My fiancee stole my stuff.

[gone_fishing]

I don't really know how to deal with this.

I came home yesterday and stuff was missing. My Colgate was missing. My listerine was gone. My bodywash had vanished. My body lotion had gone missing. I cannot find my clothes detergent, and most other cleaning chemicals that I use around the house.

Really bizarre...erplexed

but THEN I saw in their place substitutions - ORGANIC substitutions with a note I finally found that said something about me needing to use all natural or organic products and that I should stop using all the chemicals that they put in those commercialized brands because they are not good for me and they are poisonous and I need to live a long long long time...yada yada yada.

How about a warning........mmmmk?

So I haven't brought this up to him yet although I did speak to him last night to say thanks for the new stuff but I can't figure out if I should be mad or not. I mean I know he spent a grip on this new stuff and I know he talked to me about switching to organic stuff once we moved in together but I was like whoa....my stuff is missin' - what's going on!

So am I supposed to be flattered or irritated or both and how should I deal with this. I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful. Just so weird...never had a guy do that before.

 

[FlowerHair]

I think he meant to do something nice, so if I were you I would not pick a battle over this thing
He seems like a sweet guy!

 

[Theo]

Well... how do you feel about it? Nobody should tell you how you're supposed to feel about something. It sounds like you feel a little bit violated... so if you don't want something like this to happen again, let him know, in a calm and loving manner, because it sounds like his intentions were good.

 

[gone_fishing]

Well... how do you feel about it? Nobody should tell you how you're supposed to feel about something. It sounds like you feel a little bit violated... so if you don't want something like this to happen again, let him know, in a calm and loving manner, because it sounds like his intentions were good.

This is true but I wanted to gain some perspective. Sometimes others can see what you cannot. I know sometimes my cousin jumps on her SO for stuff and it's not till you explain things to her that she's like okay...not that big of a deal. I think I will tell him that I appreciate him swapping stuff out for me but I would have liked to be included in picking replacement products and I'll do it sans the attitude. Thanks.

Just makes me wonder when I move in with him what else he's gonna try to change? Am I gonna have to wipe my butt with tree leaves now that he's gone "green".

 

[winterinatl]

I don't really know how to deal with this.

I came home yesterday and stuff was missing. My Colgate was missing. My listerine was gone. My bodywash had vanished. My body lotion had gone missing. I cannot find my clothes detergent, and most other cleaning chemicals that I use around the house.

Really bizarre...erplexed

but THEN I saw in their place substitutions - ORGANIC substitutions with a note I finally found that said something about me needing to use all natural or organic products and that I should stop using all the chemicals that they put in those commercialized brands because they are not good for me and they are poisonous and I need to live a long long long time...yada yada yada.

How about a warning........mmmmk?

So I haven't brought this up to him yet although I did speak to him last night to say thanks for the new stuff but I can't figure out if I should be mad or not. I mean I know he spent a grip on this new stuff and I know he talked to me about switching to organic stuff once we moved in together but I was like whoa....my stuff is missin' - what's going on!

So am I supposed to be flattered or irritated or both and how should I deal with this. I don't want him to think I'm ungrateful. Just so weird...never had a guy do that before.

It was really presumptuous of him to take stuff you liked and replace it without asking. That is controlling behavior, in my opinion.

If he weren't your fiancee I'd dump him, but you need to talk to him about it. He doesn't get to run your life like that ---> this can happen in more important areas of your life later.

 

[lexi08]

I see your dilemma here. I would tell him that I appreciate the replacement items, but in the future consult with you first before replacing your things. It sounds like he meant well, but went about it in a not so good way.

 

[CurliDiva]

This is true but I wanted to gain some perspective. Sometimes others can see what you cannot. I know sometimes my cousin jumps on her SO for stuff and it's not till you explain things to her that she's like okay...not that big of a deal. I think I will tell him that I appreciate him swapping stuff out for me but I would have liked to be included in picking replacement products and I'll do it sans the attitude. Thanks.

Just makes me wonder when I move in with him what else he's gonna try to change? Am I gonna have to wipe my butt with tree leaves now that he's gone "green".

Does he spend lots of time at your place? Maybe he did it more for his "comfort level" than yours. Maybe, you can sugguest going shopping together. I would be pissed if he buy pads/tampons for me without aking!

 

[tatiana]

I think you are experiencing a cultural moment. If I remember correctly your SO is white.

Black American women are more territorial of their belongings and that is why you feel violated.

Your SO was trying to be helpful however he should have at least hinted to this green living before making you go cold turkey.

I view this as a sign for more changes in the future. White men and Latin men are in general more "controlling" than Black American men. That is one reason why their women find our men so appealing because they have more freedom.

When you marry a man from a different culture, one culture will dominate and it is usually is the man's culture.

Just something for you to think about.

 

[gone_fishing]

Thanks for everybody's input. I appreciate it.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I think he meant to do something nice, so if I were you I would not pick a battle over this thing
He seems like a sweet guy!

Yea... basically.
I think you should mention that you really hope he didn't throw your things out, because you wanted to use stuff up, just in case you didn't care for the new stuff, but that's all.

 

[envybeauty]

I don't see where being Black means that she has to object to her personal stuff being replaced without her knowledge. White girls use their favorite soaps, washes, beauty things and would object too I'm sure.

ETA: It is certainly not within the "white" culture as you see it to use just organic products. White people use colgate and listerine.

I think you are experiencing a cultural moment. If I remember correctly your SO is white.

Black American women are more territorial of their belongings and that is why you feel violated.

Your SO was trying to be helpful however he should have at least hinted to this green living before making you go cold turkey.

I view this as a sign for more changes in the future. White men and Latin men are in general more "controlling" than Black American men. That is one reason why their women find our men so appealing because they have more freedom.

When you marry a man from a different culture, one culture will dominate and it is usually is the man's culture.

Just something for you to think about.

 

[tatje]

I think it is sweet and bizarre all at the same time. Maybe you should talk to him about making changes about each other's lifestyle without the person's consent. I mean, he is only trying to help not hurt you but this is something small that may/can turn into something big. If you were not up for the agreement of going organic then both of you guys have to learn how to respect each others differences while loving each other. Now if you did come to an agreement yet the way he did was just all of, let him know abrupt changes are not right for you. You like to gradually go into it.

I wouldn't like to think he makes every decision for you without thinking about how you may feel or like it, and he doesn't even live with you yet.

I think you guys should just talk it out. It reminds me of when Justine on Run's House keeps trying to lose weight but her husband run was hiding her sandwiches and telling her which plan best worked for them and she wasn't feeling it.

 

[PatTodd]

Umm, I don't think I'd like that.

It was really presumptuous of him to take stuff you liked and replace it without asking. That is controlling behavior, in my opinion.
If he weren't your fiancee I'd dump him, but you need to talk to him about it. He doesn't get to run your life like that ---> this can happen in more important areas of your life later.

Exactly what I was thinking..... It might not be a deal breaker for me, but I just don't like it.

 

[ClassicChic]

I think he meant to do something nice, so if I were you I would not pick a battle over this thing
He seems like a sweet guy!

Agree.

You stated that you already previously discussed this. I'm just going to take from the conversation that he got the impression that you were on board.

It was sweet and he did replace everything.

 

[foxxymami]

I think it's sweet that he is so concerned for products that affect your well-being, but IA with a few other posters that it could potentially be categorized as controlling behavior

 

[PinkPeony]

If he's controlling you'd probably know by now and either he's not or you're ok with it
.
I think it was a sweet but maybe misguided gesture.
We can't forget after all he's just a man,I'm sorry but man often don't know how we think about certain things and you have to train them.
If I would have suspected the worst everytime DH pulled some random well-meant but wierd stuff on me we would not be together.
I would not make a big deal about it at all.
Thank him for being so concerned about your health but suggest to him nicely(you know which approach would be the best way... after all he's your man) that he could prepare you next time for a surprise like this.

 

[tatiana]

I don't see where being Black means that she has to object to her personal stuff being replaced without her knowledge. White girls use their favorite soaps, washes, beauty things and would object too I'm sure.

ETA: It is certainly not within the "white" culture as you see it to use just organic products. White people use colgate and listerine.

I am sorry; I did not make myself clear. Organic products are for everyone. When I meant was the usage and/or throwing away items without the owner's consent and etc. or a "do what i do" attitude or "you are not using it so why not share" attitude was cultural.

I never said what he did was okay. What he did was disrepectful even though it may not have been done on purpose. OP needs to nip that in the bud because the next time he throw something away it will be something of value.

Anyway, I write from my personal experiences with men from other cultures and watching other black females arguing with white males and latin males over property that belongs solely to the black female and the comments that was made to me by all parties.

Once again apoligize and I going back into lurker mode.

 

[PinkPeony]

I am sorry; I did not make myself clear. Organic products are for everyone. When I meant was the usage and/or throwing away items without the owner's consent and etc. or a "do what i do" attitude or "you are not using it so why not share" attitude was cultural.

I never said what he did was okay. What he did was disrepectful even though it may not have been done on purpose. OP needs to nip that in the bud because the next time he throw something away it will be something of value.

Anyway, I write from my personal experiences with men from other cultures and watching other black females arguing with white males and latin males over property that belongs solely to the black female and the comments that was made to me by all parties.

Once again apoligize and I going back into lurker mode.

You aren't going anywhere missy I'm glad you came out of lurkdom

 

[chiprecious]

Thats sooo sweet! I admire those that actively are looking to improve Mother Earth. Was he also watching that episode of Oprah's encouragement of going green?

I was thinking of doing the same to my fiancee..but it was piss him off.
"i can't use other deodrants, this smells funny, blah blah blah...
So I introduce things to him gradually to avoid complete refusal of anything new.

 

[Cichelle]

If my DH took my Listerine, we'd have it out.

Seriously, he should have checked with you first. Really. But it seems his intentions were good. Whether it would personally bother me would depend on what it was. If I went to wash my hair and my oil, shampoo bar or hemp seed butter were gone and replaced with some other stuff, I'd be hot, though. For real.

Talk to him about it. Tell him not to do it again if it bothered you.

 

[ThickHair]

If it bother's you now it is going to irritate the hell out of you when you marry him. Proceed with caution if you are pissed.

 

[gone_fishing]

We had discussed going "green" and I actually did agree but I thought that would happen when I moved in and that it would be gradual - we didn't really discuss a timeline for that.

As for him, he's always been "green" - partially because he has very sensitive skin and is forced to use products that are free of dyes perfumes etc or his skin tends to break out. erplexed

He did say he thought I needed to replace my conditioners and shampoos but he was too scared to throw them out since he didn't know what I used to make my hair so love-elly and he didn't want a gang of "big hair club members" (that's what he calls ya'll) banging down his door in retaliation since he knows I try some products based on your say so.

I get the sense that he is trying to "train" me before we start cohabitating in April because we recently had a conversation this week concerning finances in which he inquired about my shopping habits, what types of stores to I buy clothes from, how much do I think I spend a month on clothes, shoes, etc. He wants us to work on a budget together so we can begin building our savings and retirement accounts more expeditiously.
It's really a good idea. I like that he's so responsible. I just don't really need anyone micromanaging my purchases though - not that it's gotten to that.

I just know one of his guy friends told me his ex used to go to Star Bucks EVERY day and by a 7 dollar coffee or was it tea....anyways he told her she was spending 1800 a year on coffee/tea and he thought that was ridiculous. I think that was one of many things that ended their relationship. They do say MONEY is a big marital issue.
At least he knew better than to touch my hair products. There's hope for him yet.

 

[Lucie]

LOL @ the title. I was like OH NO when I read the title and started when I read what you wrote.

I would be pretty POed if my husband chucked my stuff. He could give me a heads up or wait until they items were finished before he replaced my stuff.

I think you are entitled to be upset but just remember his intentions were not bad. Most men like to take charge first and most women like to be consulted first. Good luck!

 

[Lucie]

We had discussed going "green" and I actually did agree but I thought that would happen when I moved in and that it would be gradual - we didn't really discuss a timeline for that.

As for him, he's always been "green" - partially because he has very sensitive skin and is forced to use products that are free of dyes perfumes etc or his skin tends to break out. erplexed

He did say he thought I needed to replace my conditioners and shampoos but he was too scared to throw them out since he didn't know what I used to make my hair so love-elly and he didn't want a gang of "big hair club members" (that's what he calls ya'll) banging down his door in retaliation since he knows I try some products based on your say so.

I get the sense that he is trying to "train" me before we start cohabitating in April because we recently had a conversation this week concerning finances in which he inquired about my shopping habits, what types of stores to I buy clothes from, how much do I think I spend a month on clothes, shoes, etc. He wants us to work on a budget together so we can begin building our savings and retirement accounts more expeditiously.
It's really a good idea. I like that he's so responsible. I just don't really need anyone micromanaging my purchases though - not that it's gotten to that.

I just know one of his guy friends told me his ex used to go to Star Bucks EVERY day and by a 7 dollar coffee or was it tea....anyways he told her she was spending 1800 a year on coffee/tea and he thought that was ridiculous. I think that was one of many things that ended their relationship. They do say MONEY is a big marital issue.
At least he knew better than to touch my hair products. There's hope for him yet.

LOL, he is not crazy enough to mess with your LHCF products. Smart man

 

[tocktick]

i would not be all that concerned with it as it is only toiletries. if this was your clothes, jewellery, car etc then there would be a need to panic otherwise...why bother? i think his intentions were good, although the way he went about things were not in the most appropriate manner to you. if it bothers you then say you appreciate it all but then tell him gently that you didn't like this approach. it doesn't need to be as blunt as that but he just needs to get the message. but like i say, i personally would not be sweating it because on the grand scheme of things they are minor products and he replaced it all with items that are likely to cost more anyway.

 

[MissYocairis]

I think he meant to do something nice, so if I were you I would not pick a battle over this thing
He seems like a sweet guy!

ITA. I think it was sweet. Bless his heart.

 

[winterinatl]

Oh Adequate I didn't realize you all had already talked about switching things over. That changes my viewpoint a bit; but he still should have warned you first, or maybe just bought the stuff and asked if you wanted to try it?

 

[Queen V]

I think it's incredibly sweet that he's concerned about your health and well-being.

 

[UmSumayyah]

It could be that he thought the issue was resolved and so he acted on it.

My dh is that way. We discuss buying, doing something, whatever. After we agree on it he expects that it's done the next day or ASAP. If he is supposed to act on whatever then he does the same thing.

He researches an issue, weighs the options/agruments, and then acts. No dilly dallying.

Your fiance sounds the same way. He's got that Nike motto: "Just Do It!"

 

[naijamerican]

i would not be all that concerned with it as it is only toiletries. if this was your clothes, jewellery, car etc then there would be a need to panic otherwise...why bother? i think his intentions were good, although the way he went about things were not in the most appropriate manner to you. if it bothers you then say you appreciate it all but then tell him gently that you didn't like this approach.

I'm sorry but when I read the title of this thread, that's what I thought - that you got home and the whole joint was swept clean. Like, homeboy took the toilet and the kitchen sink and maybe even the lightbulbs...

Glad to see I was wrong (I guess... cuz it would have been kinda exciting otherwise... ).