"Mr Almost, but not quite there"

[seraphinelle]

I'm pretty sure this is my first relationship thread.

As many of you know, I am an optometry intern, due to finish either July or September of this year. I'm a dual citizen of Canada and Britain, but I'm studying in Britain right now.

I wouldn't be returning to Canada any sooner than February 2011 because that's when the conversion course (6 weeks) would commence.

So that gives you a rough timeline.

Oh, and I'm 26, almost 27.

******
I met Mr Canada July 2009. He's very good looking, we can engage in good conversation, he comes from a good family, very gentlemanly in the way he treats me and has expressed on many occasions how much he likes me.

Here's the problem.

I'm sure Mr Canada has aspirations, many people do. But if you don't put them into motion, nothing will come of them. It's that simple. I'm a very goal orientated person; I'm resilient and I'm a do-er.

Mr Canada currently works as a customer service rep at a call centre. I can't even say that he aspires to climb the company (which can be done very quickly) because he does the bare minimum at the job to keep the job.

He says he wants to go to med school. Which means a decade literally of him being in school, when he's 26 years old.

We have not been intimate AT ALL. Because I intend to keep the relationship completely platonic. But he has given me very little incentive or motivation to return to Canada for a relationship, if he's missing so many fundamental properties that are important to me.

He's a good guy, and a I definitely see it. And we mesh in other areas outside of our education and goal levels.

But then conversely, those two aspects of a relationship are important to me.

*****

So... I'm looking for advice or comments rather of women that have been or haven't been in similar situations.

I'm pretty sure that I won't pursue this. But curious nonetheless.

Thank you.

If I'm missing any details that might aid in formulating a better response, just ask.

 

[seraphinelle]

Forgot to add that his organization skills grate my nerves too.

If he lacks organization to plan for us to go out, then it should come of no surprise his lack of organization in his life.

Right?

Or am I asking too much?

*sigh*

Help!

 

[LunadeMiel]

I would let him go. Eventually you will get tired of his lack of motivation. Dr. Sera can do better

 

[Arcadian]

is he white

I kid I kid!


He really dosen't sound like he's the one for you. and I'll be very blunt, if you decided to go with him, you'd be settling.


Some men aren't exactly the most organized (I should know, I have one) but he should somehow make up for that in other areas. If he's procrastinating on going back to school, maybe there's reasons (money, lack of serious interest or even fear) Heck, maybe he's just telling you something he thinks you want to hear?


I think you know what you want, and he's really not it. It just sounds to me that you would rather have a man of action instead of a man of just words.

-A

 

[seraphinelle]

I would let him go. Eventually you will get tired of his lack of motivation. Dr. Sera can do better

Thank you.

I'm trying to take an objective approach to this. I don't want to be caught up, where I can't do that anymore.

 

[seraphinelle]

is he white

I kid I kid!


He really dosen't sound like he's the one for you. and I'll be very blunt, if you decided to go with him, you'd be settling.


Some men aren't exactly the most organized (I should know, I have one) but he should somehow make up for that in other areas. If he's procrastinating on going back to school, maybe there's reasons (money, lack of serious interest or even fear) Heck, maybe he's just telling you something he thinks you want to hear?


I think you know what you want, and he's really not it. It just sounds to me that you would rather have a man of action instead of a man of just words.

-A

He's black.

Should it matter to me what the reasons for his procrastination is? I was having a conversation with a friend about how much time he dedicates to playing ball.

So much so that he has pro-like injuries, and I asked him why does he have that kinda of dedication when he's not getting paid for it, and he said it's because he enjoys the game.


But you're right with the man of action instead of man of words. Because that's how I am.

Thank you. Always come with the truth.

 

[Guitarhero]

Does his niceness overpower his ineptness? You cannot change a man, that has to come from within himself and he's not an achiever. Most medical students are high achievers, even as a customer service rep. I would keep it platonic and shift down several levels to where you are acquaintances lol! I don't think that guy is going to rise to your level.

 

[hopeful]

He's not the one for you. If you really want an ambitious man you will always be disappointed with him and he will feel like a failure because he can't please you. He deserves a woman who appreciates who he is. He would be a great catch for a lot of women.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

Depends what stage of life you are at now, im guessing from your age and career you are looking for a relationship with substance that will be longterm resulting in marriage possibly? you cant seriously date potential if this guy was in his early 20's and procrastinating about what to do with his life and needing guidance then yes but at his age he seems to have his priorities skewed and doesnt care enough to rectify it in any way. He probably doesnt see anything wrong with his situation. I know a guy in his 30's who has worked for one of those tour buses selling tickets for 12 yrs hes been doing it since he was in school a s a summer job most pple do it as a sumemr job). He sees nothing wrong with it. To be honest I am 23 and even though I am not thinking about marriage right now I wouldnt seriously date this guy he would p!ss me off on the daily.

 

[sidney]

As women we always want to date potential, but date the man that's already a complete package. I don't think it's right to engage someone in a relationship knowing you want to change them. So if you can't take him as he is, pass!

 

[ambergirl]

It really depends on what you want in a partner. Most of my high achieving women friends married men who are less conventionally successful. It only works if you can let go of the desire to be with an ambitious man. My friends who haven't been able to do that are either constantly complaining about how they have to do everything or badgering their mates and are miserable.

It's a tough decision particularly if you think he's a good guy. But if you're going to be resentful and angry about it, then I would let him go.

 

[MsMwana]

OMG thank you for this thread! OP I know most people are telling you to pass but think carefully. I was in pretty much the same situation, I'm a medical student and I dated this guy, a bartender for a while. He worshiped me and treated me like a princess everyday, even introduced me to his parents but I was always so frustrated at his lack of action. He would wake up at 3pm everyday, spend a couple hours on facebook, go work at the bar n do it again the following day. I would constantly be like why don't you do something other than fb, and he would be like do what? I'm thinking hustle damn it!!! You've got to have something you want to do and that you're working on (doesn't everybody???). Eventually i let him go and tore his heart apart, I just thought we were too different. I'm very ambitious and although he talks the talk he definitely doesn't walk the walk. Fast forward 5 months and I'm starting to miss him. He's now with another girl, a waitress where he works. He seems very happy and I know I should leave them alone but I miss the love he had for me. The way I see it you can date Mr Rich and Successful and he might not share anything with you, where as this guy as humble as his life was would give me everything he could...
So OP I said all of that to say this; yes you can not change a man but sometimes your heart needs to make the decisions not just your head. At the end of the day isn't it just love we're all after?

 

[deltagyrl]

Run, Sera, Run!

Men are pretty much "as is" purchases...

 

[darlingdiva]

OP, I agree w/ Arcadian. You'd be settling if you stayed w/ him & you don't have to because you have so much to offer. It's like you said yourself: "...if you don't put them [goals] into motion, nothing will come of them. It's that simple."

It truly is that simple. He may be a great person but if he isn't ambitious & you hold ambition in high regard--do...not...settle. You WILL regret it.

@MsMwana: I think you made the right decision too. You said, "...although he talks the talk he definitely doesn't walk the walk." You said you're very ambitious also, so let's weigh your quoted statement against love. Will love be enough to make you happy when you see him on Facebook every moment that he's at work? Will love be enough to make you happy when you're working yourself to the bone and he's not even trying to progress himself?

 

[DayStar]

Dont do it. I had a similar experience with Mr. Canadian Tire...

NOPE.......

Dont settle, you can pull what you want in the UK or Canada.

 

[Bunny77]

At the end of the day isn't it just love we're all after?

Well, I can't speak for everyone, but for me, the answer is no. It's NOT just love that I'm after.

Yes, love is very important in a relationship. But I'm also looking for security, compatibility, peace of mind, safety, the knowledge that a man is capable of providing for me and a whole lot of other things.

A man who is sweet, kind and caring is a wonderful thing, but that doesn't automatically make him a good life partner for me. I also don't think that there is only one man that I could ever "love" as well.

So, as nice as Mr. Bartender was, I'd have to let him go, because if all he could offer was "love," then that's not enough.

 

[Eritreladiee]

He's seems to lack drive and ambition and by the way it sounds, it's already gotten old.

And no offense to him, but if he's talking about med school at 26, and he still didn't earn his undergrad, then I doubt it'll happen.

See I could probably understand if he was a skilled blue collar worker or aspiring to that (and giving it the same urgency he gives to playing ball) but to be 26, a customer service rep, and not making any moves, just tells me that he's not serious about life.

And it's cool you guys mesh in other areas, but IMO if you're considering this relationship for the long term, I think your goals, values, etc need to be in sync.

 

[anon123]

I can see similar difficulties in my life. But I tell myself, no one is perfect, I'm not perfect, and just because they aren't a (probably imaginary) ideal, doesn't mean they aren't right for you. But in your case, I would say he is not right for you. You two are too different in your goals and ambition. I can only see you becoming more frustrated by this as time goes on.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I tend to think about it like this...

Is he working with what it takes to support a wife and family right now? Is he able to live independently as a grown man off with his "non-ambitious" pursuits?

If we get serious and start talking marriage, where we gonna live? With mamanem? This is a serious question I would ask him too if he were still living at home, unambitious with no observable plans to change, like picking up a college catalog or at least working towards a promotion at work.

As is, sounds like I might have to pass too.

 

[lizzyb168]

i say just keep the relationship as friends. There is nothing that gets on my nerves more than a man who doesnt aspire to have more, to achieve the maximum in life.
Just chill, your knight in shinning armour will come

 

[Strangefruittree]

I say it depends on what you want out of life. What others have mentioned, people can be completely blissful in a relationship with their complete opposite or same type. I find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone too much like me in certain ways and too different from me in others... I always hope to be in a relationship with someone who can support themselves and lives in their means, so If I am with a baller that makes dough and has expensive tastes and we vibe, cool. If I am with a poor righteous teacher of sorts that has nothing more to give me than the fabric of his soul than thats wassup, as long as he is keeping his lights on and food in his belly and not wanting to take trips to paris and ish... Then yeah Im down. I myself can enjoy fine things, but I actually prefer the simplicity of things. I like to go to spas, I like my expensive cooking hobbie etc, so I have to work different for my extras, I want someone with the same mentality.

 

[MzLady78]

Well, I can't speak for everyone, but for me, the answer is no. It's NOT just love that I'm after.

Yes, love is very important in a relationship. But I'm also looking for security, compatibility, peace of mind, safety, the knowledge that a man is capable of providing for me and a whole lot of other things.

A man who is sweet, kind and caring is a wonderful thing, but that doesn't automatically make him a good life partner for me. I also don't think that there is only one man that I could ever "love" as well.

So, as nice as Mr. Bartender was, I'd have to let him go, because if all he could offer was "love," then that's not enough.

I agree.

If there's one thing I've learned over the course of my relationships, it's that while "Love Will Conquer All" makes for a nice Lionel Ritchie song, it doesn't translate well into real life. I know my ex that I moved to AZ with loved me- even after all the BS that transpired, I don't doubt that at all. But had we stayed together, we'd have been two in love, broke and struggling individuals with ruined credit.

From what I know of you, Sera, I don't think it would work. I think you'd get very frustrated this dude and end up walking away eventually. I'd just keep him as friend for now.

 

[She-Ra]

The real question: Do you like him enough to overlook his faults?

If no, then move on and stay friends. I've seen too many woman fall for the "he's a good guy but..". They think that he will magically change into someone suitable under their watchful eye, time and some good loving. Listen to your instincts.

 

[Guitarhero]

Hmmm, I remember once I let my heart make the decision too. Damned heart!

 

[Filmatic]

That sounds like my ex. Who turned out to be an omega male. I couldn't get with that. He said he had goals to go to law school, move to a better state, etc but he never pursued it. Then when he got an opportunity he turned it down. He said it wasn't for him. Fine, but what's next? He didn't know.

He was complacent in his job(which he didn't got to school for nor needed his degree for) and living in a situation where he is actually unhappy. On top of that his organization skill were lackluster. I wasn't asking for him to be anal but choose time wisely. Don't think you can do something in a rushed 2 hours when it takes 3.

We had to end it because he knew I wouldn't take the laziness and deserved better. Moral... don't waste your time. Get someone on your level.

 

[MissJ]

This guy sounds so much like my ex from what I knew of him in the beginning, and that can't be good.

After my dad met him, he told me the guy was "all talk."

I'll give you a rundown of my ex of when I met him. Everything sounded good to me.

-He worked with me, but he didn't seem to want to work. He would like drag his feet coming into work. When I finally talked to him, he told me that he had another job at a call center. I gave him a pass, because I thought maybe he was tired when he came into our job.
-He came from a good family. Both his parents are lawyers.
-He was always talking about getting into law school.

After being in a relationship with him, I found out:
-He would leave work to go sleep in his car. He even quit his job at the call center and was unemployed for a while. This guy was a spoiled brat and never wanted to work.
-The two lawyers? The dad was a deadbeat, and the mom received a STIFF punishment for shirking her professional responsibility to her clients. She is a now a teacher. And to think I thought she was teaching by choice.
-He did little to no preparation for getting into law school and almost did not get in. I know you're thinking, "He got in? Great!" Not great. He graduated in 2008, and is a full-time poker player. He spends entire days at the casino inhaling smoke, killing the few brain cells he has, and making pennies compared to what he could make if he were to ever decide to practice law.

 

[kayte]

Hey Sera
Welcome to the world of relationships and congrats on the frst thread


Well...I'm interested in the fact you make note he wants to go to medical school ..but there is nothing in the post that illustrates any steps were or are being taken...and again it is you...that highlights a time table...of what that would entail...but he if is not taking premed courses..or studying for appropriate exam or even actively applying to schools or other preliminary effort or measures,it's still kind of wishful thinking ..no?

For me there were at least two men who were non academics...who would married in minute..one worked in a factory...the other had his own business with laying tile...

#1 first of all was smoking hot...had saved money for a down payment on a house and was looking at property to restore a house ...was a nature freak..rode a motorbike
#2 also but not as hot... owned his house...beautiful home..property..etc
...had a second in Florida...owned three cars and a boat...and was looking to buy up more property ,expand his business....etc

It was not the accumulated material things but they had resources and drive to acquire those things..to foster a lifestyle of more independence..I admired that
the other common denominators with both besides not being white collar was that both were naturally adventurous, risktakers, cerebral and while not academic....educated,articulate and esoteric....and passionate lovers of nature..as I am.
either man I would have married....
I personally have low tolerance for stupidity or boredom..or stagnation...so risk and brains and spirituality and creative spirit.....are important

boredom-stagnation really represents a lack of growing...
you always want to keep growing...if one is not doing this as an individual...but staying the status quo..it's questionable how that translates to love relationship and its potential
mho...

An irony ..I'm currently dating a scientist {for who knows how long..interesting issues coming up} but anyways.. he said something I found appalling...he says I dont care about money
he did his post docotorate at an Ivy League when he was wooed away
by another school with less $ he took the less $ school and he assured me it was not much less..but he liked the conditions which would allow him time to do his research of which he also said he does not care if it wins a Nobel or not

I found that kind of lack of ambition or not lack..per se but an irreverence of ambition..a bit scary..he does publish regularly so his work gets out there..so on some level..he does care
but still...that had me reeling and....re-evaluating some core values

Since you are not in love..or it'd be a different consideration
there's no loss..you are not letting anything get away..Keeping a platonic connection...open while freely seeing others....gives you both opportunities..him to step up to his aspirations and you to yours
but..maybe? ...Well-this is what I do. I now screen out such men BEFORE dating them ...sounds snobby...but...well..it's MY life ....ergo..YOUR LIFE
Do I hear age crunching? Let go of that too

 

[seraphinelle]

Thanks for the replies. I an definitely taking a step back. And will keep the relationship on the friend level.

Not sure how I will start that convo. But I will get there he deserves to know.

 

[metro_qt]

I don't know if this has already been said,
He might not be the one for you. If he's the one I saw at your Bday party, he's very handsome!
and you guys click well, the only thing i would do now is have a series of heart to heart talks with him, and ask him about:
1. his future.
2. his future with someone else.
3. lol, was he looking to include *you* in his future?

after that?
4. if yes, then. Ask him if he realizes how ambitious you are, and how you are looking for someone to match you, can he offer that?

After these four questions, you will probably get your answer...
He'll probably end up being a great friend for now,
but maybe he'll step up his game in the next couple of years and be the one for you.

 

[seraphinelle]

The real question: Do you like him enough to overlook his faults?

If no, then move on and stay friends. I've seen too many woman fall for the "he's a good guy but..". They think that he will magically change into someone suitable under their watchful eye, time and some good loving. Listen to your instincts.

I like him, but not enough to look over THESE specific faults.

And you're right, I don't want to be that person that goes for the 'he's a good guy but... '

I spoke with my mom about it, and she just solidified what I was already thinking. We're meeting up tomorrow, and I'll just have to definitely bring it up.

@Metro
Yup that's him. The one that I was absolutely smitten by last summer. That's why this is so difficult to say all of this to him. I don't want to come off as condescending. But asking those questions in that order will help a little to ease the tension.