"Mr Almost, but not quite there"

[Guitarhero]

I say it depends on what you want out of life. What others have mentioned, people can be completely blissful in a relationship with their complete opposite or same type. I find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone too much like me in certain ways and too different from me in others... I always hope to be in a relationship with someone who can support themselves and lives in their means, so If I am with a baller that makes dough and has expensive tastes and we vibe, cool. If I am with a poor righteous teacher of sorts that has nothing more to give me than the fabric of his soul than thats wassup, as long as he is keeping his lights on and food in his belly and not wanting to take trips to paris and ish... Then yeah Im down. I myself can enjoy fine things, but I actually prefer the simplicity of things. I like to go to spas, I like my expensive cooking hobbie etc, so I have to work different for my extras, I want someone with the same mentality.

But that's a professional.

 

[seraphinelle]

I say it depends on what you want out of life. What others have mentioned, people can be completely blissful in a relationship with their complete opposite or same type. I find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone too much like me in certain ways and too different from me in others... I always hope to be in a relationship with someone who can support themselves and lives in their means, so If I am with a baller that makes dough and has expensive tastes and we vibe, cool. If I am with a poor righteous teacher of sorts that has nothing more to give me than the fabric of his soul than thats wassup, as long as he is keeping his lights on and food in his belly and not wanting to take trips to paris and ish... Then yeah Im down. I myself can enjoy fine things, but I actually prefer the simplicity of things. I like to go to spas, I like my expensive cooking hobbie etc, so I have to work different for my extras, I want someone with the same mentality.

I'm working to continue and maintain my lifestyle if not improve on it.

This includes trips to paris.

 

[carolinetwin]

OMG thank you for this thread! OP I know most people are telling you to pass but think carefully. I was in pretty much the same situation, I'm a medical student and I dated this guy, a bartender for a while. He worshiped me and treated me like a princess everyday, even introduced me to his parents but I was always so frustrated at his lack of action. He would wake up at 3pm everyday, spend a couple hours on facebook, go work at the bar n do it again the following day. I would constantly be like why don't you do something other than fb, and he would be like do what? I'm thinking hustle damn it!!! You've got to have something you want to do and that you're working on (doesn't everybody???). Eventually i let him go and tore his heart apart, I just thought we were too different. I'm very ambitious and although he talks the talk he definitely doesn't walk the walk. Fast forward 5 months and I'm starting to miss him. He's now with another girl, a waitress where he works. He seems very happy and I know I should leave them alone but I miss the love he had for me. The way I see it you can date Mr Rich and Successful and he might not share anything with you, where as this guy as humble as his life was would give me everything he could...
So OP I said all of that to say this; yes you can not change a man but sometimes your heart needs to make the decisions not just your head. At the end of the day isn't it just love we're all after?

I agree, if he treats you good, then his lack of ambition should be the least of your concerns. If you have enough ambition for the both of you then that's okay too. Do you really want to be with someone just like you? How boring is that?

 

[seraphinelle]

I agree, if he treats you good, then his lack of ambition should be the least of your concerns. If you have enough ambition for the both of you then that's okay too. Do you really want to be with someone just like you? How boring is that?

Why should I have enough ambition for the both of us?

All my good friends have the same drive, so it is only natural for me to expect the same thing from my LIFE PARTNER.

He doesn't have to be like me, but what would be boring is me reminding him all the time to do things.

His lack of ambition is every bit of concern because how is he supposed to support a family on a call centre salary?

 

[Bunny77]

I agree, if he treats you good, then his lack of ambition should be the least of your concerns. If you have enough ambition for the both of you then that's okay too. Do you really want to be with someone just like you? How boring is that?

You have fun with that.

I tell you what's boring. Watching some barely working, video-game playing broke fool taking up space on my couch cause we're too broke to afford to do anything and go anywhere.

Give me my equal any day... And yes, he better have as much or more ambition than I do... "As long as he treats me good?" Please... He can treat me good by getting up off his behind!!!

 

[Arcadian]

I agree, if he treats you good, then his lack of ambition should be the least of your concerns. If you have enough ambition for the both of you then that's okay too. Do you really want to be with someone just like you? How boring is that?

If I could find another me just with a penis, you betcha! But hey, I got close. My mate has to keep up with ME, just as I have to keep up with HIM. I'm from the show me state, talk is cheap, show me whatchugot!!

And while I love the man I'm with, he had to show me what he was made of, love alone wasn't going to keep me with him and he knew that.

IMO when it comes to core values in a mate, no one should settle for less than they want. Lack of ambition is a big deal for some people.


And on the real, I do not respect people who lack ambition. They don't have to be on my level, because I know I'm type A crazy but damn, do something yo! don't just say, DO, or at least attempt to do! I will respect someone that actually sticks their neck out there, attempt to do and fail, than someone that dosen't attempt to do at all but will sit on their ashes and is all talk.

Sera is an extremely intelligent woman and just a gander from what I've seen from all the years I've known her on this board, shes the type that would need a man that will challenge her brain as well as hold on to her heart.

Everything she's said about dood tells me that while he's cute, while he has a job, while he's respectable and all, but why tell her one thing, yet do another? Doesn't make sense to me. He does not have her respect in that regard, and this is what has been giving her pause.

I don't blame her a bit.

Love is a warm fuzzy, a feeling, an emotion, but it needs to also be paired with respect for your mate. This guy dosen't have it.

When you lose respect for the one you're with or don't HAVE that respect to see the relationship through the hard bumps and knocks, the relationship goes south. Love alone will not save it.


-A

 

[Bunny77]

And on the real, I do not respect people who lack ambition.

I loved everything you said, but especially that.

And if I can't respect you, then I can't love you. No further discussion.

 

[seraphinelle]

If I could find another me just with a penis, you betcha! But hey, I got close. My mate has to keep up with ME, just as I have to keep up with HIM. I'm from the show me state, talk is cheap, show me whatchugot!!

And while I love the man I'm with, he had to show me what he was made of, love alone wasn't going to keep me with him and he knew that.

IMO when it comes to core values in a mate, no one should settle for less than they want. Lack of ambition is a big deal for some people.


And on the real, I do not respect people who lack ambition. They don't have to be on my level, because I know I'm type A crazy but damn, do something yo! don't just say, DO, or at least attempt to do! I will respect someone that actually sticks their neck out there, attempt to do and fail, than someone that dosen't attempt to do at all but will sit on their ashes and is all talk.

Sera is an extremely intelligent woman and just a gander from what I've seen from all the years I've known her on this board, shes the type that would need a man that will challenge her brain as well as hold on to her heart.

Everything she's said about dood tells me that while he's cute, while he has a job, while he's respectable and all, but why tell her one thing, yet do another? Doesn't make sense to me. He does not have her respect in that regard, and this is what has been giving her pause.

I don't blame her a bit.

Love is a warm fuzzy, a feeling, an emotion, but it needs to also be paired with respect for your mate. This guy dosen't have it.

When you lose respect for the one you're with or don't HAVE that respect to see the relationship through the hard bumps and knocks, the relationship goes south. Love alone will not save it.


-A

I absolutely loved this response.

I was going to put which parts in bold, but then I was highlighting the whole thing.

 

[Almaz]

Ghost I tell you Ghost.

 

[ThickHair]

Getting together for love and nothing else, ended in divorce for me. I must have the total package next time around or Thickhair will stay a single Thickhair.

 

[MissJ]

You have fun with that.

I tell you what's boring. Watching some barely working, video-game playing broke fool taking up space on my couch cause we're too broke to afford to do anything and go anywhere.

Give me my equal any day... And yes, he better have as much or more ambition than I do... "As long as he treats me good?" Please... He can treat me good by getting up off his behind!!!

Can I get an Amen?

After being with a broke video-game-playing fool, I've even decided to ask guys if they play video games upfront! That kind of guy is a nightmare!

 

[seraphinelle]

We met up for dinner yesterday, which he was late for.

After I addressed that, we ate and then just had normal conversation.

And then I asked him what he was wanting out of this situation considering the factors at play, to which he replied that he liked me a lot.

I started off by talking about his tardiness and lack of organization as he was apologizing for him being late again.

He said that things used to always just work out for him and so never had to work for anything, and that he's realising now that it has to change.

So I asked him how is he going about planning for the required changes, and he said like saving money to return to school in September.

So that gave me the opportunity to say that it is important for my partner to have an education and to be goal orientated. (after he admitted that he lacks planning skills) And that the differences between me and him may be small for him, but fundamental for me.

And he said he understood/

We've agreed to keep in touch (he is genuinely a nice guy to talk to, and he does genuinely look out for me and care about me) and just see if our paths cross at some other time when he is at a level that I can consider. (It isn't just him going to school, there are some major changes in his attitude towards planning and organization that are important too, and since I never think people can change (i'm very cynical) then this it is doubtful that we will ever be on that level for me to consider long term with him)

So that's that.



Thanks ladies for the help and advice!

 

[YankeeCandle]

. Most of my high achieving women friends married men who are less conventionally successful.

Can you elaborate on this, ambergurl?

I don't know if your friends did this, but there is a (minority/fringe) school of thought within the "equality" branch of feminism that suggests high-achieving, career-oriented women marry low-status (i.e. either less educated, less earning potential, or artistic/creative/unbound-by-society) men.

For women who want to continue to high-profile or high-status positions (as opposed to stopping or slowing down in the middle the way most educated American women do when/if they have children with an equally career-minded man), this is the perfect scenario. They get to marry entirely for the internal qualities and emotional support and companionship of their mate, but do not have to move to the back of the corporate/political/law/acting/musical recording bus the way women with same-status partners end up doing.

I think the idea will not appeal to most U.S. women, but I find it fascinating. And I believe that under our current labor system with all its inequities, it would be the only way women could rise to the top and STAY THERE in large numbers. Until either the system is reformed via employment aws to allow for parity OR high-status women do the above in large numbers, the default "suit" (CEO, high-ranking politician, etc) will still be normalized and default-envisioned as a man.