Mr. Intellect or Mr. Affectionate?

[Rastafarai]

Ladies,

I'm currently faced with a dilemma even though on paper there shouldn't be cause for such.

After a very nasty breakup in which I found out someone was cheating on me, I began dating again and met someone earlier this Spring. We will call him Mr. Intellect. We grew closer and things blossomed into something more than just a friendship. He's intelligent, has an amazing profession, is well paid and degreed, has collateral, the whole nine basically. However, he is not affectionate, he seldom if ever uses terms of endearment, he is stubborn and set in his ways and I feel no emotional bond with him whatsoever. According to him, such things like affection are meaningless and not as important as other aspects to a relationship. He is also 15 years my senior, which I only found out after he lied about his age, to, according to him, stop me from 'prying into his life'. Yeah, ladies, it was tooth and nail to try and get any type of basic information on this man, be it his name or age. He is a VERY private person and gets easily offended by questioning.

Despite this, he stimulates me intellectually and has provided great advice on certain aspects of my life regarding career choices and personal finance. He is very abreast with his surroundings and we can easily discuss anything from art to politics. He loves traveling the world and has political and social connections that can prove beneficial to me if I were to remain a part of his life. Though, there are times he has felt more like a father and whenever a disagreement ensues he makes it a habit to bring up age into the discussion (ie "such viewpoint is expected with someone so young as you are....you lack the wisdom, so I understand"). I've expressed how hurt such comments have made me feel, yet, he continues to throw my age in my face.

So yes, he makes me unhappy and I feel lonely, though, I wanted to make it work because of his social, political and financial clout.

Then, I met someone. Or should I say he met me. A total chance meet. So far he has shown me and treated me like a princess. I am catered to, cared for and wanted...just because. He shows me the affectionate I have lacked for so long and needed in my life. However, he does not have the material clout nor the intellectual stimulation I have with Mr. Intellect. Yes, he is ambitious, but he is not degreed. He intends to return to school to continue his career goals (allied healthcare) and has made his intentions and feelings clear from the very beginning. He is also within my age group and is always a phone call away if I need him. He reminds me how I deserve to be treated and unlike Mr. Intellect, does not play mind games.

Did I mention that Mr. Intellect also does not believe in labels? According to him, relationship labels are also meaningless. So, no, I did not have the title with Mr. Intellect but gave him the benefits of a relationship.

Ladies, I have told Mr. Affectionate of Mr. Intellect but have yet to tell Mr. Intellect of Mr. Affectionate. I don't want anyone to get hurt here, but I also don't know what may be the best decision for me. Should I put aside my happiness for Mr. Intellect who has the material things or go with my heart and be with a man who tells me he wants me in his life, now and forever?

 

[UmSumayyah]

Mr. Intellect needs to go bye-bye, regardless of whether you make Mr. Affectionate your Mr. SO.

Mr. Affectionate needs to show and prove. So many are talkers and not doers.

 

[Rastafarai]

Mr. Affectionate needs to show and prove. So many are talkers and not doers.

Thanks UmSumayyah.

Mr. Affectionate does currently work and is well paid, however, for his personal advancement he needs to advance his education. He intends to start this next year and according to him it has been his intention prior to our meet.

Should I wait this one out and just observe for now?

 

[pisceschica]

Is Mr. Intellect a capricorn or virgo? Just wondering.

It sounds like Mr. Affectionate wins. Although Mr. "I" has the stability/accolades that you want, the things that he lacks that are very important to you and cannot be changed especially since you mentioned the age difference. I think he is pretty much set in his ways as far as the way he expresses himself and views emotion. He seems very cold and I would definitely wonder why someone would lie about a fact that is sooooo easy to verify.

If your heart says go with Mr. "A" then go with him. He has everything but currently lacks financial stability/education that you are looking for. But those are things that he can change and from the look of things things that he is working toward changing.

I guess you have to really think about what is or is not important to you in a partner. But also really think about easy/difficult it may be for that person to change certain factors about himself. For example changing your personality and views on things isn't as easy as changing your educational and financial status (as far as income/spending).

 

[misstobz]

"I don't want anyone to get hurt here, but I also don't know what may be the best decision for me"

1. Entertaining man who makes you unhappy, feel lonely, plays mind games and considers making a commitment to you an uneccessary "label" is a BAD desicion. You are worried about hurting him????? You are hurting yourself, he is having a good time enjoying the company and benefits of a young woman with no commitment. You deserve to be loved and cherished. I dont care how much social, political and financial clout he has-it is not worth it at all.

 

[Country gal]

Ladies,

I'm currently faced with a dilemma even though on paper there shouldn't be cause for such.

After a very nasty breakup in which I found out someone was cheating on me, I began dating again and met someone earlier this Spring. We will call him Mr. Intellect. We grew closer and things blossomed into something more than just a friendship. He's intelligent, has an amazing profession, is well paid and degreed, has collateral, the whole nine basically. However, he is not affectionate, he seldom if ever uses terms of endearment, he is stubborn and set in his ways and I feel no emotional bond with him whatsoever. According to him, such things like affection are meaningless and not as important as other aspects to a relationship. He is also 15 years my senior, which I only found out after he lied about his age, to, according to him, stop me from 'prying into his life'. Yeah, ladies, it was tooth and nail to try and get any type of basic information on this man, be it his name or age. He is a VERY private person and gets easily offended by questioning.

Despite this, he stimulates me intellectually and has provided great advice on certain aspects of my life regarding career choices and personal finance. He is very abreast with his surroundings and we can easily discuss anything from art to politics. He loves traveling the world and has political and social connections that can prove beneficial to me if I were to remain a part of his life. Though, there are times he has felt more like a father and whenever a disagreement ensues he makes it a habit to bring up age into the discussion (ie "such viewpoint is expected with someone so young as you are....you lack the wisdom, so I understand"). I've expressed how hurt such comments have made me feel, yet, he continues to throw my age in my face.

So yes, he makes me unhappy and I feel lonely, though, I wanted to make it work because of his social, political and financial clout.

Then, I met someone. Or should I say he met me. A total chance meet. So far he has shown me and treated me like a princess. I am catered to, cared for and wanted...just because. He shows me the affectionate I have lacked for so long and needed in my life. However, he does not have the material clout nor the intellectual stimulation I have with Mr. Intellect. Yes, he is ambitious, but he is not degreed. He intends to return to school to continue his career goals (allied healthcare) and has made his intentions and feelings clear from the very beginning. He is also within my age group and is always a phone call away if I need him. He reminds me how I deserve to be treated and unlike Mr. Intellect, does not play mind games.

Did I mention that Mr. Intellect also does not believe in labels? According to him, relationship labels are also meaningless. So, no, I did not have the title with Mr. Intellect but gave him the benefits of a relationship.

Ladies, I have told Mr. Affectionate of Mr. Intellect but have yet to tell Mr. Intellect of Mr. Affectionate. I don't want anyone to get hurt here, but I also don't know what may be the best decision for me. Should I put aside my happiness for Mr. Intellect who has the material things or go with my heart and be with a man who tells me he wants me in his life, now and forever?

I stopped reading after the bolded text. If he lied about something as simple as his age than why are you wasting your time with him. He doesn't want to share basic info with you than he has something he is hiding.

 

[Bunny77]

There is nothing appealing whatsoever about Mr. Intellect and I can't even see why there's an attraction to him.

Mr. Affectionate... as everyone else said, wait it out. Also, I'd still be dating other people (NOT Mr. "Intellect") so that I have more options.

Mr. Intellect sounds more like Mr. Playa to me.

 

[Makenzie]

Mr. Intellect's material possessions or clout will not make you happy in the long run. He's cold, ultra private and insensitive. This is not how you treat someone you care about. You'll get tired of it real soon. Sounds like you are already.

 

[Mynappturalme]

OMG!!! I felt like I was reading about myself! I have the same dilemaerplexed

 

[strenght81]

You should show Mr intellect the way to the exit. He's obviously insensitive to your feelings and has no interest in changing. Any man who wants a woman to remain in his life is willing to compromise, no matter how stubborn they may be.

I would take it slow with Mr affectionate. Although he seems promising ( I like that he boosts your ego), as the other women have said, allow him to prove to you whether he is a "talker" or doer".

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I don't see the problem with Mr. Intellect knowing about Mr. Affectionate at this age he knows that he isn't gonna give you what you are looking for and I don't see why he would put up a fuss. It may actually relieve him if you ask me and if you have a great friendship so far this should definitely not deter as he probably enjoys dating. I would just tell him that I found someone for me relationship wise but I would love to keep our friendship and see what he has to say. A man at that age knows what women want and knows he isn't gonna give it because of his set ways which is why he is still dating at that age. Just because you decide to pursue a relationship doesn't mean the friendship has to stop unless its one of those friends w/ benefits then you gotta cut the benefits.

 

[Carrie A]

I'm all for an intellectual guy but your Mr. Intellect sounds shady. He sounds like Mr. Hinding Something.

I agree with strenght81 about Mr. Affectionate.

 

[*5+5]

Does Mr. Affectionate need Mr. Intellect's status quo for him to be a 'go'? Mr. Affectionate didn't sound too bad to me, I say be with the guy that makes you undoubtedly happy and that doesn’t sound like Mr. I.

 

[Rastafarai]

Is Mr. Intellect a capricorn or virgo? Just wondering.

Scorpio. Aren't they generally secretive in nature?

 

[Rastafarai]

Is Mr. Intellect a capricorn or virgo? Just wondering.

It sounds like Mr. Affectionate wins. Although Mr. "I" has the stability/accolades that you want, the things that he lacks that are very important to you and cannot be changed especially since you mentioned the age difference. I think he is pretty much set in his ways as far as the way he expresses himself and views emotion. He seems very cold and I would definitely wonder why someone would lie about a fact that is sooooo easy to verify.

If your heart says go with Mr. "A" then go with him. He has everything but currently lacks financial stability/education that you are looking for. But those are things that he can change and from the look of things things that he is working toward changing.

I guess you have to really think about what is or is not important to you in a partner. But also really think about easy/difficult it may be for that person to change certain factors about himself. For example changing your personality and views on things isn't as easy as changing your educational and financial status (as far as income/spending).

Thank you. I was also thinking this but thought as we progressed he would have eased up in his approach especially seeing how I expressed my issues. But not one budge.

 

[Rastafarai]

I stopped reading after the bolded text. If he lied about something as simple as his age than why are you wasting your time with him. He doesn't want to share basic info with you than he has something he is hiding.

It's the first time I've come across this ( a man unwilling to share basic info of himself). Everything was a guessing game with him. A mind game. He was never straight-forward with me.

 

[Rastafarai]

There is nothing appealing whatsoever about Mr. Intellect and I can't even see why there's an attraction to him.

Because of who he is. He has many connections and I was attracted to the lifestyle he lives. On paper he looks good but as a lover or more...

 

[Bunny77]

Because of who he is. He has many connections and I was attracted to the lifestyle he lives. On paper he looks good but as a lover or more...

Believe it or not, I do understand... my statement was more rhetorical than anything.

The reason I understand is because I dealt with a Mr. Intellect as well two years ago. 14 years older, great lifestyle, etc. EVERYBODY told me to just hang in there because of the possible connections I could have, the lifestyle, etc.

Man, my soul continued to get destroyed with every passing moment I spent with him. I could have a fun date with him one day and feel happy, and then have an anxiety attack the next day.

And I NEVER got those connections, lifestyle benefits etc... so it wasn't even worth it for that reason.

Just reading your post made me want to retch thinking about my own version of this dude... Maybe it's the same dude!

 

[Rastafarai]

Does Mr. Affectionate need Mr. Intellect's status quo for him to be a 'go'? Mr. Affectionate didn't sound too bad to me, I say be with the guy that makes you undoubtedly happy and that doesn’t sound like Mr. I.

Yes, that is the only thing 'lacking'. But unlike Mr. I, Mr. A is still growing and trying to make a foundation for himself. I can see myself growing with Mr. A but want to ensure he is a doer. Conversely, Mr. I already has everything in place and its the comfort of knowing that that has kept me around for so long. With Mr. A, I will just be going on faith. With Mr. I, its financial security.

 

[awhyley]

Ladies,

I'm currently faced with a dilemma even though on paper there shouldn't be cause for such.

After a very nasty breakup in which I found out someone was cheating on me, I began dating again and met someone earlier this Spring. We will call him Mr. Intellect. We grew closer and things blossomed into something more than just a friendship. He's intelligent, has an amazing profession, is well paid and degreed, has collateral, the whole nine basically. However, he is not affectionate, he seldom if ever uses terms of endearment, he is stubborn and set in his ways and I feel no emotional bond with him whatsoever. According to him, such things like affection are meaningless and not as important as other aspects to a relationship. He is also 15 years my senior, which I only found out after he lied about his age, to, according to him, stop me from 'prying into his life'. Yeah, ladies, it was tooth and nail to try and get any type of basic information on this man, be it his name or age. He is a VERY private person and gets easily offended by questioning.

I haven't even read the rest yet, but this guy needs to go.

Did I mention that Mr. Intellect also does not believe in labels? According to him, relationship labels are also meaningless. So, no, I did not have the title with Mr. Intellect but gave him the benefits of a relationship.

Oh Lawd, I just read the rest, he needs to go too.

ETA: Ok, I'm back, (but not for long, I have some work stuff). Neither one of these dudes fit the bill. The older seems insecure and the latter seems immature, (but trying). If he's starting off with lies from the beginning, that doesn't bode well. Don't let his cushy lifestyle factor into anything, because it's the PERSONALITY that you're gonna have to live with. My main concern w/ Mr. Affectionate is how long is it going to take him to realize his goals? How long are you willing to wait for that label? Don't think of them as your only options, (and I don't really see the need to tell one about the other either really), because I feel that you can do better than both of them.

 

[Rastafarai]

Believe it or not, I do understand... my statement was more rhetorical than anything.

The reason I understand is because I dealt with a Mr. Intellect as well two years ago. 14 years older, great lifestyle, etc. EVERYBODY told me to just hang in there because of the possible connections I could have, the lifestyle, etc.

Man, my soul continued to get destroyed with every passing moment I spent with him. I could have a fun date with him one day and feel happy, and then have an anxiety attack the next day.

And I NEVER got those connections, lifestyle benefits etc... so it wasn't even worth it for that reason.

Just reading your post made me want to retch thinking about my own version of this dude... Maybe it's the same dude!

Maybe it is.

But I think I'll follow your example and cut ties. Just don't know how to approach it because he will give me the "oh great, another woman who could not accept me for who I am" pity cry and knowing the person that I am, I will feel bad. I feel bad for him. He has everything in place but no woman at all. Never married. No kids. I guess that was a sign that something wasn't right somewhere. Now I know why.

 

[Bunny77]

Maybe it is.

But I think I'll follow your example and cut ties. Just don't know how to approach it because he will give me the "oh great, another woman who could not accept me for who I am" pity cry and knowing the person that I am, I will feel bad. I feel bad for him. He has everything in place but no woman at all. Never married. No kids. I guess that was a sign that something wasn't right somewhere. Now I know why.

About the bolded... if you have to say anything, just say real quick... "You know, maybe... just maybe... THE PROBLEM IS YOU!!!!"

And then get ghost!

Oh, my Mr. Intellectual calls every once in a while. He wanted to introduce me to a friend of his once... I told him thanks, but I was happily taken! He said he was happy for me... oh it felt so good to say that.

He always tries to show off too when he happens to see my in front of my co-workers... last time he kissed me on the cheek (caught me off guard). I'll be prepared next time...

One more thing about that "lifestyle" of his... it was very interesting to me that his ex-wife developed schizophrenia all of a sudden... like, in her 30s after she got married... just sayin'

 

[ThickHair]

One more thing about that "lifestyle" of his... it was very interesting to me that his ex-wife developed schizophrenia all of a sudden... like, in her 30s after she got married... just sayin'

Schizophrenia usually develops in the late 20's early 30's.

 

[Bunny77]

Schizophrenia usually develops in the late 20's early 30's.

Thanks. I guess I thought it developed earlier... didn't know if there was a connection or not.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

You can obtain intellectual stimulation from a book, IMO. When you over analyze things too much, you are going to want to get out of your head and just "be", and Mr Intellectual seems like the type who is in his head regardless of whats happening.The world is a cold place and is getting colder. Mr. Intellectual would have to go, because he wont be that soft place to fall, if you ever need it.

 

[Ramya]

You can obtain intellectual stimulation from a book, IMO. When you over analyze things too much, you are going to want to get out of your head and just "be", and Mr Intellectual seems like the type who is in his head regardless of whats happening.The world is a cold place and is getting colder. Mr. Intellectual would have to go, because he wont be that soft place to fall, if you ever need it.

oh wow didn't see that coming. But yeah some of the most intelligent people tend to have the worst people skills. Tis' a shame.

 

[Rastafarai]

So I just corresponded with Mr. Intellect telling him why it cannot work and provided examples of some of the issues.

His response: Wow, still in an argumentative mood I see... I do not know what you want me to do, can you understand that ? I really am confused here.

???????????????

 

[Bunny77]

So I just corresponded with Mr. Intellect telling him why it cannot work and provided examples of some of the issues.

His response: Wow, still in an argumentative mood I see... I do not know what you want me to do, can you understand that ? I really am confused here.

???????????????

What I found worked best for me in dealing with such an individual was limit the conversation... cause they'll try to mentally outmanuever you and make you feel like the crazy one.

When they can't use their "intellect" because you shut them down, then they can't try to target you.

 

[metro_qt]

Hands down mr Affectionate.
What would make you want to stay in a relationship with MR Intellect as he disrespects you about your viewpoints and your thoughts because of your AGE?

in the business world, that's called Agism.. and it is a form of punishable discrimination.

But yet, you willingly put up with it in a relationship because of his financial clout?
NOOO.

 

[pisceschica]

Scorpio. Aren't they generally secretive in nature?

They're ususally i]very[/i] secretive but I haven't met too many that weren't affectionate, that's usually a trait of water signs esp. in private.