment. There is a proper way to interpret it. Finally, as pertains to money, I'd direct your husband to Proverbs 6:6-11. Having 2 jobs and overspending is equivalent to having one and it's foolish. He'd be better off working one job on a budget and tending to the needs of the family.

Hope something here helps.
p1

Thank you and it did.

 

[Sosoothing]

Im sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. How long have you two been married?

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you work it out and stay together.

 

[patient1]

Thank you and it did.

Good to know. Wishing you the VERY best!

p1

 

[hopeful]

Ladies I want to thank you all for your replies and I know all marrigaes hit rough patches every now and then. I've had to tell myself-self you are not getting beat on and he is not on drugs or a drunk -what is wrong with you? That excuse has gone on too long. It is time for him to move from the novice stage to lets get down to business and do what is best for all not just me stage.
I am determined to make it work-but it takes two, I am not going to keep on being long suffering just to keep the peace. I have wants, needs desires and wishes as well and they all revolve around our home, him, my children and me.
Thank you again for listening and I know in the end the decision is ours.

Best of luck to you Spidergul. It certainly takes two to tango and the whole load should not fall on you. Yeah and the whole at least I'm not getting beat on crap is for the birds, life is too short for that mediocre settling for too little stuff. You deserve the marriage of your dreams. What your heart desires I believe is possible, if it's red roses and wine, romantic gestures, intimacy, friendship, appreciation, cooperation, whatever, do not settle. You and your kids deserve better. And if a man told me he didn't want me I think I'd be like one lady and be like cool, let me help you pack. Follow your heart. Maybe he will eventually come around but if he doesn't, you will be okay. Sending you a big (((((HUG)))))), love and strength. Trust, this too shall pass.

 

[DragonPearl]

I am sorry to hear that you're going through this. You sound like you're at the end of your rope. Being in an unhappy marriage can be very depressing, and divorce is no picnic either, especially when there are children involved.

I sincerely hope, with all my heart, that you 2 can work things out. If your marriage is unfixable and divorce is the only solution, then I sincerely hope and pray that you 2 will go about it in a way that minimizes the trauma for your children. I pray that everything works out for your family in the end.

 

[Spidergul]

Im sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. How long have you two been married?

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you work it out and stay together.

10 yrs.

Thank you

He realizes he is better off where he is, he just does not want to face the fact that in order to survive this enconomy we need to be on the same page. I can't carry the burden of knowing our obligations by myself while you continue to bury your head in the sand. We are in this together, you are not alone and neither am I.

 

[Spidergul]

Best of luck to you Spidergul. It certainly takes two to tango and the whole load should not fall on you. Yeah and the whole at least I'm not getting beat on crap is for the birds, life is too short for that mediocre settling for too little stuff. You deserve the marriage of your dreams. What your heart desires I believe is possible, if it's red roses and wine, romantic gestures, intimacy, friendship, appreciation, cooperation, whatever, do not settle. You and your kids deserve better. And if a man told me he didn't want me I think I'd be like one lady and be like cool, let me help you pack. Follow your heart. Maybe he will eventually come around but if he doesn't, you will be okay. Sending you a big (((((HUG)))))), love and strength. Trust, this too shall pass.

Thank you hopeful for these words. That really was my problem. I settled and hope he would grow and learn instead he settled and can not figure out how to change. When I try and talk to him he does not want to talk-becasue he thinks it's hopeless. I believe your last line, with work-this too shall pass.

 

[Blossssom]

Sorry to hear this, Spider. Take care.

 

[MuseofTroy]

Spidergul, I'm really sorry all this is going on in your marriage. Unfortunately women have what sociologist call the "double burden" where most of us work 8+ hours a day but are still expected to take on all the responsibilities of maintaining the household, child rearing, and being there for our husbands. Although I have not been married before, I really encourage you to seek counseling. Divorce should be the very last resort. Maybe your husband is unaware of how tired you are. Who knows? There was a reason why you married him in the beginning so hopefully that love is still there and you guys and work through the issues going on.